Melissa Bennett-Heinz Of Gestalt Therapy On How to Go Beyond Your Comfort Zone To Grow Both Personally and Professionally
An Interview with Maria Angelova
Set goals outside of your comfort zone and push yourself to be ambitious in a way that you challenge what feels comfortable. These goals should challenge you to try a new skill and take risks. By constantly pushing the boundaries of what you believe is possible, you can achieve remarkable growth.
It feels most comfortable to stick with what we are familiar with. But anyone who has achieved great success will tell you that true growth comes from pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. What are some ways that influential people have pushed themselves out of their comfort zone to grow both personally and professionally? As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Melissa Bennett-Heinz.
Melissa Bennett-Heinz obtained her master’s degree in clinical social work from Columbia University (Class of 2002) and is a graduate of Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy in New York City, NY. In addition to her background in Gestalt Therapy, she obtained her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from the esteemed conservatory, Manhattan School of Music, in New York City, where she majored in Oboe Performance. Melissa is a licensed clinical social worker and Gestalt psychotherapist in private practice and has over 20 years of specialized training and experience in the treatment of addiction, PTSD, sexual trauma, childhood abuse, chronic mental illness, and mood and anxiety disorders and primarily works with adult men and women in both individual and group settings with people who are highly educated and successful, C-Suite executives who appear to have it together and are “happy” but are stuck in old relational patterns, struggle with perfectionism, relationships, and codependency.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in a family of classical musicians, the youngest of four kids. I attended the Manhattan School of Music in New York City, intending to win a principal oboe position with a symphony orchestra. Just before my college graduation, my mother passed away suddenly. A year later, while pursuing my graduate degree at MSM, I lost a dear loved one to suicide, and my father died a short time later. I had struggled for many years with episodes of depression and anxiety, feeling quite isolated, and I carried a sense of deep shame. Just before the death of my mom, I began seeing a therapist for the first time. For 10 years, I tried working with several therapists with varied expertise and theoretical approaches (psychodynamic, CBT, DBT, eclectic), but they never seemed to help much. I wasn’t happier. Life wasn’t easier. I felt disconnected, lost, lonely, and filled with shame. I went through more than a decade of therapy and not much changed in my life. It was when I discovered Gestalt therapy that things shifted. I had completed graduate school and was working at my first job as a therapist in community mental health. My clinical supervisor at that time led me to Gestalt as it was through her eyes that she saw in me what turned out to be a beautiful fit for this particular type of therapy.
Alongside my love of music, helping others and being of service had been lifelong interests, so I pursued a second master’s degree in social work from Columbia University. Yet it wasn’t until I completed graduate school that I was introduced to the Gestalt method by my first clinical supervisor, who used the approach to guide the way she lived her life and our work together. That’s when I consider Gestalt Psychotherapy to have found me. I went on to complete the clinical fellowship program and certification at Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy in New York.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “There is one grand lie — that we are limited. The only limits we have are the limits we believe.” I have learned in growing my business and building the private practice I wanted to have, it can be as abundant as I want. I operated from many limiting beliefs taught by my family, healthcare system, and profession that simply weren’t true. Once I began to challenge my mindset, implement a new strategy, and have it succeed, I began to truly believe I was the only one who could set limits on me.
Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
One of my favorite books is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It is a powerful insight into living wholeheartedly, from a place of worth and being enough by teaching how to dissipate shame and embrace vulnerability. I adore a podcast with Tara Brach (who has a podcast of the same name) who is an internationally renowned meditation teacher and shares a weekly guided meditation and talk that blends Western psychology and Eastern spiritual practices that addresses the value of mindfulness meditation and self-compassion in relieving emotional suffering.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s start with a basic definition so that all of us are on the same page. What does “getting outside of your comfort zone” mean?
Getting out of your comfort zone means intentionally stepping beyond the boundaries of what is familiar and easy, routine, and perceived to be safe. It refers to pushing yourself to experience new and unfamiliar situations that challenge your current mindset, beliefs, capabilities, and various levels of comfort.
Can you help articulate a few reasons why it is important to get out of your comfort zone?
When you get out of your comfort zone, you expose yourself to opportunities for growth, learning, and personal development. It involves taking risks, facing fear, and embracing feeling uncomfortable to expand your horizons, discover new abilities, and broaden your perspective. When venturing out of your comfort zone, you potentially open yourself up to personal growth which allows you to stretch yourself, learn new skills, and develop resilience. In turn, this promotes self-confidence and boosts overall growth. Leaving your comfort zone often involves confronting fears and navigating unfamiliar landscapes. In doing so, you build courage and the ability to manage and overcome challenges. Continuously pushing your boundaries helps expand your comfort zone over time. It’s like riding a bike, first, it’s hard and scary but over time it is easier and eventually, second nature. Change is inevitable, and by regularly getting out of your comfort zone, you become more adept at embracing and adapting to change. This valuable skill prepares you to thrive in dynamic environments.
Is it possible to grow without leaving your comfort zone? Can you explain what you mean?
This is a good question and in my own experience, the answer is no. If everything you do is comfortable, easy, and safe, you never have to make any adjustments and changes, you are never challenged in how you’re operating, thinking, and feeling.
Can you share some anecdotes from your personal experience? Can you share a story about a time when you stepped out of your comfort zone and how it helped you grow? How does it feel to take those first difficult steps?
Being a classically trained musician, I have been taught to challenge my comfort zone from a young age and it has become almost second nature for me. I know this is not usual and how fortunate I am indeed. One of the biggest steps I took outside of my comfort zone was when I began to completely restructure my private practice business a few years ago. I transitioned from being an insurance-based business to private pay. This required me to make a lot of changes in how my business was operating which affected every single patient in my practice. I not only had to make the changes, but I also had to inform patients which impacted our relationship. As a therapist, it is my job to always be present in their experience and feelings while simultaneously paying attention (not reacting or responding) to my own and using them to inform my work. This was a time of fear and very high anxiety. Honestly, I was terrified. I had to do a lot of self-coaching, mindfulness meditation, and be willing to feel my fear, breath, and do it anyway. My business and life depended on me making these changes. It was so challenging and you know what, I got through it. My worst fears, in fact, none of my fears, came true. The more I talked about these changes, the easier it has become. I look back now and still feel so proud and amazed at what I did. I had to be willing to look at so much of what was informing my choices and do something that felt so wrong to my system. It wasn’t that it was wrong, it was just what I was programmed to do and the programming was off.
What are your “five ways to push past your comfort zone, to grow both personally and professionally”?
- Embrace new challenges by seeking opportunities that appear unfamiliar and may feel daunting. Taking on a new challenge can assist you in acquiring new skills and broaden your perspective.
- Step out of your normal routine by trying a new activity or implementing a different routine from which you are familiar This could include exploring a new hobby or engaging in an activity that frightens you. By doing this, you allow yourself to adapt to change and embrace the unknown.
- Seek constructive criticism and feedback. Set your fear aside and ask for feedback from colleagues, mentors, or friends. Constructive criticism can provide you with insights and help to identify areas for improvement. If you are willing to be open to feedback, you can grow both personally and professionally.
- Expand your network. Connect with other people who are diverse and can offer you a different experience and perspective. Attend events, join communities, and engage in conversation with different individuals so that you can broaden your horizons and challenge existing beliefs.
- Set goals outside of your comfort zone and push yourself to be ambitious in a way that you challenge what feels comfortable. These goals should challenge you to try a new skill and take risks. By constantly pushing the boundaries of what you believe is possible, you can achieve remarkable growth.
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that keep someone from pushing out of their comfort zone?
The most common barrier that keeps someone from pushing out of their comfort zone is fear of failure. Many people worry about making mistakes, being judged, and not meeting their own or other people’s expectations. This fear holds many people back from taking risks or trying new things. Two, people who lack confidence in themselves also face a barrier to pushing out of their comfort zone. A lack of confidence can make it very difficult to push past your comfort zone. When you doubt your ability or capability or feel uncertain about an outcome, it is very difficult to take on a new challenge. It is important to build confidence through self-reflection, and personal development, and acknowledge wins no matter how small they seem. Lastly, not being willing to challenge feeling uncomfortable. Human beings naturally gravitate towards what feels safe and known. This comfort prevents seeking new experiences and limits growth. The fear of leaving your comfort zone for the unknown keeps people stuck and hinders personal and professional development.
There is a well-known quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “Do something that scares you every day”. What exactly does this mean to you? Is there inherent value in doing something that pushes you out of your comfort zone, even if it does not relate to personal or professional growth? For example, if one is uncomfortable about walking alone at night should they purposely push themselves to do it often for the sake of going beyond their comfort zone? Can you please explain what you mean?
I love this quote and it is great advice to follow. However, I don’t think we need to take on everything that makes us feel uncomfortable. It is important to make wise choices around what discomfort we challenge. It may indeed be uncomfortable to walk outside at night and that discomfort may be something important to pay attention to especially when it is based on a realistic fear. It might not be safe to walk outside at night. Listen to your gut. Too many times in my work with patients, I hear, “I knew something was not right and I didn’t listen.” Trust your instincts and be discerning.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
I would love to inspire a movement of courage and bravery in relationships with one another in the world, a place designed to build a connection between people. I felt lonely and isolated for too many years, stuck in my fear, and shame, and entrenched in the hustle culture. I missed out on a lot of connection and joy. I hear so many people express feelings of loneliness, stress, and isolation and I wish I could introduce my patients to each other. What is missing and what has been accentuated with what technology has brought to our lives is connection. We have lost the ability to be present with each other. From sharing such a space or being with another person emerges the possibility of empathy, understanding, and connection — the opposite of loneliness and isolation. In this space, people would take the time to hear another’s story, see another human’s eyes, take in body language, notice facial gestures, and stay present in the moment, together. From experiences and connections such as these, people would begin to imagine and remember that while we each have different stories, we experience similar feelings, and, as a result, we would potentially diminish feelings of loneliness and isolation. We would return to a place of togetherness, a sense of community, a feeling that we are not alone, but rather, there is solidarity and unity.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
Oh, I would love for you to tag one of my idols, singer, songwriter, and performer, Mary Chapin Carpenter. She is someone I admire greatly not just for her music but because she lives a life of courage challenges her comfort zone continuously, and does so publicly. Now in her sixties, Mary Chapin Carpenter has challenged traditional female roles in her life and continues to be willing to be seen in a highly critical aspect of our society, the music industry. She has openly discussed pain, struggles, and challenges, and shows up with a genuine authenticity that is inspiring.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
Melissa Bennett-Heinz Of Gestalt Therapy On How to Go Beyond Your Comfort Zone To Grow Both… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.