Putting The United Back Into The United States: Author Phyllis Leavitt Of America in Therapy On The 5 Things That Each Of Us Can Do To Help Unite Our Polarized Society
An Interview With Jake Frankel
Learn how to listen to others the way we want to be heard and speak the way we want to be spoken to. Though none of us wants to be shouted down, put down, or assaulted, it is hard to remember not to be aggressive, avoidant or compliant when there is conflict. We automatically reach for our arsenal of defenses. But our defenses also evoke the defenses of others, conflict tends to escalate or someone overpowers everyone else. We forget that we all want the same things–love and belonging, safety and opportunity to thrive. As individuals, leaders, and as a nation, I believe we can and must learn and commit to non-violent communication and conflict resolution skills as a number one priority. These skills both help the over-empowered restrain themselves and help the under-empowered come forward and have a voice. We have to leave our weapons at the door to do this.
As part of our series about 5 Things That Each Of Us Can Do To Help Unite Our Polarized Society, I had the pleasure of interviewing Phyllis Leavitt.
Phyllis Leavitt has a master’s degree in psychology and counseling. She has treated children, families, couples, and individual adults for 34 years, and has worked extensively with abuse and dysfunctional family dynamics, their aftermath, and some of the most important elements for healing. Her latest book, America in Therapy: A New Approach to Hope and Healing for a Nation in Crisis, explores the roots of divisiveness and violence in America from a psychological point of view, with the goal of bringing the best of what heals relationships and restores us to connection and safety, into national conversation. Phyllis lives with her husband in Taos, NM and is now focusing on writing and speaking.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in suburban New Jersey with parents who had weathered the Great Depression and were focused on education, a fixed routine, and a clean linoleum floor. They never talked about feelings or emotional needs. Perhaps they were recovering from the horrors of World War II, and of course the whole field of psychology and early childhood conditioning was yet to be explored culturally. In any case, I had no language for the emotional realm that I nevertheless inhabited. Because I suffered early abuse, I was unconsciously focused on trying to feel safe in my body, which really meant feeling it as little as possible. So I learned to live in my thoughts. I loved school and I read tons of books, but no matter how much I “thought” about things, it was my heart that needed attention. Nothing I did could compensate for feeling unlovable and like a misfit, and from a very young age I believed that I would be alone forever. But I never talked about those things with anyone.
I did, however, through the Grace of whatever powers exist beyond the reach of reason, have occasional breakthrough experiences of overwhelming love and connection. The first one happened when I was 13. I wrote a poem, and in the process of writing, it was as if I got plugged into life itself, and the juice of that current shot through me. Until that moment I had no idea I had been only half alive. Writing became my place of worship. I “tried” to write poetry, sometimes reconnecting, often not, but the path was somehow laid out at that moment. I wanted to be a writer. I had no idea what I wanted to write about. I just wanted to experience that sense of connection and wholeness again and again.
I went to college where I stayed hidden in the library reading and writing papers, but what I was really trying to do was figure out the meaning of my life. I ended up in Arizona for a summer, and out in the Mohave Desert, once again I had incredible breakthrough moments of love and connection. In the world of people I still felt like a black sheep. I turned to spirituality, hoping to make a lasting connection to my inner self, joined a spiritual group and got married, but by the time I was in my mid-thirties with three small children, it was clear that I needed another way to heal. I went to therapy, left a very unhappy marriage, and became a therapist myself. And I never stopped writing– poetry, stories of pivotal moments in my life, and endless journals.
What or who inspired you to pursue your career? We’d love to hear the story.
The biggest inspiration to become a writer really came from the profound experience of writing itself, but a high school English teacher helped cement that when she told my parents that I had an unusual gift for writing. It was not just the praise, though that was big; it was that she saw me. She saw an essential part of me in a way I had not experienced, and it gave a “reality” to my existence and my sense of self that I think is, most often, only gotten by being seen in our essence by others. A few years later I had another teacher who encouraged me to publish several little children’s books I had written and illustrated (this was long before I had children). I didn’t end up pursuing that, but what I was beginning to learn was that writing was not only a direct route to connecting with myself, but it opened the door, quite unintentinally, to connecting with other people.
Going to therapy myself in my mid thirties was the start of my healing journey in earnest, in which I finally began to unravel the traumas of my early childhood. As a result, I wanted to help others navigate the muddy waters of their troubled emotional lives in all the ways that had not been available to me. I wanted to help people put words to all that had been wordless and therefore unintelligible, as it had been for me growing up. It was a natural part of my personal evolution that I became a psychotherapist, and over the years I got wonderful feedback from so many people that somehow I was able to put words to things they had felt but had never been able to formulate. My deepest pain transformed into the well-spring of my greatest purpose- to be of service, and eventually, my desire to help others heal and my love of writing, came together. I wrote two books about my own healing journey, “A Light in the Darkness” and “Into the Fire,” and my latest book, America in Therapy, is aimed at bringing that healing to our country
What are some of the most interesting or exciting projects you are working on now? How do you think that might help people?
My most interesting and exciting project right now is my new book, America in Therapy: A New Approach to Hope and Healing for a Nation in Crisis. In this book I bring the best healing insights and tools of psychotherapy I learned out of the confines of my individual office and into national conversation. I address escalating hatred, divisiveness and violence as the mental health issues they truly are (as opposed to what many of us have been conditioned to believe– that they are ideological and partisan issues), and I offer to our nation the same hope and healing we have found possible for individuals and families. I believe a focus on our individual and collective mental health is the big missing piece in national (and global) conversation, policy and practice. It is the surest and perhaps the only way we will get ourselves off the ledge of war — both civil war and threats of nuclear annihilation globally. Why? Very simply because people who are mentally healthy do not want to hurt others. They are not violent or hateful. They do their very best to be loving, kind, tolerant, cooperative, generous, open-minded, and committed to nonviolence.
In all my years as a client myself and as a therapist for hundreds of people, I have learned that healing our own wounds inevitably helps us become more loving, safe people. A nation is a collection of individuals. If, as individuals, we can learn to break the cycles of abuse and neglect and be restored to safe, loving connection (or separate peacefully), I believe we can do this as larger groups– as races, genders, economic and religious groups, and as a nation. And there is no better time to devote ourselves to this than now. I believe many more of us want love and peace in our lives than want hatred and war. I believe people are hungry for a message about overcoming divisiveness and partisanship and may not understand that the most unexplored avenue to peace is the one found through healing our hurting hearts and minds.
None of us can achieve success without some help along the way. Was there a particular person who you feel gave you the most help or encouragement to be who you are today? Can you share a story about that?
There isn’t just one person who fits that bill for me, but here I will talk about the writing coach I found for my current book. From my first conversation with her all the way through the writing, editing, and publishing process, she saw my vision for my book and beyond. I had 120,000 words already written, and she suggested on day one that I would probably need to start over from scratch. “No freaking way!” I thought. But as I opened to her direction (she was after all my coach!), that is exactly what I ended up doing, and I believe I have a better book as a result. She kept a steady, positive attitude, even when I felt lost and overwhelmed with the enormity of what I had taken on. She had one refrain that I called on over and over again and still do, and that was this– “When you feel lost, go back to your “WHY.” Why are you doing this? What passion drives this book? What is your message that you believe in and why do you want to share it? Reconnect to your deepest motivation. We have finished our work together for now, but I still turn to this one piece of advice again and again. It has become my rudder, my map, and my compass.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or take away did you learn from that?
Maybe this. It’s not a funny one but it is a big life lesson. I’ve heard many people say this and it has been true for me as well. The biggest mistake I have ever made in my life is putting off doing what I love the most. Why do I avoid the things that feed me, like my creativity, exercise, reaching out when I feel stuck? There are probably many reasons why I have done this with writing, but the biggest one, which can still pop up after all these years, is that I’m afraid nothing will happen, I won’t connect, or that what I write will not matter. But the revelation of the obvious is that nothing worthwhile will get written if I don’t sit down to write. And what that has morphed into is this– that slowly I am learning to move away from resistance and toward what I love. It’s a different kind of motivation– like feeling called to the light instead of running from the dark.
Is there a particular book that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
I cannot think of one particular book, but I will share with you that when I was young, before I did any healing work or even knew what I was trying to heal, I was drawn to read one autobiography after another about people who had overcome great odds, often childhood trauma, and salvaged their lives from what could have been their ruin. I loved these stories. They gave me hope. They inspired me. They kept a spark alive in me that I wasn’t fully aware needed to be fed. My unconscious led me to find these authors and I have so much gratitude for their courage in telling their difficult tales. I continue to love true stories of redemption to this day, and I know now, from all my own inner work and all the work I have done with hundreds of people, that sharing our stories of hope and healing is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other.
Can you share your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Why does that resonate with you so much? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
When I was in my early twenties a friend of mine went to India to find his guru, and when he came back, he told that he was traveling by train though the countryside, and so much dust got behind his contact lenses that by the time he reached the guru, he was in excruciating pain. His spiritual questions disappeared and all he could ask about was how to find relief. The guru told him not to fight the pain, but to lean into it. Resisting, the guru said, will make it worse. It seemed counterintuitive, because it is so automatic to resist pain, to fight it, as if that will make it go away. I never forgot that story. Some part of me must have known I needed that tool because his words would come back to me at many of the most difficult moments of my life, and, strange as it may sound, the act of surrender (the best I can manage it), actually helps ease the pain because it puts me back in the driver’s seat. Surrender for me in an active stance in the face of what seems overwhelming or unconquerable. It is not passivity or resignation. I have found that by embracing pain, I am able to open the door to love, the ultimate healer.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
When I was in graduate school for psychology, I did an internship with a therapist who was an expert in child therapy. We met weekly to go over questions I had about the work I was doing with various children. One half of her leadership with me was that she was so knowledgeable that she gave excellent feedback and suggestions. The other half was that she affirmed my skills. She didn’t make me feel dependent on her, less than, or like I had a long way to go before I would be good enough. I left our sessions both having learned something new AND feeling recognized for the abilities I brought to the table. She knew more than I did about child therapy, of course, but she also treated me as an equal, as someone who she wanted to see thrive and succeed, and she showed that not only by mentoring me but also referring clients to me. This is what I believe true leadership is about– leading people to the very best and most successful versions of themselves, in community and cooperation with others, whatever the setting may be– family, business, politics, education, religion, etc. Great leaders lead others to their own greatness. They know we each have something to offer and they have a strong enough sense of self that they are not threatened by other’s abilities and successes; they are good team builders and can delegate and celebrate other’s accomplishments.
In this world where so many people are hurt by those who hold onto power, those who think they know best for everyone, who don’t lead but want to control, I believe we are desperate for more leaders like my internship supervisor. She held the back of my bike only as long as it took for me to ride on my own. I went on to be an intern in the sexual abuse treatment program I later co-directed, and my colleagues there were some of the best “leaders” I ever met. We collaborated, we were a team, and all the ways we supported each other to thrive and succeed became the foundation of the work we did with our clients.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. The polarization in our country has become so extreme that families have been torn apart. Erstwhile close friends have not spoken to each other because of strong partisan differences. This is likely a huge topic, but briefly, can you share your view on how this evolved to the boiling point that it’s at now?
Most likely there is probably a perfect storm of influences that have torn families and friends apart, but I believe one of the biggest factors contributing to extreme polarization, and the animosity and violence it fuels, is the overall deterioration of safe, loving bonds between people. This is a sign of decline in our collective mental health at both the family and national level. When people are raised in an environment that is safe, loving and welcoming, where they feel valued and supported, and where they learn to navigate conflict and disagreement without violence and with the goal of resolving it, they can better tolerate the distress of differing opinions because the bond of love and care is more powerful than the need to force others to a certain point of view. Mentally healthy people are better able to tolerate disagreement, stay at the table to work things, and commit to resolution and reconnection whenever possible.
I can tell you horror stories that many clients have shared about the abuse, neglect, deprivation, and abandonment they suffered growing up. I believe what we need to understand is that dysfunction, abuse and neglect break the bonds of caring and safety and they also are a product of those bonds having been broken. It is in our families that we first learn (or don’t learn) what it means to bond to others and be bonded to. The stronger the bond of love and safe connection, the more tolerant and kind we tend to be, and the less likely we are to overpower or hurt other people. The weaker the bond, the less likely we are to care about our impact, and the easier it is to dominate and hurt others with no remorse.
There are many factors converging today that have weakened our bonding to one another overall — economic stress on parents that also leaves many children without the love and attention they need, an over focus on consumerism, wealth and possession, sex, appearance, and power, rather than on the value of relationship. There is also growing social isolation and a diminished sense of community and belonging (exacerbated by COVID), as well as hateful and angry influences from social media and the news, to name a few. And when we add to that, that we have policy and practice at a governmental level that targets certain populations for abuse and neglect, justifies it and blames its victims for both the abuse and their symptoms, we are intensifying and perpetuating broken bonds of love, care and belonging on a national level. This is part of the tidal wave of mental-unwellness that is sweeping through our country and through many homes that are already suffering from insufficient love and belonging to begin with. Broken bonds of love and care are the fertile soil in which divisiveness, blame and shame, hatred and intolerance, grow, and these destructive dynamics are then what many people identify with and bond to. They bond to a party or a fixed set of ideas, and less to each other.
The beauty of introducing psychology to national conversation with its focus on creating healthy family systems, is that psychology is non-partisan. If it has an agenda, it is to help us heal the wounds we have suffered from broken or dysfunctional bonds, and restore us to safe, loving communication and connection with ourselves and each other. If we really want to understand what has driven divisiveness to the boiling point, we have to understand the dysfunctional/abusive family dynamics on both the individual and the national level that fuel this fire, and implement the best tools we have to help people listen to one another deeply and reconnect.
I have no pretensions about bridging the divide between politicians, or between partisan media outlets. But I’d love to discuss the divide that is occurring between families, co-workers, and friends. Do you feel comfortable sharing a story from your experience about how family or friends have become a bit alienated because of the partisan atmosphere?
I know many people who suffer alienation from family members and friends because of vastly differing political views. In my family, different life experiences, exposure to conflicting media sources, and the influence of others have at times resulted in great divides about how we understand the issues and what we think the solutions might be. Early on, when politics heated up around the 2016 election, we couldn’t help trying to convince each other of our way of thinking. Like many people, we had some intense conversations, yet none of us walked away changed in our way of thinking. The biggest takeaway was that we felt off kilter with one another, and it didn’t feel good. Without anyone saying it, we all seemed to decide that our love for each other was and is the number one sacred value and our various opinions and party affiliations are not something we want to become angry and alienated over. We have decided, for the most part, to love each other for who we are and let who we are as individuals, spouses, parents and relatives, speak for itself. I believe we have decided that we won’t let our differences divide us.
This is not always easy. For me, the future of our country and the viability of life on this planet are at stake. I deeply believe that if we don’t find our way, as Americans and as global citizens, to commit to non-violence and peace, we may be doomed to another world war and a possible mass extinction. But without maintaining loving kindness, I don’t see that there is a position or an argument that will bring us together. The question for me becomes– how do I hold to my values and beliefs, speak them when it is appropriate for me, and still care for those who don’t share them? How can I be a powerful advocate for what I believe in and stay non-violent and relational myself? Where is the best place for me to have my voice? I think these may be the big questions we are all being asked to face. While there are no easy answers, remaining loving and relational comes first for me, and I believe for my closest family members as well. I decided to write my current book, America in Therapy, in hopes of reaching any others who might be open to hear the healing perspective I have to offer. My book is actually a love offering.
In your opinion, what can be done to bridge the divide that has occurred in families? Can you please share a story or example?
My experience has shown me that it is NOT our differences of opinion that are the problem; the problem is how we handle ourselves when we disagree. The hostile divides many of us experience in our families (politically and otherwise) are made worse by feeling we have a right to impose our views on others rather than learn to meet each other where we are, listen deeply, build empathy, and agree to disagree if need be for the sake of maintaining love and connection with each other. Most of us have little or no experience with peaceful conflict resolution skills, with how to talk to others the way we want them to talk to us, and listen the way we want to be heard. We’ve been taught to win the argument, but so has the person we are arguing with. If winning is the goal, and ostracizing and even hurting those who don’t agree with us is justified, we will have more explosions of violence both within our families and outside them. Learning to handle conflict constructively with the intention to resolve it the best we can (or leave each other in peace if we can’t), is one of the hardest things for human beings to do, and one of the most urgently needed skills for our safety and survival. And we can learn how to do it! — imperfectly, of course, but the effort itself can be life-changing. The key, which is the subject of a whole other article, is that I learn to stop pointing the finger at you and focus on taking responsibility for my own behavior.
I say this as a very fallible human being myself. My husband and I love each other very much. Though we do our best to practice good communication, and we are basically kind people, we still have disagreements, of course, and we can still get angry and upset. Sometimes it takes everything I have to maintain eye contact, lower my voice, and stay in the conversation… and sometimes I don’t do it well. But remembering that I am 100% responsible for my own behavior helps bring me back to being the person I most want to be, which is that I will still speak my truth, but I will also do my best to listen, ask for what I need, hear what my husband has to say, agree to disagree if need be, and come back to love no matter what, because there is no argument worth losing relationship over. This has built trust. We know that we are both committed to resolution and reconnection. And what is so great is that when we do focus on our care for one another and drop the power struggle, we are so much more willing to hear the other person’s issue and give them what they want.
It isn’t our differences of opinion that are the problem; the problem is how we handle ourselves when we disagree.
How about the workplace, what can be done to bridge the partisan divide that has fractured relationships there? Can you please share a story or example?
I have to emphasize that the intensity of the present partisan divide– whether in our workplaces, our homes, communities or national institutions– is the tip of the iceberg of our failing human relations in general, of our declining mental health which has resulted in our declining ability or even desire to get along with one another. Mentally healthy people are not looking for a fight or trying to silence others. They are working toward some balance between the rights and needs of the individual and the common good. Partisanship in the workplace is fallout from the larger family and societal lack of understanding that we thrive best when we work together and commit to resolve our differences for everyone’s benefit. In groups and businesses where everyone has a sense of belonging, feels heard and appreciated, is treated equally and with respect, where people laugh together and share their pain, their struggles and their wins, I highly doubt you see those environments crippled by partisan hostility. When we know each other’s stories, we become human to each other and we know we are not essentially all that different, no matter what we have come to believe politically, religiously or otherwise. Finding the way to connect with each other on that very human level is the best insurance that partisanship will lose its grip. So the answer, if there is one, is to create an environment in the workplace where we are not just cogs in a wheel, where those in positions of leadership create community, connection, and structures for listening and working out the problems that will inevitably arise, together. And this is true for any family, group, business or institution.
It all comes back to the family. What I have found is that we take the relationship dynamics we have learned our families out into the world wherever we go. Someone who learned to survive by becoming aggressive and dominating is very likely to be aggressive and dominating in the workplace. Those who have survived by being submissive, pleasing, overly driven or passive aggressive are likely to be that way at work as well. The workplace is actually fertile ground for the repetition of the most unhealed, unconscious behaviors and reactions we have internalized growing up. And so one of the best things we can all do to help overcome partisanship causing strife in the workplace (or anywhere) is to heal our own wounds to love and belonging, to safety, equality and feeling valued, so that we embody in the workplace the healthiest approaches to disagreement and conflict.
Partisanship is not just a political issue. Extreme partisanship is the outgrowth of unquestioned beliefs in the entitlement of some and the unworthiness of others to hold sway, have a voice or receive fair treatment. It results in the impulse to suppress, take from, dominate and condemn those we judge as different, wrong or less deserving. The dictionary definition of partisanship includes synonyms like bias, prejudice, discrimination, favoritism, injustice, and inequity. When we address partisanship at this level, when we commit to heal our human relations, the force of political partisanship infiltrating the workplace and other places of community will naturally dissipate.
Speaking of partisanship in this way, I can tell you that countless clients over the years have come to therapy specifically because of feeling unjustly treated, discriminated against, not heard, or mentally and emotionally abused in the workplace because of their gender, age, race, party affiliation, or even for their expertise and accomplishments that were seen as a threat to their co-workers or superiors. One man I worked with had been at his job in a healthcare service industry for over twenty years and had a great reputation in the community. The company was suddenly bought by a large corporation. When he tried to share with his new boss the importance of understanding the cultural considerations he found necessary working with the diverse local populations they served, he was immediately let go. This was a tragedy for the employee himself and for all those he had served with such great sensitivity and respect. He was caught in an environment of partisanship, in which alternative voices are not valued or heard, and it only makes sense that a rabid political culture could take root and flourish there as well.
The answer lies in creating a culture in the workplace exactly like we want in our homes, a culture of cooperation, valuing of our differences rather than judging and silencing them, and tools to peacefully navigate conflict to a place of resolution.
I think one of the causes of our divide comes from the fact that many of us see a political affiliation as the primary way to self-identify. But of course, there are many other ways to self-identify. What do you think can be done to address this?
This is a great question. From my experience as a psychotherapist, I see that far too many people suffer from the effects of living in a human environment that does not value or include them for who they are and their unique contributions. We have created a culture that is highly competitive and judgmental. We compete to look good, get ahead financially, have the sexiest body and mate, and belong to the most IN group as a way to prove our worthiness. But if we got the message that we are already worthy and wanted just as we are, this kind of outward focus for a sense of identity would diminish.
In some ways, we are operating at an adolescent level. If there is one thing teenagers do well, it is form cliques and hierarchies, in and out groups, and compete to climb the ladder of belonging. It may be an inevitable developmental stage in our culture, but we are supposed to outgrow it with the help of role models of appropriate adult power that balance self and other. Many of us never get that and when we don’t, the focus stays on looking good, who you know, what you have, and how you imagine others perceive you. There is enormous pressure to belong to whoever is most popular, and in the process, those of us who do not come from a solid homelife (or community life) where we feel loved and valued, too often look for our identity by associating with and pleasing those in power. We didn’t have the family systems that supported us to grow out of adolescence and become adults with a developed sense of self that we then bring to the larger groups we participate in, rather than have our identity defined by those groups.
This is a mental health issue of great concern that comes back to the mental health– or lack of it– in our families and larger communities. There are too many things to list here that can help, but the gist is we need funding for any and all programs that help both children and adults socialize and feel wanted and included, experience the challenges and joys of working together for a common goal, and develop and be celebrated for our abilities and gifts, so that our sense of identity comes more and more from both our own fulfillment and from a genuine sense of belonging.
Much ink has been spilled about how social media companies and partisan media companies continue to make money off creating a split in our society. Sadly the cat is out of the bag and at least in the near term there is no turning back. Social media and partisan media have a vested interest in maintaining the divide, but as individuals none of us benefit by continuing this conflict. What can we do moving forward to not let social media divide us?
I love the statement– “as individuals none of us benefit by continuing this conflict.” In my practice, the vast majority of children I saw were suffering from conflict between their parents or caught in the middle of a nasty divorce. They were unable to cope well in an environment that was tense and explosive, and where their needs for safe belonging were forgotten or ignored. They developed symptoms– things like aggression, depression, fears and failure to make friends or do well in school. I see the same thing happening to many of us adults as we try to adapt to the extreme divisiveness, violence and threats of greater violence in America today, in which the actual real life needs of real people are not being addressed. Many are symptomatic as a result– feel powerless, angry, unable to partner, parent or hold a job, are addicted, become rigid and controlling or passive and easily controlled.
So for starters, we need to educate ourselves about the severity of the fallout from escalating conflict in the Family of America. It was not until the 2016 election that I ever had clients tell me they felt traumatized by the violent political climate in our country. This has not changed as we face another election. We need to know we are not powerless. We can educate ourselves about how we are actually being manipulated into fear and hatred of one another, and we can refuse to participate. We can stop reading the most inflammatory media and focus our energy and resources on people and organizations dedicated to bringing us together to look for solutions. We can call out destructive behaviors from a place of healing, not hatred, and we can share those messages on social media if we want to participate there. We can vote for those who seek resolution and togetherness. We can be the voices ourselves for the value of coming together in whatever way calls to us. And we can do everything in our power to practice this value in our own lives by staying connected to and caring for those we love and those we don’t necessarily love, because any effort we make to spread kindness and peace, no matter how small it may appear, makes a difference and very likely ripples out in ways we may never know.
What can we do moving forward to not let partisan media pundits divide us?
We can stop listening to those who profit from fanning the fire of divisiveness and who also refuse to cover those who are dedicated to bringing us together. But even more so, we can be the ones to help bridge the divides. We can stand for peace, unity and non-violence wherever we are. This can be especially scary in a social/political climate that seems hellbent on attacking anyone with an opposing point of view or who calls out injustice. But what if we listen to those who are talking about health and healing, sharing the loving, and all the constructive actions millions of people are taking to help others? What if we become the voices we want to hear? However any one of us can advocate for peaceful resolution of our differences and working across the aisle for the wellbeing of the Family of America, let’s do it! With our friends, on social media, in articles and books we write, calls to lawmakers, our votes, etc… If not us, who?
Ok, wonderful. Here is the main question of our interview. Can you please share your “5 Steps That Each Of Us Can Take To Proactively Help Unite Our Country”. Kindly share a story or example for each.
All of the 5 steps I have to offer are based on one idea– that the best thing we can do to help unite our country is to heal ourselves. My experience has shown me that when we have a chance to heal what has hurt us, we naturally become more open, peaceful, and cooperative, and we are naturally drawn to make the unique contribution to others that is ours to make. It might be that we are simply kinder to our pets, or we become more caring partners, parents and business associates, start a program for disadvantaged youth, or work to address world hunger. The scale of our efforts does not matter. We each have a way that our healed self wants to spread the healing that is needed. In all the years I have been a therapist, I have never seen anyone do the work of healing and become more violent, hateful or antisocial. Just the opposite. People who couldn’t even say the word love begin expressing love. Ragers stop raging. People who have been isolated begin making friends. Bosses become more appreciative of their employees and create a more cooperative work environment. The list is long. And of course none of us does it perfectly or all the time. We are human. But every effort makes an enormous difference for both the one doing the healing work and all those they interact with.
1. So the very first step is to understand that safe people make us safe, not weapons, and we can become those safe people. Weapons and our arsenals of psychological, ideological and political defenses will never make us safe. They actually feed war. Both individuals and groups become defensive and offensive when they either feel mistreated or if they are inappropriately over-empowered and they believe they have a right to whatever they want. One of the ways abusers in families and in nations keep us divided is to keep feeding our fear of each other, keep us believing that we have to get the better of each other in some way– by excluding and jailing people, discrediting, silencing, ostracizing or even attacking and killing them in order to be safe or get what we believe we need. We are being conditioned to keep growing our defenses rather than asking, ”How can I be safe for you, how can I help you, so that you can drop your defenses and we can coexist in peace?” And the very best way to do that is to heal our own wounds so that we don’t repeat them.
The story I want to share is one I saw in a news report about a man who was stealing food from a convenience store. The clerk called the police and the man was apprehended. The policeman asked him what was up, and the man told him he didn’t have food to feed his family. Instead of arresting him, the policeman connected the man to the social services that would help him get food allocated for people in need. The policeman was not operating from a world view of us-against-them. He saw an opportunity to bridge that great divide and he took it. We can all promote these kinds of behaviors, tell these stories and enter the lives of people suffering and in need as much as possible. The policeman was a safe person for someone in pain, and it is very likely that he helped the man stealing food to become a safe person as well. Every step away from us-vs.-them is a step toward unity in America.
2. The second step is to learn how to listen to others the way we want to be heard and speak the way we want to be spoken to. Though none of us wants to be shouted down, put down, or assaulted, it is hard to remember not to be aggressive, avoidant or compliant when there is conflict. We automatically reach for our arsenal of defenses. But our defenses also evoke the defenses of others, conflict tends to escalate or someone overpowers everyone else. We forget that we all want the same things–love and belonging, safety and opportunity to thrive. As individuals, leaders, and as a nation, I believe we can and must learn and commit to non-violent communication and conflict resolution skills as a number one priority. These skills both help the over-empowered restrain themselves and help the under-empowered come forward and have a voice. We have to leave our weapons at the door to do this.
My experience has shown me that relationships can be restored and renewed when we learn how to restrain our most automatic, unconscious reactions and enter another person’s world the way we want them to enter ours. Fighting is easier than building the bridge back to one another. Committing to resolve our differences takes conscious effort and perseverance, but learning how to reconnect in safety and peace is what will heal us, our families, and our country. We know this is possible because we see people heal and reconnect all the time in our psychotherapy work.
There is a non-profit group called Braver Angels that puts on Red/Blue Workshops all over the country to bridge the divide between people of opposing parties. There are hundreds of these groups that help people listen to one another in a space of safety and civility. Betsy Harwood, a participant, said, “I think that what we see here in this room is the true America. It’s a group of people who can get together and talk politely with each other and understand each other. It’s not what we see on the news or what we see on social media. That’s not the real America.” (NPR Illinois, November 3, 2020.)
3. The third step is to rework our relationship to power. Most of us have been brought up not questioning the Win/Lose paradigm of human relations. One person, one group, one idea is judged better and the other worse, right or wrong, and the effort then is to beat our opponents. This paradigm makes winning the goal, but as we have learned in the field of psychology, we may win the argument but we often lose the relationship. In today’s world, we can’t afford to lose more relatedness with one another. The Win/Lose paradigm fuels war. It relies on a Power-Over model of relationship. I’m right and you are wrong and I demand you see it my way, and I won’t stop until I have forced you to agree, or concede and obey. To win, we have to overpower the ones we want to beat. What could generate more divisiveness than this paradigm?
It is not the issues themselves but this Win/Lose model of human interaction that is tearing our families and our country apart.
Win/Win means we want to win the relationship, not necessarily the argument. Win/Win means we want everyone to come out feeling heard, resolved and connected, even if we don’t get all of what we want. So I would say– try it in your own life. Try having a discussion with another person about anything you disagree on (even politics), and watch how easy and automatic it is to try to overpower them, convince them of your rightness, while they do the same. Watch how you do it with not only your words, but your tone of voice, body posture, and your facial expressions. If you are anything like me when I am fired up, it sometimes feels nearly impossible to reach for the Win/Win. It may be one of the hardest things we will ever be asked to do– to speak our truth, stand up for what we believe in, and stay open and relational with the person we disagree with. But without that commitment we are actually creating war on all levels, personal and global. We can only create a Win/Win if we agree to share power: Your voice is as important as mine, you matter as much as I do. We are being asked to learn how to give up the power to force others to our will, but not our or their power or right to be heard. And my experience has been that once I drop the power struggle, the Win/Win, agreement and reconnection, are so much easier to reach.
Many years ago when I was living in Santa Fe, I had the good fortune to attend a talk by Craig Barnes who had been an international mediator. I have never forgotten what he shared. He said he always started the dialogue between warring parties by asking them to talk about their deepest pain– not their grievances or their anger. He helped them listen to each other as they shared their pain about the loved ones they had lost, their homes and sacred sites that had been destroyed. By entering a space where they were supported to listen to the others’ pain without rebuttal, they reached common ground– their shared humanity. This built empathy, and from there they had the best chance of exiting their power struggles and reaching resolution. They all wanted the same things- peace and safety for those they loved. I don’t think we here in America are any different. Can we give ourselves the gift of that kind of mediation?
4. Step four is understanding how much we depend on each other. We have been conditioned to believe that there is great value in being independent, that being a self-made person is a sign of success. But though we may be enterprising, inventive and hard workers, none of us can have the successes we enjoy without the millions of other people who pave our roads, manufacture our phones and computers, produce and deliver our food, etc. In fact, we are more dependent on greater numbers of people than ever before in human history. We are all dependent on each other to play our parts safely and with care in this massive human beehive we call civilization, and so I hope I will treat you well. I hope I never forget that you have hopes and dreams for yourself and those you love like I do, that you are more than your job, your gender, your skin color or religion. I hope I will remember that if I treat you badly, you may be the next distraught person to go on a shooting spree, and if I treat you the way I want to be treated, you will likely flourish and become your greatest self.
Believing we are independent as individuals and nations is an illusion and a sign of deteriorating mental health. If nothing else, we depend on people everywhere to keep our soil, air, and water viable, and we depend on people around the globe to not detonate Weapons of Mass Destruction. It is when we can’t admit and embrace our dependency on one another, that we become willing to let our differences divide us and compel us to overpower and even destroy those we believe we don’t need, which makes them more and more likely to become destructive and act out on us!
This is a quote from my book, America in Therapy, that speaks powerfully to this issue. “Surely, we’re not dependent on everyone, you might say, not every single grocer or orphan halfway around the world. But I would have to argue that the September 11, 2001, terrorist attack on America showed us, if nothing else, that it just might be that very individual who is finally fed up at not being taken care of by the collective, at being hated for his race or religion, who could suddenly become ripe to be swooped up by the next group of equally fed up cast-aways from our collective consideration. This individual may even then move to America, enroll in flight school, and only want to learn how to take off. It took so very few discontented individuals to turn a world of billions upside-down with 9/11. And out of that incident, which killed 2,996 people, including the nineteen terrorists, it is estimated that over 360,000 civilians were then killed in the subsequent “war on terror” launched by the Bush administration. We cannot afford to go on thinking that every single living being doesn’t matter to us all. We must find a new center of gravity, a new place from which to stand if we’re going to stand at all. We must become accountable for ourselves before the next bomb falls.”
5. Step five is to do something bigger than you thought you could do if you want to help unite our country. There is a saying I heard that went something like this: “If it isn’t difficult, it isn’t big enough.” When I decided to write America in Therapy, I had no idea just how big the project was that I was taking on. I just wanted to share what I had learned and be of some small service in a frightening world. I guess I thought I could just write my book and stay quietly secreted behind my desk. But that is not how it works! There were endless places along the way– writing, researching, getting coaching and editing, rewriting, navigating the completely foreign worlds of publishing, social media and public speaking– where I felt stuck, like I couldn’t go on.
Two things kept me going– my WHY kept calling to me, and I had made a commitment to myself that I could not abandon. Along the way, I have had great fulfillment in persevering. I have been pushed to think deeper and that has not stopped even though the book is written. I have been out in the world speaking in ways that were once inconceivable and I have met amazing people, AND I still have moments of utter overwhelm. But I have learned that wanting to contribute to bringing us together is only half of it. Writing the book and stumbling through one hoop after another are critical parts of my own healing. I have been pushed to grow in ways I could not have anticipated– to become stronger and more resilient, less afraid of what other people think of me, claim my voice, come even farther out of hiding, and face (again and again) my fears of failure and insignificance.
So don’t listen to the naysayers in your head or in the world around you. Listen to your WHY and take on something even bigger than you thought you could do. I believe you will be glad you did, because real service to others is also service to yourself.
Simply put, is there anything else we can do to ‘just be nicer to each other’?
There are so many things we can do. Bottom line is we can focus on treating all other people the way we want to be treated ourselves. I learned the Golden Rule in grammar school, but I didn’t understand how vitally important it would become to the survival of humanity until recently. We can be conscious of being more patient, compassionate, really listen when others are talking, reach out if it looks like someone is having a hard time, share our love, our time, and our resources more generously.
We can learn how to speak truth to power with love. Being nicer to each other doesn’t mean we can’t disagree or speak out about violence or injustice, whether it is in our country or in our own lives. But if we really want to be nicer to each other, we do it with a desire to create understanding, healing, and bridging our way back to one another.
That being said, sometimes stress and our unhealed wounds get in the way, and we find ourselves reactive and intolerant, unable to be kind or loving. And if this is your experience– it certainly has been mine– reach out. Let someone else be there for you, help you and be nice to you. Many of us suffer because we didn’t get that care from others when we most needed it and we don’t know how to ask for or receive it now. It feels vulnerable or weak, when in fact reaching out is a sign of strength. There is no shame whatsoever in asking a friend to be there for you or getting professional help, especially if you have suffered pain and trauma that keeps resurfacing in ways that are hurtful to you or others.
The surest way to become “nicer to each other” is to do our own healing work. This is the best insurance that we will not repeat the harm that has been done to us.
We are going through a rough period now. Are you optimistic that this issue can eventually be resolved? Can you explain?
I am cautiously optimistic. My optimism comes from my belief that people are intrinsically good, want to love and be loved and belong safely to others. No baby is born a bad person, a murderer, rapist or a tyrant. We become dangerous when we are treated badly, have no opportunity to heal, and are surrounded by people who themselves have been conditioned to be hateful and cruel. From my own inner work and all the work I have done with hundreds of others, I know healing is possible. I know the effects of the worst abuse can be reversed for many people. I know we can help each other find our way back to our essential selves. We have to want it badly enough, face our destructive impulses, and turn our collective pain into the motivation to restore ourselves to our humanity together.
If you could tell young people one thing about why they should consider making a positive impact on our society, like you, what would you tell them?
I would tell them to never forget that love and belonging are the best food for human beings. And when we are not fed good food we become symptomatic, and our symptoms are the terrible things we then do to ourselves and other people. I would tell them to never give up hope, that one person can make a difference, one person can help spread love and belonging, and we can all be that person.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Marianne Williamson. I believe she is a true advocate for the well being of all people. My experience of her is that she believes in equality, justice, and a fair economy, and has been fearless in standing up powerfully to corruption, greed and violence. She believes, as I do, in peace and love as our ultimate strength and hope for survival, and not as weaknesses, as so many of her rivals claim.
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This was very meaningful, and thank you so much for the time you spent on this interview. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Thank you so much for this wonderful opportunity to have my voice and share my thoughts.
Putting The United Back Into The United States: Author Phyllis Leavitt Of America in Therapy On The… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.