An Interview With Lucinda Koza
Advocate for Yourself: Trust your instincts and speak up. If something doesn’t feel right, ask questions. Don’t be afraid to explore different protocols or switch doctors. Medical teams often follow a standard approach, but fertility treatment isn’t one-size-fits-all. In my case, I kept hearing that my age or “bad luck” was the reason I wasn’t getting pregnant, but deep down, I knew there was something more. When I pushed for alternative methods and ultimately changed doctors, it made all the difference. You know your body better than anyone else, and you are your best advocate.
Infertility and the journey through IVF are challenges that many individuals and couples face, often accompanied by emotional, physical, and financial stress. Despite advancements in reproductive technology, the process can be isolating and fraught with uncertainty. How can we better support those navigating infertility and IVF, and what strategies can help manage the various challenges along the way? As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Deborah Schoenblum.
Deborah Schoenblum is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist practicing in both New York and New Jersey, with over 20 years of experience in the field. Her personal journey through infertility and multiple miscarriages deeply shaped her perspective, leading her to seek meaning in these challenges. Following the birth of her son, Deborah transitioned her focus from general psychotherapy to specializing in supporting those navigating infertility and family-building. Drawing from her own experiences and professional expertise, she provides compassionate, informed care to those on their own family building journeys.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
I’m a therapist who works with women navigating the struggles of infertility. My own journey of countless tests, surgeries, IUIs, IVFs, failed transfers, seeing multiple doctors, and enduring several miscarriages — before finally having my son — brought me here. For years, my life was consumed by this process. It became so hard to be around friends who were getting pregnant, and I was missing family events. Despite it all, I kept trying to stay positive. I would listen to interviews with women who had gone through similar experiences, I meditated, went to therapy, acupuncture — you name it, I tried it. During the traumatic journey of infertility, one thing that gave me strength was the belief that there had to be a deeper purpose behind it all. I started to realize that this experience was shaping me in a way that would allow me to help others. I knew I could take what I had learned, the heartache, the resilience, the tools, and use it to support others going through their own fertility struggles. That sense of purpose is what kept me going and gave me the drive to turn my pain into something meaningful and do the work I do today.
Describe the process of realizing you had challenges with fertility. What was the level of access to resources available to you in order to see the right doctors, run the right tests, etc?
Discovering I had fertility issues was absolutely heartbreaking. I cried on and off for years. I couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow I deserved this for choices I’d made in the past, like I was being punished for waiting too long. It was the most traumatic experience of my life — an invisible loss that you don’t grieve in public. The uncertainty of not knowing if it would ever happen was the hardest part. My life was on hold for so long.
Living in New York helped in some ways — I had access to resources, and one close friend who had gone through something similar. It was very draining: financially, emotionally and physically. I did every test imaginable, had surgery, tried acupuncture, eastern medicine, meditations, visualizations — even talked to the baby I hoped to have.
Did you keep this realization private? If so, why?
Through all of this, I kept my fertility struggles mostly private. Only my immediate family knew, and even then, I don’t think they fully grasped how traumatic it was for me. No one else in my family had ever had trouble getting pregnant, and that made it all feel even more isolating. I didn’t think anyone would really understand what I was going through. There was a lot of shame wrapped up in it for me. I was constantly nervous that someone would say the wrong thing or ask the wrong question, and I just didn’t want to feel any worse than I already did. It was a deeply private kind of grief.
How much did this realization affect your sense of self, or call into question your plans for your future?
I felt really horrible about myself. I couldn’t help but doubt and question so many of the decisions I’d made in the past, wondering if somehow I was to blame for all of this. Society teaches us that getting pregnant is supposed to be this natural part of being a woman, and when it doesn’t happen it brings up many different emotions. It really shook my sense of identity. There were so many decisions that had to be made throughout this process — big ones, small ones — and every time, I found myself doubting whether I was making the “right” decision. But through it all, I knew I didn’t want to imagine my life without a child. That was the one thing that kept me going.
Following through with the complete process of fertility testing and treatment can be absolutely grueling for your body for what could be years. How did you cope with constant procedures, medications, hormones?
It was an incredibly tough and emotional time for me. I couldn’t make social plans or commit to anything because I was constantly at the doctor’s office. It felt like just a cycle of being poked and prodded with tools, hands, and needles. There were always strangers in the room during procedures, and most of the procedures were physically painful.
Oddly enough, giving myself the fertility shots was one of the few things that made me feel empowered. As time-consuming and expensive as it was, injecting myself gave me this small sense of control, like I was actively doing something to fix the problem. In those moments, I felt like I was taking charge of my own journey, even though everything else felt so out of control.
Was there a point at which you felt as if your body wasn’t your own? If so, how have you been able to reclaim it? Explain.
I believed my body was mine, but there were moments when it felt as though I did not have complete control of it. It was hard not to blame myself, but I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t my fault, that I was going through this for a reason. I started to visualize my body as strong, fertile, and capable of carrying a pregnancy.
Can you please share “5 Things You Need to Navigate the Challenges of Infertility and IVF”?
If you can, kindly share a story or example for each.
- Find Support: Infertility can feel incredibly isolating, but having someone to share your emotions with can make a world of difference. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, a family member, or a therapist, having a safe space to express yourself is invaluable. For me, I connected with a friend of a friend who had experienced multiple miscarriages and spent six years trying to get pregnant. She had just had her baby, and we began meeting regularly. She became not only a listener but a guide, helping me make decisions and giving me referrals. It was comforting to have someone who truly understood what I was going through. That sense of connection was vital for me — it reminded me I wasn’t alone and it helped keep me hopeful.
- Emotional Tools: The emotional toll of IVF is immense. Things rarely go as planned, and the setbacks can be heartbreaking. But there are tools to help manage stress. For me, journaling, guided meditations, and visualizations helped. I would visualize myself being pregnant, I tried tapping, went to therapy, and immersed myself in practices that helped ground me. These emotional tools allowed me to create a space for hope, healing, and strength, even when everything felt uncertain. Without them, I don’t think I could have endured the ups and downs of the process.
- Hold onto Hope: Keeping a sense of hope, even when things seem bleak, is crucial. I know some people hesitate to hope, fearing it will only make the disappointment harder if things don’t work out. But I’ve learned that avoiding hope doesn’t soften the pain. In fact, hope can be a powerful force, connects your mind and body, and gives you the strength to keep going. That belief is what kept me moving forward. It is so easy to let the negative self talk take over your thoughts, but finding ways to confront that is crucial.
- Live Outside the Process: It’s easy to let fertility treatments consume your life, but it’s so important to find moments that have nothing to do with the process. Take a class, go on vacation, create memories with your partner that aren’t tied to doctor’s visits or procedures. I know it can feel like time is slipping away, and the urgency is overwhelming, but taking breaks between cycles can actually give you much-needed space to breathe. I found that stepping away from it all, even just for a little while, helped me recharge and come back stronger.
- Advocate for Yourself: Trust your instincts and speak up. If something doesn’t feel right, ask questions. Don’t be afraid to explore different protocols or switch doctors. Medical teams often follow a standard approach, but fertility treatment isn’t one-size-fits-all. In my case, I kept hearing that my age or “bad luck” was the reason I wasn’t getting pregnant, but deep down, I knew there was something more. When I pushed for alternative methods and ultimately changed doctors, it made all the difference. You know your body better than anyone else, and you are your best advocate.
A woman’s drive and desire to be a mother could be completely personal, simple, or nuanced. It could also be a bold imperative. I believe mothering and caregiving is the most essential labor toward creating a better society. Would you share what has driven you to work so hard and sacrifice so much toward this goal?
I always knew I wanted to be a mother — it was never something I had to think twice about. My relationship with my own mom was loving, and it just felt like the natural next step for me. I also felt like becoming a mom would bring a new sense of purpose to my life. At the time, I had a few nephews, and while I loved being an aunt, I wanted to experience motherhood for myself. I always wanted to experience pregnancy and to go through birth. It was something I truly longed for.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)?
I’d love to meet Debra Messing. Besides her comedic acting and sharing a name, I admire that she is a passionate advocate for particular social justice issues that resonate with me. I would definitely enjoy the opportunity to meet her.
If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Since infertility is a topic so close to my heart and the focus of my work, I would start a movement to make infertility treatment accessible and affordable for everyone. No one should have to choose between their financial stability and the chance to build a family. This movement would push for infertility treatments to be covered by health insurance, making them available to all people.
But it would go beyond just access — it would work to normalize infertility, breaking down the stigma and empowering those on this journey. There’d be more education for health care and mental health professionals, more resources, and more support for anyone going through it.
How can our readers follow your work online?
You can find and contact me at deborahschoenblum.com
I am very responsive to inquiries and love helping others on their family building journey.
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: Nancy Landrum, MA, Relationship Coach, has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married and Love it” and “Stepping Twogether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy has been coaching couples and stepfamilies with transformative communication skills for over thirty years. Nancy is an engaging interviewer and powerful speaker. Nancy has contributed to The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Authority, Medium, Yahoo, MSN, Psych Central, Thrive, Woman’s Day magazine, and more. Nancy is the Founder of the only one of its kind online relationship solution, www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com. Nancy coaches couples across the globe in person and via Zoom. Nancy’s passion is to guide couples and families to happy lasting marriages where children thrive and lovers love for life.
Deborah Schoenblum On Navigating the Challenges of Infertility and IVF was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.