It took me almost 40 years to learn that I don’t need to compare myself to others because my brain works differently from others. I don’t have to live the life we’re told we should, and my gut instinct is always right.
As part of my series about “authors who are making an important social impact”, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jessica Whalley.
Jessica Whalley’s powerful new book, The Autistic Mom, sheds light on her deeply personal journey as an autistic and ADHD mother raising a nonverbal autistic son. This candid, compelling book is a must-read for parents of neurodivergent children, adults navigating their own neurodivergence, and anyone interested in understanding autism and ADHD more deeply.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I was born into a relationship that suffered from domestic violence and was subsequently raised by my mother as a single parent until I was 5, when she married my stepfather. My mum and I never had a ‘typical’ mother-daughter relationship, and I didn’t have a good relationship with my stepfather right from the start, even at such a young age. Now, as an adult, I realize I have very strong intuition, and I believe this was the case at that time as well, as their marriage was difficult and unhappy. It ended almost 20 years later — too late and several years after I had been asked to leave the family home, being given the choice between him or me.
It wasn’t a happy childhood. I was lonely and never shown any love at all, either verbally or physically.
Now, knowing my diagnoses (of ASC and ADHD), I think they played a role in how I always felt like the outsider — both at home and with my peers. I didn’t fit in anywhere.
When you were younger, was there a book that you read that inspired you to take action or changed your life? Can you share a story about that?
I have always loved reading from a very young age. Like many people who have struggled as children, books were my escape and allowed me to dream of a different life. I also have the ability to read very fast, so I got through a lot of books. Charles Dickens, Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl — one book that particularly stands out for escapism is The Swiss Family Robinson by Johann David Wyss. I loved the close-knit family and the detail of the adventures they had — it was magical.
In recent years, I’ve bought all the box sets of these stories and read them to my son every night, which I am enjoying all over again! I think that quality books and reading are so important, and they definitely helped me as a child.
It has been said that our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I definitely agree that every mistake we make in life is a lesson, and we must recognize that and learn from it. That has been a big part of my well-being focus in the last couple of years.
With regard to writing my book, no funny stories, unfortunately — just a lot of learning as I went. It’s certainly not easy for many reasons, and as a perfectionist, the amount of time I spent reading my drafts and amending them was probably unnecessary, but I really wanted to get it right. Also, the time it would take to complete was something I massively underestimated. Writing about yourself and your experiences isn’t as simple as it sounds because it has to flow and make sense to readers who don’t know anything about you. Since there were quite a few objectives for me in writing the book, there were a lot of different sections and details to think about and organize. I had a very specific idea of how I wanted the book to read and look, and I didn’t stop until it was exactly that.
Can you describe how you aim to make a significant social impact with your book?
Firstly, my intention was for the book to ultimately be a positive read for everyone.
I want parents to know they are not alone. I want to provide them with some advice, which will hopefully help, as I have been there. It’s hard, but focusing on the positives and believing in yourself and your child is vital for now and the future for all involved.
For neurodivergent adults, again, I want them to know they’re not alone. I want them to read an experience that someone else has had that they can relate to and feel confident in being who they are.
For educators and authorities, my hope is that the book will help them understand the difficulties those with either or both of these conditions face: how that can affect behaviour, how it isn’t a choice, and what support should and can be provided to help their students achieve rather than fail unnecessarily. Also, that these conditions don’t have to limit a person’s potential and that all of us have different strengths.
In general, our society needs to change the stigma they hold of autistic children, adults, and their families. Changes are being made, and younger generations are being given a lot more information and are much more aware and accepting of differences, but this needs to filter out to older generations too. People speaking openly about their experiences helps, and it’s another reason why I wanted to write my book and share my story.
Can you share with us the most interesting story that you shared in your book?
I think it will depend on who the reader is. For parents, I imagine it will be the information I share about my son — his struggles, his diagnoses, and the ongoing experience of raising a non-verbal autistic child — alongside the things I’ve learned along the way and the advice I offer to help.
For undiagnosed, misdiagnosed, or late-diagnosed adults, I think it will be the story of my background and how being undiagnosed affected my life for 38 years, and then subsequently how being diagnosed has improved my life quite dramatically — in a positive and hopefully inspiring way.
Hopefully, for readers who have no prior experience or knowledge of ASC or ADHD, they will find the facts I provide and the reality of both raising a neurodivergent child and my experience of being neurodivergent myself insightful, so they can better understand our community.
What was the “aha moment” or series of events that made you decide to bring your message to the greater world? Can you share a story about that?
After going through the struggles I did in the last few years, I just felt a real obligation to share what I had been through — and the positive outcome — so that other women, in particular, would have something to relate to in similar situations. I want them to see that they are not alone, that treatment is available, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I was completely alone and had to research everything myself, and it took several years to achieve what I have. I genuinely don’t want anyone else to have to go through that.
Without sharing specific names, can you tell us a story about a particular individual who was impacted or helped by your cause?
There have been many parents who have contacted me via my Instagram page (which I use as a community to offer advice, support, experience, and inspiration — completely confidential) with some very difficult issues. For example, I’ve had a few mothers reach out for advice when their child reaches secondary school age and is unaware they are neurodivergent, eventually becoming suicidal. This is generally because, with puberty and hormones also thrown into the mix — which, of course, is a difficult time for every child — they become very aware that they are different but don’t know why. They don’t understand why they don’t naturally act like their peers and don’t know how to express or manage that, so they can become hopeless and angry.
All the parents I have worked with have always been extremely grateful for an unbiased and honest opinion because that is all I can and will give.
Are there three things the community, society, or politicians can do to help you address the root of the problem you are trying to solve?
In my opinion, the biggest challenge for parents of neurodivergent children is the fact that we have to fight a battle for every single thing our child needs, particularly relating to education, funding, and support. This is something parents of neurotypical children don’t have to do, and neither should we. For many reasons, some parents don’t have the ability to do this, and that is of great detriment to the child and their future.
The government and authorities need to help with that as a starting point.
For parents of neurodivergent children within our society, I want them to remember and live by the fact that you have to take care of yourself before you can care for anyone else. This isn’t selfish; it’s a necessity and should be a priority. I learned this the hard way. Also, learn not to compare your child to any other child. Learn who they are and allow them to be that, tailoring your parenting to them (including how and when to push your children out of their comfort zone to reach their potential). Do not put your children in a box with a limit to what they can do.
For our communities as a whole, we also need to stop putting neurodivergent children and/or adults into a box with limited potential. ASC and ADHD are very real conditions that need to be recognized, accepted, and understood by everyone. We also need to lose any outdated stigmas and look at neurodivergence as a positive.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
Leadership to me is taking control of yourself and your own life. I mention in the book that nobody will knock on your door and tell you what you truly want or make you happy. We, as individuals, need to do this for ourselves. We need to take the time to figure out who we really are at our core, to understand and be honest with ourselves, and then work on making our lives and ourselves the best they can be. This is not easy, but it is one million percent worth it, rather than living a life you thought you “should.”
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started,” and why? Please share a story or example for each.
In general, I don’t ‘wish’ that anything had been different about any part of my life because it has made me who I am, and I am happy and proud of who I am. However, some things that would have made things easier had I known earlier are:
- You can’t control anything but your own thoughts. We can all train our minds to stop negative thoughts and to subsequently think positively. Trying to control things that are out of your control only creates anxiety, disappointment, and doubt in yourself — all of which are unnecessary and hold you back from your true potential.
- As I’ve mentioned, the fact that we, especially parents, have to look after our own well-being and mental health before we can look after anyone else. This is a priority, not a necessity, and not selfish. It makes you a better, happier person and a better, happier parent.
- In my younger years, it would have been comforting to know that everything was going to work out. That I would find true happiness and peace, that there was a reason why I felt so different — because my brain works differently from most other people’s, and that is perfectly fine. It can actually be used as an advantage in life.
- It would have saved a huge amount of unhappiness, confusion, and overwhelm if I had been told what medication, supplements, and lifestyle choices were best for my brain and the way it works. It took me 6–7 years to trial, research, and learn everything that I now know, which has changed my life for the better. In my opinion, this shouldn’t be the case, and I hope my book helps others on a similar journey have it easier.
- It took me almost 40 years to learn that I don’t need to compare myself to others because my brain works differently from others. I don’t have to live the life we’re told we should, and my gut instinct is always right.
Can you please give us your favourite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
It’s a short one: “Be yourself.” This covers a wide range of things, but basically, nobody can or will ever know you better than you do. We need to be honest with ourselves, listen to our gut, and make the changes needed to be our most authentic, happiest, and healthiest self — and be that unapologetically. Every single person on earth is different, and we need that. It’s a positive thing.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
Wow, there would be many, for very different reasons. Given the topic and the work I hope to continue doing, it would have to be someone very influential who I think could help on a massive scale. I think Kim Kardashian does great charitable work and, of course, has a huge amount of contacts and resources. Or Elon Musk for the same reason, as he is also on the spectrum.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Instagram: @theaalife
Website: www.theautisticmom.net
Book link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916572952
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Social Impact Authors: How & Why Author Jessica Whalley Is Helping To Change Our World was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.