Stop- When you catch yourself spinning about “what if I’d just done” or “if only I had said,” stop yourself. Take a pause. Consider that what is happening may be due to something not your fault. Give yourself time to feel your feelings and then assess the logistics of the situation with a clearer perspective.
As a part of our series about women who are shaking things up in their industry, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kryss Shane.
Kryss Shane MS, MSW, LSW, LMSW (she/her) is the author of the Amazon #1 New Release Creating an LGBT+ Inclusive Workplace: The Practical Resource Guide for Business Leaders, which provides best practices and professional guidance for creating LGBT+ inclusive workplaces, including creating safer working environments, updating company policies, enhancing continuing education and training, and better supporting LGBT+ people in the workplace training and other tangible ways to support LGBT+ people in the workplace. Kryss has over 25 years of experience guiding the world’s top leaders in business, education and community via individual, small group and full-staff trainings.
She is also the author of The Educator’s Guide to LGBT+ Inclusion, the first book of its kind to guide educators, administrators, and school staff to become able and empowered to make their schools more LGBT+ inclusive.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your “backstory”? What led you to this particular career path?
It seems that most people who work in leadership have a personal story or experience that draws them to this field. Growing up in small town Ohio, I was someone who was always the support person and the go-to person for my friends, but I never considered making a career of it until much later. I was always a believer in equality, and this led me to begin to become mindful of ways in which minority groups weren’t represented in my middle school and high school textbooks and in the media, I was enjoying. This led me to speak up a lot in class, asking questions that many teachers had no answers to because their education also lacked inclusion. I never saw myself as any sort of ally or activist or educator, I thought those were people who were much older and fancier than I was because those titles seemed reserved for these storied activists like Malcolm X or Marsha P. Johnson, larger than life individuals, not someone from small town Ohio!
Anyway, as I became increasingly more aware of the discrimination against LGBT+ people and people within the intersectionality (since any person of any background or identity can also be LGBT+ identified), I began to realize this problem in my community and in families. This led me to earn my bachelor’s degree at The Ohio State University in Human Development and Family Sciences.
Simultaneously, I was volunteering a ton with LGBT+ organizations. Over time, my volunteer work grew, and many began asking why I didn’t do this as my profession. It hadn’t dawned on me before then that I could. This realization sent me into my first master’s degree program, where I graduated from Barry University in Social Work, where I focused my studies on LGBT+ issues. As years passed though, I was always bothered by how often textbooks in schools still lack representation of marginalized groups. This led me to go back to school, where I earned my 2nd master’s degree, from Western Governors University in Education, specializing in Curriculum and Instruction. I am currently working toward my doctorate in Educational Leadership from University of the Cumberlands, where I get to bring my LGBT+ work through the lens of leaders in our world, thus making me better at educating others and teaching them how to improve their allyship and activism. I am also working in undergraduate and graduate social work departments Columbia University and Brandman University, and writing articles, book chapters, and books that focus on the minority populations that have been too long left out.
That includes Creating an LGBT+ Inclusive Workplace: The Practical Resource Guide for Business Leaders, which provides best practices and professional guidance for creating LGBT+ inclusive workplaces, including creating safer working environments, updating company policies, enhancing continuing education and training, and better supporting LGBT+ people in the workplace training and other tangible ways to support LGBT+ people in the workplace
I still don’t see myself as ever being able to be at the likes of some of those incredible leaders but now I get the privilege of being surrounded by people like Andrea Shorter, Dimitri Moise, and Jazz Jennings, which only further inspires me every day.
Can you tell our readers what it is about the work you’re doing that’s disruptive?
My company ThisIsKryss.com is often considered disruptive because it focuses on LGBT+ inclusion. It is really fluid and it grows as I grow. When it started, I was just a person with volunteer experience and a true belief in equality. As I grew in my work [Kryss has earned multiple advanced degrees, licenses, and certifications], the company grew. What I offered to others grew as I met more people and as more event attendees asked more questions. As our society has expanded its awareness of all of the groups who fit into the plus category of LGBT+, more of the work went to discussing how to support those individuals. As we continue to grow and now we focus more on the recognition (finally) of racial injustices, now I have more conversations, consulting relationships, and events tied to the intersection of LGBT+ and race alongside other leaders and as we continue to realize that the world can’t get better until we get more educated!
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
The biggest mistake I used to make is that I used to be really afraid of other speakers! I would read the bios and academic backgrounds of other speakers at events or of the C-suite at companies I was speaking to and I would become completely intimidated. It made me question myself and it made me become smaller both in my posture and in my literal and figurative voice. I had to learn to overcome that by getting to know others and to recognize that my work and my experience also held value.
In terms of funniest mistake, I’ve had a few situations where I’ve completely “fan girled” out when meeting someone whose work really inspires me. Admittedly though, this isn’t something I’ve outgrown. I still find it really exciting to meet someone whose work is pretty incredible. It most recently happened with Sally Hogshead. She’s a huge well-known speaker and I’d considered her to be someone whose events I would attend “someday.” Not as in an actual time on a calendar but in that big metaphoric *makes a rainbow gesture with her hands* someday. Someday when I was wealthy enough or someday when I was big enough in my career or someday when I was… something enough. Anyway, when my first book “The Educator’s Guide to LGBT+ Inclusion” came out, a dear friend, Jeanette Jennings (from TLC’s “I Am Jazz”) posted about it on her social media. Not long after, Jeanette emailed me and asked if she could give my info to a friend who wanted to get in touch. I agreed because any friend of hers is a friend of mine. It turns out, the friend was Sally! She suggested a phone call. Here I was, after years of admiring her, getting to have a one-on-one call. A week later, there I was, totally wasting the professional opportunity because my personal self was so totally geeking out over meeting her. (Luckily, Sally is actually a seriously awesome person and she was quite polite about my fan girling, so much so that she is included as an interviewee in my latest book, Creating an LGBT+ Inclusive Workplace: The Practical Resource Guide for Business Leaders,!)
What it made me realize though is that this isn’t so much about having to learn to outgrow or make up for funny mistakes, it’s about owning them! I’ve actually had some people get a little extra animated when talking with me and I never find it funny or embarrassing, I find it incredibly flattering and I am so grateful to know that my work impacts them. As a result, I have stopped trying to pretend not to be incredibly excited when meeting others!
We all need a little help along the journey. Who have been some of your mentors? Can you share a story about how they made an impact?
Oh wow… ya know, there’s a group of moms of trans youth who come to mind. I’d been doing my work for a long time but from a bit of a distance; there was a sort of wall between myself and the audience. I think this comes from a clear understanding of client boundaries. About 15 years or so ago, I connected with one of the moms who was also doing this work (Jeanette Jennings, of TLC’s “I Am Jazz”). We connected on such a deep friendship level (as I did with her daughter Jazz) that it opened my mind to considering why I’d been keeping myself so separated. In the years since, I’ve been lucky enough to get to be invited to join a group of women whose hearts are not only big enough to accept and affirm their own children but to accept and affirm me both as a person and as someone doing the work I am doing. Their role as my friends along with them allowing me a front row seat to how mothering can be done so beautifully has really been both a gift and a confirmation that the work I do and the person I am (and am becoming) is exactly as it is meant to be.
In today’s parlance, being disruptive is usually a positive adjective. But is disrupting always good? When do we say the converse, that a system or structure has ‘withstood the test of time’? Can you articulate to our readers when disrupting an industry is positive, and when disrupting an industry is ‘not so positive’? Can you share some examples of what you mean?
Disruptive is a word that could be positive or negative, as can the history of a system or structure. I think we have to look at the systemic impact of a rule or law or organization or process. Who does it help? Who does it harm? From there, we can determine if we ought to be upholding it or disrupting it. For example, some aspects of the intention of policing are great, as we all want to be safe. However, much of it is harmful to BIPOC and LGBT+ people. As a result, we cannot allow it to continue as is, we must disrupt the status quo so that it no longer disrupts the safety of BIPOC and LGBT+ people. The Post Office has been around for generations, with a ton of benefit. When we as a nation experienced a disruption, we realized how necessary the Post Office is, so we are now working to end the disruption. It’s not about the word “disruption,” it’s about who and what is being harmed by a system or structure. If there’s no harm, keep it going. If there is harm, we cannot continue on as if we don’t know the harm is there. It’s that simple… and that difficult!
Can you share 3 of the best words of advice you’ve gotten along your journey? Please give a story or example for each.
- Stop – When you catch yourself spinning about “what if I’d just done” or “if only I had said,” stop yourself. Take a pause. Consider that what is happening may be due to something not your fault. Give yourself time to feel your feelings and then assess the logistics of the situation with a clearer perspective.
- Share – No one can help you if no one knows what’s going on. Whether it’s carrying something physically too heavy for one person or carrying something emotionally or professionally too heavy for one person, don’t hurt yourself trying to do it all alone.
- Check-in – The world is busy and often overwhelming. It can be easy for a month or three or six to go by without realizing a lack of communication with a loved one. If the relationship is healthy and mutually beneficial, make the effort! Even if you put it into your calendar to remind you to text your favorite cousin every other week or to call a friend you adore, use the technology around you to support your connection to your loved ones. Heck, you can even create a habit around this… for example, if you are someone who uses your phone on the toilet, decide that every bathroom break means you’ll send two texts to people just to let the know you hope they’re having a great day! It’ll take no time from your life and it’ll bring smiles to others! (Plus, it’ll remind you that you have people who smile when they hear from you!)
We are sure you aren’t done. How are you going to shake things up next?
(laughs) I want to say that it’d ruin the surprises if I tell you, but the truth is, my life story indicates that I am probably only 50% aware of all that’s ahead for me. Sometimes, in addition to surprising others, I surprise myself! I guess this is just a long way of saying, STAY TUNED!
In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges faced by ‘women disruptors’ that aren’t typically faced by their male counterparts?
As a woman, I think we all have experiences in our upbringing that are tough. We live in a society that shows us in every advertisement, every commercial, every tv show, every film what women are supposed to be. They show us that “real women” are bigger here and smaller there, that our bodies are supposed to be hairless and our skin always smooth, that our eyebrows should always be perfectly shaped according to the trends. There are aisles of makeup to cover birth marks and freckles, to hide dimples, there are magazine articles about how to overline lips or minimize waists. Not only this, but we are constantly being told what to do in order to be loveable and loved. “Wear this nail polish to land a man!” “How to wear your hair to get your crush to want you!” In addition to the perfect look and the perfect shape, there’s what we’re supposed to do; we have to perfectly cook and serve holiday meals (and have the perfect serving dishes for this), we have to always be working 10x harder than men in the workplace to get half as far but we must get to the top, we cannot use childcare but must also never let our work or our appearance suffer. The list is endless.
As a girl and as a teen, I certainly compared myself to that expectation. I questioned whether a boy I liked would like me better if my hair wasn’t so curly. I wondered if the guy I was interested in wouldn’t like me because of the shape of my body. I poured over magazines with friends trying to understand all of the rules so that I could be loved and loveable.
Unfortunately, there is no perfect nail polish shade or bra size or job title or hair style that will guarantee that Prince or Princess Charming will show up for any of us. It can be a tough reality for us to recognize after we’ve been told otherwise since we were very young.
For me, it became about filling my life with people who love me when I weigh 30 pounds too much, people who respect me when my nails are without polish, people who trust me when my hair is a mess, and people who show up for me not in spite of or because of those things but because they love me and love isn’t about those things. The more I realized and accepted that, the better I was set up for success and the less I cared about those other details!
Do you have a book/podcast/talk that’s had a deep impact on your thinking? Can you share a story with us?
Although I have always loved to read and once had a large collection of beloved books, the reading that stood out most to me as a kid was a poem from an edited collection. It was Edgar Guest’s “The Junkbox.” I found it in a book when I was about five or six and loved it so much that I memorized it just by reading it so often. Until now, I hadn’t wondered if it was still in my brain but *pauses to think for a few seconds* yep, it’s still in there, the entire piece!
Anyway, the poem is about how no one is disposable and even when someone seems different or broken, it doesn’t mean they don’t have value or worth. As a kid, I don’t think I realized it was really advocating for equity and equality, but as an adult, I find that it still resonates with me and my belief about humanity.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I hope that those of us who are writing these “movement books” continue to grow in support of one another. Rising tides raise all boats. For example, Fredrick Joseph posted his excitement about my book to his social media channels. He is also released his first book, “The Black Friend: On Being a Better White Person.” It doesn’t at all need my praise to join the chorus but good heavens is it good! We all have different ways but we all have the same goal of improving the world through education and acceptance of one another. When we come together to celebrate and boost each other, everyone is safer, everyone is better, and everyone wins!
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“We are in a race between education and catastrophe” -Janet Jackson
No one pays enough attention to Black women and, in this case, this Black woman was quite clear in this messaging more than 30 years. Yet here we are, some of us still shocked that ignorance leads to violence, to denying science, to horrific legal battles, and to the degradation of our society the more rampant it is. This reminds me why it matters that we show up, why it matters that we work so hard to be heard, and why every lightbulb moment we create lessens the ignorance in the world.
How can our readers follow you online?
Twitter: @itsKryss
Instagram: ThisIsKryss
Website/Bookings: ThisIsKryss.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kryssshane/
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for joining us!
Female Disruptors: Kryss Shane On The Three Things You Need To Shake Up Your Industry was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.