Raising Resilient Kids: Sarah Johansen Of Kamps4Kids On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Teach children about internal versus external locus of control. Many children will become upset or frustrated when things don’t go their way because they think they have control over it when they don’t. We all know this feeling very well because when a young child doesn’t get what they want, they often try to control the situation by throwing a tantrum. When children begin to understand the difference between things they can control and things they can’t, they will feel less anxiety about what went wrong. Then they might be able to direct their energy in a positive way towards improving what they can control.
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Sarah Johansen.
With a bachelors degree in Psychology and two Masters Degrees in Counseling and Educational Leadership, Sarah has worked in public education for over 12 years, both as a counselor and teacher. Her current passion focuses on providing life enriching opportunities for children outside of their home and typical education environment. She recently launched a new tech platform, Kamps4Kids, that provides parents better access to these types of experiences and introduces children to new challenges, new people, and new opportunities that create a beautiful space for building emotional strength and resilience.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
I grew up in a happy family on 5 acres in Florida where we swam in the lake and played with my cousins every summer. I excelled in school and was an incredible gymnast. I was lucky and I was privileged. Life was not always perfect, I argued with my sisters and my parents eventually got divorced. However, I was always a hyper empathetic child and was very sensitive to any type of suffering, whether humans or animals. It made me aware at an early age that although my life was ok, that others were suffering, and I remember times where it literally felt like my heart was breaking.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
This hyper empathy in childhood made me question the world and society. I wanted to understand the why and how of what caused such suffering in the world. Which is what ultimately led me to psychology. One of the foundations of understanding psychology is nature versus nurture. “Nature” is essentially our genetics and “nurture” is our environment. While we do not have control over our “nature”, there are some parts of our “nurture” that we have control over and some we do not. I realized along the way that I would not be able to end all the suffering in the world. Most people that go through awful things have no control over their situation. However, I did begin to notice that there were people who experienced genocides and wars that survived to live a happy life full of gratitude. Meanwhile, there are people that science tells us have actually made themselves physically sick only by their own thoughts. Why and how are these people different? Throughout my studies, the one common theme I always found was resilience. It was incredibly intriguing to me to understand how this one word had such a huge impact on people’s entire lives. Where does it come from? Could it be created or taught? As my studies continued, resilience became a theme in my own life purpose. It felt huge to me. If I could help people to be more resilient, maybe I could stop or prevent their suffering. I thought a good place to start doing this was by guiding children and teens. Although naïve at the time, I can reflect today and say I’m proud of the impact I’ve made, no matter how small. I have, and probably always will, live in dedication to those who have suffered or are suffering, and part of my way of doing this is by teaching resilience in the service of others, especially children.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
Working in education provides a unique experience because I work with children from all different parenting styles, home life and cultures. Even in 2nd grade, there is significant evidence of how much these environmental factors play in a child’s (brain) development. In addition to environmental factors, I’ve also worked with children with autism, developmental delays, ADHD, and anxiety. One thing that is consistent about ALL of these children, is that they CAN learn, albeit differently sometimes. Despite genetic and environmental factors, they all have a beautiful brain that is hard at work for them, trying to make sense of the world. We have a choice about how we guide them, and that choice makes a huge difference in their lives. I have had the privilege of guiding many children through not just academic, but also social and emotional learning over the last 12 years, and I have learned a lot through those experiences. Although some of my skills stem from my education, intuition, patience, and experience, so much more is learned from watching, and listening to, the children. What they feel, what they think, even seeing the light bulbs go on as they make connections in their brains. Sometimes I feel like a scientist that has been researching and observing children’s learning and behavior firsthand for the last 12 years. Using their unintentional feedback to better understand how to teach and guide them. Scientists understand that children’s brains are very different from adults, but I think most parents don’t completely understand this. On the one hand, they are like little sponges, and we must be very careful what goes into their brains. On the other hand, there is still so much that they do not know and understand, so we must be patient, loving and encouraging with them.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
“We grow the most outside of our comfort zone.”
In 2019, I got divorced after 10 years of marriage. Our daughter was 6 at the time and it was the last thing in the world that I would have wanted for our family and for her. I was so afraid for her and for myself. Like so many others in hard situations, I had no other option. The only choice I had was how to handle it. In the following five years that have ensued since then, both me and my daughter have grown exponentially. Not all at once, but day by day, overcoming challenge by challenge, facing our fears. It is outside our comfort zone that we grow the most, experience the most, learn the most. Once I understood how valuable this lesson was, I wanted to share it with the world, especially parents and children. We need to get out of our bubble and as scary as it is, we need to let our kids out of their bubble too. We need to take calculated risks to provide opportunity for growth. Every failure is an opportunity to learn and grow, and every win is an opportunity to gain confidence and self-worth. It’s often in the most challenging moments that we grow in the ways we need the most.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
Situations may vary significantly so there is no one size fits all for handling every failure or disappointment. Resilience is a skill that requires intention to be built by both the parent and the child. It’s proactive, not reactive. I’ll go into more specific recommendations in the following questions. In the meantime, I want to share with you a story that you can share with your children. It is an ancient Chinese proverb that was later interpreted by philosopher Alan Watts.
“Once upon a time, there was a Chinese farmer who lost a horse. All the neighbors came around that evening and said, ‘That’s too bad.’ And, the farmer said, ‘Maybe.’
The next day the horse came back and brought seven wild horses with it. All the neighbors came around and said, ‘Why, that’s great, isn’t it?’ And, he said, ‘Maybe.’
The next day his son, who was attempting to tame one of these horses and was riding it, was thrown and broke his leg. All the neighbors came around in the evening and said, ‘Well, that’s too bad, isn’t it?’ And, he said, ‘Maybe.’
The next day the conscription officers came around looking for people for the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. All the neighbors came around that evening and said, ‘Isn’t that wonderful?’ And, he said, ‘Maybe.’”
The proverb teaches us that it is only our perception of the situation that makes it good or bad. What we view as failure or disappointment today could be the best thing that ever happened to us in 5 years.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
Parental modeling is way more important than we give it credit. Our children watch and learn from us every day in everything we do. They learn significantly more from what we do than what we tell them to do. However, as parents, we must not only be self-aware enough to see our own challenges, but also be willing to share those moments with our children, even when it’s hard. I will never forget the moment when this clicked for me as a parent. It was during my divorce and my daughter, around 6 at the time, would see me crying often. I usually would try to hide it from her or brush it off. One day she asked me “Why are you crying Momma?” and I said to her, “Sometimes I feel scared or lonely and it makes me sad. But my feelings are only temporary, and I know that I am not alone, and that I will be ok.” She was somewhat awe struck that I shared that with her because we were always talking about her feelings, her needs. To my surprise, she understood. She gained a new perspective that day and made a connection that everyone feels that way sometimes and that she is not alone. From that point forward, I realized just how much she is watching and learning from me. I knew that I couldn’t always pretend the world was perfect to keep her happy. She needed to see me struggle, and see how I handled it, so that she could learn through me.
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
A great way to do this is by using the child’s own past experiences as examples. Depending on a child’s age, abstract ideas like this can be hard for them to understand. However, they can relate to their own experiences. For example, saying “Remember the time when…” “You were so frustrated about…” “But you didn’t give up, you overcame it!” This also helps guide the child’s internal motivation as they are reminded how capable they are and how proud they feel when they do hard things.
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
This is so important but SO hard. Trust me, I feel ALL the mom guilt when my daughter is mad at me. It’s so much easier to solve their problems for them or tell them “yes” when really what’s best for them is “no”. Being a parent is confusing as you’re constantly questioning yourself. However, it’s usually at the moments when you are not giving in to your child that they are learning the most. They need more of those moments. The hard experiences. To be given the opportunity to try on their own and fail. Yes fail. Then try again. And fail again. It’s ok, I promise. They will survive and they will be stronger on the other side. That’s how they will learn to overcome. Just like we have.
Sometimes it’s hard for us to watch our kids struggle and fail. Allowing your child to have new experiences outside the home with different children, different mentors and a different environment is a great way for them to begin experiencing and overcoming difficulties on their own. Children’s camps are a great way to do this and that’s one of the reasons I started my business and am so passionate about encouraging these types of life enriching opportunities that provide so much personal growth for our children!
As their parent, your job is to be their cheerleader, their support system, and their shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. You share your advice, your own stories, make sure they know they are never alone, and tell them it’s ok to feel the way they feel. Tell them they are strong, smart, kind, resilient, beautiful, and they have the power within them to get through it and learn from it and there are so many better days to come.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
Take care of yourself. Put your own life mask on first otherwise you will never have the strength to do it for your children. Give yourself grace and love but also keep your commitments to yourself. Exercise is one of the best natural medicines for our brain and body. Eat healthy. Get a good night’s sleep. Limit electronic usage. Read. All the things we tell our kids, we must do for ourselves too. Also, have a strong community of friends and family that create a healthy support system for each other, so you never feel alone either.
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
1. Teach children to fall in love with failure. If we can show children how failure helps us grow, they will feel less discouraged when things go wrong. Instead of talking down to themselves, they will feel confident knowing that they are learning, and failure is part of that process. In order to experience failure though, we must first help them out of their comfort zone. Let them experience new people, new places, new things. I know this is so hard as a parent because we hate to see our kids struggling or sad. But Instead of solving their problems for them, encourage them that even if they do fail, it’s ok. And that you are always there to support them when things go wrong.
2. Teach children about internal versus external locus of control. Many children will become upset or frustrated when things don’t go their way because they think they have control over it when they don’t. We all know this feeling very well because when a young child doesn’t get what they want, they often try to control the situation by throwing a tantrum. When children begin to understand the difference between things they can control and things they can’t, they will feel less anxiety about what went wrong. Then they might be able to direct their energy in a positive way towards improving what they can control.
3. Teach children that all feelings are natural and although we may not control our feelings, we can control our thoughts and our thought patterns. They feel scared when they shouldn’t, it’s ok. They feel angry when they shouldn’t, it’s ok. We feel lots of things we don’t want to feel and most of the time have no control over it. However, we can teach our kids to recognize the thoughts that surround those emotions. To recognize what they are thinking that has caused them to feel that way. When we see our thoughts more clearly, we can question them. We can change them. Then, we can choose a different reaction.
4. Encourage children to question their negative assumptions. As a teacher and parent, I see this often — our brains are wired to focus on problems, leading kids to assume the worst. Most of the time, when a child tells on another, it’s a misunderstanding. Our brains don’t always grasp the full context or other perspectives. By teaching kids to ask questions like, “Could it have been an accident?” or “How do you think they feel?”, we help reframe their thinking. Over time, they learn to have these conversations on their own. I’m always impressed how these little 8-year-olds are having these big conversations and working through their problems together without even needing my guidance anymore.
5. Teach your children that there is nothing wrong with them. Reassure them that just because you are doing your best as a parent to guide them and give them feedback does not mean they are bad. Tell them they are good. Tell them you are proud of them. Most importantly tell them that no matter what, they are never alone. Our world is more digitally connected and less authentically connected in reality than ever before. Our perceptions are very skewed and so many people and children feel alone and like there is something wrong with them. Reassure your children that every scary, lonely, awful, wonderful, thing they are going through is a normal part of life. Tell them that they are doing a beautiful job of learning how to navigate this crazy thing called life. Tell them, over and over again, that they are NEVER ever alone on their journey.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
I think it’s very important to make a clarification here. Many people get confused about what emotional regulation means and that it means telling your child to not feel a certain way. That is not the solution and in fact, can be detrimental. Their emotions are likely out of their control. Scientific research shows us that the amygdala, which processes emotions like fear and anger, plays a central role in emotional responses. Meaning, we don’t really control what we feel. What we do control is how we react to those feelings when they appear. More importantly, we control our thought patterns which are often what triggers the amygdala into fear or anger. So, we are not trying to teach our children to control their emotions, but rather their thoughts.
One other important recommendation to support resilience is daily gratitude practice. Find a way to incorporate gratitude into you and your child’s daily life any way that you can. It is the quickest and most effective way to reframe thought patterns and step out of the negative perspective. Some options on ways to incorporate gratitude practice may include:
- Taking one picture every day of something you are grateful for and sharing it together before bed.
- Make a gratitude tree and add one leaf each day with something you are grateful for.
- Nightly gratitude drawings for children that are creative.
- Gratitude post it notes left around the house.
- Make a calendar with daily gratitude notes.
- Or keep it simple with a daily gratitude journal.
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
“The Power of Now” by Ekhart Tolle
“Think Again” by Adam Grant
“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Tara Bosch. I learned about Tara from an episode of Guy Raz “How I Built This”. She is particularly inspiring to me because she is a single mom, like me. She was determined to create something incredible to share with the world, like me. No support, no mentors, no money (like me). Tara created from pure grit and resilience. Doing hard things, alone. She never gave up. It is people like Tara that feed my soul and give me the confidence to believe in myself and never give up.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Readers may follow Sarah’s work online by following @kamps4kids on Instagram or Facebook and subscribing to our newsletter at www.kamps4kids.com.
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.
Raising Resilient Kids: Sarah Johansen Of Kamps4Kids On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.