Kimberly Stark Of The Flourish Consultancy On How to Go Beyond Your Comfort Zone To Grow Both Personally and Professionally
An Interview with Maria Angelova
Own your agency. Yes you can use these hardships for growth, but YOU are the only one who can do it. So use these terrors to work that bravery muscle. Reframe fear as an invitation and nod that you’re going in the right direction.
It feels most comfortable to stick with what we are familiar with. But anyone who has achieved great success will tell you that true growth comes from pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. What are some ways that influential people have pushed themselves out of their comfort zone to grow both personally and professionally? As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kimberly Stark.
Kimberly Stark, CEO and founder of The Flourish Consultancy and prolific leader, has created one of the top California based, professional and personal development education companies. Kimberly’s B.S. in psychology coupled with her own life altering story of overcoming, spurred the innovative information curator to construct a highly developed program bridging the gap between conventional education taught in schools and the tools needed to handle day to day stresses and obstacles in order to “successfully adult.”
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
Absolutely! Thank you for having me.
Aw man. I grew up in a California coastal wonderland. My father was a strawberry grower on the Monterey Bay. So my childhood existed as this combination of farm soil covered bare feet, sandy beach towels, mariachi music, fresh carnitas, surfboards and wetsuits, coastal fog, and hikes to the Big Oak Tree. We lived on a farm, with few neighbors far down the country road. So I spent a lot of time as a child alone, perched among the branches of the old oaks surrounding our house, in the depths of my own thoughts, my very favorite place to be. I can still feel the sting of a misstep, as the bark scrapes my leg, or the smell of summer sun-warmed berries.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
Steve Jobs famously said that most people are taught to live within the constraints of a structured, conventional life and world. They are instructed to have a family and try not to bash into the walls too much. But, he says, once you realize that if you push into life, something pops out the other side… and that everything you see around you was made up by no one smarter than you, and YOU can create your own thing that others can use… once you realize this, you’ll never be the same again.
This was a worldview shattering shift for me. You mean, I can do this too? I can create my own thing that others can use?
Previous to hearing this, I had been in a long-term abusive relationship where my partner had called me crazy so many times, I eventually believed him. I thought to myself, well if it is true that I am crazy, this means I have nothing to contribute to the world, and if I have nothing to contribute, then why go on? Why exist?
Once removed from this voice, however, I discovered that I was not only not crazy, but I was actually rather intelligent. Jobs’ voice then came in and said, not only are you not crazy and rather intelligent, but the ones who make the most impact were often called crazy at times. And moreover, everything around you was created by people no smarter than you.
And he was absolutely right. I was never the same again.
Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
At the risk of dating this submission, and at the risk of a lot of things really, my most top of mind answer would be — The Barbie Movie.
This section, I will keep short, as I am probably still in the midst of my own evolution in this area. As I’ve built my business, I have been offered subjective truths by many well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) unsolicited advisors. Everything from “my content should be directed toward women because I was too pretty for men to listen to me (read — take me seriously)”, to “you only got that job because you’re pretty”, which I can assure you, there were several jobs I did NOT get a shot at because I was pretty, to “you look like you and live where you live — what do you know about overcoming adversity? You are simply not allowed to have a contribution in this arena.” Cue the listener tune out.
I am certainly not the first person who has been inaccurately judged on their competency and capability based on the way they present. But I definitely know its shock and sting. And I am embarrassed to say, I did things to take active measures to hide, to cover, to dress differently, to smile less, to be less bubbly, to be quiet, to not offer… to change myself, in order to be thought of as smarter, more competent or more worthy to contribute. The Barbie Movie has oddly freed me of hopefully the last reminisce of these constricting, unwanted, outdated, false thoughts and assumptions.
I will leave you with this…
You can be both hot and brilliant. You can come out the other side of excruciating trial, bask in the fruits and riches of your labor, and still be worthy to tell the story of how you got here. You can be a smoke show and crush the keynote. You can be both breathtaking and spirit-restoring. You can be ridiculously desired and offer the blueprint for others to build their most ridiculous desires. You can wear pink and change the world.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s start with a basic definition so that all of us are on the same page. What does “getting outside of your comfort zone” mean?
Imagine a big circle, drawn on a piece of paper. Now imagine a smaller circle over to the right and slightly above it. You are inside the larger circle, and let’s name this your comfort zone. Now imagine that the circle over and to the right is everything that is attainable to you. All you are capable of achieving, contributing and being. Draw with your finger a line between the two. This area here? This is where fear exists. Fear always exists between your comfort zone and where the magic really happens. It is always the barrier of resistance between you and your next you. Your next step or job or relationship or version of yourself. You will always have to walk through fear to get there.
We typically think of fear as a little trigger saying — stop! Danger ahead! But, when we reframe this healthy fear, we can begin to view it as a trigger that we are moving in the RIGHT direction, since it is what we must walk through to get to where the magic happens.
Bravery is not not being afraid. Bravery is making yourself move forward, while your heart is racing and knees are knocking. Reframing fear itself allows us to see fear as a sign we are on the right track, an encouragement to keep going.
Can you help articulate a few reasons why it is important to get out of your comfort zone?
Comfort is your nemesis. Comfort will keep you from finding out what you’re really made of. Don’t worry about falling too deeply into it though — the universe has a way of ensuring we never get too comfortable. =)
Is it possible to grow without leaving your comfort zone? Can you explain what you mean?
Continual expansion is why adversity exists. To make us make a move. I would have never launched Flourish had I been in a safe and comfortable marriage. I loved being a stay-at-home mom, and as an introvert who likes to work alone, I never would have prioritized the work to bring Flourish into existence. I had the idea for over 15 years, and while I had heard the whispers to create it, I only finally made the move after I had been laid off and was desperate and willing to take a substantial risk.
We typically only move when the discomfort to stay the same tips into being greater than the fear stopping us from changing. But fortunately bravery is like a muscle. Just as our physical muscles get stronger through exposure to resistance, our bravery muscle can handle more and more as we continue to work it. This is why you hear stories of the elite bravery athletes purposefully putting themselves daily in situations where they have an opportunity to challenge their muscle.
Can you share some anecdotes from your personal experience? Can you share a story about a time when you stepped out of your comfort zone and how it helped you grow? How does it feel to take those first difficult steps?
Acting has always been a part of my creative life. As a child I did small town community theater. When I moved to New York for college, I did theater with an off-broadway director, then when I moved back to LA, I auditioned for film and television.
When my kids were very little, my love for acting remained, but the action supporting this love was put on pause and traded in for time dedicated to being a fulltime stay-at-home-mom. But in 2012, I pushed back into it and was cast in this super cool, dark, film based on a Stephen King short story. The film, called Here There May Be Tygers, was drafted and directed by the amazing screenwriter of Hotel Rwanda, Keir Pearson and I played the lead character’s mother. I was surprised to be cast since I was so rusty, and that led to some serious nerves on shoot day. While the dormant talent of acting was awoken like riding a bike, the scope of the project was beyond anything I had done before, so logistically, I had no idea what I was doing and what to expect.
Kier Pearson himself came and summoned me to head over to the set. I followed behind him through this small walkway, a fence on one side and wall on the other, the back of his shoulders leading the way. Through this corridor, fear suddenly overtook me so ferociously, I was at risk of turning around and running. As we exited the passageway, my gaze opened to the array of actual humans existing behind the scenes of the camera. Oh. My. God. I am going to make a massive fool of myself in front of all these professional people. What if I open my mouth and the lines don’t come out? I didn’t have the previous experience to ensure they would. He directed me to my spot and before I knew it — action.
This specific version of terror was not unfamiliar. I had experienced it previously only one time in my life.
In my second childbirth, I had arrived at the hospital too late for an epidural or pain meds. I was doing pretty well, locked on to both my step-moms dialated eyes and the chant that developed as a natural guide through the harrowing contractions. However, at 10 centimeters, I took a turn. Transition. Suddenly an internal scream of consciousness overwhelmed my being — I want out. I don’t want to do this anymore. Pause, breathe and cognitive calculations ensued. Is there any possible way out?
I mentally grabbed my unraveling self by the shoulders, and shook her to grip attention and gaze… and relayed — there is no out. At this stage, there is no out. Your only option is through.
Smash-cut back to the set of Tigers.
“Action.”
The words did not come out. I stood there, looking down at my pretend child, waiting for some remembrance of lines or scripts, thoughts or human language in general, any sign of life. Nothing. Simply nothing. The masses of hipsters with clipboards and boom lights froze. No one breathed.
(long moment of paralyzing silence)
I tried again, and as blood seeped back into my brain, giving life to cognitive processing, I tried to utter the words again. Take One was painful. Two was worrisome, but Three delivered some promise.
On the other side of this “push outside my comfort zone”, hours later, home and surrounded by little arms climbing up my body and hanging on my legs, I felt overwhelming contentment. I had not died. I did not self-combust or melt into a pool of embarrassement. I even managed to not run… and I was ready to do it again.
This is the thing about willing ourselves into situations that terrify us. Once we do them, a raised bar is the new established set point. Our capacity for what we can handle before self-combusting or running, swells. This is expansion.
Here is the central question of our discussion. What are your “five ways to push past your comfort zone, to grow both personally and professionally”?
- Shift your perspective of adversity itself. Begin to believe you can utilize it as an opportunity to expand.
- Own your agency. Yes you can use these hardships for growth, but YOU are the only one who can do it. So use these terrors to work that bravery muscle. Reframe fear as an invitation and nod that you’re going in the right direction.
- Imagine forward. Get curious about a new way through the chaos. Create imagined worlds by asking yourself questions like — ‘what is the best possible life I can imagine?’.
- Check your mindset. Become very aware of your thoughts, particularly around how you view yourself and your circumstances in the key areas of your life. Then swap them out by choosing thoughts that serve you. Crave challenges. Welcome constructive criticism. View setbacks as learning opportunities.
- Set up your systems. Utilize Pareto’s law to assess your input and output. Ruthlessly eliminate according to this 80/20 rule. From there, bucket and batch your time to only do what will get you the ultimate results you are looking for. And do not forget to actively choose the identity of the person you’d like to become, even before your actions totally support it. Design her, then get up and choose her. Create the identity of who you’d like to become, step into her everyday, until one day, you are her.
We take our clients through these steps in The Flourish Masterclass.
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that keep someone from pushing out of their comfort zone?
Fear of failing, fear of what others will think, comfort itself, imposter syndrome, false, self-limiting beliefs around capability, identity and worthiness all can provide a resistance barrier to move out of our comfort zones. The first step is to become aware of these beliefs, then switch them out for beliefs that serve us. Some better beliefs are that everything we desire is on the other side of fear, that adversity can be the catalyst to our greatest strength, that hardship is an opportunity and invitation to expand.
There is a well-known quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “Do something that scares you every day”. What exactly does this mean to you? Is there inherent value in doing something that pushes you out of your comfort zone, even if it does not relate to personal or professional growth? For example, if one is uncomfortable about walking alone at night should they purposely push themselves to do it often for the sake of going beyond their comfort zone? Can you please explain what you mean?
First of all, if you feel uncomfortable walking alone at night somewhere, then don’t do it lol. We are talking about pushing ourselves outside our comfort bubble, not acting out of stupidity. I’m not suggesting you purposefully place yourself in a potentially dangerous situation… although, I guess some would argue — I did just this.
In the summer of 2020, I decided to sell my condo, take the money, and pay for six months rent up front on this dreamy little lighthouse in the sky, above a mermaid shop, on a quaint little island. And, at the same time, go all-in on my business.
To give you slightly more context on the depth of this risk and weight of life I was shouldering, I was also a single mother of four pre-teen and teenagers. To further add, I was simultaneously wading through significant adversity due to a trapped codependent relationship with an alcoholic, and the massive havoc this was wreaking on all our lives.
The move was a little crazy, I’ll admit, and a lot terrifying, but a risk I was willing and ready to take. I had thrown my own hat over the fence as a way to force myself to go get it. There was no other option than to work as fast as I could toward that six month deadline, to take my start-up profitable. To essentially build the bridge over the ominous chasm of death, faster than I was falling into it.
Here is the thing about bravery. As you build that muscle, your risks can get bigger and bigger. Which also means your upside can get bigger and bigger, along with your dreams.
I’m still here in my little island lighthouse and three years into my start-up. The waves of adversity continue to shore, but I have trained myself to ride them to my next destination.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
I’m doing it, through my learning and development company. We are literally changing the trajectory of lives through education and I feel so grateful to wake up each morning to this opportunity. For so long, “Kim’s Life Skills Class” sat as an acorn of an idea, and the whispers to build it grew louder and louder. I remember yearning for the day when I was just in the game. I wanted to be a contributor to the mission of human wellbeing and felt the desire in my bones. The catalyst of how to make impact morphed over time, as I gained more knowledge of the options. As a high schooler, I wanted to be a missionary, in college, a social worker, then psychologist. Once I was married, I started churches and moms groups. There was also a long dormant period when my impact and world got very small. My contribution role took the title of mother for many quiet years. Day by diaper-changing, baby-nursing, laundry-folding day, my arms held precious little lives, and the acorn that was Flourish laid beneath the soil. I thought it was buried. Many times, I thought I had been buried. But both the idea for the life-skills class — and I — had been planted, only to rise at a later time.
And here I am. It’s often hard to believe that I get to wake up to the life I live today, one I dreamt up then built for myself and my children. I regularly choose to gratefully acknowledge the reality of the present around me and continually make the active choice to step into the identity of who I am now.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
I mean, is anyone’s choice not Oprah? She has taught me more than I am capable of capturing in one submission. But if she is too busy =) — it is hands down Sara Blakely. Sara has been my mentor from afar. Because Sara said anyone can start a business, I believed I could. Her “make it, sell it, build awareness” business advice was the trajectory I adhered to as my (only) business plan. The cognitive framework transformation she experienced in her teens, through the mental conditioning tapes of Wayne Dyer, was similar to the life-altering mental framework restructuring I experienced in 2015, and the concepts are the same ones we teach now in The Flourish Masterclass.
How can our readers follow you online?
I am @kimberlyannstark on all apps. I am only active, however, on IG and LI, so reach out there!
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
It was my pleasure. And likewise, to you and your readers!
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
Kimberly Stark Of The Flourish Consultancy On How to Go Beyond Your Comfort Zone To Grow Both… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.