Raising Resilient Kids: Tamra Church Of Talk it Out NC On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Learn self-regulation skills. These wellness skills help you to stay regulated, even when stressed, and can also be used to co-regulate with your children to teach them how to regulate their nervous system so everyone can be their best selves.
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Tamra Jo Church.
Tamra Jo Church, MAEd, MCHES® currently teaches at East Carolina University in the Department of Health Education and Promotion and is the Talk It Out Ambassador for Eastern NC. She serves as Board Chair/Executive Director for the Coastal Coalition for Substance Abuse Prevention (CCSAP), a five-county coalition in Eastern NC, and co-chairs the Jones County CCSAP Task Force. Ms. Church chairs the Jones County Resilience Collaborative to address adverse childhood experiences and build resiliency in her community and is a Certified Community Resiliency Model (CRM)® teacher.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
What makes me an authority is my decades of education, professional development, and work focused on creating positive childhood experiences and protective factors to delay the early initiation of substance use in youth, giving them the best chance of achieving their goals and dreams. This passion drives me to help parents and children across North Carolina access the tools they need to build resilience and thrive. I fulfill this mission in my role as an educator for Talk It Out NC, the North Carolina initiative to prevent underage drinking. In addition to earning a master’s degree and numerous professional certifications in trauma, resilience, and well-being, my most significant accomplishment has been raising a healthy and resilient child, who is now a thriving young adult.
Whether at work or home, I practice — and am certified to teach — what is known as the Community Resiliency Model (CRM)®. CRM is a biological model that teaches six easy-to-learn wellness skills to help regulate the nervous system, allowing for clearer thinking, more effective communication, and a balanced mind, body, and spirit.
I strongly believe that parents should have a basic understanding of adverse childhood experiences to know what to avoid, a full understanding of early attachment and ways to build positive childhood experiences to know what to do more of, and self-regulation skills — such as those taught in CRM — to manage their nervous systems and maintain composure through it all. Parents serve as role models for their children, so helping parents learn to regulate their own nervous systems and teach their children to do the same makes parenting much more enjoyable.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
“What else is true?” While it is a question, not a quote, it is something I learned to ask through the Community Resiliency Model (CRM)®. Part of the human experience is navigating a wide range of challenges, and asking “What else is true?” acknowledges the difficult situation while also making space to consider what else is positive or good. I ask myself this question almost daily when faced with challenges, helping me stay focused on the positive aspects of a situation rather than dwelling on the negative.
How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
Children are going to fail and experience disappointment, just as we do as adults. Every time we fail, it’s an opportunity to reflect and learn from that experience. It’s important to allow children the chance to experience failure in a safe environment while also knowing when to step in and offer help.
When your child faces failure and is managing disappointment, let them work through it. However, if your child becomes upset or shuts down, they need a nurturing adult to help them co-regulate or calm down and regulate their nervous system. This is important because when we are stressed, the cortex — or thinking part of the brain — goes offline, and the survival brain takes over with the sole purpose of keeping us safe. But it is the cortex that allows us to think clearly, problem-solve, communicate effectively, and manage our emotions. Therefore, it’s crucial to help your child “put the brakes” on their nervous system first, so they can regain access to their cortex and calm down to talk through what happened.
To co-regulate with a young child, first pick them up, hug them, and reassure them that they are okay. Physical touch helps the child’s brain realize they are safe, allowing the cortex to come back online. For older children and teens, you can use self-regulation skills like those taught in the Community Resiliency Model. Learning these self-regulation skills takes just a little time and practice, and they are easy for children to grasp. These skills involve engaging the five senses. This might include inviting your child to listen to or play music, dance, go for a walk, notice sounds inside or outside a room, count backward from twenty, or find five things in a room of a certain shape or color. I have seen a child in full-blown meltdown stop immediately to play “I Spy with My Little Eye.”
Once you help your child get regulated, you can talk with them about the failure or disappointment. You can ask questions like: What caused you to fail? Was it something within your control? Could you have done something differently to achieve a different outcome? What can you do to get the outcome you want?
Lastly, talk openly with your child about your own failures, how you manage disappointment, and healthy ways you cope with difficulties. Stress is reported as one of the main reasons for underage drinking; therefore, helping your child to better manage stress can help them to delay initiation of alcohol until they are of legal age giving them the best chance at reaching their goals and dreams.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children?
Children come into this world completely dependent on adults to not only care for them, but to teach them how to navigate the world, which includes learning how to interact with others and manage their emotions to be their best selves. It is important for parents to model resiliency because children learn how to respond to life’s challenges by watching how we handle challenging situations.
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
Fostering a growth mindset is about how we perceive challenges. It is about seeing challenges as opportunities to grow opposed to challenges to avoid. To develop a growth mindset, parents can help their children by reflecting on past mistakes, helping children learn why they failed, and if it was due to something that was out of their control or if they could have done something to reach a different outcome.
Parents can help their children develop a growth mindset by creating a structured environment, responding with kindness and compassion, and recognizing when their child needs help. Parents can help their children when they fail at something by first co-regulating with them, working with them to get to the place where they can think clearly, then encourage them to reflect on why they failed and help them make a plan to move forward. Having open and honest conversations around failures and disappointments and ways to overcome challenges will help to foster a growth mindset in children.
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
Throughout childhood, children need parents to be there for them, paying attention to them, knowing if something is wrong, even when they say everything is fine. Providing support for your child is what will allow them to learn how to overcome difficulties on their own.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
The recently published report by Dr. Vivek Murthy, the US Surgeon General, names parent stress as an ‘urgent public health issue,’ forcing us to no longer ignore the desperate need for parents to manage their stress. When in the moment and faced with a stressful situation, regulate your own nervous system first before helping your child. Notice when your nervous system is activated (e.g., racing heart, sweating, etc.) and apply a self-regulation skill to bring your cortex back online so you can think more clearly and respond opposed to react.
When thinking about a problem in your life, think about what else is true. What supports do you have, what has helped you in the past to get through something similar, or what has come out of the situation that is positive?
Take time to be in the present moment and weave in wellness skills, such as those taught in the Community Resiliency Model, throughout your day to widen your capacity to manage the day-to-day stressors. Anticipate when you might have a stressful situation and either avoid it, or plan for how you will manage the stress.
Make time for friends. If you do not have friends, try to make friends with other parents, neighbors, co-workers, or people in the community to act as a support system.
Lastly, laugh; laugh loudly and often. Laughing is just good for the soul!
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
1. Invest in your children. Take time to learn about child growth and development and social and emotional competence, so you know what to expect at every stage and age. Take time to talk to your children, learn about their interests, fears, goals, dreams, and aspirations. Children have a greater capacity to manage stressful life events when they know they have at least one supportive adult that cares about them and will keep them safe. Just one. Ask questions that require a response other than yes or no. Get them talking and talk often. Make sure your child knows you are there for them, no matter what. This includes taking time to talk to your child about the dangers of underage drinking.
2. Learn self-regulation skills. These wellness skills help you to stay regulated, even when stressed, and can also be used to co-regulate with your children to teach them how to regulate their nervous system so everyone can be their best selves.
3. Make time to spend with your children daily, or as often as possible. Whether intentional or not, many of our children are neglected, which the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention considers equally as damaging to the developing brain as child abuse. Talk with your children, play board games, read, cook, eat meals together, sing, dance, laugh, hike, bike, watch movies, etc. Include your children in everything you can.
4. Focus on the positive and uplift your child’s strengths. It is easy to always point out the negative, but with a little practice, it can become just as easy to point out the things your children are doing well, helping them to form a positive self-image and develop self-esteem.
5. Give yourself a break! You do not have to be perfect; just be the best parent you can be. You will make mistakes, and it is okay. Acknowledge your mistakes, apologize if needed, learn from it, and use it as a learning opportunity. Be kind to yourself; parenting can be as stressful as it is rewarding.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
Creating a safe, supportive, stable home environment is one of the best things we can do for our children. This starts with routine. We cannot ignore the importance of sleep. Parents can create bedtime routines so everyone in the house has a consistent bedtime that supports a restful night’s sleep. This might look like turning off all electronics three hours before bed, taking a bath or shower, and then reading with your child.
Morning routines are equally important, as they set the tone for the day. Take time in the morning to check in with your children. Are they not acting like their normal selves? Do they have a test that day? Is a project due they are nervous about? Maybe one of their friends is mad at them. Whatever the case, listen and help them to brainstorm ways to deal with the situation and manage the stress. Another good way to start the day is by saying or writing down positive affirmations with your child. Tell them something positive about themselves as they are leaving for school. Studies suggest doing this helps a child develop a sense of self-worth.
After school, ask questions about your child’s day. My favorite question for my son when he was a child was, “what was the funniest thing that happened at school today?” I learned so much about my son from just that one question. If your child has had something happen that day that was stressful, talk about it with them. You do not have to have all the answers, or even solve your child’s problems, it is just about listening, acknowledging your child’s feelings, and allowing them space to figure out how to resolve the issue, or ask for help.
At dinner, have your children help prepare the food, set the table, and clean up afterwards. Even the youngest children can help with something. After dinner, develop healthy evening routines that include all family members to build stronger connections. While you can watch tv with your children, playing a board game or card game, or going for an evening walk, bike ride, or swim, will allow you to form deeper connections with your children.
Lastly, with so much technology out there these days, it is important to pay attention to how much screen time you and your children are engaging in daily and attempt to replace that screen time with face-to-face time building relationships and investing in each other as a family.
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
Download and use the iChillapp.com to learn co-regulation/self-regulation skills at no charge. It is a resource that will walk you through the Community Resiliency Model (CRM)®. Participate in a Community Resiliency Model (CRM)® workshop, or learn about positive childhood experiences in the HOPE Framework and about protective factors in the Strengthening Families Protective Factors Framework. Visit Talk it Out NC to find information, resources, and conversation starters to Talk it Out about underage drinking.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Dr. Gabor Maté is a physician with a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development. He is also a renowned addiction expert and bestselling author of numerous books on childhood development, stress, addiction, and healing from trauma. I have followed Dr. Maté for years and would love to sit with him and learn about his journey through life.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Readers can follow my work at: talkitoutnc.org
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.
Raising Resilient Kids: Tamra Church Of Talk it Out NC On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.