Caring for Myself and My Twins: Rae Lynn Payton On Emotional and Physical Recovery After Giving Birth To Twins
An Interview With Lucinda Koza
Accepting help is key. Help looks like having someone stay overnight and accepting meals made by others. Hiring a housekeeper wasn’t an option for me, so the house chores became low on the priority list. Sleep needed to be prioritized rather than chores. But each day I would get a couple things done to make me feel like I was chipping away at the laundry list of things to do.
Giving birth to twins presents unique challenges and demands a significant emotional and physical recovery process. The journey to regaining well-being while caring for newborn twins is complex and deeply personal. Balancing self-care with the needs of two newborns can be overwhelming, but it is crucial for the health of both the mother and her babies. By sharing these experiences, we hope to provide valuable insights, support, and practical advice to others facing similar challenges.
As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Rae Lynn Payton.
Rae Lynn is a full-time mom to twins, as well as the creator and author of Naturally Oklahoma, a blog that focuses on helping families create their own memorable travel experiences. Besides writing about local hidden gems, Rae Lynn is also an educator, freelance writer, and photographer. She loves helping families create their own enduring memories of exploration, capturing keepsake moments, and educating our youth, our world’s future.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
Hello there! I’m the mother of twins who are now teenagers. Being a mom was my lifelong dream, and it’s honestly been my greatest joy. At the end of each day and each decision, my kids’ and our family’s well-being has always been at the forefront. However, it took me far too long to realize that prioritizing them meant also prioritizing me.
I went through a divorce when they were young, and it was difficult to navigate. Our futures were changed indefinitely, and it took me a long time to come to terms with our new paths. Taking charge of my own choices and rerouting our lives was not done without flaws. Oh, there were plenty! But I can look back now and know I did the best I could at the time.
I found renewed passions that had been long forgotten. I fell in love with photography and the artistic therapy it provided. I enrolled in local classes. My muses were my children, of course. I had always enjoyed lugging a camera with me everywhere as a child, but I was gaining tools to take it to a new level. Capturing details through my lens both warmed my momma heart and sparked a new joy — a love of chasing light within an artistic outlet that produced treasured keepsakes.
As a single mom and an educator, I wanted to bring in more income for my little family. I learned the ropes of entrepreneurship and found that I enjoyed having a side business in addition to teaching. Over the years it expanded into writing, another passion I had enjoyed as a young girl.
I met the love of my life a couple of years after my divorce. Now, I’m a stepmom to a bonus son and a wife to an amazing man. Together, we’ve built a wonderful life and a home for our family.
Traveling, spending time with our family and friends, and exploring our outdoor world locally and afar have become some of our favorite pastimes. Through Naturally Oklahoma, I’ve found a way to merge some of my passions into one ever-growing place.
Can you share a little about your childbirth experience with us?
I definitely was not as prepared as I wish I had been. Looking back, resources were not as readily available and information was far more limited than today. Access to online platforms provide so much more than what we had at that time. Recovery and self-care may have looked a little different then than it does now, but the need was very much the same.
I chose to do a C-section toward the end of the pregnancy after planning a natural birth. I had one of the few physicians in the state that would allow me to have a natural birth with twins in the hospital. In the end, I feared for “Baby B’s” well-being if something were to go wrong and the possibility of having an emergency C-section on top of a natural birth with “Baby A.”
Having a major surgery like a C-section was not something I was entirely prepared for, even though I felt I was fully ready at the time. I became extremely nauseous during the C-section. The room was cold and bright and everything moved so quickly. I was naive in my expectations, but it felt rushed and inauthentic to say the least. One moment I was trying my best to hold it together and not think about what was going on around me and to me and to the babies, and the next… the babies were suddenly there.
I felt extremely ill-equipped and outnumbered. I did not feel qualified to suddenly fully support these precious little beings. I couldn’t even walk easily. My body was dealing with the aftermath of a major surgery and the effects of it — migraines later that night, profuse sweating, itching, and complete and utter exhaustion.
Upon leaving the hospital, their dad and I looked at each other and said, “How do they trust us to take them home?” That was the scariest drive of our lives. He drove slowly and carefully the entire way.
Twin pregnancies can often be high-risk and include premature deliveries. If you had difficulties with your twin pregnancy, how did that inform the early days after their arrival? How did it inform the bonding process?
Although the delivery was not at all what I imagined it to be… magical, I imagined magical… My pregnancy was pretty amazing in so many ways. My body responded well, and I carried them to my planned C-section date. I had swelling in my legs and Braxton Hicks early on but managed it. I increased my fluids to about 64 ounces of water per day and used compression stockings and leggings. As an educator, staying off of my feet was difficult. I was able to continue teaching up until the last month of my pregnancy.
However, complications arose after birth that interfered with consistent bonding. One of our twins had to go into the NICU on the first night. I was frightened and devastated. I spent the first couple of days traveling back and forth between both babies’ rooms to try to spend time with each and breastfeed both. We had to leave the hospital with one baby and leave our other baby behind. The feelings of despair I felt were indescribable. I was scared and uncertain amidst exhaustion post-surgery.
However, we were fortunate because after a little less than a week in the hospital, we were able to all be together at home. Those early moments of separation were unexpected since I was considered full-term for twins. It made our bonding moments limited in the beginning. We were terrified of worst-case scenarios. Emotionally and physically, I was exhausted from the beginning.
A twin pregnancy makes demands of your body that are almost impossible to imagine. How does this change, or not change, once they are born?
Lots of changes occurred quickly after they were born. I had no idea that profuse night sweats following their birth would occur. It frightened me at first, until I learned that it was normal. My milk never fully came in, and I was heartbroken. Through a combination of breastfeeding and formula, we were able to keep them fed and gaining weight. It took a toll on our sleep schedules. We fed them every 3 hours the first few weeks and 1 hour of that involved the combination of breastfeeding and bottle feeding. I had to have help. I couldn’t do it alone. Their dad, my mom, and mother-in-law all took turns feeding one baby while I fed the other. Then we switched.
I managed to continue breastfeeding for about 8 weeks. It took months for my body to feel more like myself. But I was so busy caring for them that my health was not a priority at first. It was an annoyance to not bounce back as quickly as I’d hoped. Parts of me never fully returned to its previous state. I learned to love the changes that ultimately became symbols of bringing my little loves into our lives.
If you cannot, like most people, accomplish the physical act of holding both of your twins at the same time, how does this affect you as a mother? Is there ever a sense of lack of control, or fear, or guilt?
It was frustrating and saddening. I would worry. Did I hold them enough? Did I ever let them cry for too long? Was I enough for each of them?
I did have feelings of guilt of never fully being enough for either of them. Typically, a newborn is the focal point of care, as older siblings are often more independent and can tolerate more hands-off moments. With two newborns, I felt inadequate at times as they shared my focus. Whether it was holding them, rocking them, taking them to the pool as toddlers… I never felt like I could do that safely while they were very young without an extra set of hands.
How have you been able to manage or overcome these feelings?
I became mindful of moments. With help at first, I could hold both. Later on as they became more stable and stronger, I could maneuver one while holding the other, without the need for help. I got to the point where I could carry both car seats at the same time, one in each hand, while walking into their home daycare. That was huge for me. I didn’t like leaving one behind while taking in the other.
I learned to focus on what I could do, not what I couldn’t do. I created workarounds for new struggles until I found a solution. Needing help could easily feel defeating, but I chose not to focus on my limitations. I was blessed with babies.
In a perfect world, what do you think moms of twins need to ensure this transition into motherhood is a healthy one?
Honestly, a good therapist. One that is experienced and that you fully and completely trust and love.
Also, new moms need support from every angle — their spouse or partner, family, friends, coworkers. Having your people on your side to listen to your challenges and triumphs and be with you as you navigate this new life is crucial.
Can you please share “5 Things You Need to Recover Emotionally and Physically After Giving Birth to Twins”?
1 . Prioritize self-care from the get-go. Watch the show, stand in the shower 2 minutes longer, drink the coffee while it’s hot, say NO when you want to without feeling guilty, get a best friend’s ear or a therapist. Hang out with your people and do the things! It makes you feel a little more human again. Find moments of self-care. Tend to those moments like a plant and let them grow as time allows. Yes, some days and seasons will find more than others. Build it into your calendar if you must. But don’t wait for life to get easier. Make it a priority.
2 . Accepting help is key. Help looks like having someone stay overnight and accepting meals made by others. Hiring a housekeeper wasn’t an option for me, so the house chores became low on the priority list. Sleep needed to be prioritized rather than chores. But each day I would get a couple things done to make me feel like I was chipping away at the laundry list of things to do.
3 . Force yourself to find the sunshine. My sister came over one afternoon and was shocked to see the drapes drawn, us in our pajamas, and all of the lights off in the house. It was then that I realized something needed to change. We were living in constant sleep-when-you-can mode. I had to try to find some balance and put a little normalcy back in our routine. Daily walks became something I craved and looked forward to. Fresh air and exercise were necessary.
4 . Sleep. Feelings of overwhelm and fear were strong, as was the sudden shock of continuous sleep loss. The lack of sleep impacted every part of my life and didn’t help my state of mind or confidence in being a good mom, which I so desperately wanted to be. I tried to sleep every chance I could at first. I never knew I loved and needed sleep so much until I couldn’t get it.
5 . Don’t rush. Don’t rush through this phase or through these moments. Find balance in your new routines and slow down as much as you can. Let go of what was, and embrace what’s new. You may feel lost in the seemingly endless repetitiveness of changing diapers and loss of sleep, but those days really do end far too quickly. I leave one stage, greatly missing it, but fully enjoying so much about the next one. Finding my balance wasn’t easy and definitely wasn’t perfect.
Has your sense of self shifted, or morphed, with the birth of your twins?
Oh, without a doubt. They have pushed me to grow in so many ways. They inspire me, give me inexplicable joy, and hold my heart at its core. My life without them and before them now seems hollow in comparison. My life shifts as they grow, follow dreams, and tackle new hurdles. Even as they become more independent and eventually will be on their own, they are tethered to my heart and have shaped my inner self.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)?
Taylor Swift. I’ve been a fan from the beginning, but watching her morph into who she is, take on the world, and stay true to herself is something I greatly admire.
If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would hope to inspire a movement for a love of learning. Kids and adults of all ages learn best when they are engaged, interested, and want to learn. It needs to be self-initiated for a person to fully get the most out of learning. They have to want it for it to be deeply meaningful and retained. Finding ways to encourage and foster that love of learning in each person helps strengthen the foundation of our future.
How can our readers follow your work online?
Readers can learn more at https://naturallyoklahoma.com/.
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: After becoming her father’s sole caregiver at a young age, Lucinda Koza founded I-Ally, a community-based app that provides access to services and support for millennial family caregivers. Mrs. Koza has had essays published in Thought Catalog, Medium Women, Caregiving.com and Hackernoon.com. She was featured in ‘Founded by Women: Inspiration and Advice from over 100 Female Founders’ by Sydney Horton. A filmmaker, Mrs. Koza premiered short film ‘Laura Point’ at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival and recently co-directed ‘Caregivers: A Story About Them’ with Egyptian filmmaker Roshdy Ahmed. Her most notable achievement, however, has been becoming a mother to fraternal twins in 2023. Reach out to Lucinda via social media or directly by email: lucinda@i-ally.com.
Caring for Myself and My Twins: Rae Lynn Payton On Emotional and Physical Recovery After Giving… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.