Mindvalley Co-founder Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani On How Authenticity Pays Off To Help You Win Personally and Professionally
An Interview With Maria Angelova
Whenever I notice that I get triggered by something repeatedly, it maybe inexplicable; being grumpy or bitch for a little bit is fine. However, if I start noticing that it becomes a pattern for me, it is a red flag to sit down and ask myself what is happening with me. What is triggering me? Because the world only triggers me to the extent that I have discontent within myself.
There are exceptions, like significant events that naturally elicit strong emotions, such as the recent war on our doorstep here in Estonia. However, even in such cases, your reaction to those events can vary greatly depending on your relationship with yourself. You can be more or less at peace with the fact that things are not the way you would like them to be.
As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani.
Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani is the co-founder of Mindvalley, the world’s most powerful life transformation platform with an ever-growing 20 million-strong following. Kristina is an entrepreneur, writer, international speaker, artist, and philanthropist based in Estonia and the author of the Live by Your Own Rules and 7 Days to Happiness online programs as well as the forthcoming book Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living An Imperfectly Authentic Life (June 13; Hay House).
Kristina’s content has touched the lives of tens of thousands of students by providing wisdom, life hacks, and healthy habit-building formulas curated and inspired by her 20 years in the personal growth industry. She has created life-changing courses with the field’s leading experts, such as Lisa Nichols, Michael B. Beckwith, Neale Donald Walsch, and many more. Kristina hosts her own podcast, Honest Conversations, and has interviewed over 200 specialists in the field of psychology and self-development.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path and point in your life?
Let’s start with my childhood. For context, my background is a bit unusual. I was born and raised in the Soviet Union, which heavily influenced my life choices. It was a very different world back then.
However, when I was a teenager, the Soviet Union collapsed, and I enthusiastically pursued my plans. I began working as a civil servant for the government at a young age, which was partly due to the significant changes happening in the country. When there is a change in regime, the new leaders often come from the younger generation. I kickstarted my career early on.
At the age of 25, I married someone from a completely different background. My ex-husband was originally from Malaysia and had studied and lived with us at the time. After getting married, I moved to New York and essentially had to start from scratch.
Coincidentally, around the same time, my then-husband was starting Mindvalley. Since I was still exploring my own path and adapting to a new environment, I thought it made sense to assist my husband with his business. That is how I ended up becoming a co-founder, although it was not my initial dream or aspiration. It was more of a result of the circumstances.
Initially, I believed I would pursue a career in the realm of government or social work. I continued my education. Life proved me wrong and brought me back to Mindvalley.
Sometimes life takes us on unexpected journeys and places us where we are meant to be, even if it was not a conscious choice. I am sure you can relate to that as well, considering the tremendous transformation your country (Bulgaria) went through when the Soviet Union collapsed.
“You do not always get to choose the era you live in, but you can always decide what you do with the time you are given.”
I love that quote. By the way, speaking of backgrounds, I come from Eastern Europe too, from Bulgaria. I can understand the experiences and limitations that come with our upbringing. In my own journey, I underwent a transformative process of self-discovery, finding out who I truly am beyond the expectations and prescribed paths. Let’s talk about changing countries and starting over, discovering more about yourself. Let’s also explore how this relates to entrepreneurship.
It is interesting you connect these two concepts because I wholeheartedly agree with you. In the past, there weren’t many options in the Soviet Bloc. The Soviet Union was incredibly idealistic. Even the elite, who were considered luckier, didn’t have choices. It was a highly restrictive society that predetermined our future.
However, even in the free and Western world where we find ourselves today, there are still a lot of societal pressure and expectations. The difference lies in the way it manifests.
In the Soviet Union, for instance, you couldn’t choose to be an entrepreneur without risking imprisonment due to strict laws. Fear drove people to conform and do what they were supposed to do.
Even now, in our current environment, the majority of people in the so-called free world with market economies have a choice yet subconsciously attempt to make choices valued higher by society. It is quite natural most people subconsciously are choosing something they think will make them successful, accomplished, admired. So, while we have some degree of choice, philosophically speaking, our options are limited in terms of what we do.
Finding your path back to you is as relevant to the people who live in a free society because in this race towards the accomplishments which society values, we frequently silence our inner voice, our inner inclinations, our thoughts and what would make us happy. Sometimes, we choose things we think will make us successful rather than things which bring us joy. Of course, there is a huge layer of complications. There is a complex layer of assumptions involved.
For example, the belief that success requires sacrifice and hard work naturally steers us away from choosing what we genuinely enjoy. Naturally, you cannot choose the things you like because you think that is not going to bring you success; success is supposed to be hard. This pattern runs deep. Moreover, there is an idealistic notion, deeply ingrained in our mindset, that choosing you is selfish and wrong. That goes deep into the mindset.
That is why I say liberating yourself is when you unleash all of these expectations layered by society, parents, teachers, or the workplace. What does it mean to you to be authentic?
Before discussing what authenticity means, let me comment on what you just said. I would argue that most of these expectations are subscribed to by you. Society may expect whatever they want from us. It is only when you sign up to the expectations and assume them as right. Society may have its own expectations. It is when you willingly say ‘yes’ to them and accept them as right; that is when you abide to these expectations.
Deep down, we all possess some rebelliousness and understanding that we can defy norms. I have to make a distinction. I spent 16 years living in Asia. I acknowledge some societies are more restrictive than others but for most of us, we put the expectations on ourselves. For example, when we stay “my husband expects me to do that”. No, it is you who makes the choice to subscribe to this thought. When you say “I have to do that for my children” — all your children want is your presence, your love and your happiness. They don’t want any obligations. In fact, being a martyr places a huge burden on the people for whom you sacrifice yourself; we frequently overlook this fact.
Moving on to authenticity, for me, it is about having a relationship with yourself. That’s the simplest definition. It means staying true to yourself, your essence, your values.
Now, let’s broaden the explanation. In any relationship — be it with lover, partner, children, parents, or friends — we understand relationships require certain elements to thrive, to be healthy, supportive and solid. In my free interpretation, these elements include being present, committed, compassionate, and understanding. If we take relationships for granted, become distant from our family members, are busy with our own lives, are not present or committed in the relationship, lack compassion, it is a natural progression, these relationships will suffer and will not be healthy. Apply this analogy to the most important relationship in your life — the relationship with yourself. It requires attention, commitment, compassion, presence, and awareness.
Therefore, to me, authenticity means having this relationship with yourself in a healthy state. When this internal relationship is strong, you can be sincere and genuine in your outward relationships. When you have a healthy relationship with yourself, your only choice is to remain true to yourself. Then your choices become dictated by your essence, you values, by things important to you.
You noted something else that’s important — choices. Let’s talk about authenticity and the power of choice.
I think we always have a choice. Sometimes, we are so wrapped up and deep in our circumstances, the idea of choice eludes us. I will venture to quote Viktor Frankl. Viktor Frankl is a very prominent psychologist and psychotherapist writer who experienced Nazi concentration camps. In his work Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl wrote about people in concentration camps having a choice. It is an interesting break of pattern as it presents the idea that everyone and at every moment in life has a choice.
This quote comes back to me. Let me rephrase it: you don’t get to choose your circumstances; you choose how to react to your circumstances.
What do you think are barriers to people being authentic today?
My first thought is fear. We are afraid because it is a leap of faith. We are so afraid to be rejected or laughed at because we do have this innate need to be loved and accepted. This need goes deep into our evolution, back to ancient times when being rejected meant being in danger of dying. The fear of rejection is deeply rooted and primitive, which is why it is so overwhelming. Due to this fear of rejection and need for love, it is scary to show our true selves.
To give an extreme analogy, it is like when you start dating someone, we call it the “flower and candy period” in Russia. At the beginning of a relationship, you put on your best behavior in an attempt to be liked. It feels so natural to act our best. Biology plays a part too, as the person in love with you probably doesn’t see the way you actually are. We know that at some point, you have to expose your true self.
I think this is the biggest reason why people are not authentic. They are generally afraid they won’t be accepted. If we peel the layers deeper, there is also the fear that I am not worthy of love. I am not going to be liked. If people know who I am, if people know my flaws, they will condemn me. The scariest part is that if we confront our own darkness, we might not be able to like ourselves. What if we discover we are so bad that we can’t convince ourselves we deserve our own respect and love?
What is the flip side? What is the benefit if you are able to be vulnerable and authentic?
First of all, authenticity doesn’t require vulnerability. I know that is probably a complete counter to everything people are used to. You can be vulnerable without being authentic, and you can be authentic without the need to be vulnerable. Of course, if you want to show the real you to the world, that is probably going to require an act of vulnerability.
However, authenticity, as I define it, is about your relationship with yourself. In the realm of science, the only definition of authenticity comes from anthropology, and it means being true to your essence. It has no bearing on the outside world because it is all about how you relate to yourself.
Vulnerability involves external factors because you become vulnerable when you face uncertain situations where you don’t know how the world will react.
That is why I say that they are not as connected as we insist they have to be. I primarily study authenticity.
The flip side is that once you try to be yourself, it is really hard to stop being yourself.
What do you think authenticity does in terms of changing your relationship with yourself and the world, and how you experience the world?
I believe changing your relationship with the world is more of a consequence of becoming authentic. Here, I need to throw in another philosophical concept. Your relationship with the world is a reflection of your relationship with yourself.
I have been in personal growth for 20 years, and I have observed a strong correlation. If you are kind to yourself, it is much easier to be kind to the world. If you are compassionate with yourself, it is much easier to be compassionate with the world. If you are a perfectionist, you require the same perfection from the world.
Often, our relationship with the world is simply a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. Here is how I apply this philosophical thought in practical life.
Whenever I notice that I get triggered by something repeatedly, it maybe inexplicable; being grumpy or bitch for a little bit is fine. However, if I start noticing that it becomes a pattern for me, it is a red flag to sit down and ask myself what is happening with me. What is triggering me? Because the world only triggers me to the extent that I have discontent within myself.
There are exceptions, like significant events that naturally elicit strong emotions, such as the recent war on our doorstep here in Estonia. However, even in such cases, your reaction to those events can vary greatly depending on your relationship with yourself. You can be more or less at peace with the fact that things are not the way you would like them to be.
That can go into a whole other conversation. You brought up the example of the concentration camp. We started with the example of Eastern Europe. We say we did not have a choice, and choices were more limited. But you are right, we still had a choice in how we experienced the situation and the circumstances we were in.
I would like to share a silly fable.
A journalist was interviewing two brothers who had a very different fate. One of them was homeless and addicted. The other one was a very successful entrepreneur.
The journalist asked the first brother: Why did you end up like this? He answered: My dad was addicted to alcohol. He was constantly drunk. What did you think I would grow up to be?
The journalist asked the second brother: You are a businessman — why are you so successful? The brother answers: My dad was an alcoholic. He was constantly drunk. What did you think I would do with my life?
Same situation, different perspective, different choices. The power of choice.
Let’s switch gears. You have some exciting and big projects in the works. Would you like to share some of those with us?
The biggest thing this year is that my book is finally coming out. It is my first book. I am very, very excited, and I really wish my book baby a lot of success.
My book is called Becoming Flawesome. It is about learning to know yourself, accept yourself and love yourself, not despite your imperfections but with them and maybe even because of them.
When do you expect the book to launch?
The book is launching June 13, 2023. in the US, UK and Australia, if I am not mistaken. A big publisher is behind the book. It is going to be all over the country. It will sell in all the major bookshops such as Barnes and Noble, Amazon, airports and such.
Congratulations on your book, Kristina!
Thank you very much!
Would you like to share a favorite quote or piece of advice that resonates with you and keeps you positive and authentic?
Usually, I have many thoughts in my head so I will go with the first one which comes to my mind. It is a quote from the Cinderella movie, specifically from Cinderella’s mother. She said, “Have courage and be kind.” I think it is one of the most brilliant quotes. I like to have courage, be kind and wise.
Where can people follow your journey and find you online?
You can follow my journey and find me online. I am everywhere as Kristina Mand, and KristinaMand.com. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, and other platforms.
Thank you so much for your time and inspiration. I appreciate you being here with us. I wish you continued success and look forward to reading your book.
Thank you. It was a pleasure.
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
Mindvalley Co-founder Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani On How Authenticity Pays Off To Help You Win… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.