An Interview With Jake Frankel
Get the thoughts swirling and running around in your mind out of your head and captured in some external form. This external form could be verbal, written, artistic, or a physical expression. It could also be a combination of methods. The most important aspect of this expression is that it can serve as a release valve for the pressure or stress caused by this loss or life change.
The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job. Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.
How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques? In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Ms. Angela P. Harper.
Angela P. Harper is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate and a Certified Grief Educator trained by world-renowned grief expert, David Kessler. She earned her M.S. in Community Counseling from Texas A&M Commerce~ Mesquite. With over a decade of experience providing non-judgmental, compassionate, Strength-based Recovery & Resilience support, Angela has experience working with individuals from diverse identities, cultures, communities and circumstances.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in a military family, and we moved to the States when I was 3 and ½. We settled in Austin, Texas, near Bergstrom Air Force Base. Coming from a strict authoritarian household, my siblings and I developed our own private language as a way to bond and feel safe. Due to the significant age gap between my older siblings and me, I grew up mostly as the youngest child but also as an only child at times.
I spent my Freshman year at the University of North Texas in Denton before diving into marriage and motherhood. Now, I’m proud to say I have two adult children, aged 26 and 20, whom I adore. It was during their childhood that I decided to finish off my undergrad degree and pursue a career in the mental health field.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
1. Be kind to yourself, dear — to our innocent follies. Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance. You will come to see that all evolves us.~ Rumi
2. I said: What about my Pain and sorrow? God said:. Stay with it. The wound is the place where the Light enters you. ~ Rumi
Rumi’s writings are like works of art. I am an appreciator.
The first quote is relevant to my life as a personal reminder not to be too moved by external forces and entities. There are no depths to how low some humans will stoop, and we can only imagine the heights of humanity’s best. But one thing we can do, completely independent of what another human does, is to have self-compassion and self-forgiveness.
The 2nd quote is also my own personal reminder to be patient with myself as I do the work it takes to heal from any “hard knocks” or “wounds” I have endured throughout my life. It is then, because of the focus (the light) on those injuries, that I’m able to dig deeper and get curious about how I was wounded in the first place. I don’t want to gloss over the wound and rush to patch it up, move on, and pretend to be “Healed.” I value a deeper and more thorough examination, exploration, and recovery process.
You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.
Absolutely! This might sound strange to some people, but one lesson I learned early on is the importance of muting the outside world while staying intensely focused on my end goal. This required me to keep one foot in ‘the ideal or imagination’ as I moved doggedly forward with the mundane. I can’t be too sure of other people’s intentions when they share or project their thoughts, fears, and limitations upon me as I move toward goals they do not fully support. I understood that I could barely listen to most of the feedback I received. I just had to observe what they said or did and then immediately state my verbal counterpoint or anti-venom. If it involved adverse actions, I would apply my salve and figure out a way to avoid allowing what they’d done to impede my goal.
Authenticity is another key factor that I’ve found to be incredibly impactful. Being genuine and showing up as your true self resonates well with people, much more than putting on a façade of professionalism. People appreciate authenticity and relatability, so fostering open communication and demonstrating that you’re approachable can significantly enhance the therapeutic relationship. I’ll add that the downside of being down to earth is that clients believe they are peers with the provider or want to compare and/or compete with the provider. It’s very important to keep the provider’s boundaries intact and steer the client into a personal exploration versus an external exploration.
Although somewhat unconventional, optimism has also proven valuable in my experience. It’s not about downplaying or minimizing the challenges individuals face but rather reframing situations in a way that helps them see things from a different perspective. By highlighting the silver lining and encouraging positive outlooks, I’ve found that clients often become more resilient and empowered to navigate their circumstances with renewed hope and possibility.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?
Since I have been through many losses and life changes, I can share one loss that I feel has turned my life and all facets of my health upside down. My father got to see me walk across the stage and graduate with my Master’s degree in May, and six months later, in November of that same year, he announced that he had stage 4 lung cancer. This immediately began to upend my nuclear family and anyone who was attached to my father. A little over three months after making his announcement, I was a witness to my father’s final days and, eventually, his transition.
What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?
There were many scary parts to the process of my father’s passing. I think the scariest part was recognizing, in real-time, the protection and betrayal of our denial, along with all the other stages of grief that my family of origin and I were experiencing. At that time, I did not have enough solid, healthy coping skills or long-term support to help me through those moments, from hearing about his diagnosis and prognosis to burying him. All the support I received from my new supervisor, my compassionate, comical co-workers (shout out to Circle Drive), my family of origin, my household, my friends, and associates helped shield me from the worst things that could’ve happened to me, such as losing my full-time job, descending into insanity and depression, suffering and recovering from PTSD, and potentially succumbing to self-medication.
How did you react in the short term?
I was devastated and in a whirlwind of grief. A little over three months after my father’s announcement, he was in immense pain and suffering, hospitalized, in hospice, and then passed on. I cried a lot and went numb. I dissociated quite a bit and tried to push past the death of my best friend…my father.
After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?
Considering the gravity of the transition of my father’s passing, it took years to regain a sense of normalcy. Fortunately, I had already experimented with self-medication while my father was deteriorating, so I understood clearly that I needed healthier, nondestructive means of coping to quiet my mind so I could sleep at night. My mom, siblings, and I spoke with each other more frequently, which helped a lot in addition to stand-up comedy, aroma therapy, and an herbal tea blend that supported my nervous system.
Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?
For me to address my grief and subsequent PTSD, I had to first acknowledge that my father had passed away and then tell someone outside of that experience more details about the things I witnessed during my father’s transition from hospital to hospice to sitting with him in death. It took years to process everything I had experienced. Healing was and is a process, a journey that is unique to each individual. There is no timeframe for grief or loss. It helped a lot to reconcile my father’s positives and negatives and to realize and appreciate how he showed up as a champion in my family of origin despite his battles.
In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.
In the first couple of years after my father’s transition, I mostly talked about my experiences, suffering, and grief with my siblings because I knew that we experienced a lot of this trauma together, from the hospital to hospice to preparation for his interment. However, on his birthday and Father’s Day, I would write a lot and share some of my thoughts with family and friends who were willing to read my tribute.
Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?
Discussing my father’s favorite songs, sayings, jokes, habits, and antics helped tremendously. Revisiting the past was a great way to keep his memory alive.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?
There were so many people during that time of bereavement who were understanding, compassionate, and supportive. Right before my dad made his announcement about his diagnosis, 75% of the people at my job were laid off.
I never questioned the timing of that layoff, and I was excited to find employment at the beginning of the new year after the holidays. However, I was terrified that I would be released from my new job because I did not have vacation or sick days during my training/onboarding process.
My Clinic Manager showed a great deal of patience and compassion for my circumstance as a brand-new employee processing a dying parent. She ensured that I got the time I needed and was well enough to go out in the field to visit clients.
Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?
Over time, I was able to live in sheer gratitude because I was fortunate to have an awesome and active dad for 33 years. I recognized that my father literally gave everything that he had to his family and extended family.
I found evidence that he most likely knew about his diagnosis and prognosis years ago but declined the medical options offered to him. He was at the doctor’s office often, and by the time he shared his health status with us, the cancer had metastasized throughout his entire body.
I also considered that he was able to pass away in the presence of his family, surrounded by love and appreciation, versus all the other possibilities. He was also stationed overseas many times and was a Vietnam veteran. There was no promise that he would survive 28 years in the US military. By the Grace and Mercy of the Almighty, he lived long enough to adjust to civilian life and provide our family a safe, stable, and secure foundation.
What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?
I learned many things about myself and the people around me during one of the most challenging times of my life. I was very proud of my resilience and the resilience of my family of origin. There were times when my days were gray and colorless. Most of what I experienced was love and support, which all worked out in my favor.
However, I also learned that some people have difficulty seeing past themselves to hold solid positions of compassion, support, and service to others in need. Some pray for people when they are down, and others prey on them. Either way, it is beneficial to know who is surrounding you deeply.
Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change?” Please share a story or example for each.
1 . If at all possible, take a time out. Sometimes rest and a reset are necessary to align your body, mind, and soul. It may be tempting to power through things and put yourself on the back burner for a more convenient time, but in my experience, issues that are not properly attended to and addressed can haunt you later on. When unresolved issues resurface, it’s often at the worst possible times, which can be a tricky way to get people to slow down and finally rest.
2 . Get the thoughts swirling and running around in your mind out of your head and captured in some external form. This external form could be verbal, written, artistic, or a physical expression. It could also be a combination of methods. The most important aspect of this expression is that it can serve as a release valve for the pressure or stress caused by this loss or life change.
3 . Be self-compassionate. Be gentle with yourself because you might be going through a variation of your death and rebirth cycle. Even if it feels unbearable, do something that makes life feel better. Honor, respect, celebrate, and show gratitude for even your tiniest victory or action towards having your own back. Remember, you don’t need anyone’s permission to feel all your feelings about your current situation or experience. Feeling sad or angry doesn’t make you weak, selfish, negative, or illogical. You are also not obligated to share your experience unless you feel safe enough to do so. You might be going through some turmoil, so be patient with your adjustment process.
4. Consider contacting a professional, seasoned individual, counselor, or support group for reinforcement during your loss or life change. A close friend or relative might talk with you for a while, but they may not welcome the long-term weight laid on them. Also, not everyone you know will automatically be a good listener, understanding, respectful, or deserving of your story. This is understandable, as people often struggle and fight battles every day. Why add to their troubles? There is no shame in talking with a mental health counselor or dialing 988.
5 . Although things may not feel fun or funny, keep a sense of humor. “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine,” is found in Proverbs, and I have heard “laughter is the best medicine.”’ There is quite a bit of research backing these sayings. Even if it’s laughing till you cry or crying till you laugh, LAUGH, and laugh A LOT. Even fake laughter has been shown by research to have many benefits. It just might help improve your health in many areas and could help you reach the shores of healing.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
I’m looking into laughter therapy, so inciting a rash of laughter in stressful, harsh, or tense environments sounds wonderful.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. 🙂
Since I mentioned laughter therapy, Katt Williams is one of the biggest advocates of incorporating laughter into everyday life. His comedy has personally helped me through some tough times.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You will soon be able to find me on the zant app as well as Psychology Today and Grief.com!
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Grief Educator Angela Harper On 5 Things You Need To Heal After A Dramatic Loss Or Life Change was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.