An Interview With Edward Sylvan
How do you Feel? Is a holistic guide that will help you work successfully with the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and whole self. And 50% of the royalties of my book will go to Shaw Mind, a mental health charity.
As part of my series about “authors who are making an important social impact”, I had the pleasure of interviewing Suki Bains.
By day, Suki Bains is a Director of Business Development at a cybersecurity firm. Her calling to write How Do You Feel happened two years ago when the pandemic hit, and her inner voice to write something which would help people understand their emotions got stronger.
Suki’s awareness to write this book started as a child, over 30 years ago. She discovered she could see, and feel a person’s hurt and pain, that they themselves could not Even at a young age, she couldn’t help but question why we live in a world that teaches us who to be on the outside but not how to work with our inside feelings. As she got older and navigated a high-flying London career with a busy social life and parties, like many of, ignored her spiritual side. Only after meeting her partner, aged 36, and having to confront her own personal life choices, did her urge become stronger to write a comprehensive guide to help people navigate their feelings.
Aged, 44, Suki lives in Almere near Amsterdam with her Dutch partner and his two children half of the time.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I started life in a busy household. I am a middle child with two older sisters and two younger brothers. My parents moved to the UK from India with my grandparents when they were only 6 years old. I am part of a large colorful extended family. My father has 7 siblings and my mother has 11. As a family, we loved celebrations and bringing people together and we used every opportunity to mark traditions — there was always food and drinks flowing. I would look forward to such gatherings but it would not always be seamless. There was always some emotional drama or conflict that would steer out of control and someone would argue or leave and this would disappoint me. I couldn’t understand why. I wanted everyone happy at the same time. But there were so many of us coming together from all ages and stages with different characters, emotions, thoughts, feelings and opinions. Because of this, and because my mother had to spend a lot of her time helping my blind brother (which I deeply understood and respected), and because of my middle child position I felt that my older and younger siblings naturally grouped together so I felt left out. I felt pushed away or left to my own devices and this made me feel lonely. This was a blessing in disguise. From a very early age, I learned how to work with loneliness. I would spend my alone time reading books or when I was really bored with nothing to do I would explore my inner world and discover the unseen parts of myself. I was fascinated with this inner world. When I snapped back into physical reality, I was always shocked. I saw adults telling me who to be, what to do, how things should be. But what about the other parts of me? The unseen parts of myself? The outside world felt misaligned to me. I never understood why they were only teaching me to work with my outer self.
So I found myself navigating two worlds. My inner world and the outer world. I would hear people’s opinions, judgments and beliefs pushed on to me and I started to reject them. I did not want to be conditioned to others’ way of thinking. This meant I didn’t fit into the conventional education system, nor fit into the ‘cool groups’ or even general social groups. But in time I learned to grow.
When you were younger, was there a book that you read that inspired you to take action or change your life? Can you share a story about that?
Each book I was given the choice to read inspired me and shaped me, and moved me to take action. Books were my best friend and gave me the time and space to explore my own mind and allowed me to be alone with myself. I found peace in my being when I settled into reading. When I was younger I was drawn or magical worlds that could take me to a new space. As I got older I was drawn to biographies. Stories of real-life people who overcame obstacles and used the power inside themselves to tap into their full potential and rise above the emotional pain. I still am fascinated with the power of the unseen. Anything that elevates my mind and body to a higher space and allows me to see life through a higher perspective or new lens.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or takeaway did you learn from that?
It is not the funniest story but was an interesting mistake that I learned from.
I started a new job in a corporate company as a global sales manager. It was very specific on training and had a strong view of what success looks like. In my initial training, I did not always understand or agree with what was being presented. For example, I was trained to follow a certain script for success but I wanted to leave space for a genuine two-way conversation with my clients so I could speak from a genuine place and not say what I was saying because I had been told to say it. At the time I did not speak up. Looking back I should have spoken up. I thought staying quiet and seeing it through would be the best choice. What I did not realize and can now see (especially after writing my book!) was that I was making myself smaller by staying quiet. I suppressed my own thoughts, emotions and feelings. By taking their training, I had started to act in ways that were not in alignment with myself. This created an internal struggle and led to an inauthentic version of myself, a version that I did not like or understand or want to be.
As I ignored my other emotions I started to experience other negative emotions and thoughts and they became came louder. I continued to ignore them and this impacted my mind and body and I started to feel exhausted.
A few months later (in my unhappy, struggling new role) my leadership changed and I was lucky to be placed with a charming intuitive leader who knew how to get the best out of me. He changed the structure and gave me the freedom and mental space to do my job in a way that served me authentically and in a way that served the business and clients. A few months later I was flying high and thriving in my new role. I was happy again.
My mind became clear and my body felt energized again. I was back to my true self inside and out. I found my power again. It was a huge life lesson and I promised never to make myself small again or ignore my own emotions and feelings, and thoughts through fear of not being successful just because another person says this is how it is meant to be. It was after this life lesson that I went on a journey and this led me to write my first book.
Can you describe how you aim to make a significant social impact with your book?
I have a personal goal to deliver this book into every family home worldwide. I want it to reach grandparents, parents, teenagers, family and extended families first, and then extend to friends, co-workers and communities, and societies. We are living in an era where there is a high level of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual, conflict, confusion and pain and there is no clear direction or guidance. So many people worldwide are stuck in a negative state such as fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hurt, hate. Many cannot find a way out or do not know where to escape. It leads to self-destructive behaviors, broken relationships, broken homes, mental health struggles, mental disorders, behavior disorders, addictions, and sadly even suicide.
How do you Feel? Is a holistic guide that will help you work successfully with the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and whole self. And 50% of the royalties of my book will go to Shaw Mind, a mental health charity.
Can you share with us the most interesting story that you shared in your book?
It would have to be the Dictionary of Emotions and Feelings. It is the heart and soul of the book. It allows the reader to see and understand why the mind and body will feel good, neutral, or bad. It helps the reader understand how emotions and feelings impact the mind and body. It helps the reader learn how to step inwards and see inside mind and body and help them work with emotions and feelings as friends and as messages and guides. I have used the dictionary of emotions and feelings myself over the last two years, and it has changed my life. Having the power to name and label how you feel inside of your mind and body is transformational.
What was the “aha moment” or series of events that made you decide to bring your message to the greater world? Can you share a story about that?
It was when I took a break from the high-speed corporate career that kept me so busy and gave me no time to be still. I had reached a successful position in my career and I was in a good place to continue up the ladder but something inside of me told me it was not the right move for me. My inner voice told me there is something bigger for me to do. That is when I made a big decision to resign even though I didn’t have a plan for anything else. I knew deep inside I was being led somewhere else. I did not understand what it was but I needed time and space to see what was calling me. As a consequence, I found love, and because I wasn’t tied down to a career I was able to move countries to Netherlands to be with my partner. I placed myself in a totally new environment. My partner has two beautiful children so I found myself in a new position as a partner and a mother figure to them. It was here that some of my own childhood wounds resurfaced.
Old emotional pain and emotions were triggered. And so I was led down a path to search inwards, listen to my voice within and start writing down everything that I knew. There was a sense of urgency to write my book. Then six months later the global pandemic struck and we were all mentally and emotionally challenged and suddenly I could see how my book could help so many people struggling in life. This is what made me want to bring the message to the greater world as soon as possible
Without sharing specific names, can you tell us a story about a particular individual who was impacted or helped by your cause?
I received so many after I published my book and it was so moving. One reader said she went through the emotions dictionary and “it is wonderful eye-opening, and very accurate.” She went on to tell me that my book is helping her shine a light on a lot of her life experiences that she had kept in the dark, and light on negative emotions and feelings. Someone else said the same part of the book (the dictionary of feelings) gave them an ‘aha moment.’
Another said it had instantly changed the way they think and another said it’s made them pause on every emotion to check if it’s an old emotion or a new one!
Are there three things the community/society/politicians can do to help you address the root of the problem you are trying to solve?
- Recognize the division and polarization. Ask yourselves: Is this helping mental health?
2. Recognize the mental and emotional war. How can we move through negative emotions?
3. Take steps to heal and unite, instead of adding on to more fear that impacts mental health.
I would like to say to communities and society, no matter how hard times are, try to lead your life with love instead of fear. Try to unite and do not divide during hard times. We are living in challenging times, it has never become more confusing than in this global pandemic. Our minds are in a constant state of fear and stress. The last two years have meant we cannot move freely, without restriction, or move into any spaces and places that gave us joy, peace, and rest. So let’s work together and not against one another no matter what your view, opinion, conclusion, or belief is. The way we are being right now with one another is not good for our mental health
I would like to say to politicians, make sure your words align with the whole truth. I see so many speaking words that do not always align with the full truth. If something does not feel right we can feel it We are all human beings therefore we all have a sense of when something is not right or does not feel right. So ask yourself, do your words align with your truth? Also, as there is so much fear and division, and polarization in the world at the moment. What steps can you take to help heal the divide that is impacting mental health? Are your words, choices, and decisions you helping us all mentally and emotionally or adding on to further fear, division, and polarisation?
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
A leader in my eyes is the following:
A guide, who provides clear direction and clear guidance to which way you need to move; A guide who helps remove any obstacles and clears any roadblocks; A guide who sees life from all perspectives and a higher perspective and makes decisions that has the best outcome for everyone. Not just to look good on the outside; A guide who is conscious and careful and helps us to make a difference instead of creating hate; A guide who can heal, and change and move forward with life and times and not create any further destruction; A guide who understands life and can see how precious life is; A Guide who Leads with Love and does not need fear to cause us all to react and act and move.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why. Please share a story or example for each.
- Trust myself: If I lose my way something inside of me will guide me. I have instincts, intuitions, emotions, feelings, triggers, mind, body, spirit. The power is inside of me.
- I am whole. I am more than you can see: There are more parts to me than others can see, Learn how to work successfully with those parts. No one else can know me as I know myself. No one else will ever experience life in my positions and my points of view so I need to learn to understand and see and connect with my whole self. If I see myself I will never feel unseen.
- Negative emotions are my friends: They are your protectors, messengers, and guide. They are here to guide you back to your true self. Listen to your negative emotions, do not push them away or struggle with them. Learn to work with them and not against them.
- My Triggers are my healers: When you received a trigger inside of you. It may hurt you but it is your sign to heal. Something inside of me is wounded and in pain. Allow yourself to heal what needs to heal on the inside. So you can evolve into a better person and human being.
- My past and present emotions will Mix: Your emotions and feelings will not always be created in the present moment, they can resurface from the past and be contaminated. By past events. Not all that you feel will be pure and in the present moment. Be aware of past and present. When they mix they can confuse the mind and body, and these mixed emotions can hold you back.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
´This time will soon pass´
This quote helps me to stay present, appreciate my loved ones, it helps me to gently let go of what no longer serves me, it helps me to lead my life with love and not fear. It helps me to let go of negative emotions and thoughts and feelings that can hold me back and keep me stuck. It helps me to see how precious and powerful my life is. It helps me to see life will not last forever. It helps me to see my life and be aware that it will move in moments and time. This helps me to be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually full into the moment. It helps me to see what is important in life.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Arianne Huffington, Oprah Winfrey, Prince Harry, Paris Jackson or De Carian Jordon!
You have all experienced mental and emotional pain in your lives. You support mental health charities and some of you have even created your own! I would be honored to meet you!
You don’t have to be famous though. If anyone else reading this interview understands what I am trying to achieve and understands my words and can help me make a change. I would like to unite with you too. If you have a large following I would like to offer you a copy of my book and in return, I would like you to help me deliver this book to 1 million readers and into 1 million family homes worldwide. Can you help me?
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I have created two social media pages for now.
How do you Feel? (Instagram) Custom Url: https://www.instagram.com/how.do.youfeel/?hl=en
How do you Feel? (Facebook)
There is so much more content I want to share. My readers have questions so I would like to share more when the time is right. So, please stay connected with me. More work is on the way!
This was very meaningful; thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Social Impact Authors: How & Why Author Suki Bains Is Helping To Change Our World was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.