An Interview With Wanda Malhotra
PURPOSE. Feeling like you have a purpose in your life greatly helps you transcend the constant pursuit and the never-ending purgatory of needing another drink or more drugs. When we are connected to a greater narrative about our life, our story, and our destiny- and moving in that direction, it is easier to stay on track. This is because now something much greater than addiction is a guiding force and of central importance in our lives.
In a world where the journey towards sobriety is often challenging and deeply personal, understanding the pathways and strategies for achieving and maintaining sobriety is crucial. This series aims to provide insight, encouragement, and practical advice for those who are on the road to recovery, as well as for their loved ones and support networks. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Bernadine Fried.
Bernadine is a 30-year veteran in the field of substance abuse treatment with a commitment to supporting people who struggle with mental health and addiction. She’s trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dyadic Psychotherapy) IFS (Internal Family Systems), and PSIP (Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy). Bernadine has drawn my over 30 years of experience working with many high-profile and high-acuity clients from both running treatment centers and maintaining a private practice utilizing a client-centered and non-pathologizing approach.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
I’m a native Californian, and I come from a family that’s wrought with addiction. I’ve been in recovery since I was 27 years old from heroin addiction. I made it out, and I’m grateful for that. I met my husband, Alex Shohet, while in my addiction. It’s very rare that people actually can stay together when they’ve been in addiction together. But we are one of the rare couples that was able to do that. Alex was a tech entrepreneur, and I entered the field of mental health and became a therapist specializing in trauma and addiction. Alex remains active as a tech entrepreneur and its intersections with addiction and mental health. We joined forces and started creating innovative treatment centers that push current inneffective methodologies forward to improve greatly recovery outcomes. Together, we founded Red Door Life.
We decided to dedicate our lives to pushing things forward in the realm of the addiction crisis because people are dying every day. Globally, over 296 million people struggled with substance abuse in 2021, an increase of almost 25% over the previous decade. The number of people globally who suffer from substance use disorders has skyrocketed to 39.5 million, almost a 50% increase over the last ten years. We decided to create a nonprofit treatment center that would be able to serve the special needs of people who are high acuity with highly specialized, individualized care. This community is generally underserved as this is an incredibly high-pressure (life or death, often), nuanced thing to do. So at Red Door Life, we have Alex’s tech-savvy brains on the systemic side, and then we’ve got my 25+ years of working in the trenches in mental health, trauma & addiction. Bonding those things together gives us this partnership of working in recovery in a way that has not only over 40 decades of experience but also a lot of heart and brain.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
One quick funny story is about Alex (Shohet) my husband and co-founder of Red Door Life, who is an ultra-compassionate, bleeding-heart person who always wants to save not just people but also animals. At one point, his benevolence towards all living things got to the point that there was a short period when we had about ten dogs at Red Door Life, all belonging to clients. We promote ourselves as pet-friendly and always try to have our clients integrate their lives into their treatment, whether this is their family, friends, work, or pets, but this was something else! So he decided he would try to get somebody to become a dog trainer. A big part of the work he does at Red Door Life is fostering entrepreneurship, and so he tried to find a client in recovery who would like to become a dog trainer. A lot of comedy stemmed from this situation. We still have a lot of dogs, but nothing like we did before. It was adorable- in Alex’s mind, the animals were also in recovery along with their person!
You are a successful individual. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
The number one is resiliency, followed by perseverance, authenticity, and heart.
Alex and I aren’t aligned with the same values as people who view recovery as just a business. For us, it’s personal. My brother died of a heroin overdose. I’m in recovery. Alex is in recovery. It comes from such a deep family cellular level for both of us that we’re incredibly passionate about it.
In order to work with this level of acuity and maintain resiliency and perseverance, we have to be able to see the very best in people- see them as their higher selves no matter how they are currently presenting. This means really attuning to the beautiful individuality of who they are as people, who they are beyond their symptoms. They continually adjust their care to their truest needs- the needs that help them in the moment but also the needs that serve their greatest vision of who they can become. We have to put compassion before all else continually. Showing up with heart in this way has allowed us to help our clients transform their lives in awe-inspiring ways.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
In my work as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I’m always learning different theories that speak to me because we always need more help when you’ve got people who have a history of trauma and trauma and addiction. Most of my clients have a history of complex PTSD. Currently, it’s Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, which is a training using cannabis and ketamine as a way to target trauma in the nervous system. So that’s my most recent space of interest.
In my work at Red Door Life, we are always pushing things forward in the addiction healing and recovery space. We are currently working on a new alumni program, developing Compassionate Communities, and developing a tech startup that leverages the power of AI to prevent overdose suicide and improve recovery outcomes. We are also working globally to bridge the gap between the US and countries that are seeking innovative methods to head off the worldwide addiction crisis. We are proud to be at the forefront of transforming outdated and ineffective treatment approaches in the US and worldwide. We’re helping to improve recovery outcomes for our clients and the global community through the latest technology, medical & clinical research, nutritional science, and evidence-based holistic practices.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. How would you advise individuals who are contemplating the journey to sobriety but might be hesitant or unsure about taking the first step? Are there key considerations or strategies that can make this initial phase more manageable?
People can often find themselves being slaves to their addiction and alcoholism. If you don’t change directions, you’re going to end up where you’re heading, which is a really cliché thing, but it’s really true with addiction. As this happens, they become more and more isolated. In isolation, people are in great danger. The danger of things getting worse, ending up in unsafe situations, and the danger of overdose. Breaking out of this isolation may look different for everyone, but it is critical to ask for help. Often, those struggling with addiction have burned many bridges in their life with their family and loved ones. It may not be possible to fix that yet, and so the connection has to come from peer-support groups such as 12-step meetings or a treatment center, sober companions, IOP, virtual groups, harm reduction techniques, or outreach programs. Letting someone know how bad things have gotten and asking for help, even if you don’t know where to start in order to change things, is a critical first step. People often think they have to be fully ready to quit in order to seek help, and that is untrue. Often, people need connection and support to get to that point.
Sobriety often comes with its unique set of challenges. Can you share insights on how individuals can effectively navigate obstacles or triggers that may arise during their journey? Are there specific tools or support systems that you find particularly helpful in overcoming these challenges?
When one has a pattern of addiction as a means of coping, what they are coping with is that their nervous system is highly dysregulated. As a result, they have more of a tendency to be anxious, depressed, in trauma responses, or overwhelmed. One of the things that I find really helpful is to use our own nervous system to regulate. There are techniques that can be used to help you become grounded back into your body and use your own nervous system and inner resources as a way to help you feel grounded, stable, and safe. One of them is anchoring your heart. It’s an actual technique where you place your hand on your heart and just feel your own heartbeat, your own greater presence, to be able to help you navigate through situations. It also releases oxytocin, which is the chemical that is released when we are receiving a comforting hug. That’s just one of many, but that’s easy enough for anyone to do on their own.
One of the biggest ways to remain grounded when facing triggers is to have a strong, compassionate community in place that you can call on no matter what, who are walking through this life with you. It is nearly impossible to do this alone. Community and connection also help one co-regulate their nervous system, allowing the return to a state where one is less triggered and the cravings diminish. Connection and compassionate community is key, and a critical piece of our programs and the culture at Red Door Life.
Maintaining sobriety is a long-term commitment. From your experience, what are the essential factors that contribute to the sustained success of individuals on this journey? Are there lifestyle adjustments or mindset shifts that prove crucial for the ongoing pursuit of sobriety?
Early on for me, I couldn’t fathom getting through a day without drinking or using. So in early recovery, it’s like one breath at a time. Going slow and just really taking your time is key. So often in early recovery, there’s so much regret and pressure that people put on themselves when they get sober. There’s all this expectation, but I’m really big on just breathing your own breath and just taking your time… being really slow and intentional. That in itself is so powerful as part of the process of recovery.
It is also important to approach recovery with a growth mindset. An attitude that we can learn from absolutely everything, without letting it define us in negative ways or confine us to a dooming identity changes the recovery process immensely- to one of hope and inspiration.
Also, as I mentioned previously in a different context, connection is key. A sense of connection to one’s higher self, the world, and the people around them, an inspiring narrative about life, and a connection to a sense of purpose. These feelings and the ability to call on them when we are in need are vital to recovery.
Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Begin, Navigate, & Sustain Sobriety”?
- FACE THE PAIN. The number one thing is usually an honest assessment and acknowledgment of pain. People don’t usually just get sober because they’re in the mood, or they’re having a bad day or something got a little messed up. When a person can no longer deny the pain they are in (and causing others) and honestly admits their life is really not working anymore, there’s this deep existential crisis that people go through, which leads them to begin the journey of recovery.
- SELF-COMPASSION. The second thing is self-love, giving yourself the compassion and the kindness to be able to give your system the break it deserves to get off of the train of addiction and alcoholism. This is not easy if you’re an addict or an alcoholic, which affects executive function and creates many cognitive distortions, such as black-and-white thinking. Self-compassion and self-love allow us to have mercy on ourselves and learn how to best support ourselves during this fragile time.
- NO MATTER WHAT. The third thing is to have a “no matter what attitude.” This means thinking, I may have every reason on the planet to drink and get loaded right now. But you know what? I’m not going to do that, no matter what. There are many “no matter what” I’ve had to live through in my own life. When I was in the beginning of my recovery, sometimes it required me to not only do it for myself but also with respect for my future and the people that I love and care about most. When I would hold these people in mind, I was able to hold the boundary and commitment of “no matter what” more strongly than when I did it with just myself in mind. I think perhaps because it evokes the element of giving back, the element of feeling useful in your life and feeling like you’re a beneficial source for others.
- SERVICE. The fourth thing is finding a feeling of being useful. As an addict, there’s so much time spent feeling like a drain and stress on everyone around you, so transforming to a feeling (and actions) of usefulness is powerful. Not just for others, but for your community and for the world. Being in a sober body, we can give back to those who matter to us, we can actually show up and be of service to others. We can begin to transform what we have learned from our difficult past into things that benefit others who are struggling.
- PURPOSE. Feeling like you have a purpose in your life greatly helps you transcend the constant pursuit and the never-ending purgatory of needing another drink or more drugs. When we are connected to a greater narrative about our life, our story, and our destiny- and moving in that direction, it is easier to stay on track. This is because now something much greater than addiction is a guiding force and of central importance in our lives.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
https://www.reddoor.life/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/bernadine-fried/
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
Bernadine Fried Of Red Door Life On How to Begin, Navigate, & Sustain Sobriety was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.