An Interview With Wanda Malhotra
Self-compassion: Have compassion for yourself and all the paths that lead you to this moment so that you can be curious about the ways you used alcohol that weren’t effective. Take accountability for missteps along the way and repair with the people in your life where you need to. Working with a therapist can help to navigate all this internal and external change.
In a world where the journey towards sobriety is often challenging and deeply personal, understanding the pathways and strategies for achieving and maintaining sobriety is crucial. This series aims to provide insight, encouragement, and practical advice for those who are on the road to recovery, as well as for their loved ones and support networks. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Danielle Sethi.
Danielle Sethi is a registered Marriage and Family Therapist with particular expertise in attachment theory and emotion-focused therapy. Using a compassionate and nonjudgmental lens, she works with individuals, couples, and families to uncover ineffective communication patterns, create new styles of interacting, and facilitate healing and secure attachment. Danielle is passionate about her work and loves to share takeaways, tools, and resources through various mediums on her website.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Yes! I’m a trained couple and family therapist, and most of my clinical practice is with couples using attachment-theory based models. Though I studied psychology in my undergrad, I worked in the finance industry in New York for about six years before shifting gears and moving into the psychology and therapy space professionally. I live with my husband, whom I met at said finance job in New York. When I’m not working on my therapy practice I teach and practice yoga and am obsessed with traveling & cooking meals at home.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
The most interesting part of my career was when I decided to switch industries entirely- from a finance job in New York to a graduate degree in family therapy.
While I worked in finance for about six years, I always knew finding my way back to some area of psychology (my undergraduate degree subject) was my goal. However, as each year passed, I became increasingly comfortable in the security of my finance job, which made taking the leap I knew I wanted feel further and further away.
In 2020 I found myself at the intersection of the pandemic, a new developmental stage (my late 20s), and an overall sense of unfulfillment and unhappiness in my career, all of which finally led to the decision that alignment was more important than the safety I had been clinging to.
From all of this, I learned that change can be scary and knock you off your feet, but if it isn’t scary, there probably isn’t meaningful growth on the other side. For the growth that was needed in my life at that time, I had to let go of safety and security and decide that finding alignment was worth that sacrifice.
You are a successful individual. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
“Success” has not felt consistent or linear in my life, at all. Some days I feel proud of how far I’ve come and where I am, and some days I feel like I’m a hamster on a wheel, running as fast as I can and going nowhere. I think this is normal. I think the traits that have kept me moving on this path regardless of my fluid emotional states are honesty, embodiment, and patience.
Honesty- For a long time, I was not honest with myself about what I wanted or what was holding me back. It was easier to feign satisfaction in my corporate life than it was to admit the ways I was perpetuating my own unhappiness. Leaving the security that life offered me to earn a new degree and enter into unfamiliar territory was one of the most disorienting times of my life, and I never would have been committed to forward movement if I wasn’t 100% honest with myself about what I wanted for my life.
Embodiment- I also spent a lot of years with my sense of who I was very fragmented. I loved going to a yoga class after work once a week, but spent the rest of the time either sitting at a desk behind an Excel sheet or at happy hour masking my own unhappiness with alcohol. I loved going to therapy once a week and talking about my discomforts from a safe distance, and spending the rest of my time distracting and ignoring the places that needed to be healed in me.
For me, the pandemic took away a lot of my escape mechanisms and forced me to look at my life honestly, and to more fully embody the tenants I wanted to incorporate into my career path and life overall. It no longer made sense or felt possible to fragment my life into my “work self” and my “real self,” and I craved a way to have a more integrated way of being.
Patience- More than anything, following a goal takes patience. As I mentioned earlier, some days light me up while others feel like I’ll never get where I want to go. I always trust in the steps I am taking even when hard work doesn’t lead to immediate, tangible returns. There is a yoga principle called “abhyasa and vairagya” that helps me stay grounded and focused in this area, which essentially translates to a version of “practice and nonattachment”. Meaning, my role is to show up each day, be persistent in and dedicated in my work and my offerings, and to stay unattached to the outcomes of that work.
In other words, I am not on this path (i.e. becoming a therapist) for any tangible outcome (i.e. to fill a caseload, create a following, etc.); rather, I am on this path for the purpose of being on this path and for the purpose of becoming who I’ve become while I’ve put in the work. The outcome isn’t my focus, and I know that if I show up every day, I am doing all I am meant to. Shifting my perspective has given me the patience to stay on this path even when results (that my ego sometimes craves for validation) aren’t immediately apparent.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I’m obsessed with my work now as a therapist, and the majority of my practice is work with couples in distress and disconnection. I love guiding couples to exploring their own experiences and sharing them with each other in a new way. The work is deep.
I’m working on starting some new formats of treatment- specifically intensive therapy for couples. This is standard couples therapy in a different format- typically 7 sessions in a single 6 hour day for 2 days. Working this way allows therapy to progress more rapidly and gives couples designated time to really focus on each other and dedicate energy to the relationship.
In addition to that, I’m working on building out some couples workshops in the South Florida area. These will also be a weekend format, but instead of therapy, I actually teach a group of couples concepts about healthy relationships and then work through exercises to implement and embody the material. These are a little less intense emotionally and a great opportunity for couples with a lower level of stress requiring immediate therapy.
Even if couples don’t live in South Florida, it’s a beautiful area to travel to for a weekend and spend super focused on your relationship and your partner.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. How would you advise individuals who are contemplating the journey to sobriety but might be hesitant or unsure about taking the first step? Are there key considerations or strategies that can make this initial phase more manageable?
I want to level-set by saying that I am a therapist and I quit drinking in 2020. As we move through these topics, I’m talking from both professional and deeply personal perspectives.
First, I would give anyone who is even thinking about sobriety a ton of credit. Wherever you are on that path, you are at least taking a moment to stop and evaluate what is working for you in your life and that takes intention and courage.
The first step in taking action in this area is deciding to make a change, and change is scary. Change is loss. The loss of the familiar. Familiar ways of coping with stress, expressing joy, connecting with others.
Using alcohol is ultimately a strategy for regulating emotions. It can be a really effective short term solution for not feeling emotions or avoiding dealing with conflict, but in the long term, the substance has impacts on the body, and the repressed emotions affect the mind, body, and relationships. To make the early stages manageable, it can be helpful to recognize the purpose that alcohol served and to replace that behavior with a different one.
For example- do you use alcohol to destress at night after a long work day? If so, you likely need something else to destress, or else you’ll continue to crave alcohol. The early stages can involve experimenting until you find what works- calling a friend, taking a hot shower, or implementing an exercise routine can be great places to start.
Sobriety often comes with its unique set of challenges. Can you share insights on how individuals can effectively navigate obstacles or triggers that may arise during their journey? Are there specific tools or support systems that you find particularly helpful in overcoming these challenges?
The reality is that consuming alcohol serves some purpose, or else you would not have been using it. Because alcohol is usually used as a tool, you are going to need to prepare yourself in a few ways when you remove it.
First, know that things might get worse before they get better. That’s because you are removing a coping mechanism you once relied on, and all the emotions you spent so much time suppressing with substances are going to rise up. This may be uncomfortable, but it does not mean you are doing anything wrong.
I always recommend working with a therapist during these early phases to help you unpack what your triggers are, how to deal with difficult situations as they arise, and how to develop different, workable coping mechanisms.
Maintaining sobriety is a long-term commitment. From your experience, what are the essential factors that contribute to the sustained success of individuals on this journey? Are there lifestyle adjustments or mindset shifts that prove crucial for the ongoing pursuit of sobriety?
To me, there is one main factor that distinguishes people who sustain sobriety and people who don’t. And that is, the difference in how they view the problem itself.
I don’t believe alcohol is the problem. It is a temporary solution to emotional discomfort that can be effective for a short time. But in the long term, avoiding emotions becomes a problem. The problem is a lack of skill in regulating emotions and dealing with conflict in relationships.
So in my mind, we actually have to look at the alcohol use and then take one step backward. What were the conditions that led to drinking? What problem did drinking solve? In what ways was alcohol effective in solving those problems?
I’d challenge you to really answer these questions, whether you feel your alcohol use is a problem or not. When I was 25 and someone posed these questions to me, I met them with nothing but resistance. If you find yourself resistance to exploration, it could be worth asking yourself why. Is the idea of alcohol use threatening to you? That might be evidence that you are using it to regulate yourself.
Because everyone will have different answers to these questions, and unique underlying factors that led them to drink, the specific adjustments that will help them sustain their sobriety will also be individualized- I don’t believe there is a one-size-fits-all.
With that, the essential factors that generally apply are an openness to integrating the new information you learn about yourself, and a commitment to staying on this path. I’ll use myself and my personal experiences to explain what I mean.
I’ve been sober from alcohol for about four years. One time early in my non-drinking days, I was invited to an event for someone who was in a college group of friends I rarely interacted with without alcohol. It was one of the first times in the months of non-drinking that I felt like I wanted to drink, and I reacted to the urge and ordered a glass of wine.
By the time the wine got to the table, I had the time to take a pause and think about what was happening in my body, and it hit me like a ton of bricks- I don’t want to drink. I just .. don’t want to be here. I’m not comfortable in this particular situation. I didn’t end up drinking it. But that was interesting information to have, and it required genuine openness to take it in. Because you might find out that certain situations don’t lend well to your non-drinking life, and have to make difficult lifestyle adjustments accordingly along the way, and be open to seeing this situations in a new way.
The commitment is what will keep you on the path even when those adjustments are uncomfortable at first- for you or for the people around you. You may realize you can only be around people for a certain amount of time, or that you are more comfortable in a hotel than in family or friend homes when visiting. Staying open to what works for you in your sobriety, and committing to doing what’s best for you, will help you stay on track.
Even four years later, moments of craving or confusion slip through the cracks. The difference is that now, I see that craving for what it is: information. And I let it stop me in my tracks. I ask myself those same questions, stay open to what comes up, and commit to adjusting as needed.
Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Begin, Navigate, & Sustain Sobriety”?
- Community: Put yourself in spaces that you can express yourself. Find community in people who get what you are going through. Set this up at the beginning, because having support is critical. That could look like reaching out to old friends, connecting with a therapist, a recovery group, a spiritual group- this may take trial and error. Be open to exploring different communities and see what works for you.
I know for me, a deep desire to belong is part of what led me to drink in the first place. Sobriety can be isolating if you aren’t surrounded by like-minded individuals, but I promise, they are out there.
About a year into my sobriety, I got trained to teach yoga in a 200 hour training program in a group of about 14 students and 3 trainers. Being a part of that group was huge in me sustaining my sobriety in the beginning, as I went through some significant family trauma about 6 months in. We were united by a common love for yoga, but there was something more about it. I felt, for the first time in a group setting like that, that I belonged. That I was accepted and valued and wanted just for being there. For being exactly who I was. It was moving, and it changed me.
Finding people who understand you and want to support your growth is critical.
2. Presence + Mindset: Don’t freak yourself out. You might hear people say that when in recovery you can never drink again. Thinking about “forever” can be overwhelming and unhelpful. Instead, keep yourself in the present moment. One day at a time, as they say. You might wonder, how will I do the things I always used to do drunk, sober? Things like- attending weddings, managing conflict, showing up at social events. Don’t worry. You can, and you will. And they will all be so much better.
Whenever making a big change, we have to untangle old patterns and habits, which is hard work. To stay on track, define your “why”. Figure out why you are doing this- what you have to gain from self-discovery, and what you have to lose from continuing to shut yourself down with alcohol. Choose things that matter to you, and have a central message to yourself that you can write down. When things get tough and messy, you come back to your “why” to stay on track. Mine is “I will never abandon myself again. Never again.”
Your mind is going to resist this change at first because it’s trying to keep you safe from the scary emotions you’ve been pushing down for so long. It will try and trick you into familiarity. Into thinking that just one drink won’t hurt anything. Do not get swept in thought patterns that pull you away from where you are going. Be firm in your boundaries and come back to your “why”. Not because you are “powerless,” but because you are too important. You matter too much.
Once your mind learns that you are capable to manage emotions that come up, it will slowly recognize safety and thought patterns will adapt. But you will always have to deal with external curiosity- people wondering why you can’t just have one toast. Learning to stay firm in your boundaries and connected to your “why” will take you far.
3. Learn new skills: The most important thing to learn when you remove a substance is emotion regulation. I abused alcohol from the ages of 18 to 28 because I did not know how to feel or process my emotions. I didn’t know how to feel like I belonged in social situations. I always thought people were judging me or didn’t like me until I started drinking. I didn’t know how to let myself feel natural stress from work- any hard day ended in a night at the bar. And I didn’t know how to process sadness, anxiety, stress, fear, or even happiness.
When I quit drinking, I had night sweats for about two years. Almost every day, I woke up in the middle of the night, pajamas and bed sheets drenched in sweat. For the longest time, I could not figure out what was happening. Now, I understand there were 10 years of repressed emotions just dying to get out of my body.
Allow your body to process emotions in its natural ways, even if they are unfamiliar at the beginning. From there, explore what purpose alcohol served in your life and figure out new ways to deal with emotions and discomfort. Figure out new ways to express positive emotions and celebration.
Breathwork, exercise, journaling, and therapy are all a great start in learning these new skills.
4. Self-compassion: Have compassion for yourself and all the paths that lead you to this moment so that you can be curious about the ways you used alcohol that weren’t effective. Take accountability for missteps along the way and repair with the people in your life where you need to. Working with a therapist can help to navigate all this internal and external change.
More than anything, you will need to find new ways to manage your emotions, and deal with the things that lead you to reach for alcohol in the first place. Once you’ve explored and identified those, have compassion for yourself and avoid spiraling into self-blame and shame- those states will only keep you stuck.
5. Keep going: Your life might change a lot, or it might change very little. When I stopped suppressing everything I experienced with alcohol, I looked around at my life and saw many things were wrong- the state of relationships, the career path, the way I treated my body. Be open to noticing things you never would have before and to relating to those things in a new way.
To sustain a life of recovery, you have to get really comfortable being with yourself. You aren’t shutting yourself or your brain away from your own life. In therapeutic settings, I refer to this as secure attachment to the self. Whatever you need to do and implement in your life so you can facilitate this security is not only unselfish, it is necessary. You start paying more attention to yourself and uncovering this new version of yourself. Friendships might shift and that’s normal. Connect to yourself and also to something greater than yourself, which may be your ability to show up better in the world and more deeply connect to the world around you. Implement what you need to support yourself so you can keep going. Those things may change over time, so continue asking yourself the important questions and staying open and committed to what you learn.
You might miss alcohol until you learn how to be and exist without it, and that can take time. But over time, you get used to being able to stop chasing highs and running away from lows, and to be okay with being right where you are. Knowing that whatever led you to this moment brought you right where you need to be. There are going to be challenging moments on the way, and they won’t be fun. But what they will be is worth it, as long as you keep going.
Community support plays a vital role in the journey to sobriety. How can individuals find and engage with supportive communities or resources that align with their specific needs and goals? Are there online platforms, local groups, or initiatives that you recommend for fostering a sense of connection and understanding during this process?
I always recommend Holly Whitaker’s book “Quit Like a Woman.” When I first stopped drinking, I thought it would be for a year or so. I read this book and something shifted. I knew, in my bones, that I would never drink again. It solidified my decision, and removed any strong desire, to every drink again. And it’s not only for women- my husband has read it too! She has an organization called Tempest (now part of Monument) that can be a huge community resource.
If you can, build out a team of support around you- people who are taking care of you. Get a therapist, a massage therapist, a hair/ nail stylist, an acupuncturist- whatever is meaningful and feels nurturing to you. Being cared for in a holistic way by professionals can be deeply healing. Many therapists will also run groups for people going through similar things, which can be a great source of community and healing.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to people. If friendships are meaningful and important to you, let people in on where your head is at, and give them a chance to support you. People might surprise you. And if they don’t, it’s more good information to have and stay open to.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
My website (daniellesethi.com) and Instagram (daniellesethitherapy)
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
Therapist Danielle Sethi On How to Begin, Navigate, & Sustain Sobriety was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.