An Interview With Jake Frankel
Learn to love yourself. This is the core step to healing, from which everything emanates. When we love ourselves we are able to understand who we are, what we want and need to be happy, and how to serve others and our planet. We attract opportunities and people who support our goals when we love ourselves, and all our actions come from love because our energy resides there. By taking the steps to heal it becomes possible for us to love ourselves.
The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job. Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.
How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques? In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Rachel S. Ruby.
Rachel S. Ruby is an author, attorney, speaker, entrepreneur, podcaster, and divorce recovery coach. She helps people discover their true selves so they can move forward and create new lives after the trauma of divorce, and heal in body, mind and spirit. By diving deep into the self, creating a plan, taking action and establishing accountability, self love blossoms and enables healing and happiness.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I was adopted at birth and raised by loving, kind, and accepting parents. From my mother I learned how to be social and kind to people, and how to listen. From my father I learned the importance of education, intellectual stimulation and continuous learning. A bookworm growing up, I read all the time when I wasn’t going to dance class, gymnastics, or writing stories or poetry. I had a strong family support system and knew at a young age that I was blessed in many ways — a knowledge that has been at my core my whole life, especially during the darkest times (like my divorce).
I did very well in school and went to college, where I majored in Social Ecology with an emphasis in criminology, law and society. I then went to law school. Writing has always been a big part of my life since I was a child, and continues to be. It allows me to express myself in various ways and has helped light my path in life. My book Divorce to Bliss was a work of love and healing, and I am grateful to be able to help people heal after divorce.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I have so many, but lately I have been feeling this quote from Abraham Lincoln: “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” As humans we are always striving to do more, be better, get ahead and grab the prize to keep up with others. But the true goal, in my opinion, is to be authentic in our desires and aspirations so we feel joyous, make others feel good about themselves, and are able to serve all living beings and this planet.
This quote has been especially relevant to me since I divorced and did the healing work, as not only did it help guide me toward the path to experiencing joy, being present and helping others heal, but also changed many of my habits to focus on what is truly important in life. There is no time to waste sitting in a victim state and not being the best version of yourself — life goes way too fast for that.
You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.
1. Strength. Inner strength is a key ingredient of success, and I have always been a strong woman. Part of being strong involves trusting our instincts and being in tune with our mind, body and spirit. We have to keep defining ourselves in accordance with our goals, and at the same time be kind to ourselves. Being strong means you know when it is time to take breaks, reassess, or even quit something or someone. It allows each of us to realize that everything we do is an experience and a lesson — and each lesson brings us closer to our own essence and purpose.
Deciding to divorce after 27 years of marriage was the toughest decision I’ve had to make. I knew I could stay in the marriage and be unhappy and not reach my highest potential, but I called on my inner strength and my instincts despite the fear I felt, and made the decision. It was the best one I ever made.
2. Being a good self listener. Many people do not listen to what their body and soul are telling them, because we have been programmed to keep moving forward toward our goals by working hard and putting in time — we call this success. But true success happens when we listen to what the body and soul tell us we need and want. It is a skill that can be learned with patience and lots of practice, and it helps steer us in the right direction. Although culture, religion, society and familial voices may tell us to go one way, when we are able to quiet the mind and listen to what our own body and soul wants and needs, then we can pivot in a direction that feels authentic…and THAT is when true success happens.
In the last years of my marriage I suffered from several bodily pains, including a very bad right hip. I went on a vacation to Thailand with my daughter in 2019 and was worried about making it for 3 weeks with the pain I suffered. When I got off the plane in Thailand my pain was GONE. The night before I was to fly back to the states the pain returned, with a vengeance. After I left my marriage my hip pain vanished again and has never come back. It was my body’s way of telling me to stop ignoring my unhappiness and start diving into myself to find the answers.
3. Positivity. I have always been an optimist, and with age comes the wisdom to understand that good things happen when we desire, believe and expect them. Negativity is a wall that blocks the self from attracting good energy, which is the creative force that enables us to accomplish and achieve our dreams. The brain wants to give us what we want, but when we fill our minds with negative thoughts and practice unhealthy patterns we can expect more of that. While there are times in all our lives where it’s hard to be positive and know that we cannot always be so, we have to continue to strive to be more positive than negative.
Once I was close to the end of my healing journey my whole mindset had shifted, and I was able to see the beauty in everything and everyone. It was as if a veil was lifted –I had grown immensely. Of course, I am human and there are times I feel down, negative, etc., but after I allow myself to feel those emotions for a bit I know how to move on and get back to the positive mindset because healing taught me how to get there.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?
My dramatic loss and life change occurred when I left my marriage of 27 years. Some people do not think of divorce as a trauma, but it is. It uproots your life, breaks apart a couple and often a family, creates big shifts in your life journey and takes you out of your comfort zone. I spent 2 years post-divorce working on my own healing — deep, often dark work that took me to uncomfortable places and changed patterns and life in general. If you don’t do the work you can never find true happiness, as you will not know your authentic self — and that will lead to stagnation, victimhood and usually despair and unfulfillment.
Tackling something you are afraid of, which will likely make you uncomfortable, is the ONLY way to learn who you are and what you need and want moving forward. It opens your heart and grounds you. It is a truly beautiful experience. From this comes a life you could not have imagined when you were in the victim state after a terrible loss.
Once I healed and had direction and an understanding of who I am and what I wanted and needed in my new life, amazing things started happening. I attracted the right people and opportunities, and still do every day. Of course life has challenges and things are not always perfect, and in those times we need to pause and reflect on the lessons to be learned — realizing that self work is a constant — but we are better equipped to get through the tough times when we know ourselves and our path.
What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?
The scariest part for me was the unknown. When I made the decision to leave my marriage I had no idea where I would live, was concerned about supporting myself without a partner, and didn’t know if I would end up alone for the remainder of my life. I was leaving a life that was comfortable, despite my deep unhappiness, and patterns that were deeply ingrained in the way I lived. One fear I see with clients I coach is the fear of being alone after divorce, and although I actually was excited about this part I knew that at some future time I would likely want to find a partner to share my life with. Fear of being alone and fear in general of the unknown can be the hardest part of divorce, but I knew in my heart that until I cut the ties with my fears I would not be able to orchestrate a new life. In fact, I would not allow myself to even date anyone until I was 100% certain that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than have the “wrong” partner who did not provide what I needed and support my own growth (and vice versa).
How did you react in the short term?
In the short term I responded by doing what needed to be done — packing up my family home and selling so many things — in order to get it ready for sale. I did not spend time worrying about the future because that would not have allowed me to do what needed to be done. I also started walking a LOT — morning and evening, and this was one of my outlets. It was my time to think and plan, and it felt good to get outside and move my body. I did not want to sit and brood. So by doing what needed to be done in that present moment I was able to really ground myself. In this time I realized that I was going to be ok — I couldn’t believe otherwise if I wanted to move forward…and this was how I went about everything, from finding a place to live to healing my body, and reconnecting with my spirit.
After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?
As mentioned, I did a lot of walking. This accomplished 2 things — it allowed me to be outside in the fresh air and provided exercise. This was a saving grace. I also reconnected with my spirituality by making meditation and journaling a daily practice, and continuing my yoga practice — these allowed me to stay calm and focused. I changed the way I ate; although I had always considered myself a healthy eater I cut out processed sugar COMPLETELY. This was a game changer. I also did not drink any alcohol (but had not done so for years). My diet became a work of art, and I felt the way my body responded to what I was putting into it. The nutrient-dense foods allowed me to feel better physically (and lose 20 pounds — which was never the goal but was a nice benefit) and to think more clearly.
I learned to say “no” when I did not want to participate in something, and this was part of my mission to be more mindful in general and put “me” first, staying attuned to how I felt and what I wanted to do or not do. I took time every day to relax and I stopped watching TV completely (but for an occasional movie). I stopped listening to music that was not inspirational, and I danced almost every day in my living room. I aligned myself with a strong support network and let some people go who brought negativity into my life, and I learned to embrace acceptance and focus on the present instead of the past or future.
Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?
One never lets go of a divorce and the sadness it brings. My marriage was a huge part of my life — over half of it. I had a partner and raised 2 beautiful humans, celebrated and cried, went through good and challenging times. I will always love my former spouse for those things, as they contributed to the person I am today.
As for the negative aspects of the divorce — the fear and uncertainty — I turned those into my superpower. I felt the sad and scary feelings (we must do this) and did a lot of crying, and at some point I realized that it was time to start moving forward. It was like shedding a skin. I started planning my new life and it felt good, so I kept my focus on what I needed and wanted. Taking baby steps is necessary when it comes to healing and moving on, and rewarding oneself when you accomplish something, however small, is important.
In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.
Journaling was a huge help and part of my healing journey, because on those days when I felt like maybe things were not progressing as I’d hoped, it helped me to get difficult feelings off my shoulders — almost as if I was releasing them onto the pages. On the days where something good happened, especially something I had been working on, I also wrote that in my journal. It is amazing looking back at the ups and downs and realizing that you are actually making progress.
Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?
As I mentioned above, there were many things I did to help create this shift within my body, mind and spirit.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?
I don’t feel there was one particular person to whom I am grateful — there were a handful of people who checked in on me and were there for me when I needed them — they know who they are. The interesting thing is that you learn who truly loves you when you go through difficult times, and who you want to keep around as you leave the chrysalis and spread your wings.
Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?
Yes! My healing journey enabled me to become even stronger, to blossom into the person I needed to become, and to love myself. I did this via the methods I have mentioned above, and by learning to tweak my mindset to focus on the positive and on what I envisioned for myself. By living with a positive and authentic mindset and opening my heart to make all my decisions from love, I was and continue to be able to bring into my life that which I desire. This enables me to use my experience to help others do the same…it is truly a beautiful circle.
What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?
The entire divorce and healing experience reinforced some things I knew and others I had forgotten about myself: that I am strong, capable, deserving, creative, driven, grounded, joyous, adaptable, authentic, and grateful every moment of every single day. I learned to take each challenging situation and see it not for the negative aspects, but to find the good in it and/or the lesson that I need to learn so I can keep moving forward.
One example from healing journey that I had to really work hard on was to let go of false labels that caused me to question myself. In the later years of my marriage I had been told that I was incapable of being intimate. I knew in my heart that this was untrue, but it haunted me as I started healing when I thought of a potential future partner. I wanted to be able to be with someone, not just sexually but on the same page when it came to the heart. I had to really work on this and re-teach myself that I am capable of love and intimacy with another human being. In time I met a wonderful man who became my partner, who appreciates me as a human being capable of love, and finds no fault in my ability to share my life with him. I attracted him to me because I healed myself and discarded past false judgments.
Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.
1 . Learn to love yourself. This is the core step to healing, from which everything emanates. When we love ourselves we are able to understand who we are, what we want and need to be happy, and how to serve others and our planet. We attract opportunities and people who support our goals when we love ourselves, and all our actions come from love because our energy resides there. By taking the steps to heal it becomes possible for us to love ourselves.
I always thought I loved myself, but until I went through divorce and started healing I did not realize that was untrue. While I didn’t hurt myself or take bad care of myself physically, I did not listen to all the signs that were telling me I was unhappy in my marriage — I ignored them even though there were so many — both physical and emotional. I believe I was afraid to start diving into what I was feeling and why, because it I feared it would uproot my life and take me out of my comfort zone. Once I finally started listening and doing the work, amazing things started to happen and I felt more connected to myself than ever before.
2 . Feel the feelings. It is so important to acknowledge the feelings you have and to let yourself actually feel them. Many of the feelings will be negative — hurt, sadness, anger, and fear –but it is normal and ok to feel our feelings. We must express them, verbally and in writing, because if we suppress them we retain negative energy in our bodies, which will keep up stagnant. Take time for this and know that in doing so, you will be able to move forward. You may always feel these feelings when you think of your divorce down the road, but you will be able to move on when you choose to feel rather than ignore.
I felt a great sadness about leaving my marriage, and I let myself grieve. I cried and looked at photos, and I walked through my home before I moved out and pictured all the years and memories held in the walls of each room. I also wrote everything I felt in my journal. I had to do these things so I could the focus on the present and what I was going to do and work on next. It is so cathartic to let the feelings out, and it clears the mind so you can start moving forward.
3 .Change your mindset. Changing the mindset is a game changer to creating your new life after divorce because it shifts your energy. It allows you to build a future and, more importantly, to set in motion the rest of your life. As humans we will always have ups and downs, and the downs can’t always be avoided. But if we learn to express our feelings and also switch to an abundance mindset we will be able to achieve the dreams we have identified. Optimism and positivity instill good energy within, and that tells the brain and the universe that you are ready for the good things you are manifesting.
Once I started working on my mindset I literally felt lighter. Pains started to leave my body, I slept better than I had in years, and I started to feel happier. In fact, there were so many times I started laughing out loud for the sheer joy of being here!
4 . Let out your inner child. When we suffer we tend to cage our inner child. This is the part of us that loves to play and be carefree. Stress and unhappiness usually make us so serious, and if we live in those states for a long period of time it can start to effect our bodies, minds, and spirits. Letting out the inner child means to have fun, experience new things — be childlike. Find things to do that you enjoy — dance, draw, paint, cook, visit a beautiful place. Open your eyes and marvel like a child would. It feels invigorating and creates a beautiful energy within.
I didn’t realize how stoic I had become in the last years of my marriage — my poor inner child had been locked in a closet and I rarely let her out. After my divorce I moved into my new home and I started dancing every night in my living room, laughing with friends and finding fun things to do. I couldn’t believe the change in my mindset and the way I felt in general — I had no idea that I need that so desperately. Now when I feel any stress I will find something fun — it always helps.
5 . Move and nourish the body. One of the most important parts of healing is taking care of the body. This comes from routine movement — walking, running, exercising, yoga, swimming, dancing…whatever feels good. Do this daily as it will lessen stress and negative feelings and release feel-good hormones. Nourishment is also a key part of healing — put whole foods and organic vegetables and fruits into your body. Cut out alcohol, sugar, processed foods and oils (except olive and avocado oils). Your body is your temple, so the better you take care of it, the smoother your healing process. When we eat healthy we feel better, so if you have a hard time doing this on your own find a good nutritionist.
Food and exercise were a HUGE part of my healing journey, and have remained so. I listen to my body and what it needs, and I am very conscious of what I put into it. I never consider my eating habits a “diet,” because that implies that I am denying myself. Instead, it is a way of life that leads to health, clarity and joy.
It is important to note that healing often requires help, as it can feel overwhelming to accomplish solo. If we feel stressed trying to heal we will likely give up, so find a person who will help you make a healing plan. It will take a lot of pressure off you to be guided through the healing process, and also to have someone to hold you accountable. Therapists and coaches are a good place to start, and I encourage you to look into different types of healers to find the one who most resonates with your goals and learning style.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
I would inspire everyone to be kind to themselves when they are facing tough circumstances. It starts with understanding who you truly are at your core. Life is too short to stay in situations or be around people who do not support our growth and happiness, and once we find these we can then give back to others.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. 🙂
It would be an honor to sit down and have a conversation with Drew Barrymore. She was very vocal when she went through her divorce and we have much in common. I love her authenticity and how open she was with her own story, and I feel it likely helped many people.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Website: https://rachelsruby.com/
Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@DivorceHealingNetwork/podcasts
Everything else (including a free downloadable report): https://linktr.ee/rachelsruby
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Author Rachel S. Ruby On 5 Things You Need To Heal After A Dramatic Loss Or Life Change was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.