Raising Resilient Kids: Madelaine Claire Weiss Of MindOverMatters On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Practice breathing. Our family did a simple Buddhist-based dinner table exercise we called 3 Breaths and a Smile, never failing to start us out present and pleasant for our together time. Truth is, we thought it was hilarious that we even did this, but we did it anyway because it worked.
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Madelaine Weiss, LICSW, MBA, BBC.
Madelaine is a Harvard-trained Licensed Psychotherapist and Board-Certified Executive-Career-Life Coach. She is the founder and former chair of the School-Business Partnership in Acton, Massachusetts, served as a parenting education facilitator for the Massachusetts court system, and is currently an outreach volunteer with the DC Tutoring and Mentoring Initiative (DCTMI).
Madelaine is a former mental health practice director, a corporate chief organizational development officer, an educational resource program associate director at Harvard Medical School, bestselling author of “Getting to G.R.E.A.T. 5-Step Strategy for Work and Life,” and author of “What’s Your Story?” — a personal development workbook for kids and the adults who love them.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
When I was 15 and my father was just 42, he became one of the 120,000 Americans lost each year to work-related stress (750,000 worldwide). Feisty as I was then — never quite sure how much of it was me — I grew up professionally committed to the idea that if I can help even one child’s mommy or daddy live a happier, healthier, and more productive life, I’m in.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
It has been a long and winding road. I was raised at a time and place where no one expected anything much of a career for me. And yet, shortly after my father died, I graduated high school and somehow got into UPENN Graduate Hospital School of Medical Technology.
I say “somehow” because, although I was in accelerated classes, my grades were not that good. We had moved out of our new house, it was a new school, and I knew no one. There was even a visit from the truant officer when my mother went to work in a steel factory, and I just stayed home. Grim as it was, there was a teacher who believed in me, tutored me, and I am guessing followed up on my application to Graduate Hospital with a strong request that they give me a chance.
Later on, I received a BA in Psychology and decided I wanted to work directly with people instead of in the laboratory with blood and bugs. So, I went to Social Work School, and worked in mental health until I became administrative director of a group practice — and figured I’d better learn something about business. Hence, the MBA.
The dual path of mental health and business has positioned me well for the work I do today, the work I love, helping busy people thrive in work and life.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
My undergraduate studies began in early childhood education, at least as much to learn how to mother my baby girl as anything else. By now, I am the proud mother of two grown and married children who have blessed me so far with five grandchildren. That they all turned out happy, healthy, kind, smart, funny, and loving…fills me with confidence that I must know a little something about what helps kids grow.
That said, it was my adult clients who inspired me most in the direction of resiliency for kids. So many of my clients would ask why no one ever taught them anything about the mind and the brain when they were young, and our work together on behalf of their children had gone so well for their families, that I decided I would write a personal development book for kids and their adults.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
Yes, I do and I think I made it up myself! “It is not the decisions we make but what we make of those decisions once we have made them that makes all the difference in our lives.” Here is a story to go with that: When I decided to leave my position at Harvard Medical School to be closer to my children in DC, my colleagues admonished, “Who do you think you are? Do you have any idea how many of you there are in DC? What do you think…you are just going to walk in there and Tada?”
I knew it was risky to give up a great job, great benefits, great condo, and great friends. But after 13 years, it was time and I wanted to do it so I replied simply, “I am going to try.” The rest is a happy history, one decision after another, course correcting all along the way. And yes, Tada!
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
Again, it is not what happens, but what we make of what happens that makes all the difference in our lives. In The Whole-Brain Child, psychiatrist Dan Siegel has a tip for parents that has helped my clients like magic with their kids.
Siegel points out how natural it is for parents to want to take the pain away, often because they love their children and don’t want them to hurt although, at times, because the parent cannot tolerate their own pain about their child’s pain.
Either way, children (well, humans) need to know they are not alone when they are feeling distressed, and cannot even hear any sort of adult left-brain logic until their pain is met. Siegel puts it simply when he says adults need to go right brain to right brain before the child can be open and able to go left to any sort of problem-solving logic the adult may have in mind.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
What comes to mind is an adult male client who was diagnosed with a pituitary disorder. He did not want to worry his daughter, so he did not talk about it at all. But children are very smart and can pick up changes in mood or energy in the home, which may have been the case, given how close to home she preferred to be for a child her age.
Through our conversations, he mustered the emotional strength to give his daughter just enough concrete information on how he was taking care of himself and his problem, which appeared to set her free to enjoy her life.
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
Well, that is exactly what “What’s Your Story?” is all about! The book includes a growth mindset reset (breathwork), along with a problem-solving map (based on the Hero’s Journey. Practiced together, the 2 instructions preface the book’s many scenarios that kids face in school and life.
As one VP finance dad shared:
“I had such a fun time working through these simple exercises with my son and daughter. The framework presented in the book was intuitive enough for them both to ‘get it’ quickly and gave us an easy shared language to talk through resolving negative emotionally charged issues. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve caught them both ‘power breathing’ to reset their brains. I have found it very useful for myself as well and the kids can now call me out when I react emotionally instead of responding thoughtfully. I will join the chorus of adult readers who wish that they had been given a simple, effective framework like this sooner in my life.”
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
There is a wonderful book, How People Change, by psychiatrist Alan Wheelis. His answer to the question is basically, ‘They Just Do’. I do not believe that children grow resilient by their parents telling them how wonderful they are. Rather, I believe children grow resilient by what they do, when they see what they have done, reinforced by trusted others seeing it too.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
There is no such thing as multitasking. To the best of my understanding, the brain does not really attend to two things at once. Rather, the brain is going back and forth and back and forth, exhausting itself and you. A better alternative would be to practice, practice, practice better control over the placement of one’s attention and then notice how much happier and healthier one is likely to feel.
Another practice pertains to the ‘woulda, coulda, shoulda’ of the inner critic, plaguing far too many people these days — and also draining more energy than most even realize. Getting better and better at noting it and letting it go should also release a ton of energy for better things.
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
1. Go right brain to right brain before you go left. One little boy had a meltdown every time his mom walked out the door for her new job that included a lot of travel. She tried to tell him he would be alright. Daddy is fun, and I’ll be back soon. To no avail, until the time she went right at the feelings, telling him she knew how upset he was, sticking with him in it until he’d had enough, at which point he started saying “go already” and they all laughed.
2. Grant the child as much agency as is age-appropriate and safe. The Story Map in “What’s Your Story?” walks kids through a 4-step problem-solving model: What Happened, What’s Possible, What’s Next, and Happily Ever After. My granddaughter, who is going on 8-years-old is enjoying the workbook, and unlike the dad above who had such a fun time doing the book with his kids, my granddaughter (my consultant) is taking it on as an adventure of her own.
3. Practice breathing. Our family did a simple Buddhist-based dinner table exercise we called 3 Breaths and a Smile, never failing to start us out present and pleasant for our together time. Truth is, we thought it was hilarious that we even did this, but we did it anyway because it worked.
4. Resist multi-tasking. One client talked about how her child’s preference for her is so pronounced that it is hurting her husband’s feelings and affecting their marriage. And no, we did not take the approach that the dad needs to get over it. Instead, we explored how emotionally available she was or was not when she was with her child. That turned out to be not so much, as she spent a large part of the time she was with her son on the phone for work. This heightened awareness has helped her to uplevel her presence for the good of all.
5. Date night (or date day, or part of the day) with oneself. Parenting is a big and important job that requires rest and rejuvenation. People talk about date nights for couples, so how about regular dates with oneself to restore the self? Using the example of the airplane, parents are no good to anyone if they don’t get the oxygen to their own faces first.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
That would be number 3 above. To this, I would add the breathing exercise in “What’s Your Story?” and a 30 second mindset reset I call Power Breathing, the simple instructions for which may be found at https://madelaineweiss.com/power_breathing/
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
In addition to Siegel’s Whole-Brain Child, I would like to mention my previous personal and professional book for adults, Getting to G.R.E.A.T.: 5-Step Strategy for Work and Life. It is also the case that humans make about 35,000 decisions a day, mind-boggling for parents especially. I have, therefore, put together an online course for Optimizing Decision-Making for Peak Performance in Work and Life. Readers can find this and other courses via a button on my homepage.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Ha, what fun! How about Arianna Huffington who founded Thrive Global, a company focused on improving work-life balance and addressing issues like burnout through behavioral change solutions.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Courses, books, blog posts, exercises, social media…all appear on my website at https://madelaineweiss.com, Readers may arrange a free strategy session through the website as well.
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
My pleasure. Thank you!!
About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.
Raising Resilient Kids: Madelaine Claire Weiss Of MindOverMatters On Strategies for Nurturing… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.