Make a list of all the things you enjoyed before the marriage and start checking them off. Find a group of fun friends or just a friend and make plans. Do not sit around alone all the time! Get some hobbies! I spent the first two years of my separation playing tennis whenever I could! It was such a good stress relief!
As a part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” we had the pleasure of interviewing Kathryn Pirozzoli.
Kathryn Pirozzoli is a seasoned life coach who spends her days coaching humans to connect deeply to themselves, heal their trauma and be present to their joy and lives.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?
I am the second to youngest of five children! My dad was a minister and my mom, a social worker. I guess “helping people” was in the water I drank growing up! We moved every 18 months-2 years until settling back in Durham, NC when I was entering the 7th grade. I still consider Durham “home.”
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I hired my first therapist at age 16 and have been working on understanding myself better since then! At age 39 I was trying to decide about whether to stay in my marriage and a friend recommended a life coach she had used before. I knew within five minutes of that call with the coach that I was going to hire her. She helped me find my voice again and discover who I really am. After six months I asked her if she would train me because I wanted to help people just like her and this was the fastest, most effective way I had ever seen.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
Probably the most interesting is that I thought I would coach women going through divorce since that was my story, but it turns out, I have a real love and affinity for men and spend most of my days, coaching them!! I’ve coached ex NFL players, CEO’s, doctors, attorneys. I realized very quickly that when men learn to open their hearts and be vulnerable, the whole world changes! I do coach some of the most incredible and talented women, too. I just thought that women were going to be my total focus!
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
The first year I was coaching, an ex-husband of an old friend hired me. I always required payment before calls but after a few months, I did a call with him where I hadn’t received payment. He kept saying he was waiting on his bank card to come in so he could re-do his PayPal account. We did two unpaid calls before he ghosted me! I heard later that he was basically a con artist who gets wealthy ladies to fall in love with him and then bleeds them dry! I never do calls without payment today because of this dude!
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
My very favorite quote is, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” When it was time to start my business, I told my coach that I was scared to death I would be a failure. She replied to me and said, “No, you are terrified of what it will be like when you are a huge success!” And she was right! I was not expecting to create a business where I never advertise and where people refer me to all their loved ones. I have not had to worry about ‘getting business” since I started my business. This was more terrifying to me than failing because I have had plenty of failures in my life!!! But to learn how successful and big I could really be? Whew. That was terrifying!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes! I’ve been working on creating a program for people who have gotten engaged. It will be a 6-week group coaching program where couples can come and be asked the really hard questions about themselves, their feelings, and concerns about their partner and to ultimately make the best choice about whether the partnership has what it takes to withstand the toughness of marriage or not! Think pre-marital counseling meets marital boot camp!
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?
When I decided to leave my marriage ten years ago, I was in for a wild roller coaster ride! My coach told me that I wasn’t going to get to focus on “how bad my husband was,” but rather we were going to focus on all the ways he taught me who I was. She said, “Your ex is your greatest teacher. He showed up to show you all the parts of yourself you need to heal!” I learned that I chose men who were disconnected, detached, and uninterested in me. I learned that I knew exactly who I was going to marry before I did and when I realized all the red flags, I chose to marry him anyways because I didn’t want to “start over” or risk looking bad because who walks away from a wedding two months before? I learned to stop caring what people think of me and to be exactly who I am no matter where I am! I also learned how to have intense boundaries with my time, energy, and effort! I learned to LOVE ME!
In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
They date right away. They make every excuse in the book for not giving themselves time to heal and grow and they rush into a relationship to avoid their aloneness. Most of the relationships/marriages formed out of divorce end in another divorce. Not because the people suck but because we don’t spend any time getting to know who we really are and what we really want and so we’re choosing from an old operating system (trauma/childhood) and not a new and healed operating system (once you have done your emotional and inner work).
People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?
I believe that my divorce was the catalyst for me living the most authentic life I can imagine. I did everything humanly possible to stay in my marriage and at the end of the day, when I split from my ex and worked my stuff out with a professional, I was in the best place I’ve ever been in. I was truly happy, loved myself, felt confident as a single parent. I spent two years alone, doing my work and preparing myself for what was next. Ten years later, I am running my own successful coaching business; I’m in an enviable and loving 7-year partnership, I’m an incredible mom, and I have a small, close-knit group of people that I love and who love me! All of this wasn’t possible while I was living in a loveless, abusive, and toxic marriage.
Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?
I say first DO YOUR WORK! Allow someone to help you see all the patterns of potential trauma that led you to a bad marriage in the first place. Let yourself be single and alone for a good long time. Then, when it’s time to date, you will be ready to attract the best of what is out there. We can only attract to the level that we are emotionally. The people who say dating sucks are the people who have belief systems that need to be changed. I love men. When I was done with my coach, I still loved my ex-husband and had no resentment left. I was free. Dating was a blast. I met the love of my life and we have been doing life together for seven years. If I hadn’t healed my trauma before dating, I would have settled for the first man I dated, and it would have been an exact replica of my marriage!!!!! Instead, after four weeks, I realized who he was and how I felt, and I walked away! I also learned to ask THE most important question while dating. After a date, I would ask myself, “do I like this person enough to go on another date?” I NEVER asked myself “does he like me?!”
What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?
Their opinion about their ex. My coach told me that my ex was my greatest teacher, and I should thank him for all the lessons he taught me about myself! He helped bring me to a place of such deep pain that I was willing to look at it all and grow and change in every way! I still thank him because we share three boys, and they are learning life lessons about themselves from him all the time!
Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?
- Hire a professional to help you see who you are, who you were before you chose the marriage, during the marriage and who you want to be after the divorce.
- Do not date for the first year. No matter what. Just learn to be alone.
- Grieve the loss of the marriage. There is ALWAYS grief after divorce! Experience it, let it go through you and out of you, so you don’t carry it forward. My ex and I were separated for almost two years before our divorce because I needed insurance. I was already in a relationship by the time the divorce was final and the day I got notification; I grieved another two months. I find myself STILL grieving occasionally when my boys see things for the first time and I’m not there!
- Make peace with your ex. Inside. Find your part in the downfall of the marriage (we all have ‘our’ part!) Let go of resentment, anger and blame.
- Make a list of all the things you enjoyed before the marriage and start checking them off. Find a group of fun friends or just a friend and make plans. Do not sit around alone all the time! Get some hobbies! I spent the first two years of my separation playing tennis whenever I could! It was such a good stress relief!
The stress of a divorce takes a toll on both mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?
As I’ve stated over and over, hire a professional. Make time, energy, and money to do this because it will help the MOST in this process. We cannot see our own blind spots. Nor can we heal our own trauma alone. This must be done with someone you trust and to whom you are deeply connected.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
I love Glennon Doyle “Untamed,” anything by Brene Brown, “You Can Heal Your Life,” Louise Hay, or Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford.
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-).
I would inspire a movement of connection and awareness. I would teach them how to look deeply inside of themselves to open their hearts and connect to the best parts of themselves. Because when we are connected to this, it is very difficult to harm people, to be selfish and to pretend that no one else exists but us! We are a society that is SO self-focused. The era of selfies and reels and “look at me,” that we forget who is around us, we forget they might be going through things or want to be connected to. Awareness and connection solve this problem EVERY single time!
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-).
I would want to have brunch with Oprah. She has been influential in bringing extraordinarily vulnerable topics to the surface and discussing them; she continues to find cutting edge people to bring to the public to educate them on things like trauma, connection, self-love and giving. She is someone who has struggled publicly and maintained her own self and that is one of the most admirable qualities I see in famous people. I want to ask so many questions about her personal journey and struggle and I want to ask her how she has done it all!
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
Kathryn Pirozzoli On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.