An Interview With Lucinda Koza
Self-Advocacy. We women are always taught to be good: good girls, good patients. And in the beginning, I was! I followed whatever my doctor told me because they were the expert. But the experts kept failing me: they could not tell me why I kept miscarrying, and told me to just “keep trying.” Except they weren’t the ones who kept losing babies. Eventually, I had to say enough and searched for a specialist dealing with repeat loss. (Many doctors criticized this specialist but didn’t have any better solutions.) He is the one who got me my baby. And I like to pay it forward, helping women find the special treatments they need. Every clinic seems to have “their way” but remember, it’s not “the only way.” Never be afraid to ask questions or seek second opinions!
Infertility and the journey through IVF are challenges that many individuals and couples face, often accompanied by emotional, physical, and financial stress. Despite advancements in reproductive technology, the process can be isolating and fraught with uncertainty. How can we better support those navigating infertility and IVF, and what strategies can help manage the various challenges along the way? As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Amy Klein.
Amy Klein is the author of The Trying Game: Get Through Fertility Treatment and Get Pregnant Without Losing Your Mind (Penguin/Random House),.which was based, in part, on her New York Times “Fertility Diary” column, chronicling her four-year journey — ten doctors, nine rounds of IVF, with four miscarriages — to have a baby. As one of the first people to write about IVF, she melds science with her own personal stories as well as others going through the process. She writes about health, wellness, fitness, parenting, fertility and more .for The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Business Insider, CNN, Yahoo and others.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
I started out as a reporter in Jerusalem, then moved to New York, Los Angeles and back to New York again. I still live in New York, working as a journalist, editor and ghostwriter. As a long-time journalist, I have always written about what I was going through, to serve as a guide to every story, whether it was going sky-diving, trying honey-harvesting, or diving into online dating when it first began.
How did you get involved in this field?
I got married at 40, then had a few miscarriages and started fertility treatment. It was 2011 when there was no one really talking about it — except on some hard-to-find internet boards devoted to mothers. There was no social media, no Fertility Influencers, no Facebook groups really devoted to the subject. As a reporter, I could not believe there were no mainstream stories on the subject. As the editor of Brain World Magazine, I had a healthy understanding of science and making it understandable to the common man. So I started trying to research the science and make it understandable to a mainstream audience at The New York Times, Slate and other publications. I also wanted to take readers on my journey to understand what we women go through in IVF. Before I had a baby, there was so little information out there. But after I emerged from new mom haze in 2016, it started to feel overwhelming how much information was out there. And I wanted to cut through all the noise and provide people with an ABC guide to infertility, from the very beginning of finding out you may have a problem, through financing, egg freezing, donor eggs and adoption or when to decide to stop, and that’s my book.
From your experience working with individuals and couples navigating infertility and IVF, what are some of the most common emotional challenges they face, and how can healthcare providers best support them in managing these emotions?
Most straight people are shell shocked when diagnosed with infertility (though they’re not usually diagnosed with anything, they just have trouble conceiving or maintaining a pregnancy). They go from thinking that having a baby would be the easy part to not knowing if they ever will have a family, how long it will take and how much it will cost. It’s the not knowing that’s the hardest, with the second hardest part is how to have a life while undergoing this. Do you tell everyone or keep it private? What should you tell your employer when you have to miss work so often? How can you be happy for other people having kids? How can those in a couple stay on the same page? IVF Doctors need to realize they are not just medical professionals trying to get someone pregnant, but should have a support team to help deal with all these issues.
Fertility treatments often come with significant physical and hormonal impacts on the body. What strategies do you recommend to patients for managing the physical toll of IVF, and how can healthcare professionals better assist in minimizing these side effects?
Doctors by now should know the effects meds have on the body — sleeplessness, fatigue, bloating, etc. And should discuss them with patients, as well as the scientific research on what foods and activities to avoid during each stage of treatment (alcohol, marijuana, exercise, jacuzzis etc.) Healthcare professionals should be upfront about side effects and lifestyle changes and counsel patients how to deal with them so they can have a full life while going through IVF.
Following through with the complete process of fertility testing and treatment can be absolutely grueling for the body for what could be years. How can someone cope with constant procedures, medications, hormones?
I found that the best thing to do is take care of my body through walking, yoga, biking, running (light) or swimming — depending on which part of my cycle I was in. It’s also important to take mini breaks from treatments to allow the body to recover.
Financial stress is a major factor for many couples undergoing fertility treatments. How can healthcare providers and therapists address this stress proactively, and are there any resources or advice you offer to help patients navigate the financial challenges of IVF?
Let me be clear, as someone who did paid IVF and someone who had free IVF abroad, paying for IVF is the worst. When a cycle fails, and it’s free, it still hurts, but not to the tune of $20,000. At the start, you should do as much financial planning as possible, whether it’s applying for a grant from charities like Baby Quest or winning a cycle from companies like Fertility IQ; you can also look into employment at generous IVF companies like Bank of America or Starbucks, or think of moving to states that provide care, like NY, NJ or MA.
IVF clinics keep a firewall between their finance and medical sections but doctors need to break down that firewall and understand what patients are going through and make their finance departments crystal clear and upfront about costs.
Can you please share “5 Things You Need to Navigate the Challenges of Infertility and IVF”?
1. Self-Care and Boundaries
When I talk about self-care, I don’t mean spas and massages, necessarily. I mean you have to learn to actually take care of yourself, because no one else is having this exact experience (even your partner, who is going through some thing but not the same thing.) That means that you have to set up a wall around you to protect yourself during this time — no matter how long it lasts. These boundaries might include taking space from a nosy mother-in law, or not attending a good friend’s baby shower. (I did, and trust me you don’t need to!) It might mean telling your husband that you don’t feel like taking that trip, or being honest with your boss how you can’t take on a new project. You are not ill exactly (though infertility is a medical condition) but you have to marshal your resources to protect yourself during this time.
2. A Strong Support Network
When I was going through IVF some of my best confidants were friends who were childless by choice. That’s because my friends with kids had judgments (you waited too long) and my single friends couldn’t’ relate (at least you have a partner). Speaking of partners, yours is not always going to be your bestie in this process. My husband, for example, was good at setting long-term goals (how many cycles, at which clinic) but not great with the emotional fallout. My friend’s husband, on the other hand, did all the research for everything. Many people will fare better through this — and in life — if they can realize what to count on their partner for — and then find others to do the rest.
3. A long-term plan
Obviously, when you start fertility treatment, you hope it’s going to be quick and work on the first try. (And it almost did for me, as I get pregnant on my first cycle.) But if it doesn’t, you should set up an overall plan, like we did: We planned for three cycles at one clinic before moving to another. (By the way, I don’t believe you should ever stay at a clinic for more than three cycles.) You have to take into account your finances, yes, how much you can afford, but you also have to take into account your emotional resources: how long will we do this before we call it quits or look at other options we might not have considered?
4. Self-Advocacy
We women are always taught to be good: good girls, good patients. And in the beginning, I was! I followed whatever my doctor told me because they were the expert. But the experts kept failing me: they could not tell me why I kept miscarrying, and told me to just “keep trying.” Except they weren’t the ones who kept losing babies. Eventually, I had to say enough and searched for a specialist dealing with repeat loss. (Many doctors criticized this specialist but didn’t have any better solutions.) He is the one who got me my baby. And I like to pay it forward, helping women find the special treatments they need. Every clinic seems to have “their way” but remember, it’s not “the only way.” Never be afraid to ask questions or seek second opinions!
5. This is not forever
It’s hard to imagine this period in your life ending but it always does — hopefully with a kid or two, or at least peace of mind. I had a friend — that miraculous IVF patient who, after five years of treatment and having twins, fell pregnant immediately with her third — who could never remember the answer to any of my questions about medicines and cycles. She was too busy with her kids (three under 3!) and I found that comforting. This period will not last forever, so give it everything you’ve got so you know you did your best to create the family you wanted.
The isolation that often accompanies infertility can be overwhelming. What role does mental health support play in the IVF journey, and what can healthcare professionals do to create a more connected and supported experience for patients going through this process?
I did not go through counseling during my four-year journey. I probably should have. (Though some might say writing was my therapy to work things out.) Most clinics make therapy mandatory for those using donors, as do adoption centers, but there is none for “regular” fertility treatment, from IUI to IVF. I wish that most clinics would include mental health counseling and information for every step of the process: from OMG I have fertility issues to How am I going to cope with my best friend/sister/coworker’s baby? Technology may have changed in the ten years since I went through treatment, but I see the same emotional issues popping up with people going through infertility: the emotional cycle and the problems it causes people — women and their husbands especially — could use mandatory counseling or group counseling for every stage.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)?
I would love to meet with major philanthropists to discuss initiatives in helping people afford IVF. Someone like Bill Gates from the Gates Foundation, or Gordon Moore, co-founder of Intel, and his wife Betty Moore. I would love to meet with billionaire Nicole Shanahan, former running mate to RFK Jr. and former wife to Google founder Sergey Brinn. Though she has voiced opposition to IVF for its false promises to women, she is also heavily invested in technology that would extend a woman’s fertile years. With so many women and men facing infertility it should be a cause for anyone interested in healthcare.
If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I wish America could be like other pro-natalist countries that provide free unlimited IVF to anyone that needs it (within certain age limits). I would settle for three free cycles of IVF in states like NJ, so that everyone, not just the wealthy, could have a child.
How can our readers follow your work online?
www.kleinslines.com or on instagram at Thetryinggame_book
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: Nancy Landrum, MA, Relationship Coach, has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married and Love it” and “Stepping Twogether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy has been coaching couples and stepfamilies with transformative communication skills for over thirty years. Nancy is an engaging interviewer and powerful speaker. Nancy has contributed to The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Authority, Medium, Yahoo, MSN, Psych Central, Thrive, Woman’s Day magazine, and more. Nancy is the Founder of the only one of its kind online relationship solution, www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com. Nancy coaches couples across the globe in person and via Zoom. Nancy’s passion is to guide couples and families to happy lasting marriages where children thrive and lovers love for life.
Author Amy Klein On Navigating the Challenges of Infertility and IVF was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.