An Interview With Dr. Carla Marie Manly
Move: This one can be difficult for couch potatoes like me out there. With work, school and my family, finding time for me (and perhaps you) can be tricky. When I do land a moment to myself it can be hard to motivate my mind to use the time to walk. I have learned that if I challenge myself to walk with a reward in sight- the chore becomes easier, and I always feel better after doing it. I have also found that creative ideas come to me when I am walking, or a pull to start studying something new will pop into my mind while I am moving around. Right now, I am in the middle of a 30-Day Walking Challenge, my reward if achieved will be a new pair of walking shoes!
Growth is an essential part of life, both personally and professionally. Every day presents an opportunity to learn, evolve, and become better versions of ourselves. But how do we seize these opportunities? How do successful writers, leaders, and influencers ensure they are constantly growing and improving? What daily habits, practices, or mindsets contribute to their continual growth? In this interview series, we are talking to authors, leaders, influencers, and anyone who is an authority about “What We Can Do To Grow Every Day”. As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kaylen Alexandra.
Certified Mindfulness Coach, graduate student of Positive Psychology, and author of weekly newsletter called Dear People-Pleasers, Kaylen Alexandra strives to deliver wellness practices to seekers of liberation. Kaylen’s research is based around the positive impacts of self-care, and leveraging emotional intelligence as a means to experience both self-compassion, and elevated empathy for others. She lives in San Diego, CA.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I’m thrilled to be here- thanks for having me! I was born in San Diego, CA and grew up between my parents. I’ve lived in different parts of California and Michigan throughout my childhood. Growing up between two different homes helped me in many ways to understand multiple values, and perspectives to life. It also lends to the root of my people-pleasing patterns, and lack of self-compassion. Even with the best intentions from both sides of my family, there were times I felt I did not fit into either household. This is why I am so passionate about emotional intelligence and helping not only myself- but others- to heal. With increased self-compassion comes increased compassion for others. This was something I had to experience first-hand to truly believe, and because of my lived experience, I can empathize with those not yet ready to practice self-care or compassion.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I have a couple of different income paths, but my passion lies in writing. My weekly newsletter called Dear People Pleasers is meant to be accessed as a completely FREE resource to anyone seeking tips or knowledge around healing from pleasing. My studies in graduate school at Arizona State University are concentrated in Positive Psychology, and many of my newsletters reference the four pillars of emotional intelligence (self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management), and how to practice each pillar for increased peace, and compassion. My love of reading connected me to a love for writing and combined with emotional wellness- I have found my sweet-spot for purpose. One of my favorite segments of the newsletter is called, Ask A People-Pleaser, where readers may anonymously submit questions about their relationships and how to end their pleasing patterns.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about Personal Growth. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “Personal Growth” mean to you?
To be open to Personal Growth, to me means that you are willing to keep an open mind. Having a “fixed mindset” about your life, and how things go in life can be limiting. In order to grow, we must first be open to thinking about things from a different perspective.
Why do you believe that it’s important to commit to growing every day?
I believe the more we commit to growing as human beings, the better chance we have at achieving a life we don’t hate.
What are the key upsides for those who mindfully engage in a journey of personal evolution?
Self-compassion! Deeper connections! Better, more wholesome conversations and the ability to see the world with kinder eyes.
When we stop evolving in intentional ways, what do you think are the biggest downsides?
We hit a wall when we live in an endless cycle of repetitive motion. To embrace life we do not need all the material things that we are told we do. Trying on new ideas, looking at things from a different perspective, helps us appreciate the concept of life more often than when we practice the same thoughts and actions repeatedly.
What specific practices, if any, do you have in place to ensure that you don’t become stagnant in life?
I love learning! It is why I went back to school. I hope to never stop learning, expanding my perceptions of how life works, what our purpose is, and how to help others. My three-year-old son is also great at keeping me on my toes and inviting me to see the world from his point of view.
Is there any particular area of your life where you are most committed to growth (e.g., spiritually, professionally, socially, internally, relationally)?
Emotions are mysterious to me, and being able to name them in the moment (which is part of practicing self-awareness) is something I strive to become better at every day. Emotional Intelligence is my muse, and learning how to practice self-compassion for the ripple effect of better relationships all around, will likely always be my Achilles heel.
If you could offer five tips to readers on how to stimulate and perpetuate self-growth, what would they be?
1 . Start a Reading Practice: Since you are reading this (kudos!), you are already on your way to success! What you read does not matter. It can be any genre, any subject- Fiction, or non- anything at all. Reading will help you in so many ways. Your vocabulary for one, will expand, and you will find yourself saying ostentatious things such as the word ostentatious itself! Reading will also help you leverage empathy, by learning new perspectives of others- and it will give you new information about topics of your interest. I have always been a reader, but about two years ago I became interested in non-fiction, specifically around emotional literacy. I read every book by Dr. Brene Brown and highly recommend her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”
2 . Play: In psychology there is a practice called “Play Therapy”, and it really IS as easy as it sounds! As adults we tend to get wound up in the “requirements” of life. We forget to HAVE FUN. Myself included! Scheduling time in your calendar to do something simply for the pure JOY of it is excellent for emotional regulation and is a great practice for self-care. My son and I will have frequent “Dance Parties” in the living room to different songs he likes from YouTube. Last year he discovered “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift- it became the top played song on my Spotify from all our dancing!
3 . Move: This one can be difficult for couch potatoes like me out there. With work, school and my family, finding time for me (and perhaps you) can be tricky. When I do land a moment to myself it can be hard to motivate my mind to use the time to walk. I have learned that if I challenge myself to walk with a reward in sight- the chore becomes easier, and I always feel better after doing it. I have also found that creative ideas come to me when I am walking, or a pull to start studying something new will pop into my mind while I am moving around. Right now, I am in the middle of a 30-Day Walking Challenge, my reward if achieved will be a new pair of walking shoes!
4 . Connect: We can’t expect ourselves to change or grow all alone. It is so important to have people in our lives who we can turn to for connection. For people-pleasers who claim to be allergic to confrontation, consider leaning into the discomfort and being vulnerable. For years I was unable to practice being vulnerable, until my son was born and my life changed. My sister, Kassidy, has also been instrumental to my slow learning of how to talk about difficult subjects. Find someone you feel safe with, that can be family, friends, therapists, neighbors, or the greeter at the grocery store. Start slowly, watch how your relationship changes for the better.
5 . Practice Self-Awareness: Before we can engage in self-compassion, we first need to embark on the journey to becoming self-aware. Notice your inner dialogue. How do you speak to yourself in your head? Are you cruel? Do you spend all day catering to the needs of others with kindness, but treat yourself as a prisoner? Notice that. Once you do, you will have the power to change your talk track. This is a life-long practice and requires a lot of unlearning. Sometimes, when I notice that I am being particularly harsh on myself, I will pretend like I am talking to my son, instead of me. I instantly become more patient, kind, and understanding. A book I love and reference often that can help with your practice is called, Radical Self-Acceptance, By Tara Brach.
What advice would you give to someone who feels stuck and unsure of how to start their personal growth journey?
I would wrap them into a virtual hug and let them know that they are not alone. It is okay to be confused. It is okay to not know where to start. My journey started when I was intuitively pulled to non-fiction books. I went to the store and bought several books, starting with “I Thought It Was Just Me, But It Isn’t” By Dr. Brene Brown. You may not be a reader, and that’s great! My husband is a runner. His personal growth journey started with a three-mile run. I would suggest you let yourself be curious about things that you used to love as a child. If nothing sparks there, look at your expenses — is there anything you spend your money on that is not a staple? Events? Special foods? Music? Explore! Try to be curious about life again. Start there.
Are there any books, podcasts, or other resources that have significantly contributed to your personal growth?
Absolutely yes. I would be nothing without books. I’ve named a few already, so I will share my current read (that I am loving): Bad Vibes Only (And Other Things I Bring To The Table) By Nora McInerny. Healing is not “One Size Fits All”, and she is incredible at normalizing being…abnormal.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 😊
I would be over-joyed to inspire a global Self-Love Club. I believe that in discovering self-acceptance we drop such harsh judgment of others, and can feel empathy for the spectrum of emotions we all experience while partaking in this life.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I would be thrilled to have you all come subscribe to my free weekly newsletter:
Kaylenalexandra.substack.com
I also published a journal on Amazon called The Guided Emotional Intelligence Journal by K. Alexandra
You can (sometimes!) find me on Instagram: @dear_people_pleasers
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About The Interviewer: Dr. Carla Marie Manly — clinical psychologist, author, and advocate — is based in Sonoma County, California. In addition to her clinical practice focusing on relationships and personal transformation, Dr. Manly is deeply invested in her roles as podcaster and speaker. With a refreshingly direct and honest approach — plus a dose of humor — Dr. Manly enjoys supporting others in the ever-evolving journey of life. Her novel self-development paradigm builds resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-esteem. Highlighting the importance of loving connection, her work also focuses on helping others create deeply connected and satisfying intimate and social relationships. Working from a transformative model that honors the body-mind-spirit connection, Dr. Manly offers holistic relationship and wellness seminars around the world. An award-winning author, Dr. Manly’s books, The Joy of Imperfect Love, Date Smart, Joy from Fear, and Aging Joyfully highlight her empowering approach and profound expertise. Host of the captivating podcast, Imperfect Love, Dr. Manly offers uplifting guidance on navigating the messy road of life. Her expertise is also regularly cited in media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Oprah, Newsweek, NBC, HuffPost, Reader’s Digest, Psychology Today, Parade, GQ, Women’s Health, Architectural Digest, Men’s Health, and more.
Growing Every Day: Kaylen Alexandra of Dear People Pleasers On What We Can Do To Grow Every Day was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.