I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: Amanda Craven of Not Just Coaching On Why So Many Of Us Are Feeling Unsatisfied & What We Can Do About It
An Interview With Drew Gerber
… Finally, sometimes we need to press pause and take stock. One of the tools I share with clients is a very simple ‘Gratitude Diary’. I ask them to choose a time of day or evening that works for them, for example just after the evening meal or just before bed. (It’s best to pair all new habits with something we already do every day so that it is more easily absorbed into our routine.)
They then sit down for 5 minutes with a diary, notebook or app where they write 3 things from that day that they are grateful for. Some clients who are in a bad place really struggle at first and need some suggestions. For example, we can be thankful for a blue sky or a rainbow, the scent of a flower of a smile from a stranger. Of course, it can also be bigger, more obvious things such as a lovely meal in a restaurant or a trip away but teaching ourselves to notice and appreciate the small pleasures in our life really does create huge shifts in how satisfied we feel.
From an objective standpoint, we are living in an unprecedented era of abundance. Yet so many of us are feeling unsatisfied. Why are we seemingly so insatiable? What is going on inside of us that is making us feel unsatisfied? What is the brain chemistry that makes us feel this way? Is our brain wired for endless insatiable consumption? What can we do about it? In this interview series, we are talking to credentialed experts such as psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, brain science experts, as well as spiritual and religious leaders, and mind-body-spirit coaches, to address why so many of us are feeling unsatisfied & what we can do about it.
As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Amanda Craven.
Amanda is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Life Coach and Author. She’s based in the UK and has a global client-base with clients currently in the US, Canada, Africa and mainland Europe. Amanda is passionate about helping people work through trauma, stress and low self-esteem to set new goals and live the life of their dreams.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to know how you got from “there to here.” Inspire us with your backstory!
Thank you for inviting me to talk to you today!
So, my ‘backstory’ is full of twists and turns as I’ve ‘re-invented’ myself several times in adulthood, but I’ll try to give you a quick overview…
In my 20’s I was driven to experience different cultures and didn’t have long-term life goals. I did use my goal-setting strategy to get a couple of dream jobs though! I worked in France for 6 years then got a job in international sales, literally flying all over the world.
In my 30’s I lost my 54-year-old Mum to cancer, set up my first business and started a family. My 40’s saw me selling my business to re-train in holistic therapies (later in hypnotherapy and life coaching), dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis and a very messy divorce. So far in my 50’s (I’m 54 now) I have completed a Master’s in Psychology, published 4 books and grown my Hypnotherapy and Life Coaching Practice online so I now serve clients across the globe!
What lessons would you share with yourself if you had the opportunity to meet your younger self?
I would definitely help my younger self to feel more worthy. Despite feeling very loved and confident at home, for some reason I always felt ‘less than’ everyone else in the world outside my family.
I’d also make sure I understood that money is not a bad thing, that in the right hands it can help make the world a better place! A strict Catholic education instilled in me the evils of money and I spent a long time avoiding anything to do with wealth and didn’t plan for the future financially at all. Now I regret that and am playing ‘catch up’ with some very clear money goals.
None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support they gave you to grow you from “there to here?” Can you share that story and why you are grateful for them?
My parents championed me from the sidelines and were always ready to celebrate my successes, so I am forever grateful to them. Despite that, I felt very ‘average’ for most of my life until I completed my Hypnotherapy diploma and was awarded the only Distinction in the class.
When my tutor handed me the certificate her knowing look and her inspiring words gave me a belief in myself I’d never had before. I suddenly understood that I could reach for the stars and deserved success just as much as anyone else.
That fire in my belly has never left me since and when I started my Master’s I set myself the goal of achieving another distinction. And I did graduate with another distinction!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?
I’ve just had my 4th book published — the P.O.W.E.R. TOOL FOR LIFE GOALS — and it’s my way of ‘bottling’ the science-backed 5 goal-setting steps I use in my own goals and that I share with my clients as part of their life-transformation process.
There are tons are free materials to accompany the book so my intention is that as many people as possible who can’t afford a life coach can still make changes to improve their lives. For those who need a bit of hand-holding there are also coaching club options as well as the opportunity to have 1–1 support, of course.
Ok, thank you for sharing your inspired life. Let’s now talk about feeling “unsatisfied”. In the Western world, humans typically have their shelter, food, and survival needs met. What has led to us feeling we aren’t enough and don’t have enough? What is the wiring? Or in other words, how has nature and nurture played into how humans (in an otherwise “safe and secure” environment) experience feeling less than, or a need to have more than what is needed for basic survival?
Firstly, I think it’s important to highlight that whilst it’s true that many people in the Western world have most basic needs met, there are some necessities — access to medical care comes to mind — that are far from being available to everyone in a timely or affordable way. These issues in the US are well documented, but even in the UK where I live, the world-renowned NHS that was created to provide free medical care to all is broken beyond repair and some patients are using their lifesavings to access private health care, rather than wait months (sometimes years) for free help. This creates incredible fears and anxieties around health and can drive primeval behaviors (including crime, workaholism, ruthless promotion-seeking) that belie the idea that inhabitants of Westernized countries are now just looking for the ‘cherry on the cake’.
Secondly, it’s true that, whatever ‘baseline’ we are born into — or whatever standard of living we achieve — we humans are hard-wired to stretch ourselves and constantly improve our life in some way. If this weren’t the case, we’d still be living in caves with only our hands as tools!
In terms of the nature/nurture debate, the drives to set self-improvement goals are essentially innate. The ‘rewards’ we get from striving for better include increases in self-esteem, surges in feel-good hormones, sense of purpose and potential, improved focus, resilience, and an all-round feeling of satisfaction. The opposite effects are true, therefore, if we choose to ignore those calls to action and live our life treading water.
Our environment may either enhance the drives to make changes or support the very human ability to override our instincts. For example, if our family of origin believes we should live off handouts and be provided for by the state we will likely not seek ways to improve our lot. If, however we are born into a family that is proactive, ambitious and believes in the power of setting and smashing goals — or if we are positively influenced by an external ‘mentor’ (like a teacher or coach) — then our natural desires to be better and have more will be nurtured and nourished.
The desire for ‘more’ doesn’t necessarily mean increased consumerism, although of course it can do. Recent research has shown there are definite trends towards valuing more quality time with loved ones rather than ‘more possessions’, and various studies have revealed that over a third of people in developed countries value time over money.
How are societies different? For example, capitalistic societies trade differently than communists. Developed nations trade differently than developing nations. In your opinion, how does society shape a human’s experience and feelings of satisfaction?
I think it’s really the cultural values imposed on or shared among (depending on the type of society we’re talking about) the population that can enhance or suppress the natural instinct to improve quality of life. Societies that have spirituality at their core (I’m thinking of Buddhist communities, for example) may channel those innate drives internally towards self-improvement and gratitude, thereby cultivating feelings of satisfaction in a completely non-materialistic way.
With a specific focus on brain function, how has the brain and its dominion over the body and beliefs been impacted by the societal construct?
The older, more primitive parts of the brain which drive us to meet our basic needs of eating, drinking, procreating and keeping safe (essentially the brain stem) are common to all animals.
Humans have a large, highly developed pre-frontal cortex (PFC) which is the part of the brain controlling executive functions. This is the part of the brain we use to create, innovate, plan, dream, define goals AND override our gut instincts as I mentioned in an earlier question.
The size and capability of our PFC is greater than any other living creature. According to psychologist and goal-setting expert Edwin Locke, setting goals and maximizing the potential of our PFC are essential to our overall wellbeing. [Edwin Locke & Gary Latham, Enhancing the Benefits and Overcoming the Pitfalls of Goal Setting, 2006]
In societies that suppress creativity and innovation in an attempt to keep the proletariat at a certain basic standard of living the PFC is greatly underused and human potential is severely restricted. We find some people who take risks in attempts to break the mold and undertake enterprises and projects to raise themselves and their lifestyle above the norm, but the majority will conform, thereby suppressing the innate capacity of their brain.
When we are not striving for improvement and goal setting we may suffer psychologically and physically. Consequences include reduced energy levels, lower self-esteem, lack of purpose and overall motivation, boredom, low mood or even depression. All these states have been proven to impact on our body and our physical health with the very real possibility of developing chronic illnesses.
Do you think the way our society markets and advertises goods and services, has affected people’s feelings of satisfaction? Can you explain what you mean?
Absolutely! Modern marketing and advertising are so cleverly executed and informed by psychological and neuroscience research that we are constantly receiving the message that we never have enough.
Products and services are presented to us in a way that taps into our emotions and connects these things to our potential wellbeing, success, and happiness. Mobile phones and cars are great examples as they are constantly being ‘improved’ and it’s that latest feature that will make our life easier, more joyful and complete. Until the next model comes to market in a few short months, that is!
I work in marketing so I’m very cognizant of this question. In your opinion, how do you think marketing professionals can be more responsible for how their advertising shapes humans’ health and experience of happiness overall?
I personally think that the real responsibilities lie with the producers of the products and services that marketing professionals are required to promote. The producers are responsible for working in the most ethical ways possible and for distributing profits fairly, for example.
I guess that marketers could be more discerning in their choice of clients and choose to work with industries and organizations with values that reflect their own — voting with their feet, so to speak!
For you personally, if you have all your basic needs met, do you feel you have enough in life?
Me?! Hmm, definitely not!! I am very driven and very passionate about a lot of things, so I always want to know more, to learn new things and to improve the way I work and help people.
As I said earlier, I’m now also driven to earn more money as I wasn’t bothered about it so much in my earlier adulthood and I am facing many situations (including my father’s failing health and a marriage breakdown) where I can see how money definitely gives you choices and makes life easier for you and your loved ones.
Okay, fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview: Can you share with our readers your “5 things we can each do to address the feeling of not having enough.” Please share a story or example for each.
All feelings and emotions are ‘calls to action’ and we need to get better at 1) giving ourselves permission to allow those states to be felt and 2) listening to and acting on that message.
That feeling of ‘not having enough’ can be about material things but can also be about non-tangibles like companionship, love, or connection with nature. The following tips will help readers drill down into those niggly feelings of lack and identify what they really want more of. Once we get specific it’s so much easier to do something about!
1) It’s vital to work out exactly what you feel is lacking. I always encourage my clients to trust and check in regularly with their gut feeling. If you have even a small feeling of dissatisfaction, then you are almost certainly missing something in your life.
Find a quiet space and around half-an-hour to yourself and run through all the different areas of your life. Sit with each of the following for a couple of minutes and note down what comes up for you in terms of feeling satisfied: career/business, family life, home/garden, personal relationships, wellbeing/fitness, your appearance, hobbies/pastimes, big purchases, finances, studies, travels, spirituality, community/volunteer work.
2) Another way to get the clarity you need to take the right action is to simply make lists of what you’re unhappy with then convert each ‘lack’ into a positive goal statement.
For example, you might write “I hate the way I look”, or “I never have enough money to do everything I want”.
You would then write “I’m going to start going to the gym and try some new styles of clothes” or “I’m going to set up a monthly budget and will start a side-hustle to earn more cash”.
3) I think it’s worth spending a bit of time on the topic of money here. When we believe we want more money it’s really not the wads of cash that we want so make sure you keep asking yourself ‘Why do I want more money?’, ‘What is the money for?’.
Of course, having more money than we need to survive, and having savings in the bank, definitely makes our life more comfortable and reduces stress. But, we can get ourselves into a trap of thinking we have to earn more and more money to live a better life. A client recently confided that she had been very career-driven in order to give her kids a better life but the higher she climbed the corporate ladder, the less family time she had. She also had the stress and expense of paying for more childcare, booked expensive holidays with loads of kids’ activities so she could still work remotely, missed sports days & school presentations and eventually burnt out. When she was forced to take a step back and reduce her hours and pay, she realized that they were actually better off. Her kids wanted to spend time with her and really weren’t bothered about losing the trappings of an expensive lifestyle.
So if you think you need more money to have better quality family time you might need to give yourself a reality check. This is why one of the five crucial steps in setting goals is getting clear on your reason for wanting something — if you understand that you may find another, easier, way of achieving your dream!
4) When you’re trying to make changes TAKE BABY STEPS. Break each step down into the smallest possible component, and I highly recommend aiming for 10-minute chunks where possible. This way you don’t become overwhelmed, you are still moving forward, and you have plenty of time to evaluate how it’s all going and tweak the process if necessary.
5) Finally, sometimes we need to press pause and take stock. One of the tools I share with clients is a very simple ‘Gratitude Diary’. I ask them to choose a time of day or evening that works for them, for example just after the evening meal or just before bed. (It’s best to pair all new habits with something we already do every day so that it is more easily absorbed into our routine.)
They then sit down for 5 minutes with a diary, notebook or app where they write 3 things from that day that they are grateful for. Some clients who are in a bad place really struggle at first and need some suggestions. For example, we can be thankful for a blue sky or a rainbow, the scent of a flower of a smile from a stranger. Of course, it can also be bigger, more obvious things such as a lovely meal in a restaurant or a trip away but teaching ourselves to notice and appreciate the small pleasures in our life really does create huge shifts in how satisfied we feel.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have inspired you to live with more joy in life?
I definitely believe we all deserve more joy in our life, no matter who we are. I also believe it’s okay to find shortcuts and easier ways to do things — life really does not have to be hard work ALL the time!
I’ve always been a book worm and read or listen to audio books every day. Two of my most recent reads that have reminded me that we don’t have to do more and more stuff to feel satisfied are ‘Do Less’ by Kate Northrup and ‘Chill and Prosper’ by Denise Duffield-Thomas. Both authors advocate slowing down and carving out ‘me-time’ as necessities and not an indulgence.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
My movement would have two parts:
- Helping people understand that they can just give themselves permission to be themselves and live life their way — it’s nobody else’s business!
- Getting everyone to believe that they are just as worthy as anyone else on the planet, and if they want to reach for the stars they absolutely can do so!
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
My main website www.notjustcoaching.com https://notjustcoaching.com has information about my coaching and hypnotherapy work as well as links to my publications and social media pages. Thank you so much for sharing this with your readers!
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
It has been an honour and a pleasure!
About The Interviewer: For 30 years, Drew Gerber has been inspiring those who want to change the world. Drew is the CEO of Wasabi Publicity, Inc., a full-service PR agency lauded by PR Week and Good Morning America. Wasabi Publicity, Inc. is a global marketing company that supports industry leaders, change agents, unconventional thinkers, companies and organizations that strive to make a difference. Whether it’s branding, traditional PR or social media marketing, every campaign is instilled with passion, creativity and brilliance to powerfully tell their clients’ story and amplify their intentions in the world. Schedule a free consultation at WasabiPublicity.com/Choosing-Publicity.
I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: Amanda Craven of Not Just Coaching On Why So Many Of Us Are Feeling… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.