An Interview With Dr. Carla Marie Manly
Community is essential to your self-growth journey. As you grow and get to know yourself, you may find that your interests and hobbies change. Challenge yourself to try a new class or activity and even sign up to do it with a group. This is a great way to meet your people.
Growth is an essential part of life, both personally and professionally. Every day presents an opportunity to learn, evolve, and become better versions of ourselves. But how do we seize these opportunities? How do successful writers, leaders, and influencers ensure they are constantly growing and improving? What daily habits, practices, or mindsets contribute to their continual growth? In this interview series, we are talking to authors, leaders, influencers, and anyone who is an authority about “What We Can Do To Grow Every Day”. As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Rebecca Fellenbaum.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified somatic life coach, writer, and entrepreneur. She helps moms who have made it on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine. Find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in suburban Detroit in the ’80s and am the oldest of three. Picture bad hair, worse clothes, and lots of roaming the neighborhood with troops of neighbor kids. My parents worked full time, and ever the responsible one, I was babysitting my brother and sister by age 10. I was independent, adventurous, and somewhat shy, and although I tried pretty much every sport, it took me a while to find the things I was passionate about (it was not sports!).
In 6th grade, my English teacher told me I was a good writer and encouraged me to pursue it. I joined the yearbook club and wrote for the school newspaper. Writing was one of the first things I learned I had a talent for, and it felt satisfying to have something that was mine.
I was a driven student and I worked hard. I was a curious, dorky, awkward kid who usually had one best friend at a time. Ever an outsider, I felt isolated and different most of the time, which I now know is probably most kids at some point in their childhoods.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
In college, I majored in journalism, pursuing my dream of writing and my innate curiosity. I envisioned myself as an investigative journalist traveling the world in pursuit of the story. This idealism (and the travel bug I picked up when I studied abroad my junior year) led me to the Peace Corps after graduation and then to small-town Ohio as a reporter at a daily newspaper.
I followed my now-husband to Washington, DC in 2004 and shifted gears to work in marketing and communications at a non-profit. Soon after we got married, my husband and I moved to New Zealand (yep, we still had that travel bug) where I worked in digital marketing at a local college.
We made our way back to the Midwest when we were expecting our second child and I worked in digital marketing at a publishing company. My love of writing and curious nature never wavered.
After the kids went back to school post-pandemic, I was ready for a change. I had dived headfirst into personal growth and exploration during the tough years of early parenting and the lockdown. It was an intuitive download that led me to pursue life coaching. In May 2023, I found myself at a life coach training retreat. Now, as a Certified Adult Chair® Coach, I help moms find their inner voice and live from their true, authentic selves.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about Personal Growth. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “Personal Growth” mean to you?
Personal growth is brave. To grow personally, you must set aside ego, societal expectations, productivity, capitalistic pursuits, and other’s expectations and go inward. Slowing down, exploring your inner world, getting curious about big topics, and opening your mind is not easy. They are courageous acts that involve tears, pain, difficult conversations, emotional turmoil, setting boundaries, and reprogramming past beliefs.
Personal growth is revolutionary because living as your true, authentic self means you do not abide by other’s rules and expectations. You do not play small to fit in. You do not operate out of shame and fall in line to produce and consume more. You do not live your life to please others.
Personal growth is a journey inward to meet yourself and build your life from a place of wholeness.
Why do you believe that it’s important to commit to growing every day?
The only constant in life is change. We can surrender or resist this change. What we do determines our outlook and therefore the outcome. To maximize our precious time in this life, I argue that we must surrender to change, create the conditions for change, and embrace change. This is a daily practice.
What are the key upsides for those who mindfully engage in a journey of personal evolution?
The ultimate upside of doing your personal work is freedom. Freedom from your limiting beliefs, freedom from unhelpful thoughts, freedom from patterns that keep you stuck, and freedom from unhealthy habits. The best part is that you can take small steps towards mindfulness that pay off in big ways. Here are ways I recommend getting started:
- Pay attention to your thoughts
- Get into the present moment
- Feel your feelings
- Learn to respond and not react
- Get to know your needs.
Once you start to get to know your inner workings, you realize there is a vast and endless world inside of you just waiting to be discovered.
When we stop evolving in intentional ways, what do you think are the biggest downsides?
There is no going back. Once you start a journey of personal discovery, you do not unlearn revelations about yourself. However, you may come up against parts of yourself that do not want to be seen or known. You may feel stalled. A common scenario is when you gain self-worth and begin to set boundaries at work, it may seem like you will be able to easily set boundaries in all areas of your life. However, you may find it hard to set a boundary with your family of origin and let your parents know that you want to spend Christmas with your husband and kids. It is another opportunity to work on the next level of healing. Can you tolerate the tough emotions that will come up for you as you set a new boundary with your family of origin? What support do you need?
It is amazing that when you have realizations and make changes in some areas of your life, other changes come easily. It is also true that old wounds will come to the surface when you are ready to face them. This can feel hard and isolating but know that the skills and tools you have gained are there for you to use for this next challenge.
What specific practices, if any, do you have in place to ensure that you don’t become stagnant in life?
I love this question because it introduces the idea of playfulness and movement as a way to self-improvement. Life is not so serious! When we can tap into our childlike wonder and allow that energy to permeate our lives, we will keep flowing in the right direction. Here are practices I do to ensure I am not stagnant:
- Find the fun in the everyday
- Establish a nurturing morning routine
- Check in with myself
- Maintain my health
- Set goals to challenge myself
- Continue to learn
- Remain curious about life
- Get in a community with healthy people who hold me accountable and want to know the true me.
Is there any particular area of your life where you are most committed to growth (e.g., spiritually, professionally, socially, internally, relationally)?
As a holistic being, it is hard to isolate one area. They all influence each other. The area, however, I have been most committed to this year is my spiritual growth. I have deepened my meditation and gratitude practices. I have prioritized learning about spirituality and sought out relationships that allow me to do so. This has led to huge gains professionally, socially, internally, and in my relationships.
If you could offer five tips to readers on how to stimulate and perpetuate self-growth, what would they be?
Here are five ways to stimulate and perpetuate self-growth:
1 . Get curious
When we live as the healthiest version of ourselves, we are open to learning the facts, communicate truthfully, and gather information to make decisions. We approach life from a place of curiosity. Without judgment and quick reactions, we observe, respond, and are open to ideas. This is a fantastic starting point for self-growth.
Self-growth is internal work. I recently spoke with a client who blamed her overwhelm and lack of zest for life on resentments she had towards her husband and coworkers. From her perspective, she felt used and stuck in a pattern of over functioning and not getting recognized for her efforts. During our time together, I asked her to get curious about the facts and truth behind her feelings and situation. She looked at her role in these relationships and from a place of curiosity determined that she needed to speak her truth and set boundaries.
2 . Establish growth patterns
Find the self-growth exercises, routines, resources, and influences that resonate with you and surround yourself with them. On my self-growth journey, I discovered that I am better when I start my day with meditation and exercise. I started setting my alarm to get up before my family and practice those things. At first, it felt weird and I felt guilty taking this time for myself, but I showed myself this self-love knowing that I deserved it.
To get up earlier and feel rested, I also started getting more disciplined about bedtime. Instead of staying up late watching TV or scrolling on my phone, I put my phone away and went upstairs to read. Looking at my daily patterns from a lens of self-growth has helped me improve those habits. Instead of upending my entire life, I have introduced small things that have made a huge difference.
3 . Feel your feelings
Our emotions are our bodies’ natural, energetic response to the world around us. In our journey of self-growth, we must learn to allow, feel and process emotions. By letting our emotions flow through, without attaching stories or assumptions, we can live as our true selves. This can be incredibly difficult if we are used to stuffing down, shutting out, and picking up vices when emotions arise.
Emotions first manifest in our physical body. I learned to feel the pit in my stomach, tightness in my chest, or heat in my neck and sit with it. This takes work if we are used to moving past those physical sensations by scrolling social media or reaching for food or alcohol when we feel uncomfortable. When we allow our emotions to metabolize, they last 60–90 seconds. This is something we can handle.
4 . Find your people
Community is essential to your self-growth journey. As you grow and get to know yourself, you may find that your interests and hobbies change. Challenge yourself to try a new class or activity and even sign up to do it with a group. This is a great way to meet your people.
There may already be people in your life that see you. Notice those who make you feel expanded and warm and lean into those relationships. This is another way to cultivate healthy relationships.
5 . Know your worth
Self-worth is key to our growth. One exercise I often recommend is noticing how you take a compliment and work on accepting kind words. To accept a compliment, feel your heart space open and allow yourself to be seen. This can feel vulnerable and awkward at first. If you are used to saying “Oh this old thing,” when someone compliments your outfit, notice that you do it and try saying a simple “thank you.” The more you practice openly accepting praise, the more you teach yourself that you are worthy.
What advice would you give to someone who feels stuck and unsure of how to start their personal growth journey?
This is super common. You are not alone if you feel stuck, overwhelmed, and unsure. Your personal growth journey is unique to you. If you find yourself comparing, wondering where to start, or not meeting your goals, try to:
- Start small
- Applaud yourself for every action
- Notice the little things
- Take inventory. You have already come a long way!
A great place to start is by cleaning up your surroundings. To start your growth journey, make sure you are surrounding yourself with the healthiest people and influences. If you want to eat healthy, you would remove the processed food from your pantry and fill up your fridge with fruits and veggies. The same is true of your personal growth journey. If you want to feel better about yourself, unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself on social media. Choose podcasts, shows, and movies that make you feel good and offer you glimpses of the positive life you are building. Spend time with people who inspire and empower you. Get rid of clutter, dust, dead plants, and items from your past that no longer serve you. When you lighten your physical and mental spaces, you allow yourself room to open up to new things.
Are there any books, podcasts, or other resources that have significantly contributed to your personal growth?
I love this question because I LOVE reading, podcasts, and self-help and personal growth content.
Podcasts: The Adult Chair, We Can Do Hard Things, The Mel Robbins Podcast, The Terri Cole Show
Books:
I wrote a recent blog about the top 15 books that have helped my healing journey. They are (in no particular order):
- Untamed by Glennon Doyle
- How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
- The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
- The Magic of Surrender by Kute Blackson
- The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor
- The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Lisa Damour
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MD
- Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza
- Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
- No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD
- The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson, PhD
- Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
- A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
- Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I am here for moms. I just read the surgeon general’s report that our nation is in a parental mental health crisis. I want to scream from the rooftops: Moms, you deserve to enjoy your life! What a revolution it would be if moms set down their guilt, shame, overdoing, and over-giving and said, “I’m going to enjoy my life!”
What if we said: I am done comparing, striving, performing, overconsuming, and I’m going to bask in this life I have built? I’m going to enjoy my home, friendships, kids, partner, body, mind, and time. I’m going to love myself. I’m not buying into the cultural and societal messages telling me I’m broken, and I need this or that product or service to fix myself. I’m going to drop the belief that you can’t rest until all the work is done. It’s not true.
If moms embrace our enjoyment, kids, partners, and lives, we will model it for everyone! In the nonprofit world, they say when you give moms resources it extends to the entire community, and this applies here as well. It is time, moms, for you to have permission to rest, to savor, and to enjoy your life. You deserve it!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can find me on my corner of the internet at rebeccafellenbaum.com, where you can sign up for a free coaching session. I am also a regular contributor on Medium and a sometimes poster on Instagram.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About The Interviewer: Dr. Carla Marie Manly — clinical psychologist, author, and advocate — is based in Sonoma County, California. In addition to her clinical practice focusing on relationships and personal transformation, Dr. Manly is deeply invested in her roles as podcaster and speaker. With a refreshingly direct and honest approach — plus a dose of humor — Dr. Manly enjoys supporting others in the ever-evolving journey of life. Her novel self-development paradigm builds resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-esteem. Highlighting the importance of loving connection, her work also focuses on helping others create deeply connected and satisfying intimate and social relationships. Working from a transformative model that honors the body-mind-spirit connection, Dr. Manly offers holistic relationship and wellness seminars around the world. An award-winning author, Dr. Manly’s books, The Joy of Imperfect Love, Date Smart, Joy from Fear, and Aging Joyfully highlight her empowering approach and profound expertise. Host of the captivating podcast, Imperfect Love, Dr. Manly offers uplifting guidance on navigating the messy road of life. Her expertise is also regularly cited in media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Oprah, Newsweek, NBC, HuffPost, Reader’s Digest, Psychology Today, Parade, GQ, Women’s Health, Architectural Digest, Men’s Health, and more.
Growing Every Day: Rebecca Fellenbaum On What We Can Do To Grow Every Day was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.