Mental Wellness Mastery: Mental Health Expert Lianna Purjes On Everyday Life Hacks For Optimal Mental Wellness
An Interview With Eden Gold
Communicate directly. People always say they hate passive-aggressive behavior and then often engage in it themselves. It happens because it can feel more vulnerable to be direct with someone. Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s also good. It helps us connect more to others. So, the next time you need/want something, just say so!
In our modern, fast-paced society, mental wellness is a crucial aspect of leading a fulfilling life. However, for many people, achieving and maintaining good mental health can be a challenging task, with obstacles such as stress, anxiety, depression, and more. That’s why it’s essential to have practical and accessible strategies for mental wellness that can help build resilience, emotional intelligence, and overall well-being. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Lianna Purjes, LCSW
Lianna Purjes, LCSW is a licensed therapist and Empowerment Coach helping adult children of alcoholics master the tools and strategies needed to build healthy, long-lasting relationships. Lianna has Masters degrees in Clinical Social Work and Education and over 15 years of experience helping clients improve their relationships.
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) herself, Lianna benefited greatly from going to therapy and 12-step programs but kept wondering, now what?! She was starting to heal but felt something was missing. Her relationships were often short-lived, disappointing, and left her feeling like something was wrong with her for not being able to find the companionship she so desperately wanted.
It wasn’t until she started her training as a therapist that Lianna began to connect the dots and actually make concrete changes in her life. Now she’s happily married to an incredibly supportive man and has genuine friendships with people who she considers family.
And then she thought, “how did nobody teach me this stuff sooner?!?” Lianna decided to take all of her knowledge from her clinical training and lived experience to create a coaching program that helps other ACOA’s gain an understanding of what their childhood experiences did to their developing brains and find the path to healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series. Before we dive into our discussion about cultural sensitivity, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share with us the backstory about what brought you to your specific career path?
Absolutely! I started my career as a teacher working in the South Bronx, in some of the poorest congressional districts in the country. I loved teaching, but I noticed that my kids were going through some really rough experiences: living in poverty, and even some experiencing abuse or neglect. I didn’t know how to help them, and I hated that. We didn’t get trained in trauma in education classes. I also noticed that I always loved helping kids who were struggling emotionally, even more so than teaching the academics. Eventually, I decided to go back to school to get a second master’s in Social Work so I could become a therapist.
On a personal level, I had experienced abuse and neglect in my childhood. Therapy helped me heal quite a bit, but I didn’t truly see the results of that healing in my life until I got trained as a therapist. I realized what was missing all those years was having an understanding of why I reacted to things the way I did, and having practical strategies to handle my emotions and communicate with others. It was life-changing for me! So, I decided to start a coaching program to help other people who grew up in dysfunctional homes learn the skills needed to have healthy relationships.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?
In my first internship in my Social Work program, I worked for a clinic where we were providing parent/child psychotherapy for toddlers and their parents who had experienced trauma. One of the kids I worked with was in foster care and had some of her visits with her mother in our program, with attendance being inconsistent. One day, this little girl and I were playing in the play room, and her mom walked in. She completely froze. I’d never seen anyone freeze quite like that before. She looked like a little statue. I don’t think she even blinked. I learned that this was a trauma response. Even though this little girl and I had come from very different backgrounds in a lot of ways, I related to her in a way I hadn’t felt before, and I think that’s because I also felt unsure and unsafe in my family. It was very powerful.
You are a successful individual. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
- Tenacity: We all have moments where we feel like giving up; it’s completely natural and okay to feel that way. I think the important thing is to let yourself feel it for a while, and then when you’re ready, get back on the horse. I’ve always had this natural drive and ambition to make change for myself and for others. But I think it’s also important to have some balance. If you do decide to throw in the towel on something, that doesn’t make you a bad person or a “quitter.” Sometimes it’s ok to give up, and sometimes you want to keep going. I think the key is to make those decisions when you’re calm and thinking clearly.
- Passion: I’ve always enjoyed the work I do, and I think that’s a key piece to being successful, at least for myself. My work isn’t just a paycheck to me or a way to pay the bills; it’s something I deeply care about. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are lots of people out there who are successful and don’t have that passion for what they do, but for me, my love for my work is critical. Listening to people talk about traumatic events and holding that space for them to process their emotions is mentally and emotionally exhausting. You can’t do this work if you don’t enjoy it.
- Self-Awareness: As I said above, this work is very rewarding for me, but it’s also HARD. Being in a session with someone and helping guide them through the healing process is like being on camera at the Superbowl: it’s intense. In order to not burn out, you have to know your limits and recognize when you need a break.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview about mental wellness mastery. What is one often overlooked daily habit that can significantly improve one’s mental wellness?
Pausing. It’s the first strategy I recommend to everyone. In our modern day lives, we’re constantly running around, doing things, getting alerts from our phones, and worrying about what needs to be done. Our brains are not built to be on edge all the time. It’s so important to allow ourselves to pause and take a breath once in a while. It helps us regulate our nervous systems and think more clearly.
How do you recommend individuals recalibrate their mental wellness after experiencing a significant setback or failure?
I think it’s important to remember that nobody is perfect, and making mistakes can actually be a great learning opportunity. The reality is, when it comes to improving mental health, it’s a bumpy road, not a linear process. We often take two steps forward and one step back. It’s helpful to remember this when we have setbacks because it’s just a normal part of being human!
In your experience, what is a common misconception about mental health that hinders people from seeking help or improving their wellness?
I think one of the biggest myths about mental health is the idea that “positive thinking” will solve your problems. Things like gratitude exercises and positive affirmations can be helpful tools to use at times, but there is such a thing as toxic positivity. One of the most important practices we can adopt to improve mental health is actually allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is we feel, negative or positive. When we try to magically wish negative feelings away before we’re ready, we actually do more harm than good.
Can you share a transformative moment or client story that highlights the power of a specific mental wellness strategy?
I had a client who had experienced complex trauma in her childhood as well as some traumatic events in her adult life. She struggled leaving the house because her anxiety was so high in certain situations, and her relationship with her partner was suffering because she was triggered so often, she wasn’t able to truly be present for her partner. We did a lot of work together on using healthy coping skills to manage the anxiety and her trauma responses. I also made sure to provide her with a lot of psychoeducation on what happens in the brain when we experience stress/triggers. Understanding what was happening in her brain and practicing using these coping skills was life changing for her. She’s now able to leave the house without having an anxiety attack and is very happily married. It was truly inspirational to see her transformation!
Based on your experience and research, can you please share “5 Everyday Life Hacks For Optimal Mental Wellness?”
1 . Pause. I had a client who often blurted out things he didn’t mean because he had trouble controlling his impulses. It created a huge rift in his relationship with his wife because he said things that he later regretted; including things that he knew would irritate her. We worked on creating a system to help him remember to pause and think before speaking. It only takes 2–3 seconds at most, and now he and his wife argue half as much as they used to.
2 . Communicate directly. People always say they hate passive-aggressive behavior and then often engage in it themselves. It happens because it can feel more vulnerable to be direct with someone. Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s also good. It helps us connect more to others. So, the next time you need/want something, just say so!
3 . Take a break. When I sit at my computer all day, my eyes hurt, my lower back hurts, my whole body feels achy, and I don’t sleep very well. This is because as humans, we’re not meant to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. Nonetheless, this is a reality for many people working full-time jobs. The good news is, you can take breaks, and they make a big difference! Even if you can only take 5–10 minutes at a time, do it! When I take a break in the middle of my day to get fresh air and move my body a little, I feel better, sleep better, and actually feel more productive when I am working.
4 . Set and keep boundaries. I had a client that felt terribly guilty anytime she set a boundary with someone. And if she did, she would often cave and not enforce the boundary, also because she felt uncomfortable with being assertive and holding that line. In the moment, it worked really well at alleviating her guilt, but after that first few minutes, she felt awful and walked all over because she was prioritizing other people’s needs over her own. So, for a few minutes of relief from guilt, she spent days or even weeks feeling used. Holding to your boundaries may feel uncomfortable for a few minutes in the moment, but it’s completely worth it in the long run!
5 . Aim for progress, not perfection. As we discussed earlier, mental health improvement is a bumpy road. You’re not going to be perfect, and that’s completely normal! I had a client once who regularly said they were improving every day and didn’t have any setbacks at all. I called BS. If it were that easy and simple, everyone would be great all the time and not ever need help. My client and I worked on acknowledging and accepting the setbacks as not only normal, but actually helpful because they gave us good information. Growth happens when we’re uncomfortable, not when things are sunshine and rainbows all the time. My best advice is to allow yourself to notice the down times or mistakes and learn from them, rather than ignoring them or pretending they don’t exist.
What role does technology play in mental wellness today, and how can individuals leverage it positively without exacerbating mental health issues?
I have noticed a ton of new apps and other technological tools out there to help with people’s mental health. I think they can be a great supplement to therapy or coaching, but should not be seen as a cure-all. Again, human emotion is complex, and there is no magic pill or easy fix. As humans, we need connection with other humans to heal. No app or AI system can replace that.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
How do I choose one?!?! Ok, if I have to choose one, I would like to see some kind of system that allows for genuine connection and support for everyone in the world. As an adult child of an alcoholic and someone with little to no family support, my life has been very difficult. I often spent holidays alone and had to survive the constant messaging in our culture of the importance of being with family. I didn’t have that option even though I so desperately wanted it. It’s incredibly painful to get through the holiday season alone. I once spent a few days in the hospital completely alone because I didn’t have anyone to visit me. Nobody should have to be alone like that.
How can our readers further follow you online?
You can learn more about me and my work at www.coachingwithlianna.com, Instagram: @coachingwithlianna, or in my free Facebook group where I do weekly live trainings, share tips and resources, and run a really awesome and supportive community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/resentmenttoresilience
Thank you for the time you spent sharing these fantastic insights. We wish you only continued success in your great work!
About The Interviewer: Eden Gold, is a youth speaker, keynote speaker, founder of the online program Life After High School, and host of the Real Life Adulting Podcast. Being America’s rising force for positive change, Eden is a catalyst for change in shaping the future of education. With a lifelong mission of impacting the lives of 1 billion young adults, Eden serves as a practical guide, aiding young adults in honing their self-confidence, challenging societal conventions, and crafting a strategic roadmap towards the fulfilling lives they envision.
Do you need a dynamic speaker, or want to learn more about Eden’s programs? Click here: https://bit.ly/EdenGold
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