Raising Resilient Kids: Benedetta Scardovi Of Belly Baby Birth On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Sit and play with them! Taking some time to pay undivided attention to your children and play with them is priceless. You will be surprised at the amazing conversations that can stem from simply playing a game! Be silly and goofy, start a dance party with them! Dance with them as if nobody was watching. Teach them how to let go, how to break free of self-conscious behaviors and it will be so much fun!
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Benedetta Scardovi.
Benedetta Scardovi is the owner of Belly Baby Birth. She has worked as a Lamaze-certified Childbirth Educator since 2017 and is a trained postpartum Doula. She has worked as an Adjunct Professor at NYU and a Lead Preschool teacher. She is a mother of three, aged 16, 14, and 11.
Benedetta has a passion for foreign languages and cultures and holds a Master’s Degree in Translation from the University of Bologna (Italy). She comes from a background of teaching and professional translation. She loves to travel and get to know different cultures. She speaks Italian, French, Spanish and English fluently.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
I grew up in a suburban area in the Northern part of Italy with my mom, dad and two older sisters. My childhood fit the “happy-family” mold from the outside. My parents were educated, hard workers and old-school (born in the ’30s and ‘40s). There was never much attention paid to feelings or psychology and their parenting style was nowhere near what we know today. We were well off, lived in a beautiful house on the hills, had a dog and could afford to take vacations. But of course, a happy façade often hides lots of painful, traumatic experiences nobody wants to talk about. When I was 23 years old I emigrated to New York City, looking for an escape from my small-town upbringing. Even though I crossed the ocean, some early childhood traumas followed me along. It was in the US that I decided to start a very painful work on myself through psychotherapy and I’m so glad I did!
My occupations have taught me a lot of strategies on nurturing emotional strength in children at all ages and stages. Emotional and mental health support for children can start as early as pregnancy. I teach a variety of childbirth classes that help parents build emotional strength within themselves, which will translate into a successful birthing and early parenthood experience. I advise on partner support, connecting with other parents, and building a strong support system.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
As an immigrant, when I first learned that I was pregnant I felt isolation and the lack of support was overwhelming. I felt unprepared to become a mother and a good parent. Finding a Lamaze Childbirth Educator and a Birth Doula was a turning point. It gave me the tools and knowledge to feel confident in my parenting journey. Becoming a mother made me passionate about becoming a Lamaze Educator and a Doula myself — to offer that same support and reassurance to others who might feel as lost and unsupported as I did. Dealing with my own personal issues through years of therapy was also essential and taught me how much one’s personal growth and mental stability can impact the wellbeing and resilience of one’s offspring. Children need guidance on how to not fear their emotions. A strong support system can aid them in navigating their struggles and gaining coping skills to face life’s challenges. Learning to have an outlet that serves as a release and expression for big emotions which can otherwise lead to harsh consequences later on in life.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
There is no one authority that can teach you how to raise resilient kids, instead one should listen to a variety of sources and learn from them sharing their perspective. I have a lot of experience working with children having taught in various settings from infants to undergrads for most of my life. As a Lamaze Childbirth Educator and Doula, I now have shifted my focus on teaching mothers to become resilient. Building confidence during and after pregnancy through helping them to see the strengths that come from childbirth. This encourages them to become stronger within themselves to then teach their kids these skills. Also, I have done a lot of research in psychology and parenting styles, and my own personal life experience made me a decent human being and a not-so-bad mother of three amazing human beings.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
In Italian we have a saying: “Mi piego ma non mi spezzo”, meaning: “I bend but I don’t break”. Just like bamboo, sometimes life hits us hard and we feel like giving up and cave in, but it is important to resist, adjust our stand and keep going. I was quite young when I lost my parents, my father passed away when I was 24 and my mother when I was 40 years old. I felt like I was definitely broken. Those were probably two of the most painful times in my life. But with a lot of work on myself and self-care, I managed to pull myself together. I was “bent” but not completely broken.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
As human beings, we each have our own baggage of lived experiences and sometimes unresolved issues. In my opinion, the first step in being a parent who can help their children face failure or disappointment, is to solve our own issues first. Learning to love ourselves unconditionally even with all our faults, being gentle to ourselves rather than placing blame or judgment will help us not only heal, but will make sure we can be a good safety net for our offspring. For me there was a learning curve: when I had my first child I still had to learn and process a lot of my own upbringing issues. I had done some therapy work on myself already but the “good” parenting books and the listening sessions with other parents hadn’t happened yet. Also, as we know, our own family of origin inevitably leaves an imprint that is hard to shrug off. So as a result, at the beginning, my child crying was a big trigger for me. I couldn’t deal with him being upset and most times I inevitably tried to make the crying stop without investigating much about what caused the tears. Back then, I still often used the palliative “It’s OK!” or worse yet, “Stop crying!” (mostly because his crying triggered a negative response in my mommy’s brain), not realizing how damaging such phrases could be. Only later in life did I learn how important it is to first validate our kids’ feelings when they manifest themselves. Recognize them, respect them, and therefore provide them with a safe space to express them.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
I strongly believe that actions speak louder than words. As parents, we can spend hours “lecturing” our children to no avail. Words go in one ear and out the other. In my experience, what is more efficient is showing them the way with facts though setting an example. Children are little sponges and it’s incredible how much they observe and subconsciously internalize our behaviors.
I always love to tell my children a story about my past that exemplifies resilience and strong-will. When I graduated high school, I enrolled at a very competitive College specializing in Translation and Interpretation in Italy. They had an admission test to make sure candidates had a high knowledge of the English language. I had travelled abroad extensively, and I thought my level of English was good, so I showed up to take the admission test without preparing at all. I failed miserably. I was bummed and my self-esteem felt compromised. I really wanted to study at that College but I had failed and I had to wait for a whole academic year to take the test again. Instead of caving in and giving in to negative destructive thoughts, I pulled myself together, attended a different university for a year and in the meantime, I started studying English with a tutor. The following year I took the test again and succeeded.
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
As an encouragement, I love to remind my kids that “We strive for progress, not perfection”. Instead of setting the bar too high and setting ourselves up for failure, we should work hard to achieve our goals and celebrate our efforts (even the tiny ones) to keep us going. It’s important to learn from our mistakes to get better and improve. With kids, we always want to reward the effort, not the result per se.
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
As parents we naturally tend to want to safeguard our children by trying to spare them the hardships life sometimes provides us with. It is hard to maintain a balance between protecting and “overprotecting” our kids. Nowadays, there is a tendency to shield young people so much that they inevitably collapse at the first difficulty they encounter in life. I’m such a Mama Bear, I’m guilty of this for sure! I find the book “The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt fascinating and scary at the same time. One of the concepts contained in his book that I agree with completely is the damaging effect of overprotecting kids. The author calls this tendency “safetyism.”. Dr. Haidt states that kids are antifragile by nature and they need to run some risks when playing in order to develop the ability to “handle, process, and get past frustrations, minor accidents, teasing, exclusion, perceived injustices, and normal conflicts without falling prey to hours or days of inner turmoil.” [page 73]. Unfortunately for the past few decades, there has been a tendency to overprotect children for the sake of keeping them safe. I agree with Dr. Haidt that overprotecting interferes with developing both a strong immune system, strength and self-reliance. As a consequence, there is a tendency for young people to become more fragile, anxious, and fearful as adults. I feel like we, as parents, should take a step back and work to stop helicopter parenting so our children would finally be forced to take some risks and function on their own and realize how much they are capable of. More unsupervised free play (not unsupervised screentime, mind you!) might just translate into more independent, responsible and resilient kids, with lower levels of anxiety and more self-confidence.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
The transition to parenthood is a very special and delicate time, physically and emotionally. A certain level of sacrifice is inevitably intertwined with the concept of being a parent, but I believe it is very important for parents to carve out some “me time” and not completely sacrifice their own needs. For some people it’s yoga, meditation, practicing sports, and being in nature. For me, it’s swimming laps. Whatever it is that rocks your boat, it is very important to have an escape valve that charges your batteries and helps you keep going.
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
1. Work on yourself first!
Working out our own issues is a very good start for raising children with resilience and emotional strength. By being emotionally solid individuals, we can first model good and healthy behavior. This allows us to be safe havens for our children’s needs without feeling overwhelmed and without them triggering our past hurt.
2. Communicate!
Good open communication is essential in any relationship, even more so when it comes to our children. Learning how to express our feelings and connect with our emotions is a fundamental step for emotional strength. As parents we can help our children by helping them express their emotions, validating them without judging or any desire to “fix” them. Sometimes, not coming to our kids’ rescue right away when they struggle but instead observing them and letting them “figure out a way” by themselves is the best gift we can give them.
3. Be a safe haven!
Emotional strength is directly linked to emotional safety. By making our children feel safe to express themselves, their doubts, their insecurities, we provide a safe non-judgmental space for them to be themselves and develop the emotional tools to face any adversity.
4. Sit and play with them!
Taking some time to pay undivided attention to your children and play with them is priceless. You will be surprised at the amazing conversations that can stem from simply playing a game! Be silly and goofy, start a dance party with them! Dance with them as if nobody was watching. Teach them how to let go, how to break free of self-conscious behaviors and it will be so much fun!
5. Travel the world!
I’m a strong believer that traveling is as beneficial as going through therapy. Everybody could benefit from both. Every summer, I have been traveling back to the country where I was born (Italy) with my children since they were 2-month-old. As much as it was hard to travel internationally with three children in tow, I noticed that every time we did, the children came back home so much more mature and self-reliant. The experience of traveling to a different country, getting to know a different culture, and getting out of their comfort zone, made them burn milestones quicker than if they hadn’t.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
My eternal daily struggle is against too much exposure to electronic devices for children. I would love to be able to go back to the time in which my children were younger and would spend hours on end playing with toys, dressing up for pretend play, making up games… within the years, unfortunately their exposure to screens increased and proportionally their curiosity and creativity started decreasing. Screens do not help with mindfulness nor emotional regulation. Sitting down on the floor with them playing a board game, or having a dance party and letting go, does. Unfortunately, these moments are a rarity in our family these days. Luckily, we still appreciate sitting together at the table for our meals (the rule is: no phones allowed while we eat) and usually, those are the moments when emotional loads get unloaded. We all start talking about how our day was and ask questions that trigger good conversations. We share stories, we laugh, and sometimes we cry. Probably because I’m Italian, but I associate food with nurturing and healing, both literally and spiritually. I also love to involve my kids in food preparation. I think it’s a great way to create a special bond, connection, and complicity. Cooking together definitely teaches them patience and perseverance, especially when things don’t turn out as expected!
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
Over the years I have used many resources, mostly books in my native language (Italian) and in English to work on myself first and then how to be a better parent. Among some of the parenting books I found most useful, there are:
- “Nurture Shock” by PO Bronson & Ashley Merryman
- “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- “The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt
- “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
I would have loved to meet Maria Montessori. She was so ahead of her times! She was one of the first women to become a medical doctor in Italy in the 19th century, when women had very little access to education, let alone Medical School! She specialized in psychiatry and pediatrics. She developed The Montessori Method, which is still widely used nowadays in many private and public schools worldwide. Her method of education places an emphasis on hands-on learning and developing real-life skills, while fostering children’s independence.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Website: www.bellybabybirth.com
Instagram: @bellybabybirth
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Raising Resilient Kids: Benedetta Scardovi Of Belly Baby Birth On Strategies for Nurturing… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.