An Interview With Lucinda Koza
Establish your north star and set your focus on that. A north star is that person or thing upon which you can focus your energy and effort so when you get discouraged, you don’t lose your way. For me, that was my faith. I believe that God answers all prayers. Throughout the process, I had to remind myself of the seemingly random moments that I believed were not actually random but God-inspired. For instance, I did not believe it to be coincidence that I made that promise to my mom. Another example was when my husband and I were dating, to show me how serious he was about our relationship, he bought me a baby bib. I chose to believe that God had placed that idea in his heart to support our faith when we would need it the most.
Infertility and the journey through IVF are challenges that many individuals and couples face, often accompanied by emotional, physical, and financial stress. Despite advancements in reproductive technology, the process can be isolating and fraught with uncertainty. How can we better support those navigating infertility and IVF, and what strategies can help manage the various challenges along the way? As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jocelyn Jackson Williams.
For the past 15 years, as a Certification Trainer for the Grief Recovery Institute, Jocelyn has been helping people heal from devastating loss and heartbreak. As a life coach, she is thrilled to support people to reveal what’s most important to them and, as a result, live the life of their dreams.
Jocelyn has a background in consulting for couples and churches. Her areas of focus are team-building and couples support utilizing the tools of the DISC personality profile and Fierce Conversations program.
Her overarching desire is to help people have a conscious awakening of their true self. She is currently working on curriculum specific to people who feel disconnected from their faith community and would like to reconnect in a loving, trusting way; single women over the age of 40 who wish to be in a committed relationship; African-Americans who feel unsettled in this country and wish to restore a sense of safety and increase peace and joy in their daily lives.
As a published author, you can find a sample of her writing in the book Grief Dialogues. Her other musings are available on her blogspot at jocelynjacksonwilliams.com and in her monthly column with the Sacramento Observer. You can find her on the following socials: IG, TikTok, & Threads @jocelyn_takes_on.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
Thank you so much for having me! This is a topic very close to my heart so I am excited to share my experience hoping that it will encourage women and men on this journey.
Here is a bit of my backstory. I was single for most of my twenties and thirties. By the time I turned forty, I needed to deal with the unrealized dream I had of having a family. There was something about turning forty that felt different than the previous decades. I never stressed myself with the concept of a ticking biological clock. Nonetheless, I fell into a funk.
Through the help of a therapist, I was able to identify that from the age of 10, I had created an emotional relationship with the dream to be a mom. My mother told me that she couldn’t have any more children after me, but she wanted to have a son and name him Jonathan. So, I made a promise to her that when I got older, I would have a son and name him Jonathan. I did not consciously think about that promise growing up, but that dream nonetheless lived inside me. And upon turning 40, I discovered that promise I made to my mother was the source of my grief. Using the Grief Recovery Method, I addressed emotions around wanting to be a mother and expecting to have had a family by that age.
I got married at the age of 45 and we immediately started trying for a family. I assumed I was going to get pregnant on our wedding night. That was not the case. After months of trying, I started to see that this might not be easy at all for us.
Describe the process of realizing you had challenges with fertility. What was the level of access to resources available to you in order to see the right doctors, run the right tests, etc?
For the first few months, I was shocked that I wasn’t getting pregnant. And then one month, my expectations shifted; I expected to not be pregnant. We had every test run under the sun and the only issue we discovered was that both my husband and I were both sickle cell carriers. We had no idea! So now we were now faced with an even bigger decision. Do we continue to try to get pregnant knowing that there is a 25% our child will have a debilitating disease?
This is when we started to look into IVF because the genetic screening involved would let us know if our child would have the disease or instead be a carrier like we were. I called every facility within 100 miles; they all had months-long waiting lists. It was an extremely frustrating experience because due to my age, they spoke to me as if I was a human statistic. We needed individualized care beyond their protocols.
My husband had a close friend in the medical field who did some research on our behalf and suggested we reach out to the UCSF Center for Reproductive Health. We loved our endocrinologist. Even though she was supportive of our efforts to get pregnant, she tried very hard to get me to use donor eggs. I didn’t feel that was the route for me. I wanted to try using my own eggs. The doctor told us because she was encouraged by our faith that she was willing to go to the Board and get permission to undergo treatment because their cut off age for treatment was 46 and I was already 47.
Did you keep this realization private? If so, why?
Not at all. All my life, I had conditioned myself to hide my grief. After all the work I’ve done using the Grief Recovery Method, I knew I had to talk about it no matter how painful, no matter how uncomfortable. One thing I teach in my grief recovery trainings is that when we are grieving, there is a tension we all navigate. We either navigate the tension of pretending everything is okay when it’s not; or we navigate the tension of telling the truth about our situation knowing we may not get the response we hope for, even worse, that person may disregard our feelings or judge us. At this point in my life, I was very practiced in navigating the tenstion that comes with telling the truth about yourself, so I told friends and colleagues. I also blogged about my experience to avoid the temptation to suppress my emotions.
How much did this realization affect your sense of self, or call into question your plans for your future?
I can’t say that it affected my sense of self. I remember being single and being told that my stock as a viable wife option was decreasing with each year I got older. I always thought that was nonsense. I have never attached my sense of worth as a woman to my age or my desire to become a mom. It wasn’t a matter of my womanhood. For me, it was a matter of whether God was going to answer my prayer and make this dream come to fruition. When I was struggling to find medical support, I found peace in the thought that God was the only Person that could tell me no. Now we were at that crossroads.
Following through with the complete process of fertility testing and treatment can be absolutely grueling for your body for what could be years. How did you cope with constant procedures, medications, hormones?
Listen! We were dedicated!! Our doctor’s office was a two-hour drive, one-way, with no traffic. Maybe because just getting to the doctor’s office was such a task, it set the right attitude for me. We were aware of the tremendous privilege we had to be seen and treated. That put all the shots and appointments in perspective. That being said, the routine schedule of administering shots wasn’t always easy. We had two unsuccessful rounds of IUI; my husband gave me all those shots and he would light a candle and play John Coltrane to give him the peace of mind to be able to do so. However, when we switched to IVF, the shots got bigger, and I ended up having to give those shots to myself. More challenging than administering the shots though, was scheduling my life around when the shots needed to be done. I will never forget going out for a movie night with a group of friends and having to give myself a shot in the movie theater bathroom.
Was there a point at which you felt as if your body wasn’t your own? If so, how have you been able to reclaim it? Explain.
Throughout the process of trying to get pregnant, I didn’t have that experience. I felt like everything that was happening was in support of my dreams becoming a reality. All the no’s I heard along the way strengthened my resolve and I chose to believe that everything and everyone was conspiring to my benefit. My faith kept me going.
Can you please share “5 Things You Need to Navigate the Challenges of Infertility and IVF”?
1 . Establish your north star and set your focus on that.
A north star is that person or thing upon which you can focus your energy and effort so when you get discouraged, you don’t lose your way. For me, that was my faith. I believe that God answers all prayers. Throughout the process, I had to remind myself of the seemingly random moments that I believed were not actually random but God-inspired. For instance, I did not believe it to be coincidence that I made that promise to my mom. Another example was when my husband and I were dating, to show me how serious he was about our relationship, he bought me a baby bib. I chose to believe that God had placed that idea in his heart to support our faith when we would need it the most.
If things didn’t work out, I would have to deal with that heartbreak when the time came. With every roadblock, with every time someone showed me a graphic of how no one my age has a successful pregnancy, with every time I wondered if I was delusional, I would reset to the same resolve that my faith was real.
2 . Advocate for Yourself
I remember meeting with a geneticist who was not supportive of me undergoing IVF. In our first meeting, she told me that I was wasting my money on something that had little to no likelihood of happening. We had a few subsequent phone calls where she would remind me that my chances were slim. On one particular call, she doubled down by starting every comment she made with, “Since this probably isn’t going to work out for you….”
I didn’t want to spend the remainder of the IVF process overcoming the doubts she was trying to plant so I called my doctor and requested a different geneticist. I was told that she was the entire genetic department except for an assistant who was recently hired. I requested that I be that assistant’s first patient, and they honored that request. I was able to complete that IVF cycle with a fully supportive team and it made a big difference with the emotional load I was carrying.
3 . Create a support team.
It was important to me to have as much encouragement as possible. Many people prayed for us. Others would text or call. One unexpected source of support came from the people I trained to be certified to use the Grief Recovery Method. Participants are required to do personal work and as their trainer, I led the way by sharing my experience of navigating infertility. Months after their training was completed, participants would reach out to me to let me know I was in their thoughts and prayers. I was grateful for those unexpected moments of encouragement because it reminded me that I’m not alone on this journey.
4 . Do things you enjoy.
If I had to do it all over again, I would have put more effort into activating joy in my life. It is so easy to get caught up in the to-do’s: appointments and administering shots and eating right…that life becomes a chore. It’s a good thing to remember that in our daily routines, there is also the opportunity to experience beauty and joy around us in the midst of the disappointment and longing. If I had to do it over again, I would have read more and taken more bubble baths. I believe the mind/body connection is real. That being the case, it is important to engage in as many activities that elicit joy inside us. This is not a distraction from the realities of life but a contribution to your health.
5 . Explore all the things that are within your control.
It can be easy to get discouraged by all the things outside of your control. The best antidote I’ve found for discouragement is to reset my focus on the things that are with my control. I knew there were physical, mental, and spiritual matters that I could attend to. Physically, I switched to an anti-inflammatory diet and got acupuncture treatments. Mentally, I used the Headspace app to practice mindfulness, breathing, and meditation every day; sometimes I spent no more than five minutes in any given day, but I made sure to do it regardless of how short of time I had. Spiritually, I prayed and reminded myself that God knows my situation, He cares about what I’m going through, and He will provide an answer. And if that answer happened to be ‘no’, He would provide a way for me to navigate my way out of the heartbreak.
A woman’s drive and desire to be a mother could be completely personal, simple, or nuanced. It could also be a bold imperative. I believe mothering and caregiving is the most essential labor toward creating a better society. Would you share what has driven you to work so hard and sacrifice so much toward this goal?
You’re right, it’s such a personal journey. For me, my emotional relationship with being a mother started when, as a child, I told my own mom that I wanted to have a son. So, it started with a promise. Just like I had to have faith that I would someday get married, I had to utilize that same faith that I was meant to have a family as well. I didn’t want to live with regret. If I gave up, I would have to live with the recurring thought of “what if.” The payoff was worth the investment. If I had gotten to a place in my infertility journey where it appeared absolutely impossible to conceive, I was ready to cross that bridge as well. But I was determined to keep trying up until that point.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)?
I would say Taraji P. Henson. I ran into her at a plant nursery in Burbank one time. She smiled at me, but I chose not to introduce myself thinking I would be bothering her. I would love a second chance to connect. She’s done so much work in the past few years as a mental health advocate. I would love to have a conversation about life, career, and purpose.
If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
A movement that I would love to start is one whose ultimate end causes us to love ourselves and one another more deeply. We would all learn how to be critical thinkers and practice using our minds this way on a consistent basis. We would forgive one another to the extent that we have compassion for them. We would be aggressive in our efforts to heal from grief, pain, and heartbreak. We would be a source of encouragement and support for one another. You know how people mock the beauty pageant contestant’s answer of “world peace?” Well, I agree with that answer. This is how I see that coming to fruition.
How can our readers follow your work online?
For my socials (IG, TikTok, and Threads): jocelyn_takes_on
I write a monthly column for the Sacramento Observer called Jocelyn Takes On; if you go to their website and enter my first name in the search bar, my columns will appear. I also keep my blog going at jocelynjacksonwilliams.com. Go there and you can sign up for my newsletter to keep up to date with what’s coming up on the horizon.
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
Thank you! When I started blogging about my infertility journey, a friend reached out and said it inspired him and his wife to continue in their journey. I am grateful to keep the conversation and encouragement going.
About the Interviewer: After becoming her father’s sole caregiver at a young age, Lucinda Koza founded I-Ally, a community-based app that provides access to services and support for millennial family caregivers. Mrs. Koza has had essays published in Thought Catalog, Medium Women, Caregiving.com and Hackernoon.com. She was featured in ‘Founded by Women: Inspiration and Advice from over 100 Female Founders’ by Sydney Horton. A filmmaker, Mrs. Koza premiered short film ‘Laura Point’ at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival and recently co-directed ‘Caregivers: A Story About Them’ with Egyptian filmmaker Roshdy Ahmed. Her most notable achievement, however, has been becoming a mother to fraternal twins in 2023. Reach out to Lucinda via social media or directly by email: [email protected].
Author Jocelyn Jackson Williams On Navigating the Challenges of Infertility and IVF was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.