…We experience loneliness when we are not alone because of our perception of love. Movies and social media give us a skewed, fantasy-like view of love that, in many ways, is impossible to achieve, and most of us know it. Why, then, do we put such pressure on ourselves and love? Instead, it is time to redefine love. Love is much more than the romantic facade we see around us. When we stop to reflect on what love is and who we love, we quickly realize that romance is only one version of love. The love we receive from friends and family is often much deeper and unconditional than the romantic love we encounter. If we redefine love, it is much easier to recognize the love around us and realize just how loved we are. I define love as believing in someone. It’s that simple. If I believe in someone, I want them to achieve their dreams, believe in themselves, and see themselves as the amazing person they are. In turn, I feel love when someone believes in me. Making the concept of love less complex makes it easier to see the love around you and recognize that you matter. Having people show me love by believing in me is better than any romantic love I could ever experience…
As a part of my series about “authors who are making an important social impact”, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Wendi Zimmer.
Wendi Kamman Zimmer is a #1 bestselling author, mindset expert, educational consultant, and Clinical Assistant Professor at Texas A&M University. Her research focuses on mindset development for increased mental well-being. Wendi is the author of the bestselling book, The Force Continuum: How to Shift Your Mindset to Transform Your Life.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
Absolutely! I was born and raised in Texas by my parents, who were both elementary school teachers. From an early age, my siblings and I were taught the importance of lifelong learning and how important it was to be the best version of ourselves. I spent most of my free time at my mom’s school, helping her set up her classroom and create a fantastic environment for her students, so deciding to have a career as an educator was natural for me. While academics came relatively easy to me, I often struggled socially because I was a chronic people-pleaser from an early age. I wanted people to like me and frequently hid the real me to fit in with the crowd. This practice followed me through college and into adulthood until I embarked on my journey to believe in myself.
When you were younger, was there a book that you read that inspired you to take action or changed your life? Can you share a story about that?
One of my favorite books when I was young was A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle. The surprising plot twists kept me engaged, but it was the connection I felt with Meg Murray that left an impact on me. Meg wasn’t the perfect, confident hero at the start. She often doubted herself and felt like she didn’t fit in. Even so, she found the courage to fight for what mattered and stood up for others. A Wrinkle in Time helped me realize that you do not have to be special or fearless to impact others.
It has been said that our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I do not have many funny mistakes, but I have a monumental mistake that has changed my life forever. I have always been a people-pleaser. Early on, I learned it is easier to keep the peace and make everyone happy (or at least try to), and I continued that way of thinking well into my adult life. The thing about always making others happy and not thinking about yourself is that, at some point, you will wake up and not know who you are. You will feel like you are running in circles without getting anywhere because no matter what you do, you do not feel like you are enough. That was me!
In 2016, my life was on this same trajectory. I was almost two years into my doctoral program, having decided that being a college professor would be the next step that would finally make me happy. I was married to a great guy, we had a gorgeous daughter, and, as always, I looked like I had it all together. You see, I was fantastic at putting on a show. I would never let anyone know that I was unhappy or failing. Having others see me fail was unacceptable and embarrassing in my mind. I was “too blessed to be stressed.” Plus, I had a strong work ethic, so I knew how to research and learn what I needed to do to be seen as enough.
In September 2016, when my daughter, Logan, was two years old, she got very sick and ended up in the hospital with juvenile pancreatitis. Through the work of both the world’s best pediatric gastroenterologist and gastrointestinal surgeon, Logan is now healed. What started as her stomach hurting turned into seven surgeries between the ages of two and five, a removed gallbladder, and a rerouted bile duct.
At the end of the first 36 hours, in tears, I yelled at a poor nurse (it was not her fault) and told her that either she gave my daughter some ice (keep in mind, Logan had been crying for hours at this point due to pain and hunger) or I was going to. That night was the first time I put aside my people-pleasing tendencies and fought without caring what anyone thought. Afterward, I felt horrible that I yelled at the nurse and was unable to sleep because I did not believe in myself enough to fight for my daughter.
I made the mistake of letting my people-pleasing tendencies get in the way of being the person I wanted to be. I let my worries about what other people thought of me keep my daughter from getting the care she needed. I failed as a mother that day.
After that first hospital visit, I started researching what made me feel I could not speak up when needed. Why did I withdraw inside myself even when I knew what I was talking about or was surrounded by people who wanted to help me? Why did I worry so much about what others thought? Why did it seem so easy for some people to speak their minds, but not me? Because of this mistake and what I learned about myself through the process, I developed a system to help increase my self-belief, and I now teach this system to others.
Can you describe how you aim to make a significant social impact with your book?
Instances of poor mental health in the world are on the rise. We have even dedicated a month to mental health awareness in the United States. Mental health is when individuals feel positive emotions toward life and function well psychologically and socially. Daily, we feel the impact of mental health symptoms as we witness school shootings, rising suicide rates, increased diagnoses and prescriptions for anxiety and depression, and substance abuse. An estimated 30.6% of Americans over age 18 suffer from mental disorders. Few individuals receive treatment for their mental health conditions due to a lack of knowledge, funding, or willingness, leading to decreased life satisfaction.
Poor mental health stems from a lack of belief in ourselves. I am on a mission to increase self-belief in this world by teaching people HOW to believe in themselves. People often tell us what and why to believe, but no one tells us HOW. If we believe in ourselves more and help others increase their self-belief, mental well-being will increase, and stress, anxiety, and depression will decrease.
Can you share with us the most interesting story that you shared in your book?
We live in a world where 900 million of us feel unfulfilled and want more out of life. We play the game to achieve more but hide who we are and what we want because we do not want to be judged. We do A LOT but take little action toward the things that could actually fulfill us.
If you fall into that 900 million category, I see you. My life was a textbook example of being unfulfilled and wanting more without knowing how. I would grasp after each new shiny object that came my way, hoping it would make me happy and repeating the process again and again when it did not.
Stephen Nedoroscik fell into that category. Stephen is now considered a hero, but that was not always the case. Stephen, a self-proclaimed nerdy engineer capable of solving a Rubik’s Cube in under 10 seconds, was an unexpected addition to the 2024 Olympic U.S. Men’s Gymnastics Team. He started practicing gymnastics when he was young but was not seeing the progress he wanted. Instead of trying to be everything to everyone, he threw all his efforts into the event he excelled at: the pommel horse. By focusing his energy on that one event, Stephen became an event specialist, winning multiple competitions and eventually landing a spot on the Olympic team.
During the Olympic team finals, Stephen did not portray the usual characteristics of competitors. As he sat on the sidelines, wearing his glasses, he quietly brought water to his teammates, cheered on their successes, and meditated in the background. Most shots of Stephen showed him with closed eyes, seemingly disconnected from the scene around him. As his team succeeded, you could sometimes see Stephen smile with his eyes closed, but that was all.
Finally, at the last event of the night, it was Stephen’s turn. The build-up to this event had been surreal. This performance was Stephen’s chance to show the world why he had made the Olympic team. Stephen needed to nail his routine for the American team to break a 16-year losing streak and medal in the Olympic Men’s Gymnastics Team Competition.
Stephen opened his eyes, got up from his chair, and, as one reporter noted, channeled his alter ego from Clark Kent to Superman by taking off his jacket and glasses and delivering the routine of his life. The crowd, Stephen’s coach, his team, and he himself erupted in cheers.
As Stephen was hoisted into the air, he put his glasses back on and fell back into the persona the crowd had grown to love. He was back to Clark Kent, but not without being hailed as a hero, as he and his team won the bronze medal in the Olympic Men’s Team Competition.
I love the Olympics and always watch them, but sitting on the couch with my daughter on July 29, 2024, watching Stephen Nedoroscik compete in the pommel horse event on television will be one of those nights I remember forever.
Stephen discovered the secret to transforming his life to get what he wanted. When he realized he would not master all the gymnastics skills he needed, he focused on what he could do to achieve his dreams. How about you? When you reflect on your life, do you have what you want? If so, fantastic; now you can start working on what you want next. If not, why not?
What was the “aha moment” or series of events that made you decide to bring your message to the greater world? Can you share a story about that?
It was my students who inspired me to write my book. In my classes, I often do activities that teach students HOW to believe in themselves. My students frequently report that they take the activities home and complete them with their roommates, parents, etc. They would share with me how much everyone loved it and how they wish others could come to our class to learn HOW to believe in themselves. My students repeatedly told me I should “write these things down so other people can experience what they experience.” After years of telling them I had no intention of writing a book, they finally convinced me.
Without sharing specific names, can you tell us a story about a particular individual who was impacted or helped by your cause?
In 2021, I was a faculty member at Texas A&M University. I was still working to learn more about myself and how to be the person I wanted to be. Unfortunately, I was falling back into the same patterns. I was quiet, reserved, and afraid for anyone to see I could fail. Once again, I looked like I had it all together and knew everything I needed to do to be happy and successful, but I was dying inside. I was burnt out, just going through the motions to make it through each day. Despite all the research I had been doing on myself and what to do to be happy, I still couldn’t. I knew what to do; I just didn’t know how to transform my life from a place of limiting fear and exhaustion to life-giving.
I was sitting in my office one day, talking to one of my students who was about to graduate. She was in tears, sharing how she never felt good enough, and after four years at her dream school, working toward her dream job, she just didn’t want to do it anymore. She was tired of working tirelessly without making a difference in her feelings. While she talked, I saw myself in her. She was telling my story just a few decades earlier.
As I sat and cried with her for the first time, I admitted that I suffered from the same limiting beliefs about myself. I also told her I had been working on myself to figure out why I had those beliefs and what I could do to make myself feel more valued and fulfilled. I asked her if she wanted to join me as I continued to search for ways to transform what we believe about ourselves. That day started an incredible mentorship between us and led to the discovery of the Force Continuum, the system I explain in my book.
In the following months, through that conversation with my student, I developed a system to help myself believe in who I was and who I was meant to be. I then helped my student apply the system in her life. As I continued researching, I started teaching all my students what I had learned and created.
I teach writing, communications, and mindset development. There are a ton of limiting beliefs around everything I teach. Early on, I could see my students struggling with using their voices, not knowing how to effectively communicate when they are outside their comfort zone (like me in the hospital room), and facing challenges to believe in themselves and their ability to write and speak. Every semester, students come to my office to talk about their fears and anxiety surrounding writing and speaking. While I do not fear writing or public speaking, I resonate with their struggles to believe in themselves and speak up. Interestingly enough, when researchers surveyed people about their top fears, results showed people’s number one fear is death, their number two fear is public speaking, and their number three fear is death by public speaking.
As I routinely taught my students what had worked for me to help me believe in myself, I also saw a change in them. Being the good researcher I am, I also started researching with my students. The results were amazing. My students reported feeling more confident as writers and public speakers and believed in themselves and their ability to achieve their goals and dreams.
Are there three things the community/society/politicians can do to help you address the root of the problem you are trying to solve?
- Everyone needs to become educated on what it means to believe in themselves and work to increase their self-belief and model self-belief for others.
- People can realize they are good enough and stop allowing inhibiting beliefs to prevent them from achieving what they want.
- We can stop throwing money at programs that do not work and simply check a box and instead focus on investing in people working to help decrease the mental well-being crisis in this country.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
I define leadership using a Maya Angelou quote. “Do the best you can until you know better; when you know better, do better.” As leaders, we must believe in ourselves and that we are good enough. We have to model self-belief for others and help them increase their self-belief. We have to stop worrying about what other people think and focus on helping others be the best version of themselves. We have to consistently show up and invest in ourselves so we can show up for others.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why? Please share a story or example for each.
- You are good enough!
Let’s start by recognizing that YOU ARE ENOUGH! You are good enough! You are smart enough! You are attractive enough! You are whatever you need to be. Too often, we don’t feel like we are enough, which is the biggest lie we tell ourselves or let others tell us. I am telling you today that YOU ARE ENOUGH! Having the mindset that we are enough is vital to our conversation on identity. If we do not believe we are enough, taking the necessary actions to develop and hone our identity is even more difficult. So, when we talk about identity, we are not talking about changing who you are to meet some arbitrary level that you or others have set for you. We are talking about what you want and how you want to be seen. Talent doesn’t matter if you do not believe in yourself. As Lewis Howes says, “You will never rise any higher than how you see yourself.”
Using myself as an example, I am such an introvert, and I tried not to be for years. In my mind, being introverted kept me from achieving what I wanted and was one reason I was not good enough. As I started working on my force and recognizing how I wanted to be seen, I realized that my introversion could be a source of my power. I didn’t need or want to change my introverted nature, and honestly, I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Instead, I learned how to use my introversion as a strength. I learned to see my introverted traits as a positive part of my identity. Now, I love being introverted and the power it gives me to help others. This recognition is what I want for you. YOU ARE ENOUGH!
2. It doesn’t matter what other people think.
Our fears are often based on worrying about what others think. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough; but in reality, our fear of judgment is based on others’ facial expressions, and our perception of someone else’s facial expression is based on how we react and show emotion in similar situations. Research shows that when we look at someone, and their face looks like ours does when we are happy, we assume they are happy. When their face looks like ours does when we are frustrated or angry, we assume they are frustrated or angry. It actually has nothing to do with them but everything to do with our background, experiences, and perceptions.
There is no way to know what someone thinks, feels, or believes just by looking at them. I should know. As a university professor, I spend a great deal of time staring into my students’ faces while I teach them, wondering if their facial expressions mean they get what I am saying or if they are just thinking about lunch.
We think that what others think about us and life’s circumstances carries a lot of weight and can hold up our world or bring it crashing down. We think what others think about us really matters.
People are generally very self-centered. We think a lot about ourselves and very little about others. Most people don’t notice others around them because they focus on themselves. If this is the case, why do we worry so much about what others think? Chances are we are wrong, and they aren’t paying much attention to us anyway.
3. You are more.
The world tells us lies about our identity with impossible standards to attain. We struggle daily to live up to who the world says we should be. But we are more than what the world says we should be. We are more than our appearance, more than our waistline, more than our job, more than our titles, more than our strengths, more than our weaknesses, and more than the roles we play. We are MORE!
Instead, we should lose what others think about our identity and conceptualize identity on a much deeper level. Yes, we should still work to take care of ourselves. But our values and identity are much more than what the world says. We are wonderfully made to serve a purpose on this Earth, which is the identity we should focus on.
Lose the identity you feel the world is crafting for you and, instead, determine who you want to be.
4. Learn to love yourself.
How do you define love? We all want to be loved and feel loved. We spend our lives searching for love, and when we do not have what we consider love, we often experience loneliness.
Have you ever been in a situation where people surrounded you, but you still felt lonely? You aren’t alone. Loneliness is one of the leading causes of mental health decline.
We experience loneliness when we are not alone because of our perception of love. Movies and social media give us a skewed, fantasy-like view of love that, in many ways, is impossible to achieve, and most of us know it. Why, then, do we put such pressure on ourselves and love?
Instead, it is time to redefine love. Love is much more than the romantic facade we see around us. When we stop to reflect on what love is and who we love, we quickly realize that romance is only one version of love. The love we receive from friends and family is often much deeper and unconditional than the romantic love we encounter. If we redefine love, it is much easier to recognize the love around us and realize just how loved we are.
I define love as believing in someone. It’s that simple. If I believe in someone, I want them to achieve their dreams, believe in themselves, and see themselves as the amazing person they are. In turn, I feel love when someone believes in me.
Making the concept of love less complex makes it easier to see the love around you and recognize that you matter. Having people show me love by believing in me is better than any romantic love I could ever experience.
There is nothing wrong with romantic love, but love is such a fantastic emotion that we must stop narrowing it to one lane and thinking that if we are not “in love,” we are incomplete. Instead, we must broaden our view of love and recognize we are loved more than we realize.
I see love around me every day. I love all of you because I believe in you and what you can achieve. I love my students, whom I learn from daily. I love my friends and family. I am overflowing with love. I also find that even when I don’t feel loved, when I love others and see myself as a person who gives love, I reflect the identity I want to have.
5. The people you surround yourself with matter.
Your mindset skews how you see the world. When you surround yourself with people who lift you and the group you are part of, you are more likely to enjoy being in that setting. The same is true when you surround yourself with negative people. Need proof?
Pretend you are at a nice corporate party. The buffet is full, the music is good, and the company is terrific.
You walk around thinking what a great party it is. Now, pretend you are done dancing, so you sit down next to a really negative person. You obviously didn’t know this person was negative, but the minute you sat down, the person started talking to you, and everything seemed negative. They tell you that the food is cold, the dance floor is too crowded, and the host hasn’t even bothered to say hi and thank you for coming. Suddenly, you aren’t having such a great time anymore. You notice the negative things the other person told you, plus more. After about 15 minutes, you decide to go home early because the party is no good.
Now, instead, pretend you sit down next to a positive person. They tell you that the steak is fantastic, the band is incredible, the host is taking the time to talk to each person at the party individually, and she is a few people away from your table. After this conversation, you love the party even more and stay until they politely ask you to leave because the party’s over. Which scenario would you prefer? Next time you are at an event with lots of people, pay attention to what they say. Both positive thoughts and comments and negative thoughts and comments are contagious. Griping is contagious.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
My favorite quote is one I tell my students all the time, “If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.” If you don’t believe in yourself, it doesn’t matter what dreams you have. To accomplish what I wanted for myself, my daughter, and my students and to have the impact I knew I was meant to have on this world, I knew I had to believe in myself to accomplish my scary dreams, like writing a book and teaching the world HOW to believe in themselves.
Is there a person in the world or in the US with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
I want to sit down with Mel Robbins. She has inspired me throughout this entire journey and motivates me to believe in myself when I can’t find the strength. Her ability to relate to people, tell it like it is, have difficult conversations, and provide insight that connects concepts in an applicable and life-changing way reminds me daily of how I want to help others.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
They can visit my website, wendizimmer.com or follow me on social media @wendikzimmer.
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Social Impact Authors: How & Why Wendi Zimmer Is Helping To Change Our World was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.