An Interview With Lucinda Koza
Resilience — The journey can be faster for some than others, but regardless it will feel slower and filled with a lot more waiting than you realize. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, so find the thing that helps you build resilience and stamina.
Infertility and the journey through IVF are challenges that many individuals and couples face, often accompanied by emotional, physical, and financial stress. Despite advancements in reproductive technology, the process can be isolating and fraught with uncertainty. How can we better support those navigating infertility and IVF, and what strategies can help manage the various challenges along the way? As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Breanna Hughes.
Breanna Hughes has spent her entire career as a tech executive. While she was working at a tech startup, she had a secret second job: infertility. There was a huge gap in education and a broken user experience. She saw an opportunity to leverage her experience with tech and her long infertility journey to help others by breaking down the barriers of accessing high quality fertility care.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
Thanks for having me and listening to my story! My husband and I have been together for over thirteen years and spent five of those years trying to have a baby and struggling with infertility. We suffered from multiple miscarriages, went through three rounds of IVF and four embryo transfers before having our first child in 2022 via IVF. Then, by a completely unexpected surprise, we spontaneously conceived our second child in 2023. It was these personal experiences that supported my desire to advocate for others in similar circumstances, leading to my co-founding of Bird&Be.
Describe the process of realizing you had challenges with fertility. What was the level of access to resources available to you in order to see the right doctors, run the right tests, etc?
While I didn’t know it at the time, the first sign that we may have fertility challenges came when I went off birth control. I didn’t get my period for a full year after going off birth control. I went to the doctor and she shrugged it off, but did an ultrasound just to see what may be going on. It turns out that they had seen that I had many follicles on my ovaries (a potential sign of PCOS) but they didn’t relay that information to me at the time.
Shortly after I finally got my period, my husband and I had a surprise pregnancy that ultimately ended in a miscarriage. The miscarriage was also not taken as seriously as it should have been by medical professionals, instead, discussed as something “common” and “normal” — we were told to try on our own for a year before coming back and seeking additional help.
We tried unsuccessfully for almost two years following this first failed pregnancy, then finally got a referral to a fertility clinic which we had to wait to get into. At the clinic, they confirmed the PCOS diagnosis, and recommended medicated cycles with timed intercourse while we waited to start IVF (where we live in Canada, the government covers one round of IVF but there are long waitlists for it).
We had another miscarriage while we were waiting for IVF. COVID also hit right when we were starting IVF, leading to our cycle being canceled. It wasn’t until July of 2020 that we finally got to start the process. Unfortunately for us, it was the start of another long process with a lot of additional waiting. It was almost four years before we finally started IVF from when we first started trying to have a baby!
Did you keep this realization private? If so, why?
At first we only told a select few friends about my struggle with infertility, and I was often met with the typical responses that people who have never gone through infertility provide: “Relax and it’ll happen”, “stop thinking about it”, “have you considered adopting” etc. I’m pretty sure I too had given out similar “advice” before going through the process and educating myself, so I can’t really blame them. Infertility wasn’t talked about as much as it is now, and the resources on how to support friends and family going through it just wasn’t as readily available as it is today.
It wasn’t until I started sharing my experiences on my personal social media accounts (I tweeted about my infertility to my 10,000 followers at the time and posted to my Instagram account) that all of a sudden I started finding a community of other people who were experiencing the same thing and really understood the pain of what I was going through.
I felt so much shame about the jealousy I had for other people’s pregnancy announcements, and how infertility consumed so much of my thoughts. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to learn that these feelings weren’t unique to me. While I don’t wish infertility upon anyone, it was truly life changing to find others going through it too and find a support system that gets it. I wish I had shared sooner and found my community earlier!
How much did this realization affect your sense of self, or call into question your plans for your future?
I was angry at my body. I felt like it was failing me while all these people surrounding me were able to get pregnant without any issues. I also had an incredibly hard and demanding job at the time, and four of my direct reports all became pregnant around the same time. I was trying my best to support them in their life transition, while suffering from miscarriages, canceled cycles, and to be completely honest, a lot of jealousy.
Following through with the complete process of fertility testing and treatment can be absolutely grueling for your body for what could be years. How did you cope with constant procedures, medications, hormones?
While the intrusive “what if we never have a baby” thoughts would sometimes creep in, throughout the process, I would just focus on the next step in our journey. We really treated it as a marathon, not a sprint, and would just hone in on getting through each day instead of letting the whole process overwhelm us.
We also tried to make some of the heavy moments a bit lighter. My alarm clock to remind me to do my shots was the song “Shots! Shots! Shots!” by LMFAO, I learned how to make awesome mocktails, and I really leaned on my amazing support system to help me refill my cup.
I found positivity (or what sometimes can be toxic positivity) to not work for me personally, and I rooted myself instead in realism with tapered expectations. It helped the rollercoaster to feel more like a ferry ride.
Was there a point at which you felt as if your body wasn’t your own? If so, how have you been able to reclaim it? Explain.
My reality is, after two kids, my body hasn’t felt like my own for almost a decade now and it probably won’t feel like it’s my own for quite some time. When I was going through fertility treatments and trying to repair my relationship with my body I really would cling onto the things that were within my control — for instance, I found peace and therapy in my Peloton and cycling classes. I would truly let it all out on the bike and I would sometimes cry out my frustrations during a class.
Can you please share “5 Things You Need to Navigate the Challenges of Infertility and IVF”?
- Therapy — Especially a therapist who understands grief and trauma (and a bonus if they specialize in infertility). If you have a partner, couples therapy and counseling can also be really powerful.
- Resilience — The journey can be faster for some than others, but regardless it will feel slower and filled with a lot more waiting than you realize. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, so find the thing that helps you build resilience and stamina.
- Vitamins/Supplements — I know this sounds biased, but my experience with supplements was the inspiration for why I wanted to build Bird&Be. It was expensive, confusing but such an integral part of ensuring you are putting your best eggs and sperm forward. I knew it could be a way better experience!
- Support System — Find the people who have your back and can pull you out of the dark times. I found the most incredible cheerleader in Anne Matthews (and bonus she also treated me with acupuncture which I highly recommend). It’s also okay to set boundaries and minimize contact with those who don’t.
- Doctor and Scientific-Backed Information — There is a lot of misinformation out there, and sometimes people prey on people who are in vulnerable situations. There is a lot of noise out there, so stick to what has research to back it.
A woman’s drive and desire to be a mother could be completely personal, simple, or nuanced. It could also be a bold imperative. I believe mothering and caregiving is the most essential labor toward creating a better society. Would you share what has driven you to work so hard and sacrifice so much toward this goal?
My infertility battle and all the pain I went through needed to be for something more. I love my children dearly, and I have never been more motivated and fueled by that love to help as many people as possible get a chance to grow the families of their dreams. I also want to help others avoid what I had to go through to get my children. It makes it a lot easier to leave my kids each day knowing that I’m helping people realize their own dreams of having children.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)?
Whitney Wolfe-Herd — Watching her ring that Nasdaq bell for Bumble with her baby on her hip was an inspiration!
If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I think the movement has already been started, and it’s reproductive rights and women’s health. It’s unfortunate that this even needs to be a movement in the first place, but here we are.
How can our readers follow your work online?
Follow us at http://www.instagram.com/birdbeco to get the best scientific and doctor backed information on fertility health.
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: After becoming her father’s sole caregiver at a young age, Lucinda Koza founded I-Ally, a community-based app that provides access to services and support for millennial family caregivers. Mrs. Koza has had essays published in Thought Catalog, Medium Women, Caregiving.com and Hackernoon.com. She was featured in ‘Founded by Women: Inspiration and Advice from over 100 Female Founders’ by Sydney Horton. A filmmaker, Mrs. Koza premiered short film ‘Laura Point’ at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival and recently co-directed ‘Caregivers: A Story About Them’ with Egyptian filmmaker Roshdy Ahmed. Her most notable achievement, however, has been becoming a mother to fraternal twins in 2023. Reach out to Lucinda via social media or directly by email: lucinda@i-ally.com.
Breanna Hughes Of Bird&Be On Navigating the Challenges of Infertility and IVF was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.