Parental Alienation: Shea Drefs of Custody X Change On What Parental Alienation is, And How We Can Mitigate it
An Interview With Nancy Landrum
…Be consistently there for your child: If you keep reaching out and expressing love, attempts at alienation by the other parent are less likely to work…
The bond between a parent and child is often seen as unbreakable, yet alienation can occur, leading to deep emotional and psychological challenges for both sides. What are the causes, effects, and pathways to healing this complex issue? In this series, we are talking to family therapists, counselors, authors, and anyone with personal or professional experience in understanding and addressing alienation between a parent and child. As a part of this series I had the pleasure of interviewing Shea Drefs.
For more than six years, Shea Drefs has led communications at Custody X Change, an online app for co-parents and family law professionals. As managing editor, she leads a team that helps people understand the details of child custody and collaborative parenting.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
I started my career in journalism and went on to do communications in investment banking, higher education and beyond. I’ve worked in the co-parenting space since 2018 and find it so rewarding to know I’m helping families move on to their next stage smoothly.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
Just before I came to the co-parenting world, I took a couple of years off from my communications career to teach English in Latin America. When I finished teaching, Custody X Change was looking for someone to write about co-parenting, and the fit was perfect. I spent my first couple of months with the company writing and researching from cafes in southern Mexico.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Who has been the inspiration or model for you? Can you share a story about that?
My first boss out of college was an inspiration. She was an Asian American woman working in an office dominated by white men, and she did not seem one bit intimidated by the imbalance. She often told me to remember that life is not only about work, and I appreciate that she taught me perspective from the start of my career.
Let’s now pivot to the main part of our interview. Let’s start with a basic definition so that we are all on the same page. How do you define parental alienation? How does it manifest?
When parents split up, it’s not uncommon for one to try to damage their child’s relationship with the other. If this causes the child to become estranged from the denigrated parent, it may be considered parental alienation. Some people use the term parental alienation syndrome, but this is not recognized as a disorder by major health organizations.
Alienation is a sensitive topic. Of course, we don’t want a child to be alienated from a loving parent — but, at the same time, no one wants a child to be forced to interact with a potentially dangerous parent. Courts have the difficult job of making sure neither occurs.
To be clear, protecting your child from their other parent’s truly worrisome behavior is not parental alienation. You should work with the legal system and police if you need to do this.
What are some of the primary factors that lead to parental alienation? Are there common patterns or triggers?
It’s caused by emotional issues between the parents, like anger, jealousy or competitiveness. Often, the parent doing the alienating wants to “win” their child’s affection or make the other parent suffer. It has been suggested that parents with behavioral issues like narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to be alienators.
How does parental alienation affect the child, the alienated parent, and even the parent causing the alienation?
It’s generally bad for everyone involved. Research shows that a child greatly benefits from having two parents in their life, as long as this is safe. And parents benefit from having each other to lean on and leaving animosity behind.
What are some warning signs or behaviors that might indicate parental alienation is occurring?
Common signs are your child saying negative things about you that don’t sound like them or your child suddenly becoming distant.
How do family courts or legal systems handle cases of parental alienation? Are there gaps in the system that exacerbate the problem?
To determine whether alienation is occurring, a judge usually orders a custody evaluation. If they’re convinced that alienation is at play, they might give the alienated parent sole or joint custody. The judge would probably arrange for that parent’s time with the child to increase slowly so the child could adjust. They may also order the alienated parent to attend therapy with the child. (And the other parent would probably need therapy as well.)
What are some proactive steps families can take to prevent alienation from developing, particularly during separations or divorces?
Parents should commit to respecting each other’s relationship with the child; they can even write this into their parenting plan. They should also work with a mediator so there’s a neutral party to help them stay calm and see each other’s perspectives.
This is the main question of our interview: Once alienation has occurred, what strategies or therapeutic approaches have you found most effective in rebuilding trust and connection? Can you please share your five things that can be done to mitigate parental alienation?
1. Be consistently there for your child: If you keep reaching out and expressing love, attempts at alienation by the other parent are less likely to work.
2. Talk to your co-parent as calmly as possible: Do this in writing so you have a record, plus time to think before you hit send. You might use a co-parenting app that monitors for hostile language.
3. Try a professional: You and your co-parent could go to a mediator, family counselor or parenting coordinator to work towards a resolution.
4. Go to court: Usually, resolving things without litigation is best for the parents and their child. But if this isn’t possible, you’ll need to turn to a family court.
5. Go to the police: If something drastic happens, like child abduction, you may have to get the police involved.
What role do therapists, counselors, or mediators play in mitigating parental alienation, and what skills or techniques are most essential?
They can help parents set aside anger, which is critical since alienation is due to a broken relationship between parents.
Therapists can also help the alienated parent and child come back together. However, family reunification therapy is controversial because it has forced some children to interact with unfit parents. Courts and parents have to be certain that reunification is what’s best for the child before they turn to this option.
Can you share a specific example or success story where parental alienation was addressed and the relationship was restored? What were the key factors in that success?
There are many!
For example, Ryan Thomas is an influencer who talks about his experience with parental alienation. He says he was able to rekindle his relationship with his dad for a few reasons: Ryan had become an independent adult, friends had challenged his perspective, and he had noticed his mom’s pattern of painting negative pictures of people in her life. Unfortunately, his relationship with his dad didn’t improve until he was in his 20s, which is common.
If you could change one thing in society, family law, or mental health systems to reduce the prevalence of parental alienation, what would it be and why?
Courts have done a wonderful job recently of encouraging parents to settle family cases and avoid trial. Strengthening this focus would help more parents learn to meet in the middle, which would go a long way toward reducing parental alienation. Legal proceedings often make parents feel the need to compete, which prompts some to try to get the child on their side.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would like to see more research and awareness about the many factors contributing to poor mental health. It would help with parental alienation and so many other issues plaguing modern-day societies.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quotes”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
When I was working from Colombia for several months, I overheard a man respond to a question about how his day was going. He said he was great and “trabajando, gracias a Dios” — or in English, “working, thanks be to God.” It was a national holiday, and this man was excited to be working! I made a sign for my office with that phrase so I always remember to be enthusiastic about the work I get to do.
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
As cliché as it may be, I’m available for lunch whenever you are, Oprah!
How can our readers follow your work online?
You can see our latest articles for parents and legal professionals at custodyxchange.com. That’s also where you can find our advice on proving parental alienation.
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: At 79 years young, Nancy guides couples to transformative relationship skills, specializing in strategies for stepfamilies to succeed. Nancy brings her MA in Spiritual Psychology, personal experience and research proven strategies to guide couples to healthy communication skills and relationship happiness. Nancy has contributed to multiple media outlets including Huffington Post, Psych Central, and Woman’s Day magazine, to name a few. Nancy coaches in person, on Zoom, in her online courses at www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com , on “Relationship Rehab” TV and Talk and has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married & Love It!” and “Stepping TwoGether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy’s goal is to lower the divorce rate globally.
Parental Alienation: Shea Drefs of Custody X Change On What Parental Alienation is, And How We Can… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.