An Interview With Nancy Landrum
Get help that is safe and supportive, even if you have to pay for it. Sometimes family or friends are free, but doesn’t feel safe and supportive.
Anxiety seems to be the dis-ease of our times. More people than ever are taking medications to help them cope with stress. Nearly everyone I talk to is consumed with anxious feelings that hijack any pleasure they could be getting from their lives. The pressure to “produce” combined with a perception of “not enough time,” combines to create anxiety, self-doubt, frustration and resentment. Resentment, then, is often taken out on your closest, most important relationships. As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Lucy Paradiso.
Lucy is the owner of Lucy Paradiso Doula LLC, Certified birth and postpartum doula, Certified Lactation Counselor, Evidence Based Birth Educator, Pharmacist and mother of six adult offspring, including twins. Lucy has established “Becoming Mother Together” an in person postpartum support series in her area to help new parents transition to their new unfamiliar role while creating bonds with other parents in the community and learning from professionals new skills to feel empowered. As a birth educator, birth doula and postpartum doula with lactation skills, her biggest goal is to help parents (mothers) navigate the birthing system while maintaining their authority over themselves, and have the tools they need to heal and become empowered.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
I’m honored to be asked to participate in this project. Looking back on my own births and mothering experiences, I came to birth work to support mothers. I had my 6 children within 13 years and was young by the current standards (26) when I had my first and advanced maternal age by the medical books (39) when I had my youngest. My professional degree is as a pharmacist, however I left the field to be at home full time after my twins were born and I had 5 children to care for at that time. I thought I’d return someday, but the home was a busy place really needing 100% of my time and energy. Deciding to have my youngest child and having middle school daughters needing support there was no better strategy.
I found my calling as a doula when my youngest was entering high school and empty nest was looming large in front of me. I wasn’t done contributing to the world and knew that mothers were my passion.
As a successful person in your field, have you or do you experience anxiety? And if so, how do you manage, reduce or eliminate anxiety so you can work efficiently and enjoy your non-work hours?
I had alot of anxiety due to the pressure to perform at a high level in pharmacy for sure. Adopting my new role as a birth worker has changed all of that for me. I feel a real sense of calm and confidence in this role and know that is one of the biggest benefits I can bring to my clients is a sense of assurance, that it will all be ok, that even though it’s very very difficult, and everything is new, it can also be improving and getting better.
I love to cook and knit alot. These creative pastimes as well as a yoga practice and swimming keep me able to refuel myself.
Have you gone through a period of time in your life where you felt as though you were drowning in anxiety? If so, please share your experience and what you perceive as the reasons.
As a young mother with many children, I had anxiety over safety that was profound. I didn’t understand anything about postpartum anxiety, or intrusive thoughts at the time, but that is what I’d describe I was experiencing at the time. Also I came from a family of origin where I did not learn to address psychological needs in a healthy way. Anger and alcohol were the tools I witnessed others use, so I chose anger. Unfortunately it was often directed at my partner because I had no other outlet. It was unusual in my area to have a large family, and I felt a lot of pressure to not appear overwhelmed in public or to neighborhood mothers, to deflect their snarky comments and act like I was fine. Having to keep it together alone really led to the feeling of drowning, more in overwhelm which led to stress and anxiety and then to anger. I had a feeling that someone must be to blame for not rescuing me.
What or whom did you lean on to help you cope with anxiety?
By the time my twins were born, bringing the family to 5 children we decided to hire a full time live-in nanny. Honestly, having hands to help was great, but more than anything, having someone who walked beside me, an adult companion, someone who saw and witnessed my work, my efforts to be the best mother, and kept me feeling grounded and calm. That is what saved me.
What lessons did you derive from that dark period of time, that serve you now?
Well, I suppose that is a big driver in my decision to go into birth and postpartum support. I know how valuable it is to mothers to have a support system in place. One where they can be honest, vulnerable and cared for as an individual, without judgement. A doula is outside your family cell, the degree of separation makes them a safe space, to observe, process and begin to heal from the intense experience of becoming this new version of yourself, that you did not know was coming.
Do you have days or circumstances that still cause excessive stress?
As a parent? Of course, because there is always a connection even to adult children, with regard to their well-being, and happiness. The big difference is now I have to cede control to them, and hope that the skills I gave them were sufficient. That they have a bigger toolbox than I did, I know that to be true, because as I developed better coping skills and strategies over their lifetime, they learned along with me.
What are your dependable “go to” strategies that you use to restore balance to your emotions?
Recognize, pause, reframe, respond. So when I’m feeling disregulated like in my mind or body, and I can identify it, I immediately hear myself call it what it is, “I feel stressed, or I feel annoyed” , pause and think why? Is it an automatic response, or is it logical based on what’s happening right now. Then from there I can respond appropriately instead of from a trauma response from the past. This has taken a LOT of practice, therapy, and work on my part, and it’s becoming more natural. At first when I started practicing this skill I was surprised how often I was responding from a visceral, and automatic place, and often erratically.
Please name five tips, practices, beliefs or affirmations that you recommend to anyone going through a highly stressful time.
1 . Get help that is safe and supportive, even if you have to pay for it. Sometimes family or friends are free, but doesn’t feel safe and supportive.
2 . Go outside everyday, even if it’s just a short walk.
3 . Don’t wait to ask for professional help if you need it, make the time for yourself.
4 . Eat well, and move your body every day, and drink WATER it makes a difference.
5 . Schedule regular sessions to openly, lovingly communicate your needs to your partner, and to hear theirs. When you cannot meet each others emotional needs, find a professional that can help you both feel heard and supported.
On a scale of one-ten, if 8–10 was your former, chronic level of anxiety, how would you score your usual level of anxiety today?
Three
Do you have daily practices that support you in maintaining peace, calmness or balance in your life?
Yoga, knitting, therapy, mindfulness and gratitude.
Was there any particular saying, person, or book that taught you the skills that enable you to escape or avoid the higher levels of anxiety that used to plague you?
Nonviolent Communication is a book I think all couples should read together!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with those who are reading this article. Are there also other ways you are sharing your wisdom?
As a doula, I get to stand in the spaces with people navigating new parenthood, and open real conversations, encouraging them to see their own needs as valid, to actively create support networks and communicate with their families.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂?
My own mother, when she was young and in the thick of having her children. I’d like to support her in a way I know she needed, but did not have access to, and I’d like to hear how she felt about being a mother and young wife.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
My postpartum group meetings are a part of my goal to create a safe space for support, learning and connection and friendship for new parents.
How can our readers follow your work online?
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: Nancy Landrum, MA, Relationship Coach, has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married and Love it” and “Stepping Twogether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy has been coaching couples and stepfamilies with transformative communication skills for over thirty years. Nancy is an engaging interviewer and powerful speaker. Nancy has contributed to The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Authority, Medium, Yahoo, MSN, Psych Central, Thrive, Woman’s Day magazine, and more. Nancy is the Founder of the only one of its kind online relationship solution, www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com. Nancy coaches couples across the globe in person and via Zoom. Nancy’s passion is to guide couples and families to happy lasting marriages where children thrive and lovers love for life.
Overcoming Anxiety: Doula Lucy Paradiso On Five
Effective Strategies for Mental Well-Being was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.