Goal Setting — This is a powerful motivational tool to use to begin your new future and increase confidence, self-esteem, and take the control back you may have lost through the process of divorcing. How exciting it is to create and discover the new you. Be patient with your dissatisfaction of where you are and visualize what you would like to be. Start with small changes with targets that are achievable. This will start the ball rolling and soon you will build your confidence, move on to bigger changes.
As a part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” we had the pleasure of interviewing Bonnie Frankel.
Bonnie didn’t discover what she was created to do in life until she divorced. She spread her wings to venture unexpectedly in the field of academics and athletics by beginning her next chapter re-entering the educational system. Bonnie’s decision to challenge herself enabled her to release her feelings of failure to thrive with success and make national history.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?
I grew up listening to the unpleasant bickering vibrating through the walls from my parent’s arguments. This ritual would have a profound effect on my fear of forming unhealthy relationships. My parents had a love/hate relationship that had a penetrating and lasting effect in my inability to trust as well as shy away from forming intimate relationships. The impact it left would leave a deep scar. Most of us are affected by our parent’s relationships because that is our first encounter we have.
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
Going down memory lane, I was consciously aware that using exercise to emphasize my self-awareness strengthened the ability to shift my emotions when they were disarrayed. Consequently, it would pursue my quest to discover my passion in the field of athletics. I would never have imagined this would lead me to becoming a fitness guru. The power of exercise served as a prelude that would continue in stages to help me attain fitness in my inner and outer areas of my life as well as assist others as well. My intuitive mother started the beginnings of this journey by sending me to day camp which enabled me to express my pent-up emotions by engaging in various sports and building friendships with other kids. This was executed while she was going through one of her episodes of depression. My involvement with exercise would benefit her as well because it improved my utilizing active listening.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
Following my success in changing the NCAA women’s eligibility rule, the head swim coach at Loyola Marymount University recruited me to join his team to compete. I was surprised yet elated to be the first to initiate this new ruling and be the first to use it. My choice of sport was cross-country but the season ended when I was cleared to compete. The challenge was too delicious to turn down even though I had little experience/knowledge with the art of the swim. Throughout the season of competition, I was learning technique to discover and eventually perfect my race in the fifty- meter free style event as well as my diving skill. Much to my surprise, in the last race of competition, I placed third. A bit later in my athletic career, I was given the opportunity to not only expand my knowledge in the art of the swim when I became Loyola Marymount’s head women’s swim coach to learn even more about this sport. Never would have thought that I would be head cross-country coach and head women’s swim coach. Today, I continue to use the pool to cross-train with my choice of sport, the run.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
When I began my career as an athlete training and competing with athletes half my age, I was fortuitous to acquire skills from them in the world of running, after all they had more knowledge and experience than I. Continuing forward with my growth in this sport, I transitioned from being not only an elite athlete but to becoming head cross country coach at Loyola Marymount University for both men and women. Training occasionally with them in various workouts, I would enter a nonconference competitive run to motivate them to follow my lead. My athletes were opposed to this as they felt intimidated and preferred me to coach them from the sidelines. Using emotional intelligence/critical thinking. and practicing active listening, I respected their needs and did just that. For the first time in their history of competition, the cross-country teams got out of the cellar and earned the respect from the other teams in the conference.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” — Maya Angelou. This quote was pasted on my refrigerator to reassure me when I had doubts of divorcing, to forge ahead. It energizes my search to expand my knowledge in exercise as it nourishes the use of emotional intelligence/critical thinking. Whenever I have a nostalgic emotion, a lingering doubt, I return to this quote as it refreshes my self-efficacy to keep moving towards the gold.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
My mission is to educate in various forms of the media for all to implement exercise in our daily lives because it expands our cognitive skills as research suggests. Exercise boosts self-efficacy/emotional intelligence combined with the strong components of self-awareness and empathy to excel with the right type of leadership skills. This would create leaders that are balanced, empathetic, and creative as opposed to the ones that use their inflated egos. Our leaders of today for the most part, are self-serving as their appetite craves more power and leaving the have-nots to continue to stay stuck as they struggle to exist without. By changing our approach from my way highway leadership, to integrate emotional quotient/self-awareness, is essential in attaining an integrated world, as opposed to a disintegrated one. To lead with integrity, we need a state- of- the art set of leaders in this world especially after the pandemic, to replace the selfish with emotional intelligence and critical thinking. Exercise compliments these two skills that would amalgamate a world that will thrive, not collapse.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?
I forced myself to initiate divorce proceedings because it was the only path that seemed plausible. This would not only free me from a stale life but give me the opportunity to search for one that I would thrive in. The difficult part was coping with feelings of failure, changing a privileged and a familiar lifestyle, and facing the unknown future. I had to take responsibility that this was a failed attempt in a long- term relationship, but to shift my focus on the foresight to break the pattern of my parents staying in a dysfunctional one. At this juncture, I focused on the possibilities not the difficulties. The thought of the tantalizing journey ahead outweighed the failure and giving up stuff.
In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
Rushing into a new relationship, and not taking the time to properly heal to reap the benefits of the delight of rediscovering yourself before committing to another or acknowledging that you like being solo. Rushing into a new relationship may cloud your judgment and hinder your emotional growth. Another issue is we tend to ignore the emotional healing process and not get assistance to seek therapy, support groups, or a good friend that helps process your feelings to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Taking care of your psychological health is crucial for you to enjoy a successful post-divorce life. Make self-care a priority with exercise and engage in hobbies that bring you joy. When you focus on your well-being, you are in the process of rebuilding your life with joy, strength and resilience.
People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?
You are able to experience higher levels of autonomy and personal growth once you are untethered from the marriage. Most individuals are often re-invigorated and decide to get into better shape emotionally, mentally, and physically. These benefits are such a reality check and speaks for themselves. When you are engaging in a declining relationship, you lose your best fan, you. The divorce can trigger what is needed for one to start feeling terrific about themselves again. The grand benefit following a divorce comes from improved health. It puts a renewed drive to proactively get fit, live healthier, and improve our wellbeing, which can be beyond significant. You acquire better relationships across-the-board particularly with friends and family members. Unhealthy marriages can lead to not finding time for our nearest and dearest. After a divorce, these relationships often flourish as there is more time to focus on one’s social wellbeing. Divorce led the way for me to create a fitter me, which guided me to take baby steps as I slowly began to trust myself to seek healthier long-term relationships.
Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?
Start with yourself before another so you are able prioritize your personal growth, because most likely than not, you will choose the same partner. It’s important to allow time to grieve and by downloading this emotion will help you unchain yourself from the past so you will more likely succeed to step into a new chapter of dating if you choose to do so. Surrender and trust that you are being divinely guided can be developed from your past, believe it or not, it is your spiritual bread crumbs. Even though divorcing may seem to be the biggest adjustment you have had to make, it isn’t the first time things have not gone as planned. Use the tool mindfulness to revisit the past and acknowledge how things ended up working out for the best. You may start a journal where you are able to revisit your thoughts. We tend to dwell over our failures, we tend to forget that they lead to successes. When you recover from a failure it takes time to digest, and if you allow time to pass, sometimes what you think you desire, can be entirely different than it was. I highly recommend that using self-reflection encourages and develops self-awareness and this can be a game changer for your new beginning.
What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?
Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically by positioning your mind to acquire and retain the right frame of mind by exercising which ignites our neurotransmitters to feel good, eat nutritiously, and relax. Practice mindfulness because it serves as one of the best benefits when you are involved in a tumultuous journey of divorcing. Keep in mind amidst the chaos, there lies a beacon of hope — mindfulness. With awareness, you remove the thought of failure at the top of your list of feelings, and simply bring your consciousness to your despair. Give yourself permission to sit with your pain with courage and presence, experiencing the world directly rather than through the lens of your thoughts.
If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce?
- Exercise — Not only makes us feel good psychologically but enables us to make right decisions. It is known as one of the best coping strategies when you are going through a major change. When your body is in motion, it releases happy endorphins and focuses your mind to strive to be and stay in the present moment. Exercise assists you naturally to shift your perspective to put you in a joyous place. Not only will you be emotionally, mentally, and physically fit, you are able to take on the world.
- Goal Setting — This is a powerful motivational tool to use to begin your new future and increase confidence, self-esteem, and take the control back you may have lost through the process of divorcing. How exciting it is to create and discover the new you. Be patient with your dissatisfaction of where you are and visualize what you would like to be. Start with small changes with targets that are achievable. This will start the ball rolling and soon you will build your confidence, move on to bigger changes.
- Social Support System — Reaching out to family and friends can be your biggest supporters during this time. It’s a time where you can reach out and share your feelings. They can be active listeners as well as give practical advice. This is a good time to meet new people and make new friends. Join clubs, take classes, or volunteering can introduce you to like-minded individuals. In rebuilding your system, stay patient and take baby steps. Each connection you make will play a part in your healing and growth. You are in the process of rebuilding your self-identity to thrive in your new chapter.
- Practice Mindfulness — This tool teaches you to sit with your thoughts, and watch your own experience unfold. You are striving for a non-reactive and non-judgmental attitude. It develops patience as well as tackles negative judgments and obsessive thoughts. You will let go of old grievances and your thoughts will follow. When you practice this, you will see and feel a peak of a new beginning for your next chapter to write itself.
- Adjustment Time — Grieving is the first step to heal failure. Processing the loss will help you to unchain yourself from your past to allow a new phase to unravel. Everyone moves at a different timeline so do not compare yourself with others, it is not a race, just a process. As with any loss, you will go through periods of adapting, active recovery, and life reformation. When I went through the adjustment period, I used various forms of exercise to keep my mind and body preoccupied instead of concentrating on the length of time it took me to recover. I also engaged in my artwork to express my emotions. Pick an activity that you have longed to engage in and this will give you an abstract way of release mechanism to heal your feelings. Time is just a number. The process of your new chapter is unfolding.
The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?
Exercise, muscles you to eat well, unwind, and help you focus, as the endorphins guide you into a optimistic state of mind. It is vital that you stick to your normal routine since your life is shifting. Avoid making major decisions or drastic changes in life because you need time to adjust to the situation. Refrain from using alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes as a coping mechanism. Sit with your feelings, it’s ok to not be ok. Face how you feel and by examining those emotions can help you learn to manage them. Feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, and scared is natural because it is an ending whether you chose it or not. Practice positive self-talk whether you do it in your head or out loud can improve your mental state as it increases your self-confidence and self-efficacy. Get creative, find your right way to dissolve your pain and anguish.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Wherever You Go There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn and Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
When a chapter ends, rejoice with a dawning of another.
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Brene Brown
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
Bonnie Frankel On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.