An Interview With Wanda Malhotra
Create a recovery team/support system. For me early on, having friends in AA, a sponsor, and a therapist was a lifesaver. Knowing I was not alone and others were going through or had already gone through similar messes felt supportive and comforting, as well as helping me not contact people who were not good for me to be around.
In a world where the journey towards sobriety is often challenging and deeply personal, understanding the pathways and strategies for achieving and maintaining sobriety is crucial. This series aims to provide insight, encouragement, and practical advice for those who are on the road to recovery, as well as for their loved ones and support networks. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Michael Swerdloff.
Michael Swerdloff has been a Counselor, Coach, Social Worker, Community Organizer, Educator, Writer, DJ, and Reiki Master for over twenty-five years. He laughs often, hugs deeply, and practices meditation, Reiki, yoga, and dance daily. His memoir, Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters: From Mobster to Reiki Master, was launched in October of 2024! Michaelswerdloff.com.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
I grew up in a pretty violent home in NJ. My mom loved me dearly. My father cheated on my mom with dozens of women until they got divorced when I was ten. My older brother was the violent one. He used me as his practice model for expressing his rage. He spent significant time in jail, prison, and a federal penitentiary. He became a strong-arm in the mob after prison. I was a kind, thoughtful, and caring child, and by my teen years, most of those attributes had disappeared. Drugs, alcohol, crime, and violence replaced most, if not all, of my endearing qualities. I ended up in a mental hospital while in recovery in 1989. Meditation soon followed, which charted my course forward, which included Reiki in 1995. I have practiced meditation and Reiki every day since! This September, I celebrated thirty-five years sober; it’s amazing!
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
I was meeting with a new couple for the first time for couples counseling. They had been living separately for the past six months and wanted to give it a try again. About twenty minutes into our session, while still gathering information about them, I noticed they kept sharing about how many kids in the neighborhood would hang out at their house often, even though they did not have kids. I asked them what I thought was a fairly simple question, but the answer was not simple.
“You both seem to love kids a lot; I am curious why you have none of your own?”
There was a hesitation, and everything stopped in the room. I was running through possible issues in my head, and then the man spoke softly.
“My wife has a really intense and important job that requires a lot of time and focus. She is even the VP of the company now. It has never been the right time to have kids because she is not home enough.”
I looked at her, making eye contact. “Is this true?”
She had tears in her eyes and could barely breathe. “No. My husband drinks too much, and I have been afraid to tell him that I am worried if we have a baby while he is drinking, something awful might happen. So, I have lied to him all these years because I thought he might freak out if I told him.”
He fell into tears, slowly and gently got up from his chair, and stood behind her, stroking her hair and crying.
“I had no idea. I am so sorry! I will stop drinking today if that is what is needed for us to work things out and become parents.”
We discussed all of this for the rest of their session. They left openhearted, holding hands. She called me the next week, thanking me for what I did, and said they were doing great. She was pregnant two months later, and they sent me baby pictures later that year!
You are a successful individual. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Relentless — I seem to be able to adapt and move forward consistently when faced with significant obstacles. Such as completing a four-month solo silent retreat, backpacking in the Gobi Desert of Mongolia, a rare physical condition that prohibited being able to walk without a cane for several years, plus personal challenges internally and externally.
Resourceful — I find inspiration and motivation when struggling to create new and different ways to survive and thrive. For example, when I was experiencing the physical challenges mentioned above, I shifted my work from being part of a non-profit organization to starting a private practice of counseling, coaching, and Reiki so I could manage my hours and physical limitations. I invested the time and energy to learn to build a website and SEO marketing to set myself up for success.
Spiritual Discipline — I have been incredibly grateful that I have practiced meditation and Reiki daily since the mid-90s! Along the way, other practices like Qigong, Yoga, and dance/movement have been part of my daily practices, but I have stayed true to the commitment regardless of what is happening in my life. I have experienced trauma on many levels earlier in life and recognize that attending to my spiritual practices is essential for my ability to excel in life.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
Yes! I have been promoting and working on getting my memoir, Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters, which I self-published in October of this year, into people’s hands. I am currently recording the audiobook of this book.
The book is about recovery, healing from trauma, and healthy masculinity. It will help men understand what thought processes, patterns, and behaviors we do that are harmful and create a lack of safety in the world for girls and women. It will help women understand why violent men do what they do and that men can change, but it is not a quick process; it takes a lot of work to reprogram our thought patterns.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. How would you advise individuals who are contemplating the journey to sobriety but might be hesitant or unsure about taking the first step? Are there key considerations or strategies that can make this initial phase more manageable?
Please consider that you might not get another opportunity to make this decision. If things get worse, as they typically do, you might lose your ability to make clear-headed decisions. The longer we wait, the harder it is to make the first step and sustain our efforts.
As scary as it may sound, bring the people that love you into the process. The more love and support we receive early on makes a significant difference. In addition, it helps them know what’s going on with you. Humility is so important. We have to push past our ego, and it’s need to make everybody think things are OK and that we can do it on our own. Also, take a daily multivitamin/mineral supplement, drink lots of water, and try your best to eat nourishing foods; it helps your brain and body stay functional, and every bit helps.
Sobriety often comes with its unique set of challenges. Can you share insights on how individuals can effectively navigate obstacles or triggers that may arise during their journey? Are there specific tools or support systems that you find particularly helpful in overcoming these challenges?
Please take your time with adding new things and people into your life at the beginning that are NOT part of your recovery system. If you need to miss a few family gatherings to take care of yourself, they will understand if you stay sober. I had to miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, my first year sober. It was hard, but I made it through the holidays.
Be honest with yourself about who you can socialize with and what your motivations are for hanging out with them. You may have a sense of urgency to prove to them and yourself that you can still “be you”; this is the ego, and it’s not working in your best interest.
Creating a support system is huge. Ask people who have experience with recovery, not family members, if they are willing to be emergency contacts when you are struggling. Again, not friends and family unless they are in recovery or have professional experience with recovery. They are too attached and rarely can be supportive when they are afraid you might start drinking again. Keep your circle small outside of people in the recovery community for at least the first year.
Maintaining sobriety is a long-term commitment. From your experience, what are the essential factors that contribute to the sustained success of individuals on this journey? Are there lifestyle adjustments or mindset shifts that prove crucial for the ongoing pursuit of sobriety?
Taking care of your mind and body is essential, even if it is messy and imperfect. Slow everything down, like everything. Your instinct may be to catch up on everything you missed out on, but take your time.
It really is about surrounding yourself with a good support system who understands recovery, being consistent in whatever your recovery plan is, meetings, therapy, groups, exercise, meditation, journaling, nature, naps, etc. You don’t have to reinvent the recovery wheel. There are many systems available now; find one that works for you and stick to it.
Recovery is not a race; you can’t win by doing more or doing it faster. It may take several years to create a stable, structured life. Consistency and structure are your friends.
It may take several years to regain the trust of those you’ve hurt. Please be patient with them not trusting you and your development. Chances are good that you have proven to them that your word Is not trustworthy. Let them slowly regain trust over time. Besides, their lack of trust can often be a motivational force for us to do what we need to do.
Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Begin, Navigate, & Sustain Sobriety”?
1 . Create a recovery team/support system
For me early on, having friends in AA, a sponsor, and a therapist was a lifesaver. Knowing I was not alone and others were going through or had already gone through similar messes felt supportive and comforting, as well as helping me not contact people who were not good for me to be around.
2 . Determine who can be supportive of the people already in your life and bring them closer.
Most of my family and friends were not supportive of me and my process. My mother adapted and became part of what I was doing fairly quickly. It was great having somebody I knew to connect with and talk about what I was going through.
3 . Consistency and structure are what will keep you moving forward till you are stable, grounded, and emotionally solid.
Consistency and structure were two attributes that I did not have, and they were necessary. I was one of those people who would do the opposite if somebody told me what to do. If there were a plan in place, I would do anything BUT the plan. Thankfully, I listened and took direction. I did so even without trusting the people offering guidance and direction; it is part of the process.
4 . Have at least one recovery professional as part of your team. They will keep you focused on your recovery and offer you a perspective without attachment or taking your choices personally.
I was an incredibly skillful liar and con artist. I needed someone in my life who could see through my lies and bullshit. My therapist did this constantly. She also was helpful in not letting me get too tangled up in stuff that didn’t matter as distractions from my sobriety. She taught me a lot about myself, my patterns, and my recovery in spite of myself.
5 . Don’t use your recovery as a weapon to manipulate people in your life. It will backfire, and you will regret it. And they will not trust you or your word moving forward.
I would sometimes use “my sobriety” as an excuse to manipulate people to do what I wanted because they were afraid to challenge me, thinking I might get drunk. It worked effectively, but I was not being honest with them or myself. I knew I was lying, and this was troubling for me since recovery is about honesty. If they figured out I was lying, this would create more distrust.
Community support plays a vital role in the journey to sobriety. How can individuals find and engage with supportive communities or resources that align with their specific needs and goals? Are there online platforms, local groups, or initiatives that you recommend for fostering a sense of connection and understanding during this process?
This may sound crazy, but it doesn’t matter what program or system you utilize to stay sober; it is more important that you do it with all you have for at least the first year.
The one caveat is to be super careful with a system that supports using other forms of recreational drugs while sober, like cannabis or mushrooms. It makes the process significantly harder, even though it appears to make it easier. It is challenging to try to retrain the brain to not depend on substances to mask your feelings, offer instant gratification, and rely on yourself and others if you are still looking for another “thing” to do that for you. It is a mixed message for your system, and your neural pathways will not know how to respond healthily.
Step outside your comfort zone when meeting new people in recovery programs. Look for the people who have a light in their eyes and color on their skin, not the ones who look like the people you are trying to move away from. Find people with joy and peace in their eyes.
Have at least one of your recovery teams be in person, whether it is a therapist, counselor, group, etc. See a real person or people who are doing what you are doing or are professionally committed to your well-being.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
I post all kinds of info on my website regarding recovery, relationships, mental and physical health, spirituality, and life in general.
Michaedlswerdloff.com
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
Author Michael Swerdloff On How to Begin, Navigate, & Sustain Sobriety was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.