Bethelene Hart Of Parenting By Hart On The 5 Things Parents Can Do To Help Their Children Thrive and Excel In School
An Interview With Jake Frankel
Validate their feelings — This builds a foundation of trust. Be the safe place your child can turn to.
In order to build a foundation of safety and trust, a child’s feelings need to be validated.
I ask parents, “What is your wish for your child when they grow up?” They usually answer: they want them to be confident, successful, and good members of society. I tell them that starts now — and the first step is to validate a child’s feelings without judgment.
School is really not easy these days. Many students have been out of school for a long time because of the pandemic, and the continued disruptions and anxieties are still breaking the flow of normal learning. What can parents do to help their children thrive and excel in school, particularly during these challenging and anxiety-provoking times?
To address this, we started a new series called ‘5 Things Parents Can Do To Help Their Children Thrive and Excel In School.” In this interview series, we are talking to teachers, principals, education experts, and successful parents to learn from their insights and experience.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure to interview Bethelene Hart.
Bethelene is a Parenting & Childcare Expert with over 30 years of experience supporting families, educators, and schools across Canada. She’s worked as a Special Needs Resource Educator at the Child Development Institute, consulted with hundreds of schools and daycares, and leads workshops on emotional connection, child behavior, and relationship-based parenting. She’s also the author of The Magic Pee and Other Surprises and Ben’s Big Feelings in a Little Body — two children’s mental health books that help parents teach emotional literacy through everyday stories. Her work emphasizes building trust, validating children’s feelings, and fostering positive behaviors through empathy and understanding.
After being misdiagnosed as a child and placed in a remedial class where no one believed in her potential, Bethelene returned to school as a mature student, graduated with honors,and became the advocate she needed growing up. Today, she speaks on stages, leads workshops, and supports families with real, relatable tools that transform how we raise and connect with kids.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you a bit better. Can you share with us a bit about your “back story”?
I was in a new school and we took a test. I was misdiagnosed when I was 8 years old, based on a multiple-choice IQ test I took in class. I had no idea it was an IQ test, I decided I wanted to be done first to impress my new teacher. I randomly answered the questions. The principal called my mother to his office and told her I had scored so low, that I was deemed Mentally Retarded, which was an acceptable term at that time. My mother didn’t question the authority of the principal and I was ripped from the class I had been settling in to and deposited in what the kids in the school called, the “dummy class”. It was a remedial class with behavioral children, the misfits. I was never asked about the fateful test, nor was I told why I had been moved to the new class. All I remember is feeling shame and the subliminal message was that I was not smart. No one had expectations of me, including me. This stigma followed me through my academic school years.
Years later, I found out about this mishap when I asked my mother why I had been moved to a different class in the 3rd grade. When she told me, I was shocked and asked if that was what she thought of me. Her response was she didn’t know and just felt bad for me.
When I married and had children I wanted to parent differently. I started taking parenting classes which I loved and they gave me a new language and perspective. It helped me start healing my inner child too.
My first job working for the school board was for a Behavioral class. I understood these children and had empathy for them.
I went back to school as a mature student and graduated with honors in the field of Early Childhood Education.
I am an advocate and voice for children. I have worked with the Toronto District School Board, Child Development Institute (CDI) — a children’s mental health agency — and Humber College as a Field Supervisor for ECE (Early Childhood Education) students. I have raised four biological children and a stepdaughter, who are now grown.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
My own early life experience gave me a deep sensitivity to children who are misunderstood and labeled.
Story #1: I was called into a center because a 3-year-old boy was proving to be a handful for the staff. When I observed him, it was clear he was receiving a lot of attention — but only for negative behavior. His name was constantly being called out in front of everyone, which only escalated things.
I made two suggestions:
- Only say his name out loud using what I call observational attention.
- When correcting behavior, approach him quietly and redirect him, rather than shaming him in front of the group.
Observational attention means acknowledging a child in a neutral, non-judgmental way — filling their emotional bucket without requiring them to “earn” it. It might sound like, “I see [child’s name] building with blocks,” or “I see [child’s name] balancing on the edge of the sandbox.”
When the staff began doing this, his little face lit up. He was finally being seen — not for being “good,” but just for being himself. These two small strategies completely turned things around — not just for him, but for all the children in the class. It was a big win.
The lesson learned: When you look for the best in a child, you help bring out their best. And that shift is incredibly rewarding to witness.
Story #2: I was called into a childcare center where the staff had labeled a child as “aggressive,” and the other parents were pushing for his removal. He was just three years old.
During my observation, I noticed staff sitting close to him, shielding him from the other children. Then another child walked in, smiled, went over to the “aggressive” child, and gave him a little punch in the arm — both boys smiling. The child who initiated the punch was immediately reprimanded, and both smiles disappeared.
I asked, “Does our little guy speak, because I haven’t heard any words from him?”
The staff replied, “No, not really.”
I said, “That would be a reason to call me in. If a three-year-old isn’t speaking, that’s significant. What you’re calling aggression is more like ‘dogs at the dog park.’ He’s trying to play.”
The child’s lack of speech was making it difficult for him to connect. The constant labeling and negative responses only reinforced his behavior. I asked the staff to reframe his actions as they would for an ESL child who is learning to communicate in a new language.
The lesson Learned:
What looks like aggression is often a need not being met in the child. Negative or anti-social behavior is communication. The goal is to figure out the need — without judgment.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”?
I have more than one!
“Change a mood, not a mind.”
“Let the bad feelings out in order to let the good feelings in.”
Anything that validates a child’s feelings — without trying to talk them out of it or dismiss how they feel — allows them to build trust: both with the adults in their life and within themselves.
Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I went to my first parenting class with my 10-day-old daughter in my arms and my 3-year-old son at home. I jokingly said, “Either the 3-year-old moves out or I move out!”
I loved those classes. They gave me a new language and a deeper understanding of children’s behavior. I remember reading a quote that said, “For the parent, it will be like learning a second language, but for your child, it will be their mother tongue.”
I see that in my children today. They were raised with this philosophy — and I truly practice what I preach
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success?
I’m an encouraging person — empowering others is more important to me than being seen as the “expert.”
I have a naturally positive outlook and believe it’s important to bring that energy into both my work and personal life.
I’m also reflective; I value learning from my mistakes and always strive to grow.
Can you please share a story or example for each?
I once attended a parenting class where a mother arrived late and visibly flustered. She shared a challenge she was facing with her child. The instructor listened, and gently told her that he’d be covering material that might help, and if she still had questions afterward, she was welcome to speak with him.
Encouraging:
Over the course of the class, you could see her connecting the dots and coming up with her own solutions. After class, I complimented the instructor on how he handled the situation. I admitted that my first instinct was to offer her suggestions right away.
He responded, “I could have done that, but I would have robbed her of the opportunity to realize she could figure it out on her own.”
That was a true aha moment for me. Helping someone doesn’t mean doing the work for them — it means giving them the tools and confidence to do it for themselves. That is empowerment.
Positive:
I have an appreciation for the little things in life and that gives me a positive outlook. I consciously choose to bring a positive energy into my work and personal life. I currently work as a supply RECE teacher for the school board and am assigned different kindergarten classrooms and schools. When I go to a childcare or school, I make eye contact with the children, I smile at them, I make a connection with them. I had a principal say, “Oh, you have some spicy ones in that class”. My response, was, “I love the spicy ones!” I zero in on them and work on building a connection. I want every child who I spend time with to feel seen and heard. I make a point of connecting with the teacher too and give them positive feedback, because they don’t hear it enough!
Reflective:
I am reflective. I learned as a parent, that if I didn’t handle a situation in a way that I felt good about, I would apologize and that was modeling that we can make mistakes but take responsibility for them.
I was at a school recently and it was a chaotic class. One little boy proceeded to dump every puzzle from the shelf. I went over trying to stop him. He was so upset with me. I took a moment and reflected, maybe I misinterpreted his intention. I said “it looks like you were throwing all the puzzle pieces on the floor, but maybe you were doing something else.” He said, he was looking for a particular puzzle piece. Lesson learned!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now?
I have a couple of projects I am excited about. I have recently written and self-published two children’s books: The Magic Pee and Other Surprises and Ben’s Big Feelings in a Little Body.
They teach emotional literacy and theory for the adult but are engaging stories for children. This has been a lifelong dream, and I have many more in the works. I am setting my intention to work with a publisher; it is very hard to get your foot in the door.
I also have been selected as one of ten inspirational storytellers for an upcoming competition in July with the renowned organization Speaker Slam.
How do you think that will help people?
Parents and educators are able to learn the theory and encouraging language to use with children while reading an entertaining children’s book.
I am very excited to be a part of the Speaker Slam family. I think my story will inspire people.
For the benefit of our readers, can you tell us a bit about why you are an authority on how to help children succeed in school?
I was very fortunate to work for the Toronto District School Board for many years in Special Education, and then with the Child Development Institute, a children’s mental health agency. I consulted to schools and childcare centers. My role was to guide educators and provide skills and resources for children with any need that required additional support. In private practice, I continue to work closely with parents and educators to set children up for success.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the main focus of our interview. Can you help articulate the main challenges that students face today that make it difficult to succeed in school?
A key factor that many students are impacted by is mental health challenges. Pressure from social media and using devices causes undue anxiety, eating disorders, interruption of sleep, and concentration. If the adults in their world are anxious about world politics, finances, job stability, and relationships, or are preoccupied and not present for their kids, the children are affected as well. Some students are overscheduled, which can cause stress. Teachers may have students with varying needs that are difficult to meet while juggling to teach curriculum. If a student is struggling with social issues, it impacts their learning. Studies have shown that good social skills are a predictor of life success more than high academic success.
Can you suggest a few reforms that you think schools should make to help students to thrive and excel?
Providing teachers with the skills to address stressors that impact students’ learning and making sure the teachers feel supported as well. It goes hand in hand. Often, teachers are taught more about curriculum but very little about child development. Shaming and excluding students does not make them do better.
Every school district is different, and many may implement strategies that support children’s mental health, but that would be at the top of the list. Less use of devices and technology and more personal interaction is skill-building. Emotional connection makes a huge difference in a student’s motivation and performance. If they feel seen and validated, they are more prone to do well. The arts are undervalued; they are not frivolous.
One size does not fit all when it comes to learning styles. Providing a variety of teaching strategies helps students be active participants in their own learning.
Can you please share your “5 Things Parents Can Do To Help Their Children Thrive and Excel In School?”
1. Validate their feelings — This builds a foundation of trust. Be the safe place your child can turn to.
In order to build a foundation of safety and trust, a child’s feelings need to be validated.
I ask parents, “What is your wish for your child when they grow up?” They usually answer: they want them to be confident, successful, and good members of society. I tell them that starts now — and the first step is to validate a child’s feelings without judgment.
When a child comes to you to share something and you downplay or dismiss it, the message is that their feelings don’t matter. This applies to any age. A child falls down and cries, and is told, “You’re alright, get up,” instead of, “Oh, I see you’re upset you fell down.” An older child doesn’t make the school team, and the response is, “You can try again next time,” rather than, “I can see you’re bummed you didn’t get picked.”
You don’t have to solve the problem or fix it. Just name it and validate it. When a child’s feelings are dismissed, it can erode trust. They may not come to you with bigger problems in the future. They may hide things or lie, fearing your reaction. Worse, they may start to doubt their own feelings and stop trusting themselves.
Some children who don’t feel emotionally safe may pour themselves into school as a way to disconnect from their personal lives — because it’s something they can control. They’re praised for their drive, but at what cost?
A child’s emotional safety and trust in themselves sets them up for success in school and in life.
I learned the importance of validating feelings from a parenting class when my son was three. I started embracing the philosophy of allowing him to have his feelings without getting triggered myself.
When he was five, we picked up his friend to go to kindergarten. His buddy got in the car upset because his little brother had broken his toy. My son turned to him and said, “It must be hard when your brother breaks your stuff.” His friend let out a big sigh and said, “Yeah.” That moment of validation and empathy showed me the impact of what I had been modeling.
I’ve seen firsthand how confidence and emotional trust helped my children thrive in school — and more importantly, in life. Today, I continue to enjoy close relationships with my grown children, and they have strong bonds with each other.
My book Ben’s Big Feelings in a Little Body was inspired by my journey of accepting and honoring my son’s big emotions.
2. Foster a love of learning and play together — Put away the devices and go on adventures.
Reading to your child from an early age is key to building literacy and a love of learning. Children who are exposed to everyday outings and experiences build a stronger language and knowledge base.
It doesn’t have to cost money to expand your child’s world. Listening to music, visiting the library, riding public transit, going to a park, the waterfront, the grocery store, or an outdoor market — all of these are rich, language-building, bonding experiences.
Devices and social media hijack creativity and imagination. Boredom actually fuels creativity and internal motivation. Older children love teaching their parents things — like a new game or something they’re learning in school. Stay curious and open. When parents model interest in the world, children learn to do the same.
I once read that children who grow up in homes filled with laughter (not sarcasm or laughter at someone’s expense) are more resilient and emotionally healthy.
When my children were young, winters felt long. I had to get creative to keep them stimulated. We did all the usual things — libraries, play spaces — but one day I decided to take them to a large toy store with the agreement that we wouldn’t be buying anything. They could explore and show me things they liked to add to their “wish list.” If anyone asked for something or got upset, we’d leave.
It turned out to be a fun and favorite outing. Some days, I’d surprise them and declare it a “yes day” where they could pick something out. They appreciated those moments even more.
Delaying gratification is healthy. Research shows it’s linked to better academic success and overall happiness.
3. Allow mistakes without judgment — That’s where the learning happens.
As parents, it’s natural to want to protect our kids from pain or disappointment. But allowing them to make mistakes is a valuable gift. If they’re not shamed or judged, failure won’t feel so heavy.
Mistakes build resilience. A discouraged child might not try again, but a child who feels safe to fail will come back, maybe with a new strategy. The confidence that comes from overcoming obstacles is more powerful than never struggling at all.
Children who feel pressured to succeed — especially academically — may fear failure because they link it to losing parental approval. Of course, we want our kids to succeed, but not at the cost of their mental health.
Even with small moments: say your child insists they don’t need a coat. Instead of arguing, you can say, “Okay, if you feel cold, I have your coat.” Eventually, they’ll come ask for it. If you then say, “I told you so,” you undo all the learning. Let life be the teacher.
When my kids were growing up, we had an agreement: they could tell me anything, as long as they gave me a heads-up. They’d say, “Mom, I need to tell you something, but I’m worried you might get upset.”
Knowing they trusted me enough to share something difficult was huge. I would listen, thank them, and ask if they wanted help — or already had a plan. I didn’t rescue them or give advice unless asked. I let them lead.
Part of our agreement was that they could call me any time, no matter the hour. One time, I got a 6 a.m. call from one of my daughters. She had been drinking and didn’t feel well. I picked her up. No lectures, no scolding.
The next week, it happened again. This time, I said — lightly — “Out of curiosity, how many more of these calls do you think I’ll be getting?” She smiled and said, “This was the last one.” Life taught the lesson.
4. Know the difference between praise and encouragement — Focus on the effort, not the outcome.
I first learned the difference between praise and encouragement in a parenting class.
Praise is judgment-based. “Good job” or “Well done” are vague and place value on the end result. While praise can be positive, it’s an external reward.
Encouragement comes from the word “courage” and the French word coeur (heart). It literally means “to give courage to the heart.”
Encouragement focuses on effort, process, and presence. If a child paints a picture and asks, “Do you like it?” and you say, “Yes, it’s pretty,” that’s praise. It may lead them to constantly seek external validation.
But if you say, “I was watching you paint — you were smiling the whole time. I see red, yellow, and blue,” that’s encouragement. The message is: “I see you. You didn’t have to earn it.”
For older kids, you might say, “Wow, it looks like you put so much effort into this project,” and then follow with praise: “It’s really impressive.” The encouragement part fills them up from the inside.
When you notice your child simply for who they are — not what they achieve — you’re giving them lasting emotional fuel.
5. Show up! Be their cheerleader — It’s a privilege to witness this time in their life. Don’t miss it!
I remember being a child, watching other mothers show up to little school plays. I would stare at the door, hoping. My mother never came. Maybe she didn’t think it was important — but it was.
It matters to your children that you show up in whatever way you can. If you can’t physically be there, connect in other ways. Ask questions. Be interested. Academic success increases when parents show genuine interest — not through pressure, but through connection.
When you build a foundation of trust, your child will want you there. Be the home where your kids feel comfortable bringing their friends.
When they’re little, parents often say their kids won’t stop talking. Then they become teens — and the talking stops. But if you’ve built a history of being a good listener without giving unsolicited advice, they will keep talking.
I once asked my youngest daughter what special memory stood out from our time together. Her answer surprised me.
She said that sometimes, late at night, she’d feel hungry but was afraid of the dark. I would sit with her while she ate cereal.
“That’s your favorite memory?” I asked.
She said, “Yes, because you never made me feel bad about keeping you up.”
You never know what moment your child will remember most. Cherish it.
As you know, teachers play such a huge role in shaping young lives. What would you suggest needs to be done to attract top talent to the education field?
It is a fact that a teacher’s job is very hard and, in many places, underpaid. Obviously, better pay would help attract top talent. It’s the same in the childcare field. Kids deserve top talent, and teachers deserve to be acknowledged. Providing a welcoming environment and showing appreciation goes a long way. Supporting mental health and providing workshops on classroom strategies are also important.
It can be such a rewarding career, knowing you truly can make a positive difference in a child’s life.
Barbara Colorosa, the author of Kids Are Worth It, was a high school teacher. I was fortunate to hear her speak to a group of parents and also to a group of childcare professionals. A story she shared stayed with me. She said the kids were having an off day, and she threw her hands up and said, “We need a party!”
She wanted to change the mood. It was refreshing that she didn’t use the standard bribe — “If you do your work, we can have a party.” They didn’t need to earn it. She recognized that the energy needed a shift and a lift. They put music on and danced, and it brought everyone together.
Those are the teachers we need!
We are blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
I have been following Oprah Winfrey for years. When she had her show, you could write in to the producers with story ideas. My kids would always encourage me, saying, “Write your Oprah stories!”
I’m doing it now! She’s someone I would truly enjoy sharing a conversation with.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can follow my work and parenting insights at parentingbyhart.com, or connect with me on social media:
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Bethelene Hart Of Parenting By Hart On The 5 Things Parents Can Do To Help Their Children Thrive… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.