Dr Brian Trager Of Williamsburg Therapy Group On How Simplifying & Decluttering Your Life Can Make You Happier
An Interview With Drew Gerber
Declutter your mind: work with a therapist to recognize bad mental habits like when you are criticizing/judging/speaking unkindly to yourself, where this stems from, and build healthier ways of talking to yourself.
We live in a time of great excess. We have access to fast fashion, fast food, and fast everything. But studies show that all of our “stuff” is not making us any happier. How can we simplify and focus on what’s important? How can we let go of all the clutter and excess and find true happiness? In this interview series, we are talking to coaches, mental health experts, and authors who share insights, stories, and personal anecdotes about “How Simplifying and Decluttering Your Life Can Make Us Happier.” As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Dr. Brian Trager.
Dr. Brian Trager is a licensed clinical psychologist at Williamsburg Therapy Group in Austin, TX. He specializes in the use of individual and group psychotherapy to help clients break repetitive cycles, practice being vulnerable, feel their emotions, and have deep, honest conversations with others. Dr. Trager empowers his clients to cultivate extraordinary relationships and transform how they feel about themselves and others.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share your “backstory” with us? What was it that led you to your eventual career choice?
Yeah absolutely. Hope you’re ready because I’m going to dive deep. As a child, my parents were not deeply interested in helping me understand myself or getting to know for themselves who I really was. What I felt. What I thought about things. I did not have the kind of mirroring and attunement every child needs to feel understood and safe in the world. This left me feeling lonely, misunderstood, scared, ashamed, and unable to name what I’m feeling and why. Particularly for a child, this is traumatic. As I got older and continued to feel bad about myself and my feelings, I became intensely curious about why I felt and thought the way I did. A self-study of sorts.. Eventually, this led me into the field of psychology and a career as a psychologist. Understanding trauma’s impact on the unconscious thoughts, feelings, desires, and behaviors of humans. As a psychologist, I believe a huge part of my job is to be curious and to help my clients feel heard and understood. Basically, provide what I did not receive as a child. It is through this process of being heard and understood by another person that we gradually come to know ourselves. And I made it my life’s goal to help others who may have traumatic experiences similar or different than mine to not feel so alone in the world and hopefully understand themselves and what happened to them.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?
I got to be on TV! A local news station was doing a story on seasonal affective disorder, a type of depression that typically affects people during the colder, darker, winter months of the year. I was invited on as a mental health expert during a local news broadcast and participated in an impactful conversation about seasonal affective disorder. Who it effects, how to cope, and resources / treatments that are available to people.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes! I am currently working on popularizing group therapy as a primary mental health treatment option. Group therapy is just as effective, if not more effective for certain mental health concerns than individual therapy. It is also much more affordable than individual therapy. So I see group therapy as a perfect option for being able to meet the increasing demands for mental health services while also being affordable.
Most people who struggle with their mental health are seeking to improve their relationships. Group therapy is the ideal environment to do this. Relationships are hard work. And there is no shortcut for building and sustaining committed, intimate relationships. There is no pill you can take. No surgery you can undergo. The only way to get better at relationships is through consistent effort, practice, and hard work. Group therapy is a powerful opportunity to become more effective in relationships.
Most of the problems people face typically stem from what we learned in our first groups, particularly our families. We all have habitual relationship patterns that block us with friends, lovers, coworkers, and family. Group is the ideal social environment to evoke your interpersonal patterns and learn to overcome them. As this process unfolds, all of our unconscious relationship patterns play out in real-time with the other members. This allows individuals to overcome the patterns that are keeping them stuck in relationships and learn to relate to themselves and others in healthier, more adaptive ways.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on the topic of “How Simplifying and Decluttering Your Life Can Make You Happier”?
As a clinical psychologist, I am interested in understanding why people feel, think, and behave the way they do. And I work with a lot of people who feel unsatisfied with themselves and where they are at in their lives. If I had to take a wild guess, the level to which people are acquiring “stuff” and cluttering their lives is directly correlated to the amount of loneliness and longing for connection they are experiencing on a deeper, unconscious level. However, most people are not aware of this. Or if they are, they are avoiding it. And the less aware we are of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and desires, the more power they have over us. So, it really is my job and life’s work to help people understand themselves, their feelings, desires, needs, and how this all correlates to the external realities they construct around themselves.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the main focus of our interview. We live in a time of excess. We have access to so much. But studies show that all of our “stuff” is not making us any happier. Can you articulate for our readers a few reasons why all of our possessions are not giving us happiness?
Well, I think it’s quite simple. People are trying to solve an internal problem with external “stuff.” In other words, people are avoiding their feelings by chasing other feeling states. Often our wish to feel good all the time comes from a desire to suppress the fact that what we’re actually feeling is scared, angry, ashamed, and sad/heartbroken. Whether it’s food, alcohol, drugs, porn, overworking, or “excessive stuff”, people are wanting to feel a certain way and avoid what they are actually feeling. So even after you get that hit of dopamine, our bodies return to our baseline emotional state. Back to whatever we were trying to avoid feeling in the first place. Rather than trying to help everyone “feel better,” what we should be focusing on is helping everyone “get better at feeling.” When we get better at feeling whatever is arising in the moment (even if it’s uncomfortable or scary), we begin to know ourselves deeply and then can take the necessary actions to address what we are feeling and why. Don’t try and solve internal problems with external realities. It never works out well.
On a broader societal level, how do you think this excessiveness may be harming our communities and society?
I mean, just look around. Life is quickly becoming about acquiring and consuming more in every way. Who has the most money. Or the best job. Or the most likes on Instagram or TikTok. It’s creating cultures based on scarcity and a “never enough” mindset. People feel inadequate with what they already have and who they already are. Constantly. We are becoming human “doings” rather than human “beings.” Always needing to be chasing some goal or achievement because we don’t feel enough as we are now. This in turn is causing more people to feel anxious and depressed. Our communities and societies are becoming sicker and more mentally unhealthy.
The irony of struggling with happiness in modern times is glaring. In many places in the world today, we have more than ever before in history. Yet despite this, so many people are unhappy. Why is simplifying a solution? How would simplifying help people to access happiness?
It’s all about coming back to ourselves. Obtaining “stuff” is not the problem. It’s the solution to the problem. The real problem is how we feel inside. By decluttering and simplifying our lives, we are finally getting rid of the surface level symptom and coping mechanism and allowing the root of the problem to rise to the surface. However, this is uncomfortable. It’s like when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking. It’s going to be uncomfortable. They are going to be confronted with feelings they have been trying to avoid. But it’s the only way. It is a slow, delicate process of learning to tolerate and integrate our feelings rather than avoid them at all costs. Although difficult and sometimes a painful journey, breaking these cycles and “decluttering” one’s life leaves you with a lasting feeling of safety, connection, and belonging that is completely worth it.
Can you share some insights from your own experience? Where in your life have you transformed yourself from not having enough to finally experiencing enough? For example, many people feel they don’t have enough money. Yet, people define abundance differently, and often, those with the least money can feel the most abundant. Where in your health, wealth, or relationships have you transformed your life?
I think for the first time in my life, I am starting to experience “enough” in my relationships. Relationships are the currency of life. It’s why I became a psychologist. Connecting with others is ultimately why we are here. It has been a long journey of unlearning all the unhelpful strategies I learned growing up (i.e., all the ways I learned to protect myself from vulnerability and pain) and learning new ways of being with myself and others. Learning how to practice vulnerability, express my true feelings and needs, learn effective ways to manage healthy conflict, and being met with acceptance from others. There’s no better feeling. It feels like coming home. Belonging.
People, places, and things shape our lives. For example, your friends generate conversations that influence you. Where you live impacts what you eat and how you spend your time. The “things” in your life, like phones, technology, or books impact your recreation. Can you tell us a little about how people, places, and things in your own life impact your experience of “experiencing enough?”
Again, for me personally, I really don’t think it is about where I am or what I have. I truly believe it is about the people I choose to surround myself with and whether I feel safe in my relationships. When I feel safely connected to the people in my life, it provides me with a safe haven (i.e., a place to return to in times of distress or threat) and a secure base (i.e., a base of security from which I can go explore my environment and try doing really hard things). With this in place, a sense of faith that things will be okay develops even if they don’t seem okay in this moment. This leads to an overall contentment and satisfaction with life. And life becomes much more colorful. The places or things that are in my life become much more meaningful.
What advice would you give to younger people about “experiencing enough?”
Stop searching for that “enough” feeling in the external busyness of social media or accumulating “stuff.” You’re looking in the wrong place. Slow down. Put your phone away. Focus on being with what is in this moment. Get to know yourself, your feelings, and what you need intimately. Address any traumas you may have experienced in the past. Cultivate extraordinary relationships and surround yourself with people who you feel supported by. This takes time, patience, and a lot of effort. But nothing is more worth it in my opinion.
This is the main question of our interview. Based on your experience and research, can you share your “five ways we can simplify and declutter our lives to make us happier?”
- Declutter your mind: work with a therapist to recognize bad mental habits like when you are criticizing/judging/speaking unkindly to yourself, where this stems from, and build healthier ways of talking to yourself.
- Cut out toxic/unhealthy relationships: simplify the relationships in your life which aren’t based on mutual respect, love and support. You have to be unkind about this, just find a way to continue the relationship in a manner that benefits and respects both parties.
- Slow down and create more moments of quiet for yourself: in a world of constant distractions and noise take time to slow down and just be.
- Declutter the non-essential material possessions from your life: whether it’s physical possessions in your house (thanks Marie Kondo) like clothes or furniture — declutter your space to declutter your mind.
- Simplify your commitments: If you’re a people-pleaser and struggle with saying “no” try giving it a try and say no more often. You don’t need an excuse. Doing less will help you feel more committed to the priorities and goals in your life that you actually want to devote time towards
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Helping people feel more loved and connected. Which I believe starts with ourselves and our relationships. Our world is too focused on needing to be a certain way rather than loving who we are right now. It’s going to take a lot of work from a lot of people, but like I said earlier — I want to popularize group therapy as a main mental health treatment option for the masses of people who are in need. It is affordable, just as effective as individual therapy, and could both help meet the demands for mental health services and provide access to people who may not be able to afford those services currently. It also is an effective means for people to practice what it means to be in deeply committed intimate relationships. Love is a skill we are all taught and learn. I think we could all benefit from a bit more practice into what it means to love and be close to others.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
https://team.williamsburgtherapygroup.com/meet-the-team/dr-brian-trager
Or follow me on socials @drbriantrager
Thank you so much for these insights. This was so inspiring, and so important!
About The Interviewer: For 30 years, Drew Gerber has been inspiring those who want to change the world. Drew is the CEO of Wasabi Publicity, Inc., a full-service PR agency lauded by PR Week and Good Morning America. Wasabi Publicity, Inc. is a global marketing company that supports industry leaders, change agents, unconventional thinkers, companies and organizations that strive to make a difference. Whether it’s branding, traditional PR or social media marketing, every campaign is instilled with passion, creativity and brilliance to powerfully tell their clients’ story and amplify their intentions in the world. Schedule a free consultation at WasabiPublicity.com/Choosing-Publicity.
Dr Brian Trager Of Williamsburg Therapy Group On How Simplifying & Decluttering Your Life Can Make… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.