Impactful Communication: Neelu Kaur Of Sattvic Living On 5 Essential Techniques for Becoming an Effective Communicator
An Interview With Athalia Monae
Reframing involves changing the way a message is presented to alter its meaning. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of a situation, reframe it in a way that emphasizes the positive or provides a different perspective. For example, many of my clients say, “‘If I do x, I will feel better.” I ask them to reframe and say, “When I do x, I will feel better.” ‘When’ implies that an action will be taken. Using the word, ‘if’ leaves room for uncertainty about acting.
In an age dominated by digital communication, the power of articulate and effective verbal communication cannot be understated. Whether it’s delivering a keynote address, leading a team meeting, or engaging in a one-on-one conversation, impactful speaking can open doors, inspire change, and create lasting impressions. But what truly sets apart an effective communicator? What techniques and nuances elevate a speech from mundane to memorable? As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Neelu Kaur.
Neelu is a highly sought after keynote speaker, workshop facilitator, and executive coach focusing on leadership development, self-advocacy, and burnout management for Fortune 500 Enterprises teams such as Sony Music, Google, Ernst & Young, RBC, Jefferies to name a few. In 2023, Neelu published ‘Be Your Own Cheerleader,’ which focuses on self-advocacy for underrepresented voices in the workplace. She holds a bachelor’s from NYU Stern School of Business, a master’s degree in social & organizational psychology from Columbia University, and she is a certified NLP Master Practitioner and Coach from the NLP Center of New York.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series. Before we dive into our discussion about communication, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share with us the backstory about what brought you to your specific career path?
After completing my master’s in social & organizational psychology, I worked for a large financial services company, where I was training and coaching technologists. When downsized from that job, I realized that I have a special skillset of communicating with subject matter experts and teaching them how to be transformational leaders. Many people think that if you are an engineer or in a very technical role that you can’t be a people manager or a leader. That is the furthest from the truth, leadership development can be taught.
I decided after multiple layoffs, that I would become a solopreneur focused on helping individuals and teams be more productive, purposeful, and peaceful. My work focuses on self-advocacy, leadership development, and mental wellbeing. In 2023, my book, ‘Be Your Own Cheerleader’ was published, which focuses on self-advocacy in the workplace.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?
By 2013, I had been laid off or fired over seven times. Specifically in 2013, I remember being escorted back to my desk and seeing the folks that were remaining in their chairs. They hesitated to make eye contact because they knew that they remained gainfully employed and I was not. As I gazed the entire room, I realized something — I absolutely sucked at self-advocacy!
The folks that were safe, were the ones who had the loudest voice. They knew how to speak up and share their ideas, interrupt people mid-sentence to get their point across, and toot their own horn. I struggled with all those things. In the cab ride home with a box filled with my belongings, I realized I needed to learn how to be my own cheerleader.
You are a successful business leader. Which three-character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Resilience, Abundant Mindset, & Ambition
Resilience is paramount as a solopreneur. As a solo / entrepreneur, you hear ‘no’ more than ‘yes.’ Being able to bounce back after rejection is a crucial skill to have. When doors close, I visualize bigger, better ones opening for me. Because rejection is part of the equation, it can be helpful to remember the wins you’ve had for motivation to keep moving forward.
Having an abundant mindset is something that helps me deal with rejection and all the ‘No’s’ that come my way. When you believe that something bigger is in store for you, it helps lessen the blow. I also believe that there is an infinite pie of opportunities and because of this I am generous with information and sharing resources. I work with other solopreneurs on various projects and instead of thinking of them as competition, I envision them as potential collaborators and a network where we can all grow and expand our knowledge and skillset.
Ambition is the driver of accomplishments. Without ambition, I would have not gone back for my masters, written a book, and attained all the continuing education certifications. Ambition is fuel to get things done. For me, when I am waning in motivation, I know that I must tap into my ambition. When I ask myself, ‘why I am doing what I am doing’, I can access that well of ambition that lives within. Sometimes we get so bogged down with daily tasks that we forget to consider the bigger picture. The question that helps me daily, ‘Why I am I doing what I am doing?’
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. Let’s begin with a basic definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define an “Effective Communicator?” What are the characteristics of an effective communicator?
A masterful communicator is someone who meets you at your bus stop — they don’t expect you to come to theirs. They establish rapport with you verbally and non-verbally to build trust and psychological safety. I believe there are many characteristics but the top three would be:
- Active Listening: Most of the time people do not listen to each other. We live in an information overload society so paying attention, even for a few short minutes, is challenging for most of us. When we actively listen, we are not listening to respond. We are fully present and listening to understand the other person. A masterful communicator is an active listener.
- Nonverbal communication: A masterful communicator matches tone and tempo of the person across from them. They are also mindful of the other’s body language. Are they leaning in? Are they pushing back? Are they fiddling with a pen? Taking note of the other person’s body language and adjusting in the moment helps you build rapport and be an effective communicator.
- Empathy: People are more likely to be open and share their thoughts and feelings when they feel that others genuinely care and understand. Empathy creates a safe and non-judgement space, encouraging people to express themselves openly and honestly. Another aspect of being an empathic communicator is to be aware of cultural differences and tailor your message to be respectful and inclusive of diverse perspectives.
How can one tailor their communication style to different audiences or situations?
There are many approaches to consider when meeting people at their bus stop. The top three things to consider:
- Know Your Audience: Who are they (demographic: age, education, background, cultural diversity)? What do they care about? What do you want them to do? These are all questions that help you tailor your message to meet your audience where they are.
- Cultural Sensitivity: As a masterful communicator, it’s important to be aware of cultural nuances and tailor your communication to be respectful and inclusive. Adapt your message, language, and examples you use to align with cultural norms and values to connect with your diverse audience. I was once facilitating a workshop in San Francisco and used the phrase, ‘You don’t want to throw anyone under the bus.” On the feedback form, I was told that I came across as an angry New Yorker. Typically, when we think of cultural sensitivity we think about the diversity across the globe. Cultural sensitivity also includes awareness of how common phrases may be misinterpreted domestically.
- Foster engagement: No one likes to be talked at! As a facilitator focused on adult learning, it’s important for me to create an interactive engaging learning experience. Whether it’s a speech or a workshop, for adults to retain information, the onus is on you, the masterful communicator, to create opportunities for discussion, interactive content, and relatable stories where the audience is actively engaged.
Can you provide an example of a time when you had to adapt your communication style to reach a particular audience successfully?
In one of my workshops relating to self-advocacy, aligned with my book ‘Be Your Own Cheerleader,’ I was sharing research on the cultures that are more challenged with speaking up and sharing their contributions. Prior to the workshop, I asked the client the demographic makeup of the participants. I used examples in my presentation and shared research relevant to the cultures of the people in the room.
How do you handle difficult or sensitive conversations while maintaining open and effective communication?
There are many things to consider. The top three things to consider when having a difficult or sensitive conversation is active listening, empathy, and using ‘I’ statements.
- When in any conversation, specifically a difficult conversation, it’s important to listen to understand NOT to respond. Most of the time when someone is asking you question, we don’t listen fully because our brain automatically wants to think of the response. This is where mindfulness comes to play. It’s important to be fully present, in the moment, and listen to understand — not to respond.
- When we try to understand the other person’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings, it helps diffuse tension. Empathy can create a connection and build psychological safety.
- Framing your statements using ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say ‘I feel concerned about…” instead of ‘You always…” When we frame using ‘I’ it allows for a more compassionate dialogue.
In your experience, how does storytelling play a role in impactful speaking? Why do you think stories are effective in communication?
A story is twenty-two times more memorable than facts alone. When we use ourselves as an instrument, it helps create trust and relatability. By using yourself as an instrument, you can lead by example, demonstrating integrity and transparency. In my workshops, I often share personal anecdotes which inspire trust and loyalty from participants. I receive feedback about how the stories help them remember the content.
What are your “5 Essential Techniques for Becoming an Effective Communicator”?
1 . Body Language makes up 55% of communication. If the person sitting across from you (in person or virtually) is really engaged and animated when speaking and you are slumped over the desk and have a monotone voice, there is an incongruency. That is the quickest way to break rapport. To enhance rapport and build trust, consider matching your tone and tempo with the person across from you. Similarly, you want to consider your body language. Are your arms crossed? Do you have a scowl on your face? The person across from you may not point out the effect of your body language, so the onus is on you to have open body language and pretend that person is the most important person you have every spoken to. Give them the undivided attention that they deserve. In 2023, I have been on various podcasts, some were video, and others were audio only. In the instances where I was on video, I would mirror the body language of the podcaster. When audio only, I would match the tone and tempo. You can easily build trust and rapport with the simple strategy of matching tone, tempo, and body language.
2 . Meet others at their bus stop, don’t expect them to come to yours! If you are presenting to a room full of people, you want to ask yourself three questions:
- Who is my audience?
- What do they care about?
- What do I want them to do?
By answering these three questions and tailoring your communication to the meet the needs of your audience, you will build trust, rapport, and meet them at their bus stop. A business development conversation is very different than a workshop I am facilitating as it relates to the message I am trying to relay. In a business development call, I want to learn about the client’s needs, and I want them to hire me, so I will talk about my relevant experience. In a workshop or a keynote, I will learn who my audience is, and create an experience around their needs and learning objectives.
3 . ABC: Always Be Calibrating. This is another way of saying that you want to make sure you are consistently open to questions and encouraging a two-way flow of communication. Be aware of the person or people across from you. What are their facial expressions? What are they saying? How are they responding to what you are saying? Being quick on your feet to pivot in the moment is required to be a masterful communicator. Many years ago, a mentor suggested I take improv. I took improvisation classes to help me be quick and nimble in the way I respond to a person or a group of people. An example of being quick and nimble is having a set structure or agenda in mind put pivoting in the moment based on the needs of your audience.
4 . Reframing involves changing the way a message is presented to alter its meaning. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of a situation, reframe it in a way that emphasizes the positive or provides a different perspective. For example, many of my clients say, “‘If I do x, I will feel better.” I ask them to reframe and say, “When I do x, I will feel better.” ‘When’ implies that an action will be taken. Using the word, ‘if’ leaves room for uncertainty about acting.
When we are faced with stressors, reframing helps us reinterpret situations in a way that reduces stress and anxiety. By changing the narrative, you may experience a sense of control and decreased duress. Sometimes I am stuck on the subway because of train traffic, and I start to get agitated. When this happens, I immediately reframe and think, ‘this gives me time to catch up on the podcast I wanted to finish’ or ‘I can use these extra few minutes to create a list of all the things I need to accomplish tomorrow.’
5 . Because we are more distracted than ever, communicating with clarity and conciseness is essential to be a masterful communicator. If you are a SME (subject matter expert), you assume others know as much as you do about the topic, so you may use jargon or unnecessary complex terms. Consider your audience and use simple terms that diverse audiences can understand. I work with many tech organizations and engineers are known to use technical terms. When I am helping them prepare for presentations for various departments in their organization, I ask them to simplify as much as possible and assume the audience knows very little about the topic.
When presenting information, structure is your friend. I suggest no more than three key concepts or ideas. I refer to Aristotle’s tip of tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them, and then tell them what you just told them. Our brains are constantly wandering so we must hear the same thing, three different times, in three different ways to retain the information. When crafting a message, using the rule of three helps the audience remember the content.
How do you integrate non-verbal cues into your communication? Can you provide an example of its importance?
I touched on matching tone/tempo and mirroring body language earlier. I would add facial expressions as another thing to consider as it relates to non-verbal cues. Let your facial expressions align with the emotions or messages you are conveying. For example, if you are talking about something you are excited about, but you have a frown on your face, there is a perceived incongruency.
How has digital communication changed the way you convey your messages? Are there any specific challenges or advantages you’ve encountered?
Know your audience! Whether I am communicating via email, social media post, speaking IRL or virtually, I tailor my message accordingly. If it’s a 1:1 communication, know the person and adjust accordingly. Are they detail oriented or big picture thinker? Always have the audience in mind and what they care about.
If it’s a group or large number of people, know your audience, and adjust accordingly. If you are speaking to a room full of CEO’s, you may want to deliver a presentation where you are focusing on the goals of the organization verses details of one small workstream.
The biggest advantage is the speed in which we can facilitate real-time communication with anyone across the globe. And, with this great advantage comes the risk of information overload. We have so many ways to communicate, it’s hard to keep up. We can get sucked into the vortex of the internet and never glance up at the person sitting across from us. With all the digital communication channels, we have lost the ability to connect in real life face-to-face, which can lead to social isolation.
Public speaking is a common fear. What techniques or strategies do you recommend to manage and overcome stage fright?
There is a misperception that stage fright is bad! It’s not — it shows you care. I don’t mean shaking and trembling but having some butterflies is a good thing.
There are a few things you can do to channel your energy. You can speak louder than you normally do. It exudes confidence and eliminates the filler words like ‘um’ and ‘ah.’ On a scale from one-ten, with one being a whisper and ten being a shout, when you are on stage, speaking at an eight eliminates the nervous quiver in the voice and takes out the filler words. Also, the louder you speak, the more confident you will sound.
Plant the feet. If you have a lot of nervous energy, it’s better to plant the feet about shoulder distance apart so you are not rocking side to side or pacing.
Gestures should not be rehearsed because they will appear fake, and you will come across inauthentic. Instead, use your volume to help with your energy. When you are speaking at a level seven or eight, your gestures will happen naturally.
What additional resources do you recommend for individuals looking to improve communication skills?
There are so many books out on communication. I think one of my favorites is Non-Violent Communication — A language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. There are so many online courses you can take to help your communication. You can take workshops in your organizations or work with a coach to help you improve your communication skills. There are so many resources available at your fingertips.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Compassion is underrated in our society. If you could commit to doing one small kind act towards another person or being daily, I think the world would be a better more humane place. I believe this would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people.
How can our readers further follow you online?
Website: https://www.neelukaur.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/neelukaur/
IG: https://www.instagram.com/neelu.kaur/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/neelu.kaur01
Be Your Own Cheerleader: https://a.co/d/1HpMMfA or https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/be-your-own-cheerleader-neelu-kaur/1141696364?ean=9781637586341
Thank you for the time you spent sharing these fantastic insights. We wish you only continued success in your great work!
About the Interviewer: Athalia Monae is a product creator, published author, entrepreneur, advocate for Feed Our Starving Children, contributing writer for Entrepreneur Media, and founder of Pouches By Alahta.
Impactful Communication: Neelu Kaur Of Sattvic Living On 5 Essential Techniques for Becoming an… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.