An Interview With Edward Sylvan
It will help to educate this population and also in a big way, it will help those who are like me in that I could not find any information that was helpful to me. I was insecurely attached most of my life and when I was in the pain of it, I had no way and no real information to help me. Everything I found did not address the anxious-avoidant attachment style. Now, there is this book to help anyone with attachment issues.
As part of my series about “authors who are making an important social impact”, I had the pleasure of interviewing Tracy Crossley.
Tracy Crossley is a Behavioral Relationship Expert with a BA and Masters in Psychology and is currently working towards her PhD. She is also an Author and Podcast Host, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy LIFE and relationship patterns. Tracy helps clients transform, impostor syndrome, insecure attachment, negative belief systems, breaking the cycle of narcissistic damage, destructive self-talk, and more. With a background in psychology, an innate emotional intuition, which draws from her own personal experience. Tracy shows her clients how to PERMANENTLY change the repetition of the unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled cycles personally and professionally.
Tracy’s popular weekly mental health podcast, Overcome Insecure Attachment offers listeners a different perspective when it comes to breaking the cycle of unhealthy behaviors that keep them stuck repeating pain-inducing actions on auto-pilot. The podcast addresses folks who want to deal with their emotional baggage and get unstuck, happy, and have a clear mindset.
Each Thursday at 9amPT/NoonET she also hosts a Facebook/Youtube Live on Overcoming Insecure Attachment.
Tracy has also seen success on social media platforms like TikTok where her video talking about “Do you actually like them or the idea of them” has garnered nearly 2 million views.
In book stores in the Fall 2021: Overcoming Insecure Attachment! 8 Proven Steps to Recognizing Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles and Building Healthier, Happier Relationships(Ulysses Press).
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in Southern California (moved here when I was two from Wisconsin). My mom was from Wisconsin and my dad was from Germany (he actually spent a brief amount of time in a concentration camp). As a kid, I was awkward, funny, highly sensitive, smart, somewhat a tomboy and a little entrepreneur. I always had to be the leader when it came to clubs or pretending we had a restaurant or selling candy to the kids in the neighborhood. I was also a bookworm, I read everything I could from the Peanuts, Nancy Drew to Sidney Sheldon; I was one of those kids who read books under the covers. One thing I had from a young age was an ability to listen to other people and solve their problems; I was like Dear Abby as a kid and clearly that carried through to adulthood.
When you were younger, was there a book that you read that inspired you to take action or changed your life? Can you share a story about that?
Years ago, when I was married for the first time, I was reading Anne Rice books and I remember wanting to escape. The vampires in her books had a sense of freedom and of course, the magnetism of their personalities kept me reading, but it also made me realize how lonely I was in my marriage. If I was reading a book with mythical creatures that seemingly encouraged me to want to escape my relationship, there was clearly something wrong. It was before I started reading more “self-help,” style books.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or take away did you learn from that?
I had my own business years ago that was a graphic design & marketing company. I had put out marketing letters and one was answered by the CEO of an animation studio. I ended up closing down my business to work with him and that was an interesting mistake. I had expectations that were not in alignment with reality, and I took things personally. My greatest lesson was to not have more skin in the game for a business that I do not own than the people who hired me. I had personalized the experience and had I been more neutral my entire experience would have produced different results.
Can you describe how you aim to make a significant social impact with your book?
Many people know that they are people pleasers or a perfectionist or tend to get stuck in dysfunctional relationships but have no idea that insecure attachment exists. It will give people not just a map, but also the “how-to” to make the changes which will allow them to establish a sense of confidence, well-being and happiness in their relationships and lives. It will help to educate this population and also in a big way, it will help those who are like me in that I could not find any information that was helpful to me. I was insecurely attached most of my life and when I was in the pain of it, I had no way and no real information to help me. Everything I found did not address the anxious-avoidant attachment style. Now, there is this book to help anyone with attachment issues.
Can you share with us the most interesting story that you shared in your book?
I shared a lot of examples of people in situations that are affected by insecure attachment. The only story that is a story in there is the one where I share about my own journey from living in my head and having dysfunctional relationships … then moving to emotionalizing, where I am able to be whole, happy and in love with my husband and my life. It was an entire paradigm shift. The most important takeaway is you only know what you know now about yourself…and as you uncover more perceptions that are on autopilot it gives you the opportunity to change your entire life.
What was the “aha moment” or series of events that made you decide to bring your message to the greater world? Can you share a story about that?
I really don’t know how to answer this…it took me years to finally settle on the book I wanted to write. For years people asked me to write it based on the articles I wrote, but it seemed daunting to gather them and organize (organization is not a skill I possess). It was a better choice to look at what my audience needed and to put out a foundational manual for people who have insecure attachment, perfectionism, people-pleasing and impostor syndrome traits. A book that will allow them to refer back at any point in time and pick up the tools that stop these toxic behaviors.
Without sharing specific names, can you tell us a story about a particular individual who was impacted or helped by your cause?
I have so many, I probably have thousands of people who have been impacted. I can state a couple of people on my team who went through coaching with me, both had been in attached relationships. One of them was married and looking to leave their marriage while being attached to someone outside of it. She ended up leaving her husband as she had wanted, marrying the guy and moving to a different state. The other one had been broken up with by the person she was attached to and they ended up back together and happier than ever!! I have people who have gone on to be happily married, engaged, living together and starting families. Many have also started businesses or had promotions at work too. Working on insecure attachment is life-altering where you finally feel in charge of your choices because you are not making them for other people.
Are there three things the community/society/politicians can do to help you address the root of the problem you are trying to solve?
Society or I should say the entertainment industry could become aware of the mixed messages put out there when it comes to relationships and the dynamics within them. All the examples live on the drama triangle as the rescuer, the victim and the persecutor. The unrealistic relationships on shows/movies/songs and how the media portrays people is not true. And so, it could be to teach or show more realistic portrayals of relationships and situations people find themselves in. I do not think this will change, since it is an industry and it needs the “drama to make money.” The news media really is focusing on keeping people from having any self-awareness, there is doom and gloom, persecution of “the other side,” whatever side it is and therefore people are missing the boat on living. If you are always observing drama, you may have emotional reactions to it, but you aren’t living your life. Critical thinking skills need to be taught…and lastly politicians — we need to look at why these people represent us who actually do not represent us in many cases. I think there are people who have more principles and the ability to actually create change and bring people together than those who divide. And how does this relate to me and my work…it’s that people need to believe enough in themselves and their abilities. They need to know they can have the life they want, but these distractions and emotional reactions to manufactured drama will keep them looking for a quick fix. It will keep them from moving on to a better life because it is a distraction.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
I define it as someone who has a vision that is for the greater good of whatever community/industry/group they belong to…someone who does not lose sight of being a tool for others to actualize through them. A leader is not someone who is egotistical or is in it for themselves, they are able to get people to work together toward a common achievable goal. This person can educate others in a way that invites people to continue to follow their lead. Leadership is the best usage of innate insight into the human condition and utilizing that knowledge for transformation. Leaders are here to transform others, society, their businesses or whatever it is that they forged a path stemming from their deep intrinsic motivation. A leader listens to others and is open-minded, never pushing an agenda that would go against his/her principles. A leader also knows they will not please everyone but must be fair and balanced, able to manage their emotions and be aware of how others will react.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why. Please share a story or example for each.
- Tenacity and stick-to-itiveness with not just the implementation of an idea, but not getting distracted by thinking there is something better. The only “better” is the internal growth and value that comes from tenacity/commitment is what matters both personally and professionally. In my business over the past almost 14 years there have been times I had wanted to throw the towel in or come up against major challenges and always had to get back in the saddle. This includes when I was beginning my coaching business and had lost everything; I ended up living at a friend’s house for a few months. I had to get back in the saddle.
- To know that it will take a while to really understand what you have to offer, in fact, the more you know yourself in my line of business the “easier” it gets. When I began, I was a love coach and did not know what that meant for myself. It took a while, but I found when I was writing my blog, for the elephant journal and Huffington Post that the issues I was overcoming were helping others. The more vulnerable and authentic I was the more people were attracted to my work, and I slowly got clear on what I was offering people and how I could help them. In a sense, it was to be a love coach…. a self-love expert.
- A lot of the time you don’t necessarily know what you are doing, and you build the plane while flying it. When I have had to learn new things for my work, it was learning the words, “I don’t know,” are actually the wisest way to see a path through.
- Challenges are inherent. Writing my book and overcoming the challenges in writing it to completion was something I accomplished which changed my life.
- Value is in building and maintaining a team. I had my ups and downs from hiring people over the years. I would definitely say that putting value into people makes a difference. Years ago, I hired someone based on what she casually told me at a party, I was needing a position filled…and what I came to discover was the business was no different between having this person on board and not. It took a lot of years to get my part in being an employer.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
Be Here Now-Ram Dass. It is a book title…but being emotionally present, living life in the moment rather than in the past or future has been a gamechanger. It allows me to have a different experience and find opportunities only exist here, right here.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Any of the sharks on Shark Tank.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
They can go to www.tracycrossley.com and check out my podcast, download a chapter of the book, join my free FB group or check out my programs set up to address the issues we cover in the book.
Social media:
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/TransformativeCoach/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tracylcrossley13/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TracyCrossley
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Social Impact Authors: How & Why Author Tracy Crossley Is Helping To Change Our World was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.