An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Engage Self-Awareness: To visualize the pillars of EQ, imagine the base of the Hierarchy of Needs triangle but replace safety with a foundation of Self-Awareness. Without self-awareness, none of the other concepts of EQ (emotional intelligence) can be authentically achieved. To inspire a sense of awareness with our children, we can start by naming emotions. I have two posters on our refrigerator with names and faces of several emotions. It has become a regular practice in our household to reference the fridge of emotions when we are experiencing big feelings to help us “name and tame” them.
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Kaylen Alexandra.
Certified Mindfulness Coach, graduate student of Positive Psychology, and author of weekly newsletter called Dear People-Pleasers, Kaylen Alexandra strives to deliver wellness practices to seekers of liberation. Kaylen’s research is based around the positive impacts of self-care, and leveraging emotional intelligence as a means to experience both self-compassion, and elevated empathy for others. She lives in San Diego, CA.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
Absolutely! I had my son, named August, in November of 2020. He is a pandemic baby. Being pregnant in the midst of a global pandemic had its pros and cons and required resilience at every step. Not knowing how the world was going to look or operate with the addition of a child to my life cultivated a new sense of perception for me. I went from a lifetime of people-pleasing, to becoming a mother- looking out for the health and best interest for myself and baby boy. Bringing August into the world has been the privlegde of my life, and has changed me for the better.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
As an empathetic, active listener, it makes sense that I found my way to Human Resources. Aside from my day job, I also work as a Certified Mindfulness Coach, and I write a free newsletter called Dear People Pleasers, to educate anyone seeking tools to leverage for breaking patterns of perpetual pleasing. So many of us pleasers do not consciously realize that we are seeking external validation, affirmation, and acceptance. Becoming self-aware (which is the first pillar of practicing emotional intelligence), is the first step in breaking our patterns. This moment ignited in me when I became Augie’s mom. I had a realization that he would grow up watching me, chasing approval from everyone- and I hated the thought of that. I wanted to change for him, and also myself.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
While I consider myself a life-long learner of new practices to implement for raising resilience, I also have come to understand that I am able to disseminate what I have learned into applicable bite-sized lessons for others through my writing. Emotional Intelligence truly is the key to liberating ourselves from negative self-talk, people-pleasing patterns, and embracing self-acceptance. I am actively working on my Graduate degree in Positive Psychology to further educate myself and others around how we can leverage our emotional literacy as a means to become more resilient and compassionate.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
I sure do! Adapted from Sri Chinmoy’s poem about love I have “Love is something to become and eternally be” with four birds representing my four younger siblings tattooed on my left side. The quote has been a throughline and buoy in my life since I discovered it around my 20th birthday. When I am feeling particularly agitated, out of control, and low on resilience, I meditate on this phrase, and try to look at the situation from the perspective of love and compassion.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
What I do when my son is disappointed (read: having a typical toddler meltdown), is stay in it with him. I do not try to convince him that he is “okay”, or diminish his feelings. Instead of telling him what I think he should do (which doesn’t really work with kids anyway, right?!), I ask him to tell me what he is feeling. I enable him to verbally identify which emotion he is experiencing (sometimes it’s more than one), and then I validate his emotions by saying, “It’s okay to feel angry/sad/embarrassed” etc.
While this tactic has been important for me to practice with my toddler, this same process of asking a person to name their emotion and then validate them in that place is applicable across all ages. When I am in a place of needing to parent myself- I find that I ask and answer these questions in my head to be able to move on.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
My son mirrors my behavior, and I am confident that most children do this with the adults in their lives. When my son started pre-school last year, I knew that my crying at drop off would only dysregulate him in a new routine further, and make matters worse for both of us. When he started to cry because he realized that we would be separating, I teared up myself but told him that he was being brave, strong, and reinforced that his dad and I were proud of him. Practicing self-management by remembering that his enrollment in school was necessary for me to work, and for him to develop- helped me stay focused and present in the moment. We packed his special blanket for nap time, a monster truck for play time, and his favorite water bottle for comfort. Reminding him that we would see each other at the end of the day and talk all about it was the emotional strength he needed to feel from me- and I needed for myself!
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
I feel it is so important to foster a sense of support around their interests. Whatever they are curious about, so long as it does not cause harm to themselves or others, cultivate excitement and dedicate time to learn about their interests with them. Knowing that they have the approval and emotional buy-in from a trusted adult is key to perusing new information.
In terms of embracing challenges as opportunities, it can be so easy to want to “fix it” for our children- whatever the issue may be. By asking questions of the situation, and following up with asking what our children think possible solutions could be, opens up opportunities for them to think creatively, and for us to learn with them!
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
Building off my previous answer about not jumping to “fix it” when things go sideways, it is imperative that we remember to be patient. Patience is key, it takes time to think more intentionally, but the payoff is worth it. Staying present with our children, asking them to name the difficulty or emotion to leverage self-awareness, and then asking reflective questions shows that we are invested and supportive will empower them to face challenges head on, eventually without us on the sidelines.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
I live for this question! I write about the importance of self-care in my newsletter, and emotional intelligence calls for both the application of self-awareness and self-management (which can be understood as self-care) to be effective. Self-care looks different depending on the needs of the parent. As an introvert, I need designated quiet, alone time to recharge my social battery, and be able to give the best version of myself to not only my son, but everyone. I take walks on lunch breaks, I love reading, and once or twice a week my husband will take our son out to the playground or on a playdate so that I may read or write in the peace of our empty house. If you are new to the concept of practicing self-care, I suggest looking at your expenses. Is there anything that you spend money on that is not an essential? Is there a common thread? Is it concerts, books, workout equipment? Start by asking yourself what you would like to do and inch closer to doing it every chance you get.
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”? If you can, kindly share a story or example for each.
1. Emotional Intelligence: To raise resilient and emotionally strong children, cultivating a sense of emotional intelligence — from any age- is going to be key. We can think of the four pillars of emotional intelligence as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs triangle. Each pillar, which I will describe below plays a part in inspiring emotional regulation for our children, and the people around our children.
2. Engage Self-Awareness: To visualize the pillars of EQ, imagine the base of the Hierarchy of Needs triangle but replace safety with a foundation of Self-Awareness. Without self-awareness, none of the other concepts of EQ (emotional intelligence) can be authentically achieved. To inspire a sense of awareness with our children, we can start by naming emotions. I have two posters on our refrigerator with names and faces of several emotions. It has become a regular practice in our household to reference the fridge of emotions when we are experiencing big feelings to help us “name and tame” them.
3. Practice Self-Management: The second pillar of EQ, builds upon our foundation of self-awareness, requiring that we identify what our current state of emotion is. Self-management can be practiced in a variety of ways- and it is exactly as it sounds: it is the management of ourselves when we are challenged, or experiencing something unpleasant. Think of self-management as healthy coping mechanisms. Here is where we can teach our children (and practice ourselves) self-care. Getting outside, listening to music, having a snack, playing a game, breathing techniques all are effective tools to regulate our emotions. For younger children like my son, we have a technique that I learned in therapy called “blowing the candles out”. When I notice he is calming down from an emotional outburst, I hold up my hand and ask him if he would like to “blow the candles out”, as if each of my fingers were a lit candle. He inhales on my call, and exhales on each finger, causing them to “fold” or be “blown out”.
4. Leverage Social Awareness: Once our children have a solid grasp on their own emotions and how to regulate when needed, we can help them look outward to their social relationships and help them to “read the room”. This is so important when it comes to emotional strength, because it introduces the concept of empathy. Being self-aware is wonderful, until it becomes the only thing our children are aware of. Knowing their needs is great, and learning the needs of others will help our children to thrive in a world where people are experiencing a myriad of emotions at any given time. I practice social-awareness with my son as often as possible when we are in group outings, by asking, “how is your friend doing right now?”, or even watching a scene play out on TV and reflecting to ask, “what just happened there?”. Watching TV can also help adults to strengthen our social-awareness by observing the non-verbal cues of characters, and feeling their emotions through the screen.
5. Implement Relationship Management: At the top of our triangle built of EQ pillars, relationship-management is a mash-up of all three pillars before it. Teaching our children how to identify their own emotions, regulate themselves, read the room, and then connect with others in a genuine capacity, equates to raising a compassionate and resilient individual. Teaching others about Relationship management means empowering our children to draw (appropriate) boundaries around what they are expected to bring to their relationships. Asking them to be honest about certain outings, soliciting their thoughts after playdates or gatherings will help them to reflect, and bond with others in a more meaningful way.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
Start small! Practice one or two concepts a day, or even a week if that’s all you can muster. Anything is better than nothing. To inspire mindfulness- a simple and applicable tip is to start with gratitude. At dinner, or any point of the day that works, ask everyone in the household to share something they are grateful for today. Be sure to share your own gratitude so that younger ones can watch and learn. For building resilience, it’s also important to ask, “What’s something you would have changed about today?” actively listen and follow up with questions like, “What would you do differently if that happens again?” Critical thinking is a muscle we can build up slowly.
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
I love learning and passing along tools!
For Books: Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, PhD., and Gabor Maté, M.D. also, Atlas of the Heart by Dr. Brenè Brown, and Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. All books touch on emotional regulation, management and creativity, which is a fantastic outlet for self-care and coping.
For Apps: I use both Insight Timer for guided meditations, breathing techniques, and mindfulness, and Moonly.
Courses: If you are employed and eligible for education reimbursement, I highly recommend Harvard’s Extension Program: Certification in Emotional Intelligence for Leadership. The information is applicable as parents, friends, and family members. The course is a bit pricey, but worth it in terms of resources and information shared.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 😊
I sometimes dream about sharing tea with Elizabeth Gilbert. Author of several books, but best known for Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic. Liz has been a guiding force of emotional intelligence, regulation, and example for how to practice self-care to me (and many others) for a long time. She also writes a weekly newsletter called “Letters from Love” on Substack where she practices a two-way prayer, asking the voice of unconditional love “What will you have me know today?” Then from the place of love, she writes a letter to herself, saying the things that many of us never dare to address. Subscribers are invited to write our own letters from the voice of Love teaching us to muster deeper levels of self-compassion (join us!). Cultivating self-compassion is more important than most people think, and I have found that the more resistant to acceptance someone is, the more compassion they truly need. What if part of our purpose as humans is to learn to accept ourselves? Imagine a world of more confident, relaxed, self-accepting and compassionate individuals…that’s what Liz creates and why she holds my deepest respects and admiration.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I would love a seat in your inbox! Subscribe to Dear People Pleasers at Kaylenalexandra.substack.com (It is completely free).
Published:
The Guided Emotional Intelligence Journal by K. Alexandra on Amazon
Lovelet Journal: Inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s Letters from Love on Amazon — Hardcover
I am also a proud Authority Magazine alum, and previously was published for 5 Tips on How We Can Grow Everyday: https://medium.com/authority-magazine/growing-every-day-kaylen-alexandra-of-dear-people-pleasers-on-what-we-can-do-to-grow-every-day-8660aa6e7921
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.
Raising Resilient Kids: Kaylen Alexandra On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.