Putting The United Back Into The United States: Author Shola Richards On The 5 Things That Each Of Us Can Do To Help Unite Our Polarized Society
An Interview With Jake Frankel
Disagree without disrespect. There is no way that we’ll be able to unite the country if our goal is to disrespect, dehumanize, and destroy the people who don’t see the world as we do.
As a part of our series about 5 Things That Each Of Us Can Do To Help Unite Our Polarized Society, I had the pleasure of interviewing Shola Richards .
Shola Richards, the author of Civil Unity: The Radical Path to Transform Our Discourse, Our Lives, and Our World, is the CEO and founder of Go Together Global, through which he helps organizations build compassion, competence, and accountability in the workplace. Richards has shared his message with Fortune 50 companies, the House of Representatives on Capitol Hill, universities, healthcare organizations, Silicon Valley, and the TEDx stage. He has been featured on The Today Show, CBS This Morning, Forbes, Black Enterprise, Complete Wellbeing India, and Business Insider Australia.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I’m forever grateful that I was born into a very loving family. My dad was an immigrant from Sierra Leone (who ended up being a long-time college professor at the University of Massachusetts) and my mom was a healthcare worker from Natchez, Mississippi. They were happily married for 49 years before my dad passed from colon cancer in 2019. Like most families, we had quite a few challenges, but what I remember most was the amount of love and laughter that was in our household growing up. I firmly believe that my parents’ influence helped my two brothers and me to grow up into hardworking, optimistic adults who are dedicated to creating a better world for ourselves and others.
What or who inspired you to pursue your career? We’d love to hear the story.
My wife, Amber, gets most of the credit for the inspiration to start my professional speaking career. In 2018, I was working full-time in healthcare administration, and as a side hustle, I was speaking at conferences. I was at point where I was feeling extremely burned out in my job, and I started dreaming of transitioning from my career as a healthcare administrator to a full-time professional speaker. At the time, we had just moved into a new house (with a sizable mortgage payment), and we had two young daughters, which made the potential move into an unpredictable professional speaking career very scary for me. When I first brought up the idea of quitting my job, without hesitation, Amber said, “You’re built for this, it’s time to make your move.” A month later, I quit my job of 11 years to become a full-time professional speaker, and I haven’t looked back since.
What are some of the most interesting or exciting projects you are working on now? How do you think that might help people?
Without question, it’s the release of my new book, Civil Unity: The Radical Path to Transform Our Discourse, Our Lives and Our World. For the past 19 months, I poured my heart and soul into creating the most practical, inspiring and empowering guide on civility ever written. My hope is that this book will play a significant role in helping people to bring more civility into our discourse, find common ground (when it seems like none exists), and show that it’s possible to disagree without disrespect.
None of us can achieve success without some help along the way. Was there a particular person who you feel gave you the most help or encouragement to be who you are today? Can you share a story about that?
There are too many people to name! But I’ll give you one.
In 2015, I sat in the audience at The Beryl Institute’s annual conference as Simon T. Bailey delivered an epic keynote speech. After Simon finished his talk, the entire audience (myself included) leapt to their feet and enthusiastically gave him a well-deserved standing ovation. At that point in my life, I had never been in the presence of a person who looked like me (read: a Black man) who expertly delivered a speech that made an hour feel like minutes. At that moment, a new world was opened up to me, and I said to myself, “I want to be like Simon.”
Mind you, at that time I had a full time job, and I had absolutely no business thinking that I could ever do what I just watched Simon do. Still though, that didn’t stop me from chasing him down shortly after he got offstage and blurting out at him:
“Mr. Bailey sir, that was amazing! I want to do what you do for a living!”
Simon was (and is) at the top of the professional speaking game. He could have easily (and understandably) dismissed me as some random fanboy who was wasting his time. Instead, he graciously shook my hand, looked me in the eye and said, “I believe in you, go make it happen!”
As wild as this may sound, that one sentence changed my life, and for the first time, I locked-in on the dream of becoming a professional speaker. Three years later, I quit my job and made my unlikely dream a reality.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or take away did you learn from that?
Oh, man, I’ve made a ton of mistakes in my career, ranging from going onstage with my zipper down to not checking my slides before going onstage only to discover with horror that the words were accidentally reformatted and looked like hieroglyphics. Thankfully, those were relatively low-stakes mistakes (that I’ve never made since), so I’ll share a more interesting one.
A few years ago, I was giving a lunchtime keynote talk, and I noticed that a man in the back of the ballroom appeared to be in physical distress. I couldn’t tell what was going on with him, so I did my best not to be distracted by him as I continued with my talk. After I got offstage, I discovered that the man was choking on a chicken bone, and was thankfully led out of the ballroom where he was administered lifesaving CPR. The lesson that I learned was to trust my gut. In the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong and I ignored it. What I should have done was stop the speech and asked from the stage if he was okay. Thankfully, everything ended up being fine, but that situation could have ended very differently.
Is there a particular book that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
I’m a voracious reader, so it’s hard to narrow it down to just one, but I’ll try. I’d have to go with The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. This book should be required reading for anyone who is interested in doing anything creative, whether it’s writing a book, recording your album, starting a business, or sharing your art with the world. This book helped me enormously to overcome crippling self-doubt to write my books, craft my keynote talks and grow my business. I don’t know if I would have been able to do any of those things without reading that book first.
Can you share your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Why does that resonate with you so much? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
My favorite life lesson quote is from a man named Brennan Manning: “In every encounter, we either give life or we drain it. There is no neutral exchange.” This quote resonates with me so deeply because it reminds me to be fiercely present in every interaction. Whether it’s when our young child is tugging on our sleeve to play when we’re trying to work from home, or when we’re under-caffeinated and the barista messed up our coffee order, our response could either give or drain life from the recipient. That’s a heavy responsibility that I don’t take lightly.
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
I define leadership as the ability to inspire positive actions in others to reach a desired goal and collective success. This definition is different from how many people view leadership because it is often believed that a formal title is required to be a leader. My definition allows for anyone to step into the role of leader, as long as they’re consistently thinking, speaking and acting in a way that inspires positive actions in others to reach a desired goal. Keeping it real, there are plenty of people with formal leadership titles who are incapable of inspiring anyone (and to be clear, fear and intimidation are not forms of inspiration). True leaders have people follow them because they choose to follow them, not because they have to follow them — and a formal title is not required.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. The polarization in our country has become so extreme that families have been torn apart. Erstwhile close friends have not spoken to each other because of strong partisan differences. This is likely a huge topic, but briefly, can you share your view on how this evolved to the boiling point that it’s at now?
Not to sound like an alarmist, but I feel like the world is on fire in many ways. Whether it’s work cultures that are rapidly eroding due to colleagues’ inability to find common ground, family members who have stopped speaking to each other because they’re split along political lines, or the steady decline of our collective mental health due to the rise of incivility, the need to take different action has never been more urgent. Needing to agree on everything before engaging in civil discourse with another human being is an exercise in immaturity and futility. The sooner that we can accept that we will inhabit the world with people who don’t view it in the same way that we do, the better it will be for our society — not to mention, our mental health. I’m dedicating the rest of my life to leading the movement that will create a more civil world that will sustain over time.
I have no pretensions about bridging the divide between politicians, or between partisan media outlets. But I’d love to discuss the divide that is occurring between families, co-workers, and friends. Do you feel comfortable sharing a story from your experience about how family or friends have become a bit alienated because of the partisan atmosphere?
The primary reason why I wrote Civil Unity is because of the countless stories I’ve heard and received of families divided by political affiliations, coworkers unable to find common ground, and the rise of incivility in our hospitals, grocery stores and even at youth sporting events. There was one story that I heard of a woman who is currently estranged from her mom due to the mom’s obsession with a particular cable news station (and more specifically, the mom’s obsession of only talking about what she’s watching on that cable news station). It’s profoundly sad, and I believe that these examples will only get worse if we don’t commit to doing something about this.
In your opinion, what can be done to bridge the divide that has occurred in families? Can you please share a story or example?
One common misconception about civility work is that we should disagree less. That is a terrible idea that serves no one. Disagreement is necessary in order to have a functioning society, we just need to engage in the work of doing it more effectively. In our families, we must actively practice the skill of disagreeing without disrespect.
For example, let’s use politics. If Uncle George is a huge supporter of Candidate A and you can’t stand Candidate A and plan to vote for Candidate B, it is still very possible to discuss politics productively by setting ground rules. It could be as simple as saying, “Uncle George, I know that conversations about politics can go off the rails pretty quickly. I’m happy to engage in this discussion, but are you willing to stay respectful, even if my opinion is different from yours?” This question is powerful, because it’s challenging your uncle to engage in a polarizing conversation, respectfully. If he says yes, engage. However, if he can’t summon the emotional maturity and impulse control to do so, then disengage. The only way that we’re going to reduce unproductive conflict in society is to reduce our time participating in it.
How about the workplace, what can be done to bridge the partisan divide that has fractured relationships there? Can you please share a story or example?
This may seem a little controversial, but I feel like immediately restricting conversations about polarizing topics in the workplace (like politics, abortion, or the conflict in the Middle East) is an exercise in futility. Whether we like it or not, gone are the days when people kept their strongly held beliefs at home behind closed doors. To be clear, I’m not advocating for people wearing political hats to work or hanging political banners in their cubicles, because that’s just inviting unnecessary drama. However, if/when polarizing topics find their way into the workplace, it should be a requirement that those discussions will be handled respectfully, with civility, and in a manner that does not interfere with their ability to do their jobs. In cases where it’s clear that those standards cannot be met, only then should organizations consider restricting those conversations in the workplace.
I think one of the causes of our divide comes from the fact that many of us see a political affiliation as the primary way to self-identify. But of course, there are many other ways to self-identify. What do you think can be done to address this?
To me, it’s super limiting (not to mention, a little weird) for a person’s primary identity to be linked to their political party. Instead, I encourage folks to identify with the positive character values that best define who they are as people. Some examples include: kindness, compassion, service, trustworthiness, helpfulness, generosity, integrity, justice, or wisdom, to name a few. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have a political affiliation, because I certainly have one, but it’s not my primary identity. And if we’re being honest here, there are rude, hateful and mean-spirited people on both sides of the political aisle. That’s why these days, I prefer to primarily self-identify with my values. A word of caution though — it’s one thing to self-identify with a positive value, and it’s another thing entirely to actually live up to that value through our consistent words, actions and behaviors.
Much ink has been spilled about how social media companies and partisan media companies continue to make money off creating a split in our society. Sadly the cat is out of the bag and at least in the near term there is no turning back. Social media and partisan media have a vested interest in maintaining the divide, but as individuals none of us benefit by continuing this conflict. What can we do moving forward to not let social media divide us?
Yes, social media companies are invested in keeping us divided, but that doesn’t mean that we’re unable to do something about it. One of the primary ways that social media keeps us divided is through its members actively spreading misinformation and disinformation. When people share information that’s factually inaccurate on social media, it amplifies unproductive disagreements, accelerates the erosion of trust in our fellow humans, and worst of all, inspires hate, fear and violence. None of which are helping to create a more civil world.
Still though, we’re not helpless. One practical strategy we can use is to reduce the time that we spend on social media. The average person currently spends 2 hours and 24 minutes a day on social media — that’s 876 hours a year! Actively cutting that time in half would be a literal life-enhancing move. Secondly, before reflexively sharing anything on social media, we must take the time to verify and fact-check using nonpartisan sources that what you’re sharing is actually true. I can’t say this enough: just because a post on social media aligns with our deeply held beliefs, it doesn’t mean that it’s true.
What can we do moving forward to not let partisan media pundits divide us?
Americans truly need to break their addiction to cable news. Cable news is often known as anger-tainment for a reason, and watching hours of it a day is not only deepening the divide between us and our fellow humans, but it’s also wreaking havoc on our collective mental health.
Still though, in order to stay informed, a best practice in my research is to select a specific time when you’ll scan headlines from a trusted news website, and if you’re so inclined, click on one article per day. Not only will we remain fully informed, but our mental health (and our faith in our fellow humans), will increase dramatically. I can promise you that watching 3 hours of primetime cable news programming before going to bed is not making anyone a kinder (or better) human.
Ok, wonderful. Here is the main question of our interview. Can you please share your “5 Steps That Each Of Us Can Take To Proactively Help Unite Our Country”. Kindly share a story or example for each.
1 . Practice tough-love self care. Before engaging in the challenging outer work of uniting our country, we must engage in the equally-challenging inner work first. To avoid burning out quickly while doing this work, it’s critical that we practice what I call tough-love self care activities. It’s called tough-love self care because it involves the necessary (and often, unpleasant) self-care actions we must take to strengthen our minds and bodies for the challenges ahead. Some of these actions include, maintaining healthy boundaries, removing yourself from toxic relationships, reaching out to a therapist, and making healthy food choices and exercising. Without doing the inner work, there’s no chance that our energy will sustain long enough to do the outer work.
2 . Choose kindness over niceness. We need to stop using the words nice and kind interchangeably. Being nice means polite and agreeable, and for real, that’s a super low bar if we’re trying to unite our country. Some of the cruelest humans on earth can mutter a “please” or a “thank you” once in a while. Kindness, on the other hand, means that we’re demonstrating through our actions that we genuinely care about other human beings. Unlike nice people (who are more concerned with not making waves or appearing impolite), kind people have difficult conversations, kind people care about problems that don’t affect them directly, and kind people honor their boundaries. Worded differently, surface-level niceness is something that you do, whereas deep kindness is part of who you are. If we want to unite our country, niceness isn’t going to do the trick, but kindness will.
3 . Step outside of your bubble. The truth is that most Americans’ social groups aren’t very diverse, and unless we actively step outside of our homogenous social bubbles, we won’t be able to effectively unite the country. Without the benefit of personal exposure to different races, sexual orientations, ethnicities or religions, we are primarily left with stereotypical narratives from the media to shape our opinions of these groups for us. However, if we purposely shrink the distance because us and the folks whom we perceive to be different from us, we’ll quickly learn that we are more similar to them than we previously thought. One thing is for sure, as my mama would love to say, “It’s hard to hate people from close up.”
4 . Become intellectually humble. The willingness to acknowledge that our knowledge about a topic is incomplete and that our beliefs may be incorrect is the heart of intellectual humility. It’s the opposite of being a close minded know-it-all who is unwilling to entertain the possibility that they could ever be wrong. To unite our country, it will require us to be deeply curious, more open to considering others’ viewpoints, and willing to update our beliefs after evaluating new information. Yes, I know that all of this is uncommon during these divisive times, but uniting our country is going to require us to have open minds and engage in uncommon work.
5 . Disagree without disrespect. There is no way that we’ll be able to unite the country if our goal is to disrespect, dehumanize, and destroy the people who don’t see the world as we do. In fact, doing so only accomplishes three things. First, the person being attacked will actually become more entrenched in their beliefs. Second, we will destroy any hope of the other person seeing the merits of our position. And third, we’re contributing to the toxic discourse in America that we claim to hate. Middle finger discourse and attacking others has failed us spectacularly in society, and if we want to unite the country, we must take different action. It begins with us learning how to disagree better and engaging in the challenging work of finding common ground.
Simply put, is there anything else we can do to ‘just be nicer kinder to each other’?
I try to remember that most bad behavior is an unskilled expression of an unmet need. The simplest way to do this is to practice empathy and to give grace to others. Everyone is going through something, so if we can remain curious about their unmet needs instead of rushing to judge everyone, it could inspire us to be a little kinder to others.
We are going through a rough period now. Are you optimistic that this issue can eventually be resolved? Can you explain?
I am extremely optimistic that we can reverse our slide into incivility and reunite our country. Over the past few years, I have encountered countless people who are exhausted by the current divisiveness in our country, but more than that, they’re fired up to actively do something about it. Gone are the days of people weakly throwing up their hands and saying, “Oh well, this is how the world has to be.” More so than ever, I’m seeing people getting off of the sidelines and jumping into the game of creating a more civil world. I sincerely hope that my book Civil Unity will help to accelerate that process.
If you could tell young people one thing about why they should consider making a positive impact on our society, like you, what would you tell them?
I would say “don’t underestimate your ability to positively affect the world and begin the process now.” As a young kid, I made the mistake of believing that I was too young, too inexperienced, and too unworthy of positively changing the world in any meaningful way. The reality is that in our incredibly well-connected world, there are countless opportunities for people of any age to inspire positive change in others. Bottom line for the young folks out there: start before you think you’re ready.
Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them 😁
For me, it would have to be Oprah Winfrey. Besides being a fascinating person with an incredible life story, she has also personally interviewed some of the most captivating people who have ever lived. To be able to ask her questions about her life and career, including asking her to share the top lessons she has learned from her decades of interviews, would be a dream come true for me.
How can our readers follow you online?
It’s easy! Just go to sholarichards.com or you can find me on social media on LinkedIn, Instagram and Facebook.
This was very meaningful, and thank you so much for the time you spent on this interview. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Putting The United Back Into The United States: Author Shola Richards On The 5 Things That Each Of… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.