Kathryn Ely Of Empower Counseling & Coaching: Second Chapters; How I Reinvented Myself In The Second Chapter Of My Life
An Interview With Jake Frankel
Daydream. Our brains limit us all day long. It is their way of trying to protect us from harm. The problem is our brains often overprotect. The prescription for self-limiting thought is to daydream. When I daydream, and I come up with a new idea for my practice or my personal life, I ask myself, “what does one step bigger look like?” and I ask myself that question over and over until I can not think of anything bigger. It doesn’t mean I always choose to actually go after that biggest step. However, this process really helps combat self-limiting thoughts.
Many successful people reinvented themselves in a later period in their lives. Jeff Bezos worked on Wall Street before he reinvented himself and started Amazon. Sara Blakely sold office supplies before she started Spanx. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was a WWE wrestler before he became a successful actor and filmmaker. Arnold Schwarzenegger went from a bodybuilder, to an actor to a Governor. McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc was a milkshake-device salesman before starting the McDonalds franchise in his 50s.
How does one reinvent themselves? What hurdles have to be overcome to take life in a new direction? How do you overcome those challenges? How do you ignore the naysayers? How do you push through the paralyzing fear?
In this series called “Second Chapters; How I Reinvented Myself In The Second Chapter Of My Life “ we are interviewing successful people who reinvented themselves in a second chapter in life, to share their story and help empower others.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kathryn Ely, NCC, LPC, JD).
Kathryn is a Licensed Professional Counselor, National Certified Counselor, attorney, and recovering perfectionist. She is the founder of Empower Counseling & Coaching, a private practice in Birmingham, Alabama, specializing in Acceptance Commitment Therapy. Through ACT, she and her associates guide clients toward authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling lives based on their values.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
My mother died in a house fire when I was four years old. After that, I was raised by my father and my two grandmothers. All three of these wonderful, amazing people had so much to offer me, each something different, unique, and special. Looking back, I see exactly how fortunate I was to have had a true village raise me, like a complicated recipe, each aunt and cousin adding there own flavor and spice to the ultimate outcome. But when I was a child, I felt like I had missed out on the one thing every kid should have, a mom to love and guide her. I felt different, and disconnected from my friends because I didn’t have two parents who had couples friends and were in the loop. I translated all of this into my own story to mean I was “not enough”. I hung onto this story until I went back to school for a master’s degree in clinical mental health.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“I saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and I could do anything I wanted.”
― Jack Kerouac
This quote sums up what I was able to do for myself through Acceptance Commitment Therapy when I went back to school. It changed my life in the most amazing way. It was a complete transformation. I finally recognized my worth and realized my own thoughts about myself were my greatest obstacles. When I did that, I began writing a powerful new chapter. I share this quote on a daily basis with my clients. We really do create our own truth.
You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much?
True to the quote above, I would not have been able to say this about myself until about 5 years ago.
The first quality is courage to try. My former self was so afraid of making mistakes, I was afraid to try many of the things I really wanted to do.
The second quality is a willingness to see life as an experiment. In my earlier years I saw making a mistake as a failure that confirmed I was not enough. In this chapter, there is no such thing as failure. I treat life as one big experiment. I try whatever it is I want to try, collect the data from the experience, and try better. Most scientists do not discover the disease curing drug on the first try or even the hundreth. Sometimes they must try thousands of iterations before discovering the formula that works. By approaching life this way, I do not waste any time or energy lost in self-criticism. Instead, all my energy goes to trying better. This way of life has been one of true freedom. Being able to treat life as an experiment makes it easier to have the courage to try.
The third quality is self-compassion. For the longest time I was a perfectionist, not just a self-imposed perfectionist but an other oriented perfectionist as well. I was not only unreasonable with myself, I was unreasonable in my expectations of others. Through Acceptance Commitment Therapy, I learned how to stop criticizing myself and start showing myself love and compassion. The most beautiful part of this change was how much patience and compassion I gained in my relationships. Perfectionism robs us of fully appreciating the beauty of uniqueness that comes with imperfection.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Second Chapters’. Can you tell our readers about your career experience before your Second Chapter?
Yes, of course. I went straight to law school after undergraduate, passed the Bar Exam, and found my first legal job as an assistant district attorney. This had to be the absolute worse choice for an anxious perfectionist to make. At that time in my life, I needed to know what to expect and I needed thorough preparation. There was none of that with this job. They would hand me a file and say, “go try this case”. There was no time to prepare arguments or witnesses. Many days I came home in hives. I think I lasted three years at that job which felt like forever. Then I worked in various legal positions full-time and part-time for many years. At around age 40, when my kids and their activities were the busiest, I stopped working. That is really a misnomer. What I should say is I stopped being paid. Anyone who has stayed home with 3 children knows the amount of work involved.
As my children got older, I recognized I had lost myself to the job of mom. As a perfectionist, I thought it was my job to make life optimal for my kids, husband, and dogs. It took me a long while to recognize I was not making life optimal for myself. I had a beautiful life, but I was unfulfilled and lost. I took a part time legal position but was still unfulfilled. I knew I need something different but did not know what it was.
And how did you “reinvent yourself” in your Second Chapter?
I began thinking about what life would be like when the kids left the nest and that was scary. I was eating with my husband one evening, brainstorming what I could do next, and he said, “why don’t you become a counselor?”. “You already play that role for friends and family.” he said. I was intrigued by the thought but also terrified of going back to school and the amount of work involved. I liked school but the technology was light years ahead of what it was when I went to law school. We did not even have email yet when I graduated in 1994. It seemed overwhelming, but somehow I found just enough courage to call about the counseling program at the University of Alabama Birmingham. They waived the GRE requirement and after an interview, they let me in the program at age 46. The only way I could consider attempting to go back to school full time, while working part time, having 3 kids, and 2 dogs was one step at a time. I just told myself to show up to the first class. I made it to the first class and I loved it, I mean really loved it. I knew I liked learning when I was in college and law school but I did not thirst for learning and knowledge the way I did when I went back to school. I appreciated the privilege much more this time. I loved everything about it. It was still scary. Honestly, I am glad I did not know at the time I started that I was going to have to pass two huge standardize tests and complete 3,000 supervised hours before being fully licensed. That would have been too much for who I was when I started the program.
Can you tell us about the specific trigger that made you decide that you were going to “take the plunge” and make your huge transition?
The short answer is fear. At that point in my life going back to school was scary for sure, just not quite as scary as my kids leaving the nest without a plan for my future. I was so anxious, many of my thoughts and behaviors centered around fear.
What did you do to discover that you had a new skillset inside of you that you haven’t been maximizing? How did you find that and how did you ultimately overcome the barriers to help manifest those powers?
You would think that going back to obtain my masters and becoming a License Professional Counselor was the reinvention but that is not how I see it. The actual reinvention was not what I learned, but instead, the person I became throughout the process of obtaining my degree. When in school for counseling, much of the work is about learning everything there is to know about yourself. One has to know oneself that well and understand what stuff one is bringing into the room with a client so that it does not affect your client in a negative way. At the beginning of the program, I called myself a “type A” personality and a perfectionist. I knew I was insecure, but I had no understanding of just how much anxiety I had. As I learned more about myself, and realized how much anxiety had held me back throughout my life, I became determined to solve my own anxiety issues. So, in addition to my classes, I researched scientifically proven methods to address anxiety. I found Acceptance Commitment Therapy. They teach CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in school but not ACT. ACT is a more complicated form of therapy that includes cognitive and behavioral components.
I learned everything I could about ACT and asked if I could use it with clients during my year long internship. My professor allowed it, so I dug in. I took myself through it as I was guiding others through it.
For me the transformation was near miraculous. I went from being scared to do anything that I wasn’t sure I would do well on the first attempt, to being brave. I went from being my own worst critic, to being reasonable and compassionate with myself. I went from worrying all of the time about what other people thought about me to focusing more on what I thought of me. I went from always feeling like I was not enough to appreciating my combination of traits, skills, gifts, and talents.
The more I focused on all of the positives about myself, rather than my shortcomings, the more I moved toward my superpower. It was not until I fully recognized what I had to offer the world that I unlocked my distinctive superpower. That superpower is not tangible and it doesn’t have a word to associate with it except “me-ness”. I may share traits or talents or gifts with others but no one has the exact same combination of traits, talents, gifts, and strengths that I have. That combination is the superpower, my me-ness. Everyone has this superpower inside of them yet there are many people, like my former self, who don’t appreciate this about themselves.
How are things going with this new initiative? We would love to hear some specific examples or stories.
Things are beautiful. Now I see beauty in flaws and in mistakes. I spend my time helping clients go from dark grey worlds of anxiety and depression to more fulfilling and satisfying lives through Acceptance Commitment Therapy. We start by uncovering the thoughts causing anxiety and depression. We work on writing a new narrative and creating a new picture that includes all of their strengths, gifts, traits, and talents. Once clients obtain a positive view of themselves, we turn toward the 8 domains of their lives to assess where they are satisfied and where they are not. We do a deep dive into their values. We use these values to form dreams and goals. Then we work on actions, behaviors toward these values and goals. Being the person you want to be, valuing yourself, and taking action toward your values is the recipe for a satisfying and fulfilling life.
I had a client, a college student, whose untreated social anxiety went on so long that he became depressed. He barely left his room. He never went to class and certainly could not make social plans to do anything with anyone. He was isolated, lonely, and failing out of school. Through Acceptance Commitment Therapy he began going to class and talking with other students. He was able to start setting goals for the future and even went to the career center for assistance (something he had been scared to death to do before). Best of all, he began experiencing connection and belonging with others, and even found a girlfriend.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?
My husband. For the longest time he saw more in me than I could see in myself. He knew it was going to be harder on him if I went back to school. He was going to have to pick up my slack by driving the kids around during my class times and when I needed to do homework. He did not hesitate to suggest that I should go back to school and he supported me all the way through. I am beyond fortunate to have him in my life.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started in this new direction?
I think all of Covid was interesting period for me and my business. I was about seventy-five percent full with self-pay clients when Covid hit. I started my practice in 2019 with zero clients so by the beginning of 2020 I was optimistic that my practice would be full in the first few months of the year. Covid hit and telehealth was not big at the time. I think I dropped down to 6 clients total. My older kids who were in college came home, and one even brought a friend. So, we had 6 people in the house all of the time, and I had no home office. My former self might have thought to quit.
However, during lockdown, I sat in my closet and saw those 6 clients through telehealth. Because I had so few clients, I had to find a way to gain more. I have absolutely no business background whatsoever. I researched what helps counseling practices to be successful. I determined a large part is SEO, which I did not have for my website.
I diligently worked on SEO for the website, as well as, wrote a book, and created a mental health program based on the book. I was determined find a way for my practice to bounce back from Covid. Later in 2020, when I was able to see clients in person again, business bounced back to the point I needed to hire an associate. Covid forced me to slow down, which turned into an opportunity to learn and grow in areas that I would not have thought about before.
Did you ever struggle with believing in yourself? If so, how did you overcome that limiting belief about yourself? Can you share a story or example?
Yes, only every day for the first 49 years of my life. I was working my way through Acceptance Commitment Therapy while in graduate school. It was going well. I was moving away from my anxiety in many ways but I certainly was not all the way where I wanted to be. I had one semester left before I would graduate. My professor sent me an email letting me know I was required to give a presentation next week to an auditorium full of educators. When I read the email, my first thought was, “Nope, can’t do it. I guess I’m going to have to quit school.” I sat down and used the mindfulness I had been practicing to find some distance between me and that thought. Then I inserted what I valued between me and that thought, which was helping other people move away from anxiety and their limiting beliefs. When I inserted my values, I knew regardless of how anxious I was about speaking to a crowd, I was just going to have to do it. I remember walking in the auditorium that day and making my way toward the stage. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing. I walked up to the podium with the microphone, and I began speaking. I did not spontaneously combust. I looked out into the crowd and realized that my brain had been lying to me my entire life. My brain had been telling me I could not do things that I clearly could do. From that point on, anytime my brain told me I could not do something, I corrected it and said, “No, I just don’t know how yet”.
In my own work I usually encourage my clients to ask for support before they embark on something new. How did you create your support system before you moved to your new chapter?
I had been creating one unwittingly by growing and caring for my family. My husband and my children support me as much as I support them. I have great friends and extended family as well, but I rarely have to look outside of my own home for the support I need.
Starting a new chapter usually means getting out of your comfort zone, how did you do that? Can you share a story or example of that?
Going back to school 21 years after graduating from law school was a huge leap out of my comfort zone. I was scared to death of technology, and I really did not know if I would be able to remember everything I would need to remember to pass exams. Going back to school was somewhat fear driven. I was really scared of what my life would look like when my kids went off to school if I did not find something for myself. I had really lost myself when caring for them. I was even afraid that if I knew everything it took to become a Licensed Professional Counselor when I started that I would be too overwhelmed to pursue it. So I just took it one baby step at a time. The only thing I expected out of myself was to attend my first class. I was not thinking about graduating, passing the big exams, or everything it took to be fully licensed. I simply expected myself to take the next step. This method worked. When I came upon the next hurdle, I addressed it. I did not think too far ahead.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me before I started” and why?
- Focus on SEO of your website immediately. I did not know what SEO was or that I needed expert help with it when I began my practice. I put great effort into SEO during Covid and it paid off.
- Take your time and great care in hiring your team. I wasted time and effort on trying to mold someone into what I needed him to be to have the practice I wanted to have. That doesn’t work. Instead, be meticulous in establishing a process and hold out for the best people who do not need molding to carry out the mission and vision you have for your business. Now I do not grow the team unless an outstanding individual comes to us. Recently I had a lovely, intelligent woman with a doctorate in clinical psychology reach out to us interested in joining our team. When I started this practice, I never envisioned having a group practice, let alone having lovely people come to me wanting to work with me.
- The only way to truly know what works is to try. We can not think our way into knowing how some things will turn out. Sure, we can do due diligence but, in the end, trying and gathering data from the results is how we truly know. I rented an office space before I had even 1 client. I did not know how I was going to find my clients. I just knew I was going to try until I found the way.
- Take a day during the week to work on the business side. I tried seeing clients 5 days a week for a while. That meant any marketing or business management had to take place on the weekend. I quickly found that was going to lead to burn out. So, Fridays are strictly for business management now. I am working toward seeing clients 3 days, have one business management day, and adding a growth and learning day to each week.
- Daydream. Our brains limit us all day long. It is their way of trying to protect us from harm. The problem is our brains often overprotect. The prescription for self-limiting thought is to daydream. When I daydream, and I come up with a new idea for my practice or my personal life, I ask myself, “what does one step bigger look like?” and I ask myself that question over and over until I can not think of anything bigger. It doesn’t mean I always choose to actually go after that biggest step. However, this process really helps combat self-limiting thoughts.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
Self-compassion. Until we each love who we are and really value ourselves, we will not be able to offer our gifts in the greatest way possible. It is not arrogant or prideful to have an appreciation for all of the positives about ourselves. If we can’t see it or appreciate it in ourselves, we can not share it.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. 🙂
Tim Ferris. I love listening to the conversations he has on his podcast with entrepreneurs. I learn something new every episode. I think we could have a fascinating conversation.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
https://empowercounselingllc.com/
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Thank you. You as well!
Kathryn Ely Of Empower Counseling & Coaching: Second Chapters; How I Reinvented Myself In The… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.