Caring for Myself and My Twins: Smadar Zmirin Of Twinful Life On 5 Things You Need to Recover Emotionally and Physically After Giving Birth to Twins
Breathwork can be short and still have terrific benefits. Doing it when everything is calm or when things are chaotic — breathwork can ground you instantaneously and restore your sense of peace.
Giving birth to twins presents unique challenges and demands a significant emotional and physical recovery process. The journey to regaining well-being while caring for newborn twins is complex and deeply personal. Balancing self-care with the needs of two newborns can be overwhelming, but it is crucial for the health of both the mother and her babies. By sharing these experiences, we hope to provide valuable insights, support, and practical advice to others facing similar challenges. As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Smadar Zmirin.
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with 15 years of experience working with twins. She is a twin-oriented early childhood educator, a twin doula, and a twin sleep consultant, and she works with twin families from pregnancy through age 5. She advocates for raising emotionally healthy twins by nurturing each twin’s unique identity and a strong sense of self, and fostering a supportive twinship. She founded Twinful Life to help parents raise twins with peace and joy www.twinfullife.com
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
I was born and raised in Israel, the youngest of 5, and migrated to New Zealand in 2013.
I started working with twins when I was 21 years old. My first twin nanny job was with 6 months old twin babies, and I was a bit nervous, to say the least. I have been working with babies and children before, but never as a sole charge nanny and never with twins.
I embraced the challenge and thought, “This should be interesting.” Yet what made it more fascinating was the parents asking me to read a few articles about raising twins before I started. They explained to me how important it is for them that I see the twins as two individuals rather than a set. The articles talked about the importance of avoiding talking to twins in the plural, being mindful of comparisons, changing my language when talking about and to the babies, and how this is to help each foster a strong sense of identity and self-esteem. I was taken aback. I have never thought of any of this before.
That job has changed the trajectory of my life. Professionally and emotionally. I have realized just how important my role as a caregiver is and my potential to support these little people’s well-being and development. I wanted to know more, and to do more.
I have started reflecting on my own life, how I compare myself to others and evaluate my worth against theirs. Every person does that to some extent, and those with a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence are less impacted by it. Yet when your identity is intrinsically linked to another, like in the case of most twins, this can have a strong impact on how you perceive yourself and how you lead your life.
I continued working as a twin nanny with many families over the years, and started early childhood education studies to further my knowledge of children’s development. Along the way, I have also studied sleep consultancy and postpartum professional care. I completed the RIE Foundations course (Resources for Infant Educarers), which underpins my early childhood care philosophy. I am finishing my Infant Massage Instructor studies, as well as Antenatal and Postnatal Teaching studies these days.
I bring my hands-on experience and studies to my work with twin families in various capacities. Whether it’s postpartum support, sleep consultation, or managing challenging twin behavior, my philosophy and practice guide my work with each family, and I always offer a holistic support service that benefits them in many ways.
Can you share about the twin births you have experienced?
While some twin births went smoother than others, over my 15 years of working with twins I only worked with one mother who had a vaginal birth. The majority of the births that involved a planned or emergency C-section were due to risks to either one or both of the babies or to the mother’s health. The birth stories are often stressful for the mother and partner, as concerns for the babies and for her resulted in a stressed medical staff, rushed decisions to make, and limited access to the babies after birth. Sadly, most twin parents remember the twins’ birth as stressful and traumatic to some extent.
In my work with postpartum families, I prioritize making space to process all this, to help the mothers heal from their birth and access feelings they did not have time to feel due to the new duties they now have, caring for newborn twins.
Twin pregnancies can often be high-risk and include premature deliveries. How often do your clients have difficulties with their twin pregnancies, and how does that inform the early days after the twins’ arrival? How does it inform their bonding process?
All of my clients had some level of difficulty during pregnancy. Even when everything goes smoothly with the babies, the toll on the mother’s body reaches new heights during these types of pregnancies, and it can be hard to make it to “full term.” I find that medical anxiety around these pregnancies adds another layer of complexity to the family. Even when the pregnancy goes well, stress over what could or might happen keeps the parents anxious. When we are stressed, we produce cortisol and adrenaline, which aren’t pregnancy-friendly hormones. They can thus make the birth and bonding process more anxious. After birth, parents may focus on medical issues that naturally take priority and do not allow for a soft, gentle bonding process. Separating mothers and babies in the first moments, and sometimes for a long time, after birth, also impacts their bonding. When birth trauma occurs, or babies arrive very early and a lengthy NICU stay is required, bonding will look different. Both parents’ and babies’ stress and anxiety levels will rise, and oxytocin, the love and bonding hormone, can then take longer to produce.
Recovery after abdominal birth implies more bed rest, restricted movements, and longer physical recovery for the body than a vaginal birth. While mothers can understand this rationally, it can become overwhelming and emotionally draining in an already challenging situation
I do not suggest that any of this will permanently damage the bonding between the parents and the babies. Bonding is a process that takes time and can always be built and nurtured. It will look different from a spontaneous vaginal birth, but parents can find different strategies to bond with their babies until they can come home and the mother is fully recovered from the birth.
Many researches have found myriad benefits of skin-to-skin and infant massage for newborns and parents. This isn’t “just” for bonding. Skin-to-skin and infant massage increase breastfeeding rates, reduce the babies’ and mother’s anxiety and stress levels, improve the baby’s immune system and weight gain, and regulate their breathing and heart rate. All these help for a smoother transition from womb to world and help babies thrive after birth. Parents can do this to some capacity at the hospital and more frequently once back home.
Supporting the mother during recovery is paramount. Taking care of her needs and keeping her comfortable will increase her oxytocin production, which will then reduce her anxiety, help her recover, and ease her mind. Bringing the babies over to her for skin-to-skin and one-on-one time can greatly help the bonding process, and reduce both mother’s and babies’ stress levels. Partners can offer skin-to-skin and infant massage, too, which will nurture their bonding and help regulate their little ones’ nervous systems. The more you can touch your babies, the more relaxed you will feel. And if babies are physically and emotionally available for touch (which sometimes can be too stimulating for very small babies), this can have incredible benefits for their development and well-being too.
If your clients cannot, like most people, accomplish the physical act of holding both of their twins at the same time, how does this affect them as a mother? Is there ever a sense of lack of control, or fear, or guilt?
Mother’s guilt looks different for twin mothers. It is compounded. Feeling that you can’t attend to your babies when they call for you can be heartbreaking. This can be especially hard for 2nd-time mothers who may have had all the time in the world to attend to their first baby’s crying and needs. These mothers oftentimes feel an enormous amount of guilt and frustration, feeling they are not meeting their baby’s needs as they should.
Yet even for first-time mothers, it always takes time to face the twin parenthood reality of not being able to be there for your babies when you want to. Some describe this process of realization as grief. They truly grieve over the motherhood they cannot have, over everything they cannot offer. It can feel quite helpless and, yes, like losing control. Holding space for guilt, disappointment, frustration, and even anger arising during this time is vital.
For those with older children, guilt about finding time to spend with their older child/ren, maintaining their daily routine, drop-offs, pick-ups, dinner, and bedtime are all meshed with the demands of caring for two little babies.
I find that most twin mothers feel there is simply not enough. Not enough time, not enough hands, not enough rest, to meet everyone’s needs. Managing tandem breastfeeding and/or tandem settling can feel like an unattainable goal at times, which adds to the internal pressure. For some mothers, there is a real concern about not being able to nurture secure attachment because they cannot attend to their babies’ needs as quickly as they want.
If you are worried about that, I would like to assure you that you can form a secure attachment with your babies, even if they cry. Being a loving and attentive parent does not mean there shouldn’t ever be tears. Attending to your babies can take longer, but your babies’ needs will be met, and that will reassure them of your love and will help them feel secure and safe.
And, there is the pressure to breastfeed, which can add unnecessary anxiety to a new mother who might want or not want to breastfeed. Sometimes, the stress of taking care of two newborn babies will be a good enough reason not to invest more time in establishing breastfeeding, as it impacts mothers’ well-being, and it might be better to opt for formula instead (or mixed feeding). Sometimes one twin will feed well while the other won’t, and then mothers face the difficult decision of whether to continue breastfeeding at all.
All these are a lot for new twin parents to handle. My goal is to help them relax, and reduce anxiety.
Talking to someone and sharing feelings, concerns, and thoughts out loud allows for healing to start, for acceptance, and also for realizing that they are excellent, loving mothers who are doing their best. While they can’t pick their baby up at the first instance of crying, there are other ways to support and be attentive, which are just as loving and caring.
I talk with parents about the babies developing the capacity to wait, to build trust in their parents’ responses, and that they can still nurture a strong and secure attachment with their babies, even if they can’t meet their needs as quickly as they wish. It does not reflect their level of love and devotion, and they are in no way less caring because of it.
How have you been able to help them manage or overcome these feelings?
My support focuses on two aspects:
- The logistics and psychology of raising twins.
- The importance of self-care and nurturing mothers’ well-being.
The former emphasizes the sheer day-to-day demands of feeding, settling, and caring for two babies at once. I look at how to optimize the environment for practical purposes, and talk with the family about newborns’ sleep needs and patterns. I help them with tandem settling and show them effective newborn settling strategies. This helps reduce stress and anxiety by understanding how long newborns should be awake, how to help them sleep better and longer, and how to settle an unsettled newborn. This, in turn, helps them gain more control over what can otherwise be a continuous struggle of settling and re-settling and escalated crying due to fatigue and overwhelm (of both babies and mothers).
I also help parents forgo the notion of “fair and equal.” Instead of trying to give both babies exactly the same, I help them focus on giving each baby what they need. This is good practice for raising twins in general, and during postpartum it can alleviate a lot of the guilt, frustration, and stress of trying to meet everyone’s needs and maintaining things “fair” when it is not quite possible.
The latter focuses on mothers recognizing their own needs and ensuring these are also met. While postpartum isn’t exactly a fixed time frame, I like to think of it as the first weeks or months when mothers are able to stay at home with their babies and throughout the first year. That is not to suggest that after the first year, postpartum is finished. In fact, in a way, every mother is in postpartum indefinitely as she is post-birth from the moment she gives birth. The fluctuation of hormones may become more regulated after the first year, but it isn’t necessarily indicative of how mothers feel past that moment.
Acknowledging the value, and in fact, the centrality, of mothers’ well-being while recovering from birth and transitioning into motherhood, is imperative. When mothers can see that taking care of themselves isn’t selfish but necessary, there’s a shift in mentality. It allows for carving out time for their needs, feelings, and wishes.
The hormonal fluctuation can be very challenging after twin births, which is very natural. Yet the overwhelm that accompanies twin postpartum can pose further challenges for newborn mothers.
The mother may feel spread out so thin that she might believe there isn’t time or place for her needs, and she will wholeheartedly attend to everyone’s needs, except her own. The result is elevated anxiety, stress, overwhelm, frustration, anger, and many other challenging feelings that need to be addressed and attended to.
Holding space for processing these feelings, the birth experience (which oftentimes isn’t all that positive, to say the least), and hospital and NICU stay are all part of the postpartum journey.
I help mothers by holding space for them to talk about their feelings, and find time for peace and joy breaks.
Whether it’s drinking a cup of tea in silence, taking a shower, sitting outside and absorbing the sun, resting, listening to calming music, doing breathwork, or catching up on texts from friends and family — this is your time, and you’ve earned it. If you are on your own, stepping into another room and taking a few moments to breathe in and out to center yourself and then going and attending to your babies — can help you carry on during the day when things may seem endless.
There are many ways mothers can check out of their mother role for a moment or two to gain sanity and tranquility and reset their sense of self. Filling up your emotional and mental tanks is an integral part of caring for your babies. Because we have to regulate ourselves before we can help babies co-regulate. You simply cannot go on fumes and maintain your well-being without reaching burnout and elevated levels of anxiety.
Regardless of what your stressors are and what your family situation is, I tell twin mothers to focus on doing their best. Not more and not less. And doing your best doesn’t mean being perfect. Your best changes from moment to moment, from day to day, and it is what you can do emotionally, mentally and logistically at any given moment. It’s about acknowledging your availability, needs, and limitations and being kind to yourself.
You might want to do something, but you recognize that right now, you do not have the patience for that, and that is valid. You might want to do something the way you did this morning, but right now, both babies are crying, and it is not possible. You may want to tandem breastfeed because you dreamed of it, but recognizing the frustrations that it brings you right now — it might be asking too much of yourself.
This simple formula of checking in with yourself and acknowledging what is going on for you right now, helps reduce mothers’ emotional and mental overload and unrealistic exceptions of themselves. It allows them to go easy on themselves, seeing the humanity in their motherhood and accepting that they are not robots; they have needs, and they have their limits.
I help them tune in to how they feel, what they want, and what they can actually do at this particular moment. The more they do this simple check-in exercise, the better they get at listening to themselves and their needs.
In a perfect world, what do you think moms of twins need to ensure this transition into motherhood is a healthy one?
Communication is key in preparing for twins, and I talk with twin families about managing expectations. There are the things they want to do, have, and achieve, and there is what is feasible and practical. It’s important to talk about things that may not be possible, at least not right at the beginning, and what having newborn twins may require of each person in the family. Talking about alternatives, strategies to cope with fatigue and stress, and allowing the parents to process these in their own time and find a way that works for their family — can help a lot before the babies arrive.
Then, there is what is important for this particular family, and how can we make it possible? Who do they need to contact or what do they need to outsource to make their postpartum experience positive, supportive, and nurturing for the parents? For their older children? How do we prioritize everyone’s needs and ensure they aren’t asking too much of themselves?
In my conversations with expectant mothers and newborn mothers, I like to design oxytocin-boosting plans with them. I ask them to think of things that bring them peace and joy, and what helps them relax, unwind, and feel grounded. While not all these things can be done every day, setting intentions for peace breaks, however short, and making sure they have what they need at home to take care of themselves, can transform their postpartum experience.
Putting a postpartum plan in place before the babies arrive can help mitigate some conflicting desires and aspirations and ease into twin parenthood more smoothly. Making a plan after the babies have already arrived can also help the parents navigate the postpartum period with more ease, clarity of mind, and grounding steps to make sure everyone is seen, considered, and looked after.
Can you please share “5 Things You Need to Recover Emotionally and Physically After Giving Birth to Twins”?
1 . Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity. Even short “me” breaks can be incredibly potent ,so find time to take care of yourself.
2 . Do your best, not more, not less. Your best changes from day to day, from moment to moment. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge when you reach your limits.
3 . Ask for support when you need it. Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s the bravest thing you can do.
4 . Breathwork can be short and still have terrific benefits. Doing it when everything is calm or when things are chaotic — breathwork can ground you instantaneously and restore your sense of peace.
5 . Set up three goals a day (small goals absolutely count). One for yourself, one for the babies, and one for the family/household. These will give you a sense of accomplishment and a boost of positivity, which then balances the mental negative-positive scale. When we focus on finding the positive, we feel positive.
Do you find that mothers experience a shift in their sense of self with the birth of their twins?
Yes, as it happens with most births. The difference with twin births is that the sense of harmony is disturbed. Many newborn mothers describe a sense of completion, of being one with their baby (even if not right after birth). While this euphoric stage doesn’t last forever, there is a sense of peace when you embrace your baby, as you feel you give them your whole heart. A mother may take some time until she finds the lines distinguishing between being a mother and her old self in motherhood, but a twin mum has a very different experience when she transitions into motherhood. There isn’t much time for the euphoria, for extensive bonding opportunities, for finding time for yourself and your babies during the day. Things move fast, there is always something to do, and taking care of one baby isn’t on the menu because oftentimes there is another one who needs you. For that, twin motherhood can feel all-consuming, and a mother can struggle to find her sense of self in the midst of it.
It can have a strong impact on her emotional and mental well-being.
Do you have daily practices that can support twin mothers in maintaining peace, calmness, or balance?
Yes, I have 3 that can really make a difference.
- Infant massage.
While it might sound like a luxurious practice, it is, in fact, a proven method to support babies’ development and reduce parental anxiety and stress, particularly in the postpartum period. Skin-to-skin and gentle nurturing touch help newborn mothers bond with their babies and increase oxytocin production (the love hormone), which then reduces cortisol production (stress hormone). It also increases confidence and competence in partnering skills, helps parents process birth trauma, and helps babies who have been subjected to less-than-pleasant physical touch after birth due to medical interventions restore trust in loving, tender touch. For those mothers who might feel infant massage isn’t possible with newborn twins, you can introduce short increments of massage during nappy changes, after the bath, and before bedtime. While 20 minutes a day can have invaluable benefits for you and the babies, starting with only a few minutes will add up, and over time, this will bring a lot of peace and joy to the entire family.
2. One-on-one time.
This might be easier for some families than others, yet awareness of one-on-one time with each twin can start early. Giving your undivided attention to only one baby can feel unrealistic, yet it doesn’t have to be for long to have a wonderful effect. This can be during nappy changes, feeding, bathing, cuddling on the sofa, and even sitting by one baby as they lay on the mat, and then by the other. Finding time to be with just one baby can help reduce stress and anxiety by lowering the mental demands of multitasking and incessant divided attention. It allows parents to get to know each baby intimately and, therefore, better understand their particular needs, likes, and dislikes. It’s in these one-on-one moments that twin partners realize how much of a mental overload they experience, and can take a break.
3. Give each baby what they need, not the same.
A lot of stress and anxiety stem from parents’ understandable desire to keep things fair and equal to ensure that each baby gets the same as the other. While this is nice in theory, it isn’t realistic or necessary. Each baby is different, and focusing on giving each what they need will allow parents to avoid unnecessary stress and guilt. When we strive to offer each twin what they need rather than the same, not only do we foster their individual sense of identity and avoid comparisons (diffusing the twinship ties), but we also reduce internal pressure to keep things fair and equal, which can become a pain point for twin parents. As twin expert Dr. Joan Friedman (an identical twin herself and a twin mother) said, “Life isn’t fair, and twins aren’t equal,” so we don’t need to work so hard to achieve fairness and equality.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂?
I would love to sit with Dr Joan Friedman. Her work with older twins has greatly influenced my journey as a twin-oriented early childhood educator. She motivates me to do my work as well as I do and help families raise their twins with peace and joy. I would love to share with her how she has helped me improve my practice, learn more from her experience, and perhaps find a way we can support twin families together.
If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I dream of revolutionizing the twin community across the world, from pregnancy through early childhood. That is what drove me to start my business, Twinful Life. I love what I do, and I want to bring my work to as many families as I can. While I can’t be at every home myself, I strive to reach every twin family with online information, courses, seminars, and private services so they can all raise their twins with peace and joy.
How can our readers follow your work online?
My website, www.twinfullife.com, has a lot of information and resources for twin families. From blog posts, interviews and downloadable to courses and seminars — there is something there for every family.
You can also find me on:
Instagram: @twinful_life
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Smadar.TwinfulLife
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/twinful-life/
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: Nancy Landrum, MA, Relationship Coach, has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married and Love it” and “Stepping Twogether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy has been coaching couples and stepfamilies with transformative communication skills for over thirty years. Nancy is an engaging interviewer and powerful speaker. Nancy has contributed to The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Authority, Medium, Yahoo, MSN, Psych Central, Thrive, Woman’s Day magazine, and more. Nancy is the Founder of the only one of its kind online relationship solution, www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com. Nancy coaches couples across the globe in person and via Zoom. Nancy’s passion is to guide couples and families to happy lasting marriages where children thrive and lovers love for life.
Caring for Myself and My Twins: Smadar Zmirin Of Twinful Life On 5 Things You Need to Recover… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.